Does Open Marriage Ever Work?

[predigested]

Hi, Folks. I'm looking for as many points of view as I can get on open marriage, such as it offers itself or looms over me and my wife.

 

I've been in a monogamous, heterosexual marriage for 14 years now. My wife has had interests in a couple of other people over the years, and has always remained faithful to me. But her knowledge of herself and her requests of me have become more and more specific over the years. She's interested in something that could be called open marriage.

 

My response has always been along the lines of No, I Don't Want That. I have no interest in having sex with others. I want to devote my sexual energy and romance 100% at my wife. We love each other intensely.

 

She, on the other hand, says that she has so much love that she wants to show it, in a myriad of ways. She wants to dance, dress in wacky ways, hug and kiss other people, go do crazy things. All of these I have no problem with. But once in a while, she forms a strong, trusting relationship with another man, and wants to show her love for him with sex.

 

Neither of us wants a separation. We want to grow old together. We have strong communication skills, a fairly good sex life, and very few other life stresses. But when we discuss this topic of sex-out-side-the-marriage, my feelings get hurt. My self-esteem isn't the greatest, and she often seeks to debate and out-reason me so as to get me to come to her side. She often results in my getting depressed or erratic.

 

While I can see her logic, and I realize that some open relationships do work, I cannot find a comfortable way of accepting this lifestyle. I am also uncomfortable in telling her No, because I love to indulge her and see her happy.

 

We see a therapist. He's great, but he cannot solve our difference here. He says we need to realize that neither side is right or wrong, and that we may never agree on the issue. Unfortunately, this may mean that one of us does not get his/her way, and that that person has to mourn the loss.

 

I guess what I'm looking to hear from people is along one of these lines:

 

1) Has anyone out there been a monogamistic type, and successfully converted to an open relationship?

2) Can anyone recommend ways to combat jealousy in open relationships?

3) Has anyone out there tried an open relationship, only to have it fail or ruin something?

 

Other advice is welcome, too. Thanks.

[crazycatlady]

It sounds like she wants more then just an open marriage. She wants to be emotionally involved with other people. Its almost a more polyamorous lifestyle she is wanting.

 

My husband and I are in an open marriage which is moving into the polyamorous area. We are going that way because he cheated but what came out of the cheating is the fact that he wants more then just casual sex with an occassional someone else. He would like a fairly perminate secondary person in our lives. If its someone I can also enjoy, all the better.

 

Emotionally, I'm monogamous. I don't have it in me to love more then him. He can and has loved more then just me. He loves me - I have no doubt, and I know I am not missing anything and I'm very confident in myself. But he wants to love more. This is harder for me to deal with but we are talking about it and now that its in the open, I can understand him so much better.

 

That said, its not easy. Its not been without its pitfalls (search out the threads I started about this to read my story). It hurt me a lot. However, I do find my relationship with him to be worth the risk of hurt in the future, and I don't think its going to happen because we are back on the same page with open and honesty.

 

Someone gave me a website to go to just after I first got here that helped me alot. She is a secondary in a poly relationship, and the website helped me a great deal. Maybe it would you as well.

 

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

 

All this said, never do anything you aren't comfortable with. Don't compromise your morals.

 

But this long and hard about this. You can't go back once you open up. You can't unsee what you have seen, and she can not undo what she might do once you say ok. Its better you seperate now, then go this way if you think you can't deal with it.

 

Also adding this - we were closed 9 years before we went open, open 3 before he cheated on me with the one person it could happen with due to emotional entanglement, 1 year of that before that affair was disclosed, and currently its only been 6 or so months since we had a talk about moving more to a polyamorous type of relationship but that move hasn't actually changed anything. I also have the options opened to me, but while I sometimes take an outside lover now and then, I'm super picky. But I always have the same option as him. That is important.

 

CCL

Edited April 21, 2010 by crazycatlady

[sxyNYCcpl]

1) Has anyone out there been a monogamistic type, and successfully converted to an open relationship?

 

Before I directly answer your questions, first some commentary. 'Open relationship' means different things to different people. My wife and I are NOT sexually monogamous, but we play together with other similarly minded couples and singles. To me a 'pure' open relationship implies anything goes, with anyone, at anytime, whether together or apart. OTOH, a relationship is either closed (monogamous) or it's not.

 

So the direct answer to this particular question is no, we've been swinging from the beginning but your scenario is more common.

 

2) Can anyone recommend ways to combat jealousy in open relationships?

 

That's a tough one. We don't really feel jealousy as our faith in each other is absolute. There is NO circumstance which would lead one or the other of us to go traipsing off into the sunset with some random sexual partner no matter how sexually gifted they are. It simply isn't going to happen so we don't spend any mental energy on it. I will say that based on your description of your relationship in general that, aside from this, you are good candidates.

 

3) Has anyone out there tried an open relationship, only to have it fail or ruin something?

 

No, and I don't foresee it happening in the future, either. In fact, we've known very few lifestyle couples who have broken up at all, and of those few, NONE were because of the lifestyle.

 

Good luck, YMMV.

[crazycatlady]

Before I directly answer your questions, first some commentary. 'Open relationship' means different things to different people. My wife and I are NOT sexually monogamous, but we play together with other similarly minded couples and singles. To me a 'pure' open relationship implies anything goes, with anyone, at anytime, whether together or apart. OTOH, a relationship is either closed (monogamous) or it's not.

 

So the direct answer to this particular question is no, we've been swinging from the beginning but your scenario is more common.

 

 

 

That's a tough one. We don't really feel jealousy as our faith in each other is absolute. There is NO circumstance which would lead one or the other of us to go traipsing off into the sunset with some random sexual partner no matter how sexually gifted they are. It simply isn't going to happen so we don't spend any mental energy on it. I will say that based on your description of your relationship in general that, aside from this, you are good candidates.

 

 

 

No, and I don't foresee it happening in the future, either. In fact, we've known very few lifestyle couples who have broken up at all, and of those few, NONE were because of the lifestyle.

 

Good luck, YMMV.

 

Done the way described here, I know very few couples who have broken up, and who have done long term swinging (either way, mono for a while, and then open). So I do have to agree here.

 

Playing alone can bring issues, having issues already brings more issues, and not fully knowing what your partner wants can bring issues, such as our case given that he's polyamorous, but issues aren't always a bad thing in the end, it just means more work but that can be lots of fun too.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Bull crap. the minute you open it without boundries and trust it will end...

 

It does not work. there will be problems. pregnanices, affairs, std's the whole gamut.

 

Be ready for it to happen. Dont be so naive it wont.

[predigested]

I appreciate your replies, folks, especially CCL's link. In case it helps qualify our sitch:

 

1) She cannot have any more babies. I am open to having a vasectomy.

2) Sometimes I wish I could rewire my brain, to eliminate the jealousy that is already there. It comes from my being insecure. I also wish I could find interest in someone else, so that I could get drawn into the poly-lifestyle. But I have not been able to; my thoughts and imagining end up causing me mental anguish.

3) We value greatly the many things we have in our relationship, and she will not leave me if I say No for the next 50 years. But she will be unhappy about it, and possibly hold resentment about it.

4) We don't (yet) know how to have fun with our issues. Our discussions turn into heated debates, painful criticisms or acquiesence on one side (usually mine). Our therapist is starting to help us argue better. Maybe someday we'll have fun with our fights.

 

Thanks for caring, you all.

[ADF]

There is probably some small percentage of people who can actually handle an open marriage. But it is a VERY small percentage. Most people who think they handle open marriage find they can't.

 

Sex advice columnist Dan Savage--who is very pro non-monogamy--said that while he'd been to a number of weddings of people with open marriages, he had yet to go to an open-marriage 3rd anniversary party.

 

Jealousy is often the problem. As an ex-GF of mine who had been in a number of "open" relationships once said, "an open relationship means he can f___ whoever he wants, but she can't." That is pretty much the long and short of it.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

There is probably some small percentage of people who can actually handle an open marriage. But it is a VERY small percentage. Most people who think they handle open marriage find they can't.

 

Sex advice columnist Dan Savage--who is very pro non-monogamy--said that while he'd been to a number of weddings of people with open marriages, he had yet to go to an open-marriage 3rd anniversary party.

 

Jealousy is often the problem. As an ex-GF of mine who had been in a number of "open" relationships once said, "an open relationship means he can f___ whoever he wants, but she can't." That is pretty much the long and short of it.

 

 

But would not call him pro non-monogamy at all..... His view is to enjoy life and sex and be open and discuss it and find someone who shares your wants and likes........ I love his open marriage line.....

[crazycatlady]

I appreciate your replies, folks, especially CCL's link. In case it helps qualify our sitch:

 

1) She cannot have any more babies. I am open to having a vasectomy.

2) Sometimes I wish I could rewire my brain, to eliminate the jealousy that is already there. It comes from my being insecure. I also wish I could find interest in someone else, so that I could get drawn into the poly-lifestyle. But I have not been able to; my thoughts and imagining end up causing me mental anguish.

3) We value greatly the many things we have in our relationship, and she will not leave me if I say No for the next 50 years. But she will be unhappy about it, and possibly hold resentment about it.

4) We don't (yet) know how to have fun with our issues. Our discussions turn into heated debates, painful criticisms or acquiesence on one side (usually mine). Our therapist is starting to help us argue better. Maybe someday we'll have fun with our fights.

 

Thanks for caring, you all.

 

1 - a vasectomy is a good idea. I advocate condoms (safer sex is always better) but oops can still happen then. And never rely on anyone else's word they aren't fertile. JMO

 

2 - This is serious. And something that needs to be addressed and she needs to work on helping you over come this, and this is addressed in the link I gave you (especially if she has emotions for others, she iwll have to help you) but it also has to come from you as well. You can't be insecure and in any type of alternative lifestyle.

 

One of the things that helps me is the fact that my H gets a boner just looking at me naked. The man can pick up any woman he sets his mind on (and I've seen this for myself) and yet I turn him on. Not only that, but he has the hardest time controling himself during sex with me. That's flattering. He's also extremely egotistical. Since he is with me, that means I can be egotistical too. I have to be as sexy as him because this sexy man finds me sexier then anyone else. Its a strange logic, but it works.

 

Often jealousy is an interal matter, tends to be a need of some type is not being met. The few times I've been jealous its because I miss the woo'ing and he needs to take some time to woo me a little too. I like the fun new flirting and hate feeling left out. But it means being very open and honest.

 

But seriously, talk about this work on this with your wife. See if there is something you need that you can't getting, or at least feel you aren't getting.

 

3 - But will doing this make you unhappy? Remember, once you start there, you can't turn back time and undo it. You can't turn off seeing her kiss someone in front of you. If you do it in the same room, you can't unsee her having sex with someone else. Oddly enough I found all of those things extremely exciting. But you might not. This is not a decision to make thinking you can just close it back up.

 

4 - Learning to argue better is good no matter what you decide to do. We still sometimes fight unfair - me more then he, but he's more secure then I am in all honesty. But I try not to do it. I know when I'm being unfair and I apologize for it. What helps is I do feel more comfortable talking earlier about things that bother me, and I do sometimes joke about things that did hurt me but no longer hurt, and the jokes help me even more to not take it so seriously.

 

You are going to get people telling you its impossible. And people saying you can do it and its just great. Only person who can decide what is right or wrong for you and her are you and her...and ultimatel, YOU must decide. Don't feel you have to do it to save your life with her....if its to that point, its not worth saving. We talked about it from the beginning of our relationship until we actually did it, 8 or 9 years later. That's a long time to talk about it. And we have had problems - which I'm sure if I didn't say it someone else would. But I don't regret opening up the marriage. We do honestly have a better marriage for it. A closer connection mentally, emotionally, and physically. But that's us.

 

There is probably some small percentage of people who can actually handle an open marriage. But it is a VERY small percentage. Most people who think they handle open marriage find they can't.

 

Sex advice columnist Dan Savage--who is very pro non-monogamy--said that while he'd been to a number of weddings of people with open marriages, he had yet to go to an open-marriage 3rd anniversary party.

 

Jealousy is often the problem. As an ex-GF of mine who had been in a number of "open" relationships once said, "an open relationship means he can f___ whoever he wants, but she can't." That is pretty much the long and short of it.

 

Two things - since we opened up our marriage we have had three anniversaries. Not saying it hasn't been rocky, but this year is going to be 4, and then next year 5 and so on. No marriage is without troubled waters now and then.

 

And second - I know someone who was in an "open relationship" just like that. Doesn't mean it works like that for everyone. I can do pretty much anything I please. We both run things by each other first though. Except for that one situaiton - but that's neither here nor there, I am thinking even if we had not been open the cheating would have happened there.

 

CCL

[LucreziaBorgia]

I did the 'open marriage' thing. My divorce will be final this summer. My exH thought he wanted an open marriage, but he really just wanted to see other people and stay married. Not quite the same thing. When I started seeing someone it was all downhill from there. He decided that he wanted a divorce instead. I find that a lot of the time people who want 'open marriages' only want it open for themselves and are rarely happy when their spouse starts dating/having sex/romancing someone else.

 

Honestly, your wife will likely just do it anyway - if you agree, it will be called an 'open arrangement' if you say no, it will just be an affair.

 

I think you are pretty much in a 'lose/lose' situation with this one. You may manage to keep your marriage for the time being, but don't be surprised if in a year or so, your wife has shifted the balance of her love and attention to someone else and the two of you will begin talking divorce when she refuses to stop the 'open arrangement'.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wait a minute did this guy say- he's willing to have a vasectomy to placate his wife with the open marriage!???

 

WTF ARE YOU DENSE OR JUST A COMPLETE F-ING *******?

 

you know that aids is on a rise and condoms still break. Your wife sounds from the look of it a serial cheater in the making!!! "She has a lot of love to give!?!?"

 

Who the F's say that to their husband while their in a monogamous relationship???

 

I would have lost my mind, and it's not jealousy, it's right and wrong! If you cant be faithful to each other then you cant be married. Bottom line.

 

Trust me, this will end badly for you any which way you cut it!!!

[Cinnamon2000]

 

My response has always been along the lines of No, I Don't Want That. I have no interest in having sex with others. I want to devote my sexual energy and romance 100% at my wife. We love each other intensely.

 

Tell her if she crosses the line and sleeps with another man, you might lose respect and admiration for her and no longer love and respect her as your wife and a real lady. Ask her if that's what she want.

[giotto]

from what you said, it will end up in disaster and it will ruin your relationship... actually, your relationship is already ruined, because she wants to do something you don't want to and will never be able to accept (re-read your post). So, your choice is: allow it, make your wife happy and be unhappy yourself, or stop it and make yourself and your wife unhappy. I would contemplate divorce...

[whichwayisup]

Don't do it. If she wants to fool around, get close or have sex, or fall inlove with another man, let her know she can leave for good and divorce you.

trusting relationship with another man, and wants to show her love for him with sex.

 

WTF. Open marriages, from what I know of them, one isn't supposed to fall inlove or get too attached to the other person.

 

Anyway, if you don't want to do this, then don't. Don't let her talk you into it or force you into anything. Or do a 'trial separation' that way she can go off to do whatever she pleases, then when the novelity of it all wears off (and IT will), she comes running back home to you, wanting to be with just you.. It's all (one on one with you only) or nothing (she can divorce you)..

[tnttim]

I think if the relationship starts out open, then it can continue to be open well into marriage, but if not I think it is doomed for one of you. Usually the one that gets jealous first.

 

It sounds to me like your W wants to be with someone that can really please her, and it's not you. Doesn't that get you to think maybe you need to amp up your seduction game. Your W is not pleased with sex from you and is thinking you are hopeless to change that. IMO she is just at the border line of cheating, if she hasn't already. She is looking for the saints way to cheat, it's impossible.

 

I have a few friends that went through this, tried an open marriage and ultimately got the big D. So I say your chances of this coming out pleasing to both parties is minimal at best.

[tnttim]

Don't do it. If she wants to fool around, get close or have sex, or fall inlove with another man, let her know she can leave for good and divorce you.

 

 

WTF. Open marriages, from what I know of them, one isn't supposed to fall inlove or get too attached to the other person.

 

Anyway, if you don't want to do this, then don't. Don't let her talk you into it or force you into anything. Or do a 'trial separation' that way she can go off to do whatever she pleases, then when the novelity of it all wears off (and IT will), she comes running back home to you, wanting to be with just you.. It's all (one on one with you only) or nothing (she can divorce you)..

 

^^^^^^He hit the nail squarely on the head with this post^^^^^^^^^

[stillafool]

I appreciate your replies, folks, especially CCL's link. In case it helps qualify our sitch:

 

1) She cannot have any more babies. I am open to having a vasectomy.

2) Sometimes I wish I could rewire my brain, to eliminate the jealousy that is already there. It comes from my being insecure. I also wish I could find interest in someone else, so that I could get drawn into the poly-lifestyle. But I have not been able to; my thoughts and imagining end up causing me mental anguish.

3) We value greatly the many things we have in our relationship, and she will not leave me if I say No for the next 50 years. But she will be unhappy about it, and possibly hold resentment about it.

4) We don't (yet) know how to have fun with our issues. Our discussions turn into heated debates, painful criticisms or acquiesence on one side (usually mine). Our therapist is starting to help us argue better. Maybe someday we'll have fun with our fights.

 

Thanks for caring, you all.

 

 

Look, tell your wife if she wants to include another person in your relationship that it has to be another woman. No men! Tell her that is your compromise. Take it or leave it.

[sally4sara]

Look, tell your wife if she wants to include another person in your relationship that it has to be another woman. No men! Tell her that is your compromise. Take it or leave it.

 

What is fair about expecting her to limit herself to gay sex for outside partners, when he will not be only engaging in gay sex and same gendered partners himself?

 

While fairness is nice and all, it doesn't really work for resolving this. If he is uncomfortable with an open relationship agreement, nothing good will come from him ignoring his boundaries and giving her what she wants. They got together under a certain set of expectations. She might want to open the relationship, but nothing the OP has posted says they got together with the understanding that it would ever become an open relationship. Unfair is taking a relationship style that drew them together and then expecting the person to stay after that relationship style has changed. Would they be together now if she had voiced a want for this from the beginning?

[MichelleZB]

Sex advice columnist Dan Savage--who is very pro non-monogamy--said that while he'd been to a number of weddings of people with open marriages, he had yet to go to an open-marriage 3rd anniversary party.

 

This is not a correct quote. Dan Savage says he's been to polyamorous weddings, but never a polyamorous anniversary party. This is very different. He was talking about 3 or 4 people marrying in a sort of clump, which he says is unlikely to work in the long term (but would never say it could never work).

 

Open marriages--he's all about that. I was going to suggest to the OP that he check Dan Savage's stuff out, because it certainly changed my mind about open marriages. Just to be clear, my husband and I are currently in a closed, monogamous relationship, which is pretty normal since we've only been married a year. However, the possibility of opening it up at some point down the line doesn't scare me anymore.

 

Anyway, Dan has recommended this website to people opening their relationships up: http://www.openingup.net/. I don't know if it's good, but you could check it out.

[seibert253]

I personally know 7 couples who "tried" the open marriage thing.

 

4 of the spouses ended up leaving their H or W for the OP

 

2 other ended up D, because the H or W ended up contining the "open Marriage" (cheating), after their S requested or demanded they stop

 

For the last, both decided it wasn't a good idea, and recomitted to their M.

 

IMO the open marriage thing is a disaster in the making.

 

Forgot to mention, my W started talking about the open marriage thing a couple of months prior to her A starting. I was totally against it from the get go and told her it would ruin our M. I guess she decided to try it out anyway, but forgot to tell me about it.

Edited April 24, 2010 by seibert253

[Holding-On]

As a woman in an open marriage of two polyamorous people, a marriage that was open from the very beginning, I don't see how this forced opening of a monogamous marriage could work well.

You sound as though you feel you are pretty much hearing from her "divorce me or have an open marriage".

 

It is okay to be monogamous. She married you that way. However, she is not likely to change. If she isn't monogamous, she probably isn't.

Some individual counseling might help her figure out whether to accept and appreciate what she has or strike out on her own and let you seek a more compatible mate.

[You Go Girl]

"my thoughts and imagining end up causing me mental anguish."

 

There it is, right there. You said it yourself, you don't need to read anyone's replies.

This is your life, your love, your feelings, your hopes, your dreams, your expectations.

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.

I can't seem to quote the bard enough on these boards.

 

You cannot become someone you are not. Accept who you are, and stick to your feelings. Don't betray yourself.

 

My roommate H was open in a past marriage. He asked me if 'we should do that'.

Just the mere suggestion was insulting to my love--infuriated me-- and I never really forgave him for it.

It was the beginning of the end.

I feel for you, I know the exact pain you speak of. It's behind me now. I realized that we were not truly compatible.