If you are having a bad day, just read my chaos. You'll feel better :(

[I Miss the Kiss]

Need I even explain my story? You all know it... I'm weak, sad, in love, heartbroken.

 

This weekend (Friday) is one year to the day that I met my MM. He is a firefighter and we met when he was in town with 30,000 other firefighters for a conference. Love at first sight... bla, bla, bla.

 

One year, still in love. Both of us. He left his wife in January, has not gone back but still struggling with actually divorcing due to his kids and his "moral compass" as he told me this morning. he acknowledges that even mentioning morals sounds a bit twisted, but he still has an issue with divorcing after committing to her before God and everybody.

 

Ya, so back to my story. He has been dealing with himself in IC, trying to get off the fence between what he is "supposed" to do and what he wants to do (be with me). In this last week alone he has "waffled" at least 3 times.

 

We had planned for him to come stay with me Thursday-Saturday and we were going to go out to the conference/bar Friday night to celebrate 1 year, etc. He has been waffling as to whether he was coming. Last night he said (at midnight!) he was coming. This morning: NOPE. Not coming. "Not the right thing to do right now."

 

WTF?!

 

He told his W to file divore papers last Sunday. (I verified through a mole I have up there!). He is not aware is she has or not, but then again it took me two weeks to get my papers after my H filed, too.

 

Anyway, the long and short of it is that he lives alone (just moved into a duplex). She did or will file papers. yet he won't "stir the pot" and come down here like we';ve planned for months. So I lose. AGAIN

 

I got quite angry and told him I can't do this anymore. He says he has to stay in IC and work on himself, be alone, not go back to her but not come to me, either. he repeatedly said he is a mess and bad for me because he keeps hurting me. He said he has to be basically NC because every time he even sees one word from me in a text, email his heart goes crazy for me and he goes back to square one, which is with me.

 

He told me over and over that he wants to be whole again and he wants to be with me when all is said and done but that he can't ask me to wait.

 

So I told him my friend (a girl) and I are still going to go ahead and go to the bar/party for the convention. He seemed hurt by that. Such is life...

 

His goal in IC (which he plans to step up0 the frequency of that as well) is to understand why he is stuck between what he is supposed to to and being with the woman he loves, which he is adamant that it is me. When he told me his heart goes crazy with just a sinlge word from me, I asked how his heart feels when he sees his W when he is picking up the kids from her, etc. his reply was, "It feels sick, or absolutely nothing."

 

I do truly believe that after approximately 8 D-days for them, there really probably is nothing left there, I can't say I don't believe him on that one.

 

UGH. Anyway, welcome to my day. His overall story is that he isn't doing this to get over me or forget. He says it is to be a better person, hopefully with me if I'm still here.

 

I don't know what to believe. I can't believe he let me down this weekend for the 1000th time.

 

I wish i didn't love this man, I wish he didn't love me.

Edited April 21, 2010 by I Miss the Kiss

[jthorne]

Doesn't sound to me like he let you down at all. Sounds to me like he's trying to get his sh*t together, and you are selfishly interferring with that. What's one weekend if you want to spend the rest of your lives together?

 

Except for the fact that he could have been more supportive of you doing something on your own with your friend, I gotta side with the MM on this one, sorry.

[I Miss the Kiss]

Doesn't sound to me like he let you down at all. Sounds to me like he's trying to get his sh*t together, and you are selfishly interferring with that. What's one weekend if you want to spend the rest of your lives together?

 

Except for the fact that he could have been more supportive of you doing something on your own with your friend, I gotta side with the MM on this one, sorry.

 

That's okay, I respect that opinion. And you know what? I'm THRILLED that he wants to get his sh*t toether. I truly am. Its just hard to convey on a message board how much this weekend/anniversary meant to both of us.

 

As for me selfishly interfering, I think I have a tiny reason to be upset given that at 12:00 this morning he was saying he was coming here and was happy about it, planning what meals we would cook together. So he did get my hopes up just a little bit

 

I want him to be okay. He openly admits that he is a mess and wants to be a happy man, with me if he can be, and maybe even alone if he cannot. That's what matters I guess. I just think down deep that he didn't come because he knows his W (separated or not) will freak completely out if he were to tell her he was coming to my town for any reason whatsoever, let alone the weekend we met (which she knows).

 

Oh well

[jthorne]

I just think that if you really really love him and want what's best for him, you'll give him his space to do what he needs to do.

I know it's disappointing. I can't even count how many disappointments there were with my now xMM. But the anniversary isn't going to go away since he's not there to celebrate it. There's always next year. Who knows? There might be something to celebrate next week...

[jennie-jennie]

I just think that if you really really love him and want what's best for him, you'll give him his space to do what he needs to do.

I know it's disappointing. I can't even count how many disappointments there were with my now xMM. But the anniversary isn't going to go away since he's not there to celebrate it. There's always next year. Who knows? There might be something to celebrate next week...

 

Hey, I am actually agreeing with jthorne on this one!

 

Sometimes the MM needs to put the relationship with the AP on hold to be able to figure out in IC what he is all about. Seems like this might be the case with your MM.

[I Miss the Kiss]

I just think that if you really really love him and want what's best for him, you'll give him his space to do what he needs to do.

I know it's disappointing. I can't even count how many disappointments there were with my now xMM. But the anniversary isn't going to go away since he's not there to celebrate it. There's always next year. Who knows? There might be something to celebrate next week...

 

This just hurts SO BAD. I cannot seem to equate NC with anything good. In my mind, when you love someone, you would move mountains to be with and/or talk to them Maybe that's not right, but I can't stop feeling that way. I asked him if this NC was his attempt at forgetting or getting over me, and he said absolutely not, that I am forever ingrained in his heart and his life and he just wants to be more sure of himself in life. I just figure NC means he will go back to his W because its more convenient

 

I'm just so sad. I miss him so much it physically hurts. Last night he called me late and the first thing he said was, "Hi Peanut... do you still love me? I'm so sorry I have to go through this sh*t. I wish I was where you are, already 6-9 months down the road. Please know that the way things are and the way I've been acting is not the man I am... I want to love you and take care of you. I don't want to do this to you. I love you enough to let you go while i try to get better..."

 

How can someone get better without the one they love? I can't do this...

[2sunny]

wait and see him and date AFTER his divorce is FINAL.

 

you will save yourself a lot of heartache if you do.

 

he is probably worried about coming... because he could be followed. then his wife will find out... yep, it's always about them protecting themselves. i'd be willing to bet money that what he's thinking; that he'll get caught.

 

she's probably watching him like a hawk, if she's smart. do you live in a no fault state or no?

[whichwayisup]

He says he has to stay in IC and work on himself, be alone, not go back to her but not come to me, either. he repeatedly said he is a mess and bad for me because he keeps hurting me. He said he has to be basically NC because every time he even sees one word from me in a text, email his heart goes crazy for me and he goes back to square one, which is with me.

He's being honest here. For once. And, he's working on himself. THAT is a start.

 

You can't see any good of NC? Well, how about this. It'll end the affair dynamtic. Time and space from eachother will allow you each to regain new and healthier attitudes, rid of bad, ill feelings, pain and lies that has gone on for a year now. Your rollercoaster ride, the whole works. THAT is what NC can do for you.

 

If you love him, then give him this time to work on himself. He has nothing to give right now. He's drained, empty inside and needs to grieve the loss of his marriage, his family life. Allow him to do that alone. It has nothing to do with you..HE needs that closure so he can move on. Respect that.

[whichwayisup]

How can someone get better without the one they love?

 

Little reality check..Sorry..

 

Keep in mind, he loved his wife too. He has to grieve that loss, and deal with the divorce, her family, their friends, his inlaws...It's a HUGE adjustment, even though he's brought it all on himself, it still is a loss for him.

 

He needs to better himself. You seem to forget HOW he treated you, the things he's said to you, the cruelness, the games.. Therapy is what he needs to fix what's broken inside of him. You truly want this man as he is now??

Think about that for a minute..

[fooled once]

Need I even explain my story? You all know it... I'm weak, sad, in love, heartbroken.

 

This weekend (Friday) is one year to the day that I met my MM. He is a firefighter and we met when he was in town with 30,000 other firefighters for a conference. Love at first sight... bla, bla, bla.

 

One year, still in love. Both of us. He left his wife in January, has not gone back but still struggling with actually divorcing due to his kids and his "moral compass" as he told me this morning. he acknowledges that even mentioning morals sounds a bit twisted, but he still has an issue with divorcing after committing to her before God and everybody.

 

Ya, so back to my story. He has been dealing with himself in IC, trying to get off the fence between what he is "supposed" to do and what he wants to do (be with me). In this last week alone he has "waffled" at least 3 times.

 

We had planned for him to come stay with me Thursday-Saturday and we were going to go out to the conference/bar Friday night to celebrate 1 year, etc. He has been waffling as to whether he was coming. Last night he said (at midnight!) he was coming. This morning: NOPE. Not coming. "Not the right thing to do right now."

 

WTF?!

 

He told his W to file divore papers last Sunday. (I verified through a mole I have up there!). He is not aware is she has or not, but then again it took me two weeks to get my papers after my H filed, too.

 

Anyway, the long and short of it is that he lives alone (just moved into a duplex). She did or will file papers. yet he won't "stir the pot" and come down here like we';ve planned for months. So I lose. AGAIN

 

I got quite angry and told him I can't do this anymore. He says he has to stay in IC and work on himself, be alone, not go back to her but not come to me, either. he repeatedly said he is a mess and bad for me because he keeps hurting me. He said he has to be basically NC because every time he even sees one word from me in a text, email his heart goes crazy for me and he goes back to square one, which is with me.

 

He told me over and over that he wants to be whole again and he wants to be with me when all is said and done but that he can't ask me to wait.

 

So I told him my friend (a girl) and I are still going to go ahead and go to the bar/party for the convention. He seemed hurt by that. Such is life...

 

His goal in IC (which he plans to step up0 the frequency of that as well) is to understand why he is stuck between what he is supposed to to and being with the woman he loves, which he is adamant that it is me. When he told me his heart goes crazy with just a sinlge word from me, I asked how his heart feels when he sees his W when he is picking up the kids from her, etc. his reply was, "It feels sick, or absolutely nothing."

 

I do truly believe that after approximately 8 D-days for them, there really probably is nothing left there, I can't say I don't believe him on that one.

 

UGH. Anyway, welcome to my day. His overall story is that he isn't doing this to get over me or forget. He says it is to be a better person, hopefully with me if I'm still here.

 

I don't know what to believe. I can't believe he let me down this weekend for the 1000th time.

 

I wish i didn't love this man, I wish he didn't love me.

 

I thought he asked you for space? I thought you and he were going to take a step back and let him work on him?

 

I don't have any advise for you except to not put your life on hold for him and someone posted a great 'poem' that Opray Winfrey wrote -- some where in this forum. It was really good. Read it. I think it might help.

 

Good luck

[bittersweet memories]

I thought he asked you for space? I thought you and he were going to take a step back and let him work on him?

 

I don't have any advise for you except to not put your life on hold for him and someone posted a great 'poem' that Opray Winfrey wrote -- some where in this forum. It was really good. Read it. I think it might help.

 

Good luck

 

Here's the poem....

 

Poem By Oprah Winfrey:

 

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house.

Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

[jennie-jennie]

Here's the poem....

 

Poem By Oprah Winfrey:

 

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house.

Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

 

"Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later." Huh?

[fooled once]

This just hurts SO BAD. I cannot seem to equate NC with anything good. In my mind, when you love someone, you would move mountains to be with and/or talk to them Maybe that's not right, but I can't stop feeling that way. I asked him if this NC was his attempt at forgetting or getting over me, and he said absolutely not, that I am forever ingrained in his heart and his life and he just wants to be more sure of himself in life. I just figure NC means he will go back to his W because its more convenient

 

I'm just so sad. I miss him so much it physically hurts. Last night he called me late and the first thing he said was, "Hi Peanut... do you still love me? I'm so sorry I have to go through this sh*t. I wish I was where you are, already 6-9 months down the road. Please know that the way things are and the way I've been acting is not the man I am... I want to love you and take care of you. I don't want to do this to you. I love you enough to let you go while i try to get better..."

 

How can someone get better without the one they love? I can't do this...

 

Honestly, the more I read what you post, the more it seems like you are little bit obsessed with him. You seem to base all your emotions on him.

 

Why can't you just back off and let him be? I do agree that if you love someone, you move mountains to be with him. But it seems like you are forcing the issue of being with him. I know you love him, but life doesn't end with him. You had a life before him and if things don't work out, you will have a life (a probably very drama free life) without him.

 

read that poem (thanks BSM for posting it). Really read it.

 

You just seem so wrapped up in HIM and his wife. HOW can your spy know what she is doing inside her home (filling out paperwork for a divorce)? You have got to detach from it all. You are wanting to control it and have it on your timetable and it just doesn't work that way.

 

I know you want to be with him. But he is a mess and he needs a lot of time to get himself together. It won't happen in a week, a month or even many months. And just because a divorce is filed doesn't mean it will go through. One of them could stop it.

 

You, IMHO, have got to quit obsessing about him and her and their marriage. You have got to get to a better place.

 

Are you still in counseling?

[whichwayisup]

Why can't you just back off and let him be?

 

Because she doesn't fully trust him. Due to her past pain and him dicking her around, and the whole affair dynamtic. I'm sure it's hard for her to FULLY trust his word - Saying he needs time and space to work on himself. But, how does she 'truly' know this is his goal - To peacefully get divorced, work on himself and be with her? Noone knows what the outcome is going to be. It's possible (atleast for now) MM doesn't either, even if his heart tells him one thing and his mind tells him another.

 

Time and distance will allow 'whatever' to happen.

 

 

Kiss, focus on you, your own kids and enjoy this time. It isn't a death sentence. Yes, mistrust is there since he has let you down (alot) but you need to decide you DO trust him, enough to allow him to do the NC or you ignore NC and he'll react in ways you won't like.

[White Flower]

IMTK, you are losing focus.

 

He IS in IC because he NEEDS to heal himself. Patient or not on your part, he needs to finish IC. It could take a month, it could take 12 months. If your love is really strong, it will survive the waiting period.

 

My guy, so much like yours, is doing the same thing. I get impatient too because I have needs and not all are being met, but I KNOW that I want a healed man at the end of all of this and not a half healed one.

 

Hang in there, have faith in him to get through this counseling and self-discovery. Go to the conference and revv it up! If it's the same one I'm thinking of, it's sure to be a good time.

 

BTW, I don't see why your MM doesn't give himself a break from all the stress and just let loose for a few days. Just sayin'.

[jwi71]

This weekend (Friday) is one year to the day that I met my MM. He is a firefighter and we met when he was in town with 30,000 other firefighters for a conference. Love at first sight... bla, bla, bla.

 

One calendar year?

Uhm.

That's not a lot of time to know someone - know what I mean? Especially since it was "part time" at best. I think you are in fdor a great MANY nasty surprises. imo.

 

One year, still in love. Both of us. He left his wife in January, has not gone back but still struggling with actually divorcing due to his kids and his "moral compass" as he told me this morning. he acknowledges that even mentioning morals sounds a bit twisted, but he still has an issue with divorcing after committing to her before God and everybody

Un-freakin'-real.

His moral compass gives him issues with divorcing his W but not cheating on her?

And that bright red thing fluttering in the breeze you see...yup, red flag number 3238. Feel free to ignore it.

 

Ya, so back to my story. He has been dealing with himself in IC, trying to get off the fence between what he is "supposed" to do and what he wants to do (be with me). In this last week alone he has "waffled" at least 3 times.

Oh I know - lets call it a split-self affair and give him a free pass.

Excuse me......ok, now I feel less nauseous.

Look, he DOESNT want a D. And I can prove it (below).

 

We had planned for him to come stay with me Thursday-Saturday and we were going to go out to the conference/bar Friday night to celebrate 1 year, etc. He has been waffling as to whether he was coming. Last night he said (at midnight!) he was coming. This morning: NOPE. Not coming. "Not the right thing to do right now."

This surprises you how?

Honestly, given his track record I'M shocked you put any faith in his words.

 

He told his W to file divore papers last Sunday. (I verified through a mole I have up there!). He is not aware is she has or not, but then again it took me two weeks to get my papers after my H filed, too.

You know that proof I mentioned above. Here it is.

No man needs ANYONE else to file...he can do it himself. He just choose not to. What's that tell you? Oh for the love of God don't say split-self.

 

Uh-oh, I said it and excuse me again :sick:

 

And before you say "He told his W to file"...NOT the same thing.

Because he ISN'T giving you ACTION, just words and leaving the actions to his W. IF, in fact, he actually told her.

A simple phone call to the county clerk/court clerk will suffice.

Just sayin'

 

Anyway, the long and short of it is that he lives alone (just moved into a duplex). She did or will file papers. yet he won't "stir the pot" and come down here like we';ve planned for months. So I lose. AGAIN

Its ok. Just conjure up another excuse and be surprised when he does this for the umpteenth time.

I got quite angry and told him I can't do this anymore. He says he has to stay in IC and work on himself, be alone, not go back to her but not come to me, either. he repeatedly said he is a mess and bad for me because he keeps hurting me. He said he has to be basically NC because every time he even sees one word from me in a text, email his heart goes crazy for me and he goes back to square one, which is with me.

Basically...let me be alone and I'll contact you when I feel like it.

Then go away again (back to my wife who doesn't know the whole truth because I'm feeding a pile of stinking CDO's I bought from Goldman Sachs).

 

He told me over and over that he wants to be whole again and he wants to be with me when all is said and done but that he can't ask me to wait.

Wait for him because he "can't stir the pot" or file for D or keep his plans with you....

 

So I told him my friend (a girl) and I are still going to go ahead and go to the bar/party for the convention. He seemed hurt by that. Such is life...

What? You're moving along and not waiting for me? Boo-effin'-hoo. Dang, now he's gonna have to try extra hard to get you to wait...I wonder what pile'o'crap excuse he'll come up with THIS time....

 

His goal in IC (which he plans to step up0 the frequency of that as well) is to understand why he is stuck between what he is supposed to to and being with the woman he loves, which he is adamant that it is me. When he told me his heart goes crazy with just a sinlge word from me, I asked how his heart feels when he sees his W when he is picking up the kids from her, etc. his reply was, "It feels sick, or absolutely nothing."

Oh please. I hope you haven't mentioned the forbidden phrase from J-J?

Damn, even euphemisms make me....:sick:. Sorry.

Wow...torn between love and duty...what a victim. Wow, the nobility. What a great guy.

uh-oh...:sick::sick:

 

UGH. Anyway, welcome to my day. His overall story is that he isn't doing this to get over me or forget. He says it is to be a better person, hopefully with me if I'm still here.

What happened to undying love? Suddenly its "if you're still there after my titanic emotional catharsis"?

 

IMTK...NOTHING good comes of this.

 

I don't know what to believe. I can't believe he let me down this weekend for the 1000th time.

Again...that this shocks you is is worrisome for me.

 

Well...when you want to pull the wool from over your eyes you will see. Its A fog for you both.

 

Good luck.

 

My advice, and you seem to be taking small steps, is MOVE ON. Heal. Mourn the loss of your OWN M.

[bentnotbroken]

This just hurts SO BAD. I cannot seem to equate NC with anything good. In my mind, when you love someone, you would move mountains to be with and/or talk to them Maybe that's not right, but I can't stop feeling that way. I asked him if this NC was his attempt at forgetting or getting over me, and he said absolutely not, that I am forever ingrained in his heart and his life and he just wants to be more sure of himself in life. I just figure NC means he will go back to his W because its more convenient

 

I'm just so sad. I miss him so much it physically hurts. Last night he called me late and the first thing he said was, "Hi Peanut... do you still love me? I'm so sorry I have to go through this sh*t. I wish I was where you are, already 6-9 months down the road. Please know that the way things are and the way I've been acting is not the man I am... I want to love you and take care of you. I don't want to do this to you. I love you enough to let you go while i try to get better..."

 

How can someone get better without the one they love? I can't do this...

 

 

He isn't without the one he loves....he has himself. The only one he loves.

[I Miss the Kiss]

IMTK, you are losing focus.

 

He IS in IC because he NEEDS to heal himself. Patient or not on your part, he needs to finish IC. It could take a month, it could take 12 months. If your love is really strong, it will survive the waiting period.

 

My guy, so much like yours, is doing the same thing. I get impatient too because I have needs and not all are being met, but I KNOW that I want a healed man at the end of all of this and not a half healed one.

 

Hang in there, have faith in him to get through this counseling and self-discovery. Go to the conference and revv it up! If it's the same one I'm thinking of, it's sure to be a good time.

 

BTW, I don't see why your MM doesn't give himself a break from all the stress and just let loose for a few days. Just sayin'.

 

 

Probably the same conference, the biggest one for our guys in that line of work... in Indy Oh I'm revving it up all right!

 

Tonight I hung out with a good male friend of mine who really gave me a good sounding board. Just listening to myself explain MM and his actions and words and how they contradict was enough to give me hope that I will be able to move past this hurt-- without MM.

 

I DO HOPE he gets help in IC. IF I am still single when he gets done (if he wants me still), I will make that decision then. I do have faith in him, and I do know deep down that he has to do this.

 

Tonight, right now, for the first time EVER, I think I can do this. I can let him do this. I don't want him while he is broken. It would be a disaster waiting to happen. I trust him to do his best, I really do. Whether I'm here when he's done remains to be seen. I will probably always love him, and I hope he finds his way and can fix his issues and come back to me. But for once in a year I am finally at peace that I will be okay if it doesn't happen.

 

At least he will be whole, and because I love him that much, I would rather him be whole without me than not be whole at all...

 

What an eye-opening day and evening for me. Going to the conference will be hard (memories), but it will be cathartic. One more mountain I have faced head-on, and this time I'm gonna climb it. I don't need him or anyone to make me happy. I need to make myself happy now...

 

Thanks everyone...

[Passion4Life]

Need I even explain my story? You all know it... I'm weak, sad, in love, heartbroken.

 

This weekend (Friday) is one year to the day that I met my MM. He is a firefighter and we met when he was in town with 30,000 other firefighters for a conference. Love at first sight... bla, bla, bla.

 

One year, still in love. Both of us. He left his wife in January, has not gone back but still struggling with actually divorcing due to his kids and his "moral compass" as he told me this morning. he acknowledges that even mentioning morals sounds a bit twisted, but he still has an issue with divorcing after committing to her before God and everybody.

 

Ya, so back to my story. He has been dealing with himself in IC, trying to get off the fence between what he is "supposed" to do and what he wants to do (be with me). In this last week alone he has "waffled" at least 3 times.

 

We had planned for him to come stay with me Thursday-Saturday and we were going to go out to the conference/bar Friday night to celebrate 1 year, etc. He has been waffling as to whether he was coming. Last night he said (at midnight!) he was coming. This morning: NOPE. Not coming. "Not the right thing to do right now."

 

WTF?!

 

He told his W to file divore papers last Sunday. (I verified through a mole I have up there!). He is not aware is she has or not, but then again it took me two weeks to get my papers after my H filed, too.

 

Anyway, the long and short of it is that he lives alone (just moved into a duplex). She did or will file papers. yet he won't "stir the pot" and come down here like we';ve planned for months. So I lose. AGAIN

 

I got quite angry and told him I can't do this anymore. He says he has to stay in IC and work on himself, be alone, not go back to her but not come to me, either. he repeatedly said he is a mess and bad for me because he keeps hurting me. He said he has to be basically NC because every time he even sees one word from me in a text, email his heart goes crazy for me and he goes back to square one, which is with me.

 

He told me over and over that he wants to be whole again and he wants to be with me when all is said and done but that he can't ask me to wait.

 

So I told him my friend (a girl) and I are still going to go ahead and go to the bar/party for the convention. He seemed hurt by that. Such is life...

 

His goal in IC (which he plans to step up0 the frequency of that as well) is to understand why he is stuck between what he is supposed to to and being with the woman he loves, which he is adamant that it is me. When he told me his heart goes crazy with just a sinlge word from me, I asked how his heart feels when he sees his W when he is picking up the kids from her, etc. his reply was, "It feels sick, or absolutely nothing."

 

I do truly believe that after approximately 8 D-days for them, there really probably is nothing left there, I can't say I don't believe him on that one.

 

UGH. Anyway, welcome to my day. His overall story is that he isn't doing this to get over me or forget. He says it is to be a better person, hopefully with me if I'm still here.

 

I don't know what to believe. I can't believe he let me down this weekend for the 1000th time.

 

I wish i didn't love this man, I wish he didn't love me.

" ..I asked how his heart feels when he sees his W when he is picking up the kids from her, etc. his reply was, "It feels sick, or absolutely nothing ......."

 

sick ? isn't that a humiliating word to use for his partner ?

Honestly It is surprising why his wife didn't kick him out much earlier .