datura_noir Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Just killin' time here, actually this post is somewhat related to my last one, in that my H portrayed me as one thing, and now this false image of me is floating around out there. Why should I care, right?? But I do sometimes. My H told her that I cheated on him years ago, I was running around on him now,that I told him to get a girlfriend,I was spending all of his money,I didn't like his kids to come visit us,etc,etc.....none of which was true. He has told me that he feels horrible about saying these things, it wasn't that they were true-but rather what he thought might possibly be the reason we were distant. But he came out and stated them as absolute truths to the OW. I guess she beleived him. Sometimes I feel like I have to right my reputation, other times I feel like "whatever-life goes on!" It would help me to hear about any others' experience with this....
lilagirl Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I am not sure if you would like my input as an OW, but my MM shares allot of details about his W, and how she interacts with him, but for the most part, he just vents, like a friend would to another friend. There is not allot of W bashing going on, or outrageous stories that dehumanize her.
bentnotbroken Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I am not sure if you would like my input as an OW, but my MM shares allot of details about his W, and how she interacts with him, but for the most part, he just vents, like a friend would to another friend. There is not allot of W bashing going on, or outrageous stories that dehumanize her. She didn't say dehumanizing. A lie can be told in that venting process. How would you know for sure? She doesn't do "x", She does "z", She always does "b", She never does "c". When in fact she may or may not do things in response to his direct treatment of her. What cheating spouse do you know would say to the AP,.................. "I treat my spouse poorly, ignore their needs, don't please them sexually and that is probably one of the reasons that they don't want to have sex with me. Or better yet, I have cheated before and that's part of the problem. That is one of the reasons they are emotionally distant from me. I don't help with the household or the kids and I leave all the emotional management of the family to her." Most if not all AP are going to paint themselves as the poor, deprived, long suffering victim with no culpability in the maintaining a healthy relationship by meeting the needs of their spouse. So whether you realize it or not, you are being sold a bill of goods in that vent. Because I can say with a doubt there is something important being left out of that conversation. Something that will explain some of the what is REALLY going on in that relationship.
MadMission Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I agree with bentnotbroken. My WH did not tell any sensationalized stories about me of me cheating or anything like that. But, more so expressed deep disappointment in me, discussing all the ways in which I was lacking and had failed him as a wife. They were twisted half-stories...and lies. For example, he told OW that I didn't care about him. But, he forget to tell her how I always asked how his day was going with the added stresses of a new job... because I DID care...very much...and was genuinely interested. And, how he sabataged this gesture of genuine care by telling me one day to STOP asking because he did not want to have to rehash any of his day, but wanted to leave it at work. So, I stopped asking. Because I cared. So, the truth is, HE cut me off. Then went to OW complaining about how I don't really care about him or how hard he works everyday for his family. This is just one example of the ways...the techniques...to convey a life of misery with me. Well, guess what. I WAS THERE and KNOW the TRUTH about everything that went on in our M. I was a GOOD wife. And, I honestly cannot believe that OW actually buy into the bullsh*t and lies.
Samantha0905 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I told my XAP my husband is a good man, a good father, a good provider and a good businessman. I also told him I was not sexually attracted to him, had never felt that way towards him since our honeymoon. I told him we talked, but mostly only about surface level things and I was very lonely since the children had moved out. I didn't bash my husband and, in fact, said he is a much better person than I am. Overall, I simply felt we lacked intimacy in our marriage and that is what I conveyed to my XAP. Obviously, the affair did not improve the level of intimacy in our marriage. Affairs cause a ton of stress and heartbreak. Things always seem clearer in hindsight.
OFGnomore Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 And, I honestly cannot believe that OW actually buy into the bullsh*t and lies. I think the same way the Ws buy the bullsh*t that their WHs are feeding them too. Sometimes people are just plain naive or they "need/want to believe" a person. And slime balls are self absorbed enough to exploit it. But often, BSs and OPs wise up.
tnttim Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 The bullsht stories are not for the OM/OW it's for the cheater to justify his sins. It makes what he's doing okay in his mind because he doesn't want to feel guilty while shagging OW. I think the stories at first help with OW, but as they get old she hopefully realizes, "what he says about others, he will surely say about you when not in your presence." I am back with cheating W and I can still say cheating is the ultimate disrespect to someone you supposedly love. The damage is irreversible and can only be band aided till time scars over the wound, but it's always there. I can forgive, but I will never forget the betrayal I felt. The most fcked part is that I have changed a lot, and became a stronger more confident man, and now I am catching the attention of a lot of females. But I still can't wrap my mind around the concept of cheating. I don;t understand how you can hurt the one you love so bad and for only your own selfish reasons. I'm projecting now and need to remember we are all different, we think different, we react different.
Spark1111 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Bravo tnttim! Know exactly how you feel. Datura....hmmm...let me see: I didn't love him, only tolerated him; was here for the paycheck only; overindulged the kids; didn't help him enough to help in the garden; why, in fact, no one in the family would help him with anything; my rotten friends were the only thing I cared about. Haha! I worked three jobs, moved children in and out of college alone, paid all the bills on the little he gave me and began to tolerate his daily criticisms of everything I did or said! But then he told her (to make her feel insecure, I guess, or to try harder to please him) that I was a gifted writer, devoured books, very smart, and that he had "married above himself." The best line? We rarely to never had sex, and when she heard we still had sex, she was very dissappointed. So he upped it to NEVER. She convinced him I MUST have a boyfriend. He began to believe HER. We had sex at least twice a week during his affair. The height of delusional thinking and communicating, IMHO.
Spark1111 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Whatever works.....to keep that fantasy and oh-you-are-so-wonderful feelings fueled, KWIM?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 The usual I guess. We weren't sleeping together... when we are at it a few times each day. I was a bad mother. :eek: That's funny, I was the one at home taking care of the kids, his mom and grandmother (for a time) while they were drinking and shagging in the back seat of a car most evenings. I've also heard stories of us having an open marriage but I only know for sure that he told that one to colleagues to justify cheating on business trips ect... not sure he told any OW that. I know there were other lies but the lies he told her don't bother me, its the lies he told me that bother me! The main OW showed up for my weekly night out with girlfriends for quite sometime. She would get a table right by ours so that she could hear what I had to say. She did learn that we were having sex. She listened to all of our girl talk, so I can only imagine how he talked his way out of the things that were overheard by her at the time. Once I found out about her she stopped showing up for my GNO's. Probably a VERY good thing! Apparently she got furious when he bought me a new car for our anniversary one year... I never could wrap my head around that one, but I guess it was a reaction to something he had told her about me.
Author datura_noir Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 There must be handbook out there somewhere.... Just feeling low, due to hormonal activity. I also found out recently that his first marriage ended because of his infidelity....and all these years I got the story that it was all her fault. Of course, aren't all wives the villains? Seriously though, the source of my info, while biased, certainly has given me a new outlook on my own situation......I feel like the biggest buffoon.....
skylarblue Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 MM has NEVER said anything positive to me about his W. Things he’s said about her: she’s a nag, lazy, stupid, a b*tch, an embarrassment, a lump in bed, unappreciative of anything he does, disrespectful to their kids, doesn’t attract or interest him anymore, he rarely has sex with her, she spends all their money, and she can’t control the kids. He doesn’t just continually down her and it actually took about 2-3yrs for him to even talk about her as a personality. It is usually while he is relaying some story about her which usually starts “you know, she is so stupid…” I believe some things like he not being attracted or interested and the sex life part, but I think he’s being a total assh*le when he calls her names and ALWAYS puts the blame on her. At first I thought she was this incredibly horrible person, but I started to realize otherwise. She basically takes care of everything, but the financial responsibility and the repairs. As a SAHM she does the cooking, cleaning, laundry. She handles everything that deals with the kids, getting them ready, taking them to and from school, appointments, emergencies, recreation. I know she has them like 90-95% of the time. Sometimes she leaves the oldest at home with him and then he calls her lazy for it, yet says she can’t control the 3 of them or he doesn’t want his son to hang with the girls all of the time. She does the grocery, clothing, and gift shopping and usually makes the arrangements for holidays or special occasions. I know his personality and I know he can get angry or irritated easily (and unwarrantedly) and gets short-tempered and self-centered at times. He does it to me and I can tell that he is trying to hold back so I know she gets its worse. Sometimes I don’t understand why he gets so angry with her or talks about her like he does. I don’t like it, but I don’t dare say anything other than agree with him otherwise he’ll get miffed with me.
2sure Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 When I was OW, MM would say to me all the usual things you hear OW/OM say. Its always some variation on the same theme. Wife is nuts & he is a martyr, wife will ruin him & he is the victim. Always the same bottom line. For me, the images conjured from these descriptions of there marriages aka justifications for having an affair...were a major turn off. I mean, if a man's home life , family , finances are that much of a mess...what does that say about him. To me...I just dont find that attractive. So what I did was just basically forbid them to complain about their wives. This freed them from having to justify/lie to me or least freed me of hearing it. interesting thing happened though....with that restriction in place, all of the MM I ended up meeting over the years...not one of them had a crazy wife & all seemed quite happy with the home/family/marriage...they simply felt they deserved to have an affair. Just my experience , for what its worth.
silktricks Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 My husband told her we were together when we were actually separated. Then when he did tell her we were living separately, he told her that he left me, when I had left him (like a year previously). He told her that I was trying to get him to come back, when he was trying to get me to return. He told her he was somewhere alone when it was a vacation he had enticed me to take with him (this one happened a few times). He probably told others as well, but I either don't remember them, or don't know them. The above was enough for me to try to comprehend. For cryin' out loud - we were separated - he could have just been honest (with both of us) but nooooooo .
OFGnomore Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 My husband told her we were together when we were actually separated. Then when he did tell her we were living separately, he told her that he left me, when I had left him (like a year previously). He told her that I was trying to get him to come back, when he was trying to get me to return. He told her he was somewhere alone when it was a vacation he had enticed me to take with him (this one happened a few times). He probably told others as well, but I either don't remember them, or don't know them. The above was enough for me to try to comprehend. For cryin' out loud - we were separated - he could have just been honest (with both of us) but nooooooo . Your D'd right? I hope. It's amazing for all the f*cking pain an A can cause, that for some it means NOTHING. Zilcho. They keep lying to anyone and everyone til the day they die. For me, if I was still married to someone like that, it really wouldn't matter, if he loved is ow, told her lies, whatever, who cares. What would it mean to my life to stay married to someone like that. Ya know?
Spark1111 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 There must be handbook out there somewhere.... Just feeling low, due to hormonal activity. I also found out recently that his first marriage ended because of his infidelity....and all these years I got the story that it was all her fault. Of course, aren't all wives the villains? Seriously though, the source of my info, while biased, certainly has given me a new outlook on my own situation......I feel like the biggest buffoon..... Chin up Datura.... Dontchaknow it's always the wife's fault???? No matter what the real story is? Some people are NEVER accountable for their own choices and behavior: It is ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE's fault. How ridiculous, obvious and eventually so sad, for them.
Author datura_noir Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 I tend to agree, Spark.... I know my husband would crawl over broken glass on his hands and knees for me now/today, but I sit here and contemplate this new little nugget of info and I start to become a tad jaded...perhaps my sister and her/my friends had the right idea about a "woman's compound"- a commune exclusively for women, yet having men over at times to do the heavy lifting and sex.:cool:
silktricks Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Your D'd right? I hope. It's amazing for all the f*cking pain an A can cause, that for some it means NOTHING. Zilcho. They keep lying to anyone and everyone til the day they die. For me, if I was still married to someone like that, it really wouldn't matter, if he loved is ow, told her lies, whatever, who cares. What would it mean to my life to stay married to someone like that. Ya know? Oddly enough - no we're not. At some point he apparently realized that he was screwing up big time. We had been talking and working at getting back together, then he 'fessed up what he'd been doing. BIG setback, but eventually we got everything worked out. All this was over 6 years ago. Our marriage now is really good. He came out of whatever caused his craziness, and he's the man I fell in love with again. (I believe that it was mostly being really angry with me for leaving.... )
silktricks Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Some people are NEVER accountable for their own choices and behavior: It is ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE's fault. Sounds like a few women I know, too. Just sayin'
OFGnomore Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 All this was over 6 years ago. Our marriage now is really good. He came out of whatever caused his craziness, and he's the man I fell in love with again. (I believe that it was mostly being really angry with me for leaving.... ) Here's the key Silk, you left, you showed (in action) you weren't going to put up with his sh*t and didn't boohoo on this website, about will he change?, or I can't give up the money or the status, or it's okay he's having sex and lying to women (or men, seen that too), he's not divorcing me. Good for you! I honestly think how a BS handles DDay determines if she/he needs to sharpen their pencils and start tallying.
Hazyhead Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Do you think that it occurs to WSs, at the time, that one day their spouse might find out about the things they say? Or does that apply to any of the affair? I have to say that my xAP did not really discuss his wife, only to share his day. If they were having an issue he would talk about it very subjectively, which I always thought unusual. The things he told me about their marriage: no sex, no communication, etc. She confirmed when she spoke to me on the phone. I do think, sex aside and the physical aspect aside, they had (up until the affair) a decent relationship. Spark, it's through Reading your posts, and those in similar situations, that I have gained so much more respect for the BS because the one thing he did say, which I now see as a big pile of steaming hoo hoo is that she wasn't strong enough to handle him leaving. I actually now think that it was always the other way around - he couldn't bear the thought of her going and not 'needing him'.
bentnotbroken Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Do you think that it occurs to WSs, at the time, that one day their spouse might find out about the things they say? Or does that apply to any of the affair? I have to say that my xAP did not really discuss his wife, only to share his day. If they were having an issue he would talk about it very subjectively, which I always thought unusual. The things he told me about their marriage: no sex, no communication, etc. She confirmed when she spoke to me on the phone. I do think, sex aside and the physical aspect aside, they had (up until the affair) a decent relationship. Spark, it's through Reading your posts, and those in similar situations, that I have gained so much more respect for the BS because the one thing he did say, which I now see as a big pile of steaming hoo hoo is that she wasn't strong enough to handle him leaving. I actually now think that it was always the other way around - he couldn't bear the thought of her going and not 'needing him'. I believe this is the case in my own situation. I didn't know how strong I was so I do believe he was more than a little blown away when he was served with divorce papers and I decided I could do bad all by myself and I didn't need his "help" in accomplishing that:rolleyes:.
Hazyhead Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I believe this is the case in my own situation. I didn't know how strong I was so I do believe he was more than a little blown away when he was served with divorce papers and I decided I could do bad all by myself and I didn't need his "help" in accomplishing that:rolleyes:. Good for you Bent! I was amazed when my xAP's wife spoke to me on the phone at just how strong she was, given that he'd portrayed himself as her 'rescuer' and 'protector'. How ironic. And, how stupid of me for not seeing through the smoke blowing out of his ass.
silktricks Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Good for you Bent! I was amazed when my xAP's wife spoke to me on the phone at just how strong she was, given that he'd portrayed himself as her 'rescuer' and 'protector'. How ironic. And, how stupid of me for not seeing through the smoke blowing out of his ass. To be fair to men... I think many (if not most) in America have been taught since birth that women are not as strong emotionally as are men. So it's not exactly surprising for them to believe that we "can't take" - whatever. Of course, they are wrong... We can take whatever we need to take - at least as well as most men - and often better.
Spark1111 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Do you think that it occurs to WSs, at the time, that one day their spouse might find out about the things they say? Or does that apply to any of the affair? I have to say that my xAP did not really discuss his wife, only to share his day. If they were having an issue he would talk about it very subjectively, which I always thought unusual. The things he told me about their marriage: no sex, no communication, etc. She confirmed when she spoke to me on the phone. I do think, sex aside and the physical aspect aside, they had (up until the affair) a decent relationship. We had a great relationship for about 6 months prior to his affair. But I will always contend it was HE who checked out emotionally with less sex, less communication, because he blamed ME for all that was unhappy within himself and his life at the time! When he starting to develop an attraction to the woman who would become his OW, he was complaining of me the very things HE WAS GUILTY of in our relationship; things I grew too tired to try and fix. It is called projection, and unfortunately, all too common. And I am saddened that she bought it, hook, line and sinker, but she did. I guess she needed to believe it to have an affair and a hope for a future with him. Spark, it's through Reading your posts, and those in similar situations, that I have gained so much more respect for the BS because the one thing he did say, which I now see as a big pile of steaming hoo hoo is that she wasn't strong enough to handle him leaving. I actually now think that it was always the other way around - he couldn't bear the thought of her going and not 'needing him'. Well, you are describing my DDay to a tee. And he told her that he needed 5 years to reach his financial goals, to sort of buy us off I guess? to provide for us, until they could be together. She bought that line of hooey too. As if money could assuage his guilt, or as if the earning of money would delay her demands for exclusivity. So I think, as she is in finance, that might have been the one line of hooey she could relate to, KWIM? She backed off over it, that's for sure. During the crazy post DDay days, when I kept throwing him out and raging at the deception, my oldest daughter came to me and said I would have to be the one to do the heavy lifting. I demanded to know why. "Because everyone knows you are stronger than Dad," she replied.
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