julkat Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 They've been separated for 5 years, but on and off the whole time. They still own a business together. She moved away last year and returns for a few days at the end of every month to do the financials. We've been together for almost a year. She has tried to kill herself twice while we were away on each of our two holidays. Last night she told her son that she is now waiting until the divorce is finalized and she will kill herself once and for all. He's devastated for his children and what they are going through, and for her sadness and what she's going through. She won't let him find her help, apparently she's on a waiting list for a residential mental health facility. She leans on the kids, who are both in their late 20's and have families. She is so sad, and obviously quite ill. I try to be supportive, but stay as uninvolved as I can as that would add more troubles where there are already many. Any ideas of what I should be doing/not doing? The way I see it, I wasn't in their marriage and I don't belong in their divorce. But it's so hard to see him go through all this. I feel helpless.
EnigmaXOXO Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Last night she told her son that she is now waiting until the divorce is finalized and she will kill herself once and for all. Who has custody or residential custodianship of these children?
2sure Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 So, they are not divorced. Thats always a big pain. You mention that during their 5 year seperation they have been on and off. Does on mean they live together and off mean they do not? How long has it been since they were last "on"? After 5 years with no divorce in sight its possible both or at least her...expected it to go on like this forever. People do. You say you have been together for almost a year, so you are a new element to their relationship and its dynamics. As difficult as it must be to watch, thats pretty much all you can do until their relationship is over in every sense , the divorce final, and both of them completely aware that this period as well as you yourself...are not part of the on/off cycle. Why have they been going back & forth so long? Why is it different now?
scatterd Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 sounds like she is depply depressed.he must have been a great guy for her to hurt that deep.but the world has tons of non compationat people in it If someone careed they would try to help her .
Cinnamon2000 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Any ideas of what I should be doing/not doing? You can stay out of their marriage and not get involved with someone's husband. Yes, he is still married, since their divorce is not finalized yet. You're the other woman and always will be. The way I see it, I wasn't in their marriage and I don't belong in their divorce. But it's so hard to see him go through all this. I feel helpless. Yes, you're in their marriage as the other woman. Well, I hope you and your married man are going to live with yourself for the rest of your life if she kills her self. There are consequences to having affairs outside of a marriage. This exactly what you're doing and there will be consequences.
nigh2 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 You can stay out of their marriage and not get involved with someone's husband. Yes, he is still married, since their divorce is not finalized yet. You're the other woman and always will be. Yes, you're in their marriage as the other woman. Well, I hope you and your married man are going to live with yourself for the rest of your life if she kills her self. There are consequences to having affairs outside of a marriage. This exactly what you're doing and there will be consequences. I tend to agree with this
TaraMaiden Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 To ad to the above, which I also agree with, I have a 'friend' who is bi-polar. She suffers extraordinary fluctuations in her temperament, sky-high one moment, and so deep down the next, she disappears.... Now, I'm not saying it's the same thing, but she too has 'tried' seven times to commit suicide. all at times when she has hit lows, and has been a shadow of her 'normal' self. She tells me that every time she has attempted suicide, she's never meant it. if she'd meant it, she would have succeeded the first time. Someone who repeatedly threatens suicide, or 'tries' it isn't really trying. And to say that she will definitely do it once the divorce is done, is questionable. In that case, why not cut out the middleman, and just do it now? Why wait? you're closely involved with a major drama and playing into it willingly. With agendas and baggage like this, you need to separate yourself from this situation until everything is done and dusted. Consider this: Living, and continuing to create havoc in your lives, is preferable to killing yourself. Which is what she is doing. Creating havoc. And you think this will miraculously stop and all go away once the papers are signed? I don't want the woman to kill herself. She needs psychiatric help and intense therapeutic counselling. I wish her well and a full recovery. But this is stuff you neither need, nor should you be sticking around to witness it, by being an active catalyst.
sadintexas Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I completely agree with Tara. People who are seriously suicidal don't "try" to kill themselves, they do it. People who "try" are being manipulative. She's being manipulative by threatening it when the divorce is over. If you think this behavior is going to stop IF he ever gets this divorce done, I'm afraid you're most likely wrong. She is very ill by stating these things to her children. A sane person protects their children...she doesn't mentally abuse them for her own gain. It's a very sad situation. I disagree that you've caused or really contributed to this. If they were separated for four years prior to you coming on the scene, most likely he's held off on finalizing a divorce due to fear of her reaction. Certainly, yes, you being in the picture has probably made things more complicated, but I tend to think it was over in the first place. What you can do is give serious thought to your own willingness to deal with this situation not only now, but in the future. If he's successful in divorcing her and you proceed with a relationship, are you going to be able to handle her interference? Are you going to always be okay with him possibly never seeing this divorce through to the end? Many, many questions I'd have to ask myself if I was in your shoes.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 ...She's not gonna kill herself. she's saying that to garner attention. if you man had the balls and heart to actually walk away from a woman he CANNOT save he'll realize that. Her issues are her own. if she is holding that over his head he'll never be free. because he'll be a goddamn coward to make a move. Let us pray you had nothing to do with their seperation and divorce. because if you started out as the catalyst for her breakdown i can see why she says that. it plays on his guilt.
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 The way I see it, I wasn't in their marriage and I don't belong in their divorce. Yes, you need to stay out of their business and the divorce, that is, if it happens. You may not have been IN their marriage, but you definately had an impact on their life. If you were in his life, there would have been no affair and he would still be with her. Him cheating on her took time away from her. His focus was on you, not her, not his kids, not his family unit. Anyway, my suggestion is, he talk to her and get her help. She needs to talk to a professional, and also the kids need family counselling. It's not cool that she's telling her kid(s) about her intentions of killing herself, that IS going to mess them up. He should get her family (parents, siblings) involved too so they can help with this situation.
stillafool Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I've know two people who commited suicide and one was my brother. Neither of them made an attempt or told anyone they were thinking about it, they just went ahead and killed themselves. I've talked to numerous people whose love ones have commited suicide and all said the same thing - no warnings, just the act. I think when you really plan on killing yourself you don't tell anyone because you have thought it through and don't want anyone to stop you so you keep quiet. I think people who threaten suicide are reaching out for help or attention.
stillafool Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Who has custody or residential custodianship of these children? I thought she said his children are in their mid twenties.
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