jlr Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Today I came to a realization. It's time to let go. I've been holed up with all of this hurt, pain, anger, sadness, for far too long. I can't keep doing it, or it will kill me, or at the very least, cripple me from ever being happy. We broke up a year and a half ago, but it's been harder to heal since we still talked through 2009, off and on. Initially for what I thought was a second chance, that turned to me being on a string for months. Later, to what she called being "friends," which really was her hanging on to me in case of emergency, and me hanging on to her because I loved her, and wanted any piece of her she'd allow. I haven't spoken to her since the last day of 2009. We're not friends on social networks anymore. I've hidden any friends' feeds who are in touch with her. Though these past few weeks, I've peeked at her profile. It's private, but her pictures are viewable. And I've seen pics of her with the new guy, pics of a puppy they got, and proof that they are getting a place together. It hurts. But also, it makes me realize: she wasn't the one. If she was, she wouldn't be able to fathom doing those things with someone else, the same way I still can't. But, she can. And she is. And while I don't believe she every really healed from us, or took the proper time to deal with it, I know now that that's who she is. Whoever I loved, she's gone. Or maybe she never existed. Maybe it was a mask she kept on for years. Maybe she just didn't know who she is. Maybe she still doesn't, and never will. But I know who I am. And I know what I want in love. And a fickle person, who can jump to something else so soon after our long relationship, ISN'T who I want in my life. And if she's this way. Maybe I dodged a bullet. Maybe she's the one who got screwed here, not me. It's time I forgive her for what she did to me. I won't ever be able to speak to her again. This pain will likely always resurface when I see her, or hear about her. There will always be feelings there. I loved her. And I still do. I just know now that it's not possible to engage in that love anymore, and that something better has to be waiting for me somewhere. This must have happened for a reason. So, I will forgive her in my mind, so that I can move past this. And, I will finally forgive myself. For not being able to fix things. For not being able to keep a love going. For not being able to convince her to come back. For things I didn't say during our relationship, but should have. For things I should have done. For things I SHOULDN'T have said or done. It's time to let them go. I've done all I could to try and make up for anything that was my fault. In the end, the truth is, it wouldn't have mattered. This is who she is now. And it's not who I am. This won't be easy, but it's time to do this last thing. To let go.
northstar1 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Good post. It took me a good 8 months to let go of my ex and all the bitter thoughts. I haven't had contact in over a year and other than the odd filtering of news through people, I have no clue what she's doing. She could be engaged/pregnant/insane - not my prob anymore. The one thing I've learned through all of it is, People change Feelings can change People will often do what they want when it comes down to it. Happiness can't come from another person only, it has to come from you. And most importantly, the past is not the present. Holding onto the nostalgia and memories, and bashing your head into the wall asking "They told me they loved me, how can they be with someone else" will just keep you stuck in a vortex of pain.
sean1970 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 It's never easy jlr but you seem to have come a long way. Your post should inspire many here that it does get better...
USMCHokie Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 The one thing I've learned through all of it is, People change Feelings can change People will often do what they want when it comes down to it. Happiness can't come from another person only, it has to come from you. I had to bold and underline this...because this was the MOST IMPORTANT thing I had to realize before I could really start letting go... People change...their feelings at one point were true...your relationship did matter at one point...but people change...sh*t changes...life happens... I used to think that my ex never loved me and never cared...that our relationship was a lie...but I know at one point in her life, she did care...and the relationship mattered a great deal to her...but like northstar said, people change...their feelings change...and I understand and accept that she eventually stopped feeling that way about me...and the relationship was something she didn't want anymore... It's no one's fault...it's human nature and just the way life is...the quicker you learn to accept that, the easier it gets to let go and move on...
EricaH329 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Good for you!!!! I love reading posts like this! It takes a really strong person to be able to realize that what happened in the past, needs to be left in the past. To forgive everyone involved, and move forward. The best thing you can do for yourself now, is to learn from the experience and grow from it. Focus on yourself for awhile. Treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated, and regain some of that self respect back! Coming to the realization that you are both different people, leading different lives on a separate path... is probably one of the most freeing experiences. It really puts things into perspective, and allows you to grow and mature. I'm so very happy that you are doing this for yourself! It takes an incredible amount of strength, and I admire you for that!
Ilovecake Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Weird, but I was trying to close my old myspace account some weeks a go since I haven't used it in years and was going through the messages to make sure I didn’t leave anything on there like an address or a phone number I might need. I found a very old message from my ex in my inbox talking about how much “he adores me blah blah blah”. I almost got a little teary eyed and then the thought "people change" popped into my head and all of a sudden it's like it all clicked. The girl that message was sent to is gone and the person that sent that message isn't with us anymore either. For the first time I didn't feel this irrational anger towards him and it felt good.
SadKitty78 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Beautiful and from the heart! Thank you for sharing this. The process of acceptance (of both one's emotions in the grieving process AND the fact that the relationship has ended) is extremely powerful. I've been learning to accept both the fact that my feelings right now are normal and that the relationship has ended, and I find myself coping with it so much better! I'm glad to hear you have made so much progress and I know I'll get there as well soon. Thanks for posting this!
thepulse27 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 This is the one, last, final thing I need to do. But it's proving to be so much harder than I ever thought. I hope I get there, whatever happens. Great post jlr, really life-affirming. You deserve some happiness mate.
SadKitty78 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 This is the one, last, final thing I need to do. But it's proving to be so much harder than I ever thought. I hope I get there, whatever happens. Great post jlr, really life-affirming. You deserve some happiness mate. The last part of process is always the hardest! The last 5 or 10 pounds are always the hardest in a diet! But that just means you've come sooo far and are sooo close! Stay positive! You're doing good work!
SlowHealer Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Man jlr, That is very well written. There is a lot of truth and wisdom in your post. I am about 13 months out and I could have written that exact post and applied it entirely to me. I am sure there are others this would apply to as well. One thing you mentioned was they aren't the same people that we were in love with. So true. People change. At the same time, they show their true colors too. Stay the course. Stay away. It has to be about you for a while. You sound like a loyal person with a good heart that has a lot to offer someone. Don't let contact with her wreck your progress. Thanks for taking the time to share your story. All the best to you.
EYECANDY000 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Great reminder. Somehow my ex keeps pulling me in time and time again, to only keep hurting me. So far I am on day 2 of NC. Ive done it before where i went 2 weeks but he texted me and I broke down and caved . So I know what to expect now.. but it still hurts like hell. good luck to everyone
just1guy Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 thank you for writing that post. I wish I was to a point that I can write that, but just when I feel like I'm ready, thoughts of her creep in and set me back a few steps. I could apply everything you've written to my situation, and I know I dodged a bullet. I just wish my heart would accept this and let me move on.
DustySaltus Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Jlr, I'm glad you're on the road to happiness.
Author jlr Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Thank you all for the kind words. I appreciate it. And to those of you who are earlier in the process, don't worry, you'll get there. I promise. I never thought I'd get past the days of feeling like I wanted to die. The days when I couldn't make it an hour without crying. But I did. And while I still have dark days, they are less frequent. And I'm able to talk myself out of them better. I'm not 100%. I still think of her often. But I'm learning to treat them as just thoughts, and memories, and not some impulse to want to talk to her. I'm learning to leave it in the past. But it's by no means easy. This stuff takes time. Don't let anyone tell you you're taking to long to heal, or that you shouldn't still be hung up on things. Everyone is different. If you really loved someone, it will take you a long time to get that through your system. Luckily, my friends and family understood that, and they've supported me and my feelings. Surround yourself with people who do that. We're all going to be ok. It's gonna take time, and it will hurt like hell, but we are going to be ok. This part of our lives - our old relationship - may be over. But there's something waiting for us. We can't stay holed up in the pain for so long that we miss it when it does arrive. Keep your heads up, you're good people.
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