bolase Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Some advice, light hearted or serious would be really appreciated right now, because my housemate who not long ago said he had "fallen for" me, before dropping out of touch and meeting a new girl, is having her round this weekend. He and I were both not ready for relationships when we hooked up once, terrible idea I now know, as we are sharing a house with others - but the attraction kinda boiled over and that was that. We shared a strong friendship too and keeped getting closer (no more intimacy) after that. A few weeks ago he went away for work, and as I had just met someone new I sent my housemate a message and asked him where we stood. He gushed and said he thought I was amazing, would keep pursuing me even if we didnt live together and so on, telling me he wanted to be with me and give me much more than just a hooking-up situation, which I wouldn't agree to after the one night of craziness. Then he went MIA and on coming home, had apparently met someone while away. he was super cagey about it, asking me all about the guy I'd met and wanting to know details. I wasn;t having it, and said I couldnt respect him for saying those things then nothing for a week and apparently dating another girl, why would I waste my time? It has been hard giving up the feeling of a potential 'big thing' with him but I have come to see some of his actions as pretty selfish. He is now telling me about this girl (talk to someone who cares!!) and how she is a self confessed player, but they have a connection etc. So he was dishonest about her when he first mentioned her to me. Now how do I get through this weekend with her staying with us, when it reminds me every second of how he told me he'd fallen for me, only 2 days prior to having met her...I am lost for words but sick of playing nicely. I dont want to be around them, but it seems like they deserve each other. Sorry for the rant...anyways what would you do?
jthorne Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Ditch him, and quick. He's a "fair weather friend". Cut off contact with him. If that means finding a new place to live (hopefully it won't), then do so.
Sazerac Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 He was a FWB and that's pretty much it. Not to mention a major flake. I assume you're still with the other guy? If so, then don't even bother wasting a backward thought on the housemate. He's not worth it. Be happy with whom you have now.
BlueHarvest Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Wish him luck, be a friend, but move on. Only put forth as much effort as he is willing to put forth into being YOUR friend. Sounds like he just falls for people who give him attention. If it falls through with this "current" girl and ends up coming back to you, tell him straight up "I'll be your friend, but your actions have shown that you have some emotional instability that would not be healthy for either of us to be involved in a deeper relationship with each other." Sounds like he needs to learn to grow up/be independent. But that's just my thoughts.
xRJ85x Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Unless I'm reading the last part of this wrong: He gushed and said he thought I was amazing, would keep pursuing me even if we didnt live together and so on, telling me he wanted to be with me and give me much more than just a hooking-up situation, which I wouldn't agree to after the one night of craziness. it seems like him finding someone else shouldn't be a big deal to you. Did that mean you wouldn't agree to his feelings or you wouldn't have agreed to hook up with him that night? Some things need clearing up too. How did you react when he confessed how he felt about you? And how long had he been dating this girl since then?
Author bolase Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 Nah the other guy is cool, but after 2 dates..no spark from my end anyway, can;t speak for him. He is happy to be just my friend, and smokes the housemate in every way (except for the elusive spark )
phineas Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 what I get is they hooked up. He wanted more than hookups. She didn't. He got scarce & then she decided she wanted more than hookups & so did he but he had probably allready met someone & after some thought decided he liked the new girl better. that sound right?
Author bolase Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 Unless I'm reading the last part of this wrong: it seems like him finding someone else shouldn't be a big deal to you. Did that mean you wouldn't agree to his feelings or you wouldn't have agreed to hook up with him that night? Some things need clearing up too. How did you react when he confessed how he felt about you? And how long had he been dating this girl since then? Sorry, that was unclear. I said I couldn't just "hook up" after our one night, it wasn't for me, I wanted to wait until I was ready for a relationship again (and I was sure I couldnt keep going without developing feelings) and he accepted this but didnt say too much. So we just got closer as friends, and kissed again too, before his trip away when it all happened (he told me he'd actually fallen for me, then dropped out of contact and met a player girl) I actually put the word to him by saying I'd met someone, but I really like HIM and wanted to know where we stood. When he said that he thought I was xxxxx etc, I asked him if we were going to be more, but didnt get a clear reply. When he came back though he did basically confess that he'd practically asked for a relationship, but said he didnt know what I wanted (which is a bit bull****..I think!) 2 days after these messages (text and I missed a call from him) he went to a party where I later learnt he'd met this girl. They went on 1 date and now she has said shes in town and wants to hang out. I think he;s a douche for playing with my feelings, but he also doesnt seem keen on being my friend at the moment, except wanting to talk to em about this girl, so I conclude he's a selfish guy!! Just not sure how to handle a weekend of him and her
Author bolase Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 what I get is they hooked up. He wanted more than hookups. She didn't. He got scarce & then she decided she wanted more than hookups & so did he but he had probably allready met someone & after some thought decided he liked the new girl better. that sound right? He wanted a casual thing, or suggested but I said no, I couldnt handle casual with us living together. So I did want more than hookups, he just wanted more hookups! He met this girl after we had messaged, know it for a fact. And anyway that part is okay, I couldn't be with him, I'd love advice on how to be civil to the two of them though
phineas Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 He wanted a casual thing, or suggested but I said no, I couldnt handle casual with us living together. So I did want more than hookups, he just wanted more hookups! He met this girl after we had messaged, know it for a fact. And anyway that part is okay, I couldn't be with him, I'd love advice on how to be civil to the two of them though ah. got it. I'm civil with my STBXW. it's easy when you don't care anymore & realize their not the person for you. But honestly, i can't even imagine this guy bringing a chick around much. I don't know too many women that would be cool with their boyfriend rooming with a chick they had a ONS with. he either didn't tell her or he did & just thinks he's da' man in control of his wymin.
threebyfate Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 bolase, I think you're going to have to own some of this. You did hook up with him prior to any dating or relationship discussion so is he really such a douchebag to expect a continuation of the same? As for what you should do, just be cool when she comes to visit. It's not her fault that you and this guy wanted different things.
Author bolase Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 yeah I do own that part - the hookup, I was curious and had never been in that situation before (ONS). All wrong but I wanted to But as for expecting more of the same...I guess guys hold out hope that they can have their cake and eat it, right? But really I was very clear that wouldnt happen, I wasnt comfortable with casual. We then got in depth while he was away sharing our feelings, and I took him saying he 'wanted to be more than casual', 'was excited at the thought of it', 'we'd have to be open with our other housemates' and he 'had 'fallen for' me..as genuine - but it was apparently fake. Either that, or he really freaked out at admitting these things, and tested himself out at still being single and available through the action of hooking up with a new girl.
In_Repair Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 You both kept your options open... he liked his options more, for whatever reason. You need to either have a serous talk with him about it or just let it go. Lay your feelings out there and see what happens. Maybe he will dump the other girl and come to you, or maybe he will remind you of the old saying "you snooze, you lose".
In_Repair Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 ^^^nevermind my last post. I got tied up at work while I was posting and missed half of the conversation...
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