lisal0u Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Hi, Two days ago my ex tells me he's now seeing his work friend! The work friend that he swore to me was just a friend and not the reason for our split! He told me he wanted to be alone and become a better person and couldn't imagine getting over me for at least a year! It's only taken him 2 months . I actually think this has been going on longer after a few things I found! I kindof knew it was coming but hoped it wouldn't! How do I stop feeling so sad and awful and hurt?!
scatterd Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Im sorry your so hurt try to stay busy and not talk to him thr more they are around the more it hurts in time you will feel better,its so hard to say love can hurt so bad but time heals all good luck and big hugs.
Author lisal0u Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 Thanks scattered! I am trying not to contact him at all but we have a house together that were just trying sort out what to do with! I'm supposed to be seeing him Monday night to discuss it! It's going to be horrible though cos I know he will have been with her all weekend! They live 5 hours apart so I hopefully won't bump into her! Sooner or later she'll come to where we live to visit and I don't think I'll be able to handle it! I've been trying to stay busy but it's not really helping! Just feel very lost! I can't help thinking about him doing all the things we used to do with her! Our dream was to visit the galapagos and it would be awful if he took her! She going to get the life I was supposed to have :(
single Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Sorry you are so down but you are going to have to go no contact or very limited contact (house conversations only). Sounds like he was seeing her when you were both together and they have finally came out with it. Same thing happened to me 2 weeks before xmas i got dumped and told she wasn't happy although other people told me different then i found out recently she had been cheating and still is with the guy i suspected all along (one of the neighbours) You are going to drive yourself mad though thinking about what they are doing etc trust me on that you need to look after yourself I know it's hard but it will get better. Get out with friends etc and start living again why should you sit about crying for him when he is out enjoying himself. Goto the gym or whatever just keep yourself busy and don't contact him, i don't know your situation with the house but i'm sure you could discuss any details about it over email or the phone why torture yourself by seeing him. It does get easier i promise you i am just over 4 months and still have bad days but they get less. As for the galapagos and stuff like that there will be plenty of time to do that stuff yourself, friends or even with a special person but forget about that just now and for the moment just get yourself in a better and happier place.
mandolinman Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I can't help thinking about him doing all the things we used to do with her! Our dream was to visit the galapagos and it would be awful if he took her! She going to get the life I was supposed to have :( Lisa, The life you were supposed to have is the life you can make for yourself. What are your hobbies? Maybe you can join a local group related to your hobby - a great way to meet new people! If they (your ex and the OW) came to their "relationship" on these terms, I doubt it will last very long once the newness wears off. Just my opinion. Brett
Author lisal0u Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 I think your right about just talking on the phone! He swears to me that he didn't cheat but I just can't believe him! He's lied about a few things! He told me that his friend and her husband split up 2 weeks after us when actually it was a week before! I found a card from her to him the other day which suggested they had been more than just friends for a while! He told me that their relationship only changed to dating last weekend!! Another lie!! I know he can do what he wants now and it's not my business anymore! It would be a lot easier if he dissappeared! Unfortunately he has no plans to and has been looking at flats just round the corner . We live in a small town with the same friends! It's making me want to move far away! I told him I might move abroad and he said that made him mad! Why would he care if I left? I thought he would be pleased! Sigh
single Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I have seen loads of threads like this and my own situation, people want to believe it wasn't going on when all the evidence points to something has been. He sounds like he wants everything his new girl and you in reserve in case it all goes wrong. Get out and start having some fun I bet he will go mental when you do start dating again. His loss you just look after yourself now and enjoy being single again after all you can do and go where you want now. Maybe get a friend and go a break somewhere away from it all to clear your head and chill out. Why would I, you or anyone else ever go back to them after cheating no thanks it's their loss.
Author lisal0u Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 I'm not going to be anyones backup! I don't think he wants that anyway! He said I'd changed a lot in the last few years, I wasn't happy anymore and seemed angry at the world! Why would he want me as a backup if he doesn't love me anymore?! I wish I could go out there and meet someone else but I'm so not ready for that yet! I'm joining the gym on Friday so hopefully that will help! I hope in a couple more months I do feel better because this is rubbish
ItsJustLife Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I remember reading your original story. I used to frequent this site on my phone before going to bed, kinda like bedtime/comfort reading but I've slowly stopped. I'm actually surpised cause when I think about how long it's been since my break up, I actually don't know the exact number - I think thats a good sign. I'd ball park it to be 6 or 7 months now. In short, mine was half the time of your relationship - a third of my life (do the math if your interested) 14 years vs 7 years, can you distinguish a difference between the two? other than the added time, both show serious commitment to the relationship. Trust me I know what it's like to be burden by memories everywhere, to be reminded of some irrelevant memory of her when I'm reaching into my cupboard for a snack, to see a flash back when I'm studying in the library. I've got some grasp of the long term commitment relationship, hear me out. I'm not a lunatic on a rant. and I've realised one common denominator after reading millions of threads on here, that is, how many people are stuck in denial. "He said he didn't want another relationship but now hes with his 'friend' "... "She said she just needed time away, a break but now she left me for someone else"... "He's dating his coworker right after our break up"... "She left me for another guy"... "I'm not sure why he left, it was a great relationship"... "We cuddled a day before his break up, why did she break it off?"... "He told me he loved me, did he lie?"... "She said she needs a break, was it because of me?"... Closure is something ONLY you can give to yourself These are questions and personal excuses that i've noticed on here, excuses to dignify a reason to hold on. The one I've grown to hate the most on here now is this one, "It's not like him/her to do that"... really? well was it like them to break up a long term relationship like that? why is it that we lose sight of reality, and forget that humans dont operate on patterns. We're spontaneous, random and sometimes illogical so it doesnt matter if what happened doesnt fit the mold you've created for them, all that matters is that it happened. I remember coming fresh out of my break up, full of unanswered questions (I think about that phrase now, "unanswered questions" I realise I have all the answers I need.) One of my first reads was a post on here where someone posted something similar to what I'm trying to say right now. I remember thinking "god man, this guys so jaded from his break up." But I think about it now, how in denial I was. If you dont believe me, maybe in time you will, but I hope you will realise it sooner than I did. I know what your thinking, "I love him", well I "loved" her and truth be told cause god knows, I still care about her even though I havent talked to her since. Honey, its hard, 7 years with someone and then just like that you get dropped. All the sweet nothings whispered, the lovey-dovey moments, the kisses the hugs the unforgettable memories -put those all aside because they'll only cloud your thoughts. Just realise this, they are no longer standing at your side. There is no reason, there is no why, take the phrase for what its worth, the literal meaning. Does it get easier? That depends on how nice your going to treat yourself. I have had dreams with her in it, they were hard. When you wake up, just make sure to look yourself in the mirror and say "Fu_k it", comb your hair, wash your face (in any order you like) and get on with your day. you'll have set backs, days where you'll just mope around, the whole "woooe is mmeee" routine. But as soon as you snap out of it, look yourself up and down in a mirror and remember that sometimes you have to forget how you feel, to remember what you deserve. If 6 months from now you look back on this post and smile, then the 1 hour spent not studying for my exam and typing this was worth it. It is what it is. Luck is $200 on a single roll on a dice, so I wont wish you good luck like others cause you dont need luck to get through this. This is belief, belief that you WILL get through this. Think positive, stay positive and believe.
Author lisal0u Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 Itsjustlife - thanks so much for taking time out to write that!! I really hope I can look back on this in 6 months and smile! I know time heals, just wish it could go a bit quicker! I never thought after 14 years and just finishing a year and a half rhouse enovation I'd be where I am! Trying to get over the future you had planned is the hardest and most painfull thing ever! I just dread having to hear about him, him getting engaged etc. I just hope by then I'm happy and won't care! As he's only taken 2 months to get over 14 years I wouldn't be surprised if he rushed his new relationship! I want to smile again and mean it
LisaUk Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I can't help thinking about him doing all the things we used to do with her! Our dream was to visit the galapagos and it would be awful if he took her! She going to get the life I was supposed to have :( Hi Lisa, She is going to have a life with a cheater and he is going to have a life with an adulteress! That's for however long it lasts, because it won't neither of them have commitment or staying power. Your life on the other hand IS going to be good and happy again and better than it would have been with a cheater. Don't kid yourself hunny, he was cheating with her, she left her H a week before he broke it off with you! If I were you I would call her H and fill him in or maybe he can fill in the gaps for you, plus get yourself checked at the clinic, sorry to mention it but if he has been cheating you need to take care of your physical health as well. I just dread having to hear about him, him getting engaged etc. I just hope by then I'm happy and won't care! As he's only taken 2 months to get over 14 years I wouldn't be surprised if he rushed his new relationship! You need to go NC Lisa, beleive me I know ho whard it is, house convos by e-mail only and that is all. Tell your friends that you understand he is their friend as well but he has really hurt you and you can't hear about him. If they truely are your friends, they will understand and respect that. If you run into him, hold your head up and walk in the other direction, you have nothing to be ashamed of or fear from him or her, they are both disgusting people. After 14 years you do not deserve to be treated this way. Also, don't beleive for a second all the "reasons" for your break up he is giving you, he is trying to provide justifications to himself for his own bad behaviour by blaming you. You are a good, worthwhile person who loved him and was faithful. Tell me did you do everything in your relationship with the best of intentions? If you did you have no recourse to blame yourself. Cheating is never excusable anyway. Hugs.
Author lisal0u Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 Thankyou lisa! I did contact the ex husband and he replied! Really didn't think he would, he was friendly too! I told him what I knew and it was him I asked about dates! He told me that she spoke about him a lot, like every day and that it was out of the blue to him too! I'd been told that their marriage had been rocky for some time, but like me he never got told about it either! Looks like our ex's talked about us to each other rather then to us! He didn't know how much they had been seeing each other and he didn't know what to believe either! I also messages her which was a bit childish! Just said thanks homewrecker, stay out of my way! I have not really handled this break up with a lot of dignity! I guess that is what gut wrenching heart break and a cheating ex does to some of us! It certainly is one hell of a life lesson which I never wish to repeat!
Author lisal0u Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 (edited) I want to send him this: Something just came to me! *You told me that you had decided you were going to dump me at the beginning of that week! *Now I realise why it was that moment you decided! *Lindsay dumped her husband, you planned it together and you did meet up with her when she was in hull covering your vets for pets! *You were home really late that evening telling me you had an evening meeting! *Tell yourself you're not a liar and a cheat but you are! *You never mentioned they had split, I wonder why!! *Just because you say you didn't sh*g her does not mean you didn't cheat, sneaking behind my back is just as bad! So the texts you sent in the lakes, were they just to let her know you were definately going to dump me when you got back?!! *That's why you went for a sleep isn't it, so you could be alone to contact her!! *Thats why you got so pi**ed that night, trying to get rid of the guilt! *I feel such a fool, I was really worried about you feeling Ill, kept checking in on you and made you food when you said you felt better! I have been a complete mug and you have turned out to be a lying cheating scumbag! I have wasted 14 years of my life on you and if I could take them all back I would do it in an instant! I'm actually gratefull for you dumping me now! *I deserve so much better than you! *I kept asking myself what she has that I don't and do you know what that is... She's got a broken marriage, divorce, adultery and you, a lying cheat! *Good luck to you both because you're going to need it! Do I? Edited April 22, 2010 by lisal0u
ItsJustLife Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Don't do it, will provide a reason why tmrw!!! Hold onto that idea
hopesndreams Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 How you feel, what you know, your moments of clarity, your anger, your despair will be of no importance to him anymore and haven't been for quite some time. He has hurt you and did it with the full knowledge of doing so. What kind of person does that? A completely selfish one. Crawl into his head and his thoughts aren't about you. They are about himself only. What he wants and at whatever price. Put all your thoughts to paper. Once written, forget it. Go on to your next thought. This is an outlet, and a very good one. Once your journal is full, you can either throw it away or put it away, out of sight, out of mind. You must have an outlet. Otherwise, you will be driven insane with the thoughts whirling around your head. These thoughts don't go away anytime soon either. Give yourself a month for each year you were with him. Give yourself, some time, each day, to cry, scream, what have you and then be done with it until the next day. Grieve but do not let it consume you. He isn't worth it! Love yourself more now than you ever did and be extremely kind to yourself. Do not share any of these thoughts or what you are experiencing with him. They are for you only. If you are seeing a professional to help you deal, which I never did, and should have...all the better!!!
LisaUk Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 How you feel, what you know, your moments of clarity, your anger, your despair will be of no importance to him anymore and haven't been for quite some time. He has hurt you and did it with the full knowledge of doing so. What kind of person does that? A completely selfish one. Crawl into his head and his thoughts aren't about you. They are about himself only. What he wants and at whatever price. Put all your thoughts to paper. Once written, forget it. Go on to your next thought. This is an outlet, and a very good one. Once your journal is full, you can either throw it away or put it away, out of sight, out of mind. You must have an outlet. Otherwise, you will be driven insane with the thoughts whirling around your head. These thoughts don't go away anytime soon either. Give yourself a month for each year you were with him. Give yourself, some time, each day, to cry, scream, what have you and then be done with it until the next day. Grieve but do not let it consume you. He isn't worth it! Love yourself more now than you ever did and be extremely kind to yourself. Do not share any of these thoughts or what you are experiencing with him. They are for you only. If you are seeing a professional to help you deal, which I never did, and should have...all the better!!! Wonderful advice H&D! Lisa, what H&D said is so true, he is not open to hearing how you feel, he is only concerned with himself and with her. The advice about the journal is a great idea, the thoughts do go round and round for quite some time. The problem is you want to almost tell him or share with him your feelings b/c to you he is still a part of you, a person you love and who you share with and also the person you turn to for comfort in times of need. Whether that is expressed as anger or hurt, the end result is the same, he doesn't care and you feel lost and desperate and powerless over something you thought you would have the rest of your life- his love. That is no easy thing to let go off, I know. What H&D said about a month for each year is what most experts say, everyone is different though, I am nearly 14 months out and I can honestly say I feel MUCH better than I did a year ago, but I am still not quite there yet. Will it be another 4 months for me then? I hope so! I would love to be done and moved on, I hate this torment and pain, but I have no way of knowing when this will leave me completely, will it ever? All I and you can do Lisa, is to keep moving forward and let out our feelings, on here, in a journal, but don't waste your time expressing it to him-he will either ignore it or respond negatively which will only serve to upset you further and cause you more pain and frustration. How are you today?
ItsJustLife Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I agree with the above post for all the reasons and if the above didnt convince you maybe another perspective can. As an outsider, not caught up in the emotions and heat of the moment, my only question to you is this: "What will you accomplish from sending this?" Don't get me wrong, I did the exact same thing. I was angry and livid and I wanted her to know how i felt. I wanted her to know that i felt cheated and used. I wanted to say every little minute details and quirks of hers that i put up with over the years, things that bothered me and things that I'd grown to love. Lastly, I wanted to know if it was truly so, was my effort not enough? I can confidently say now, that my original intentions for writing to her would have been the above. That is - to seek some sort of reaffirmation that I had done nothing wrong, that I had done everything I could to try to keep her happy and it is her who is being illogical. It's weird that at the time I would still try to reassure myself that I had tried my best. After the first year with her, sometime between year 1-2 I had reached a conclusion after an event that took place between us (it would turn out to be an indirect lesson that I was able to draw a new perspective from.) that would actually change the dynamic of how i saw the relationship. From that point on, I basically made up my mind to be all or nothing. I was going to give it 90-100% - no more regrets about things I could have or should have done. I made a sincere effort to make her feel special. If I was in the mood to write her a note and slip it in her pocket while she wasnt looking, i'd do it. If i felt like wrapping up some chocolates to brighten a boring day of lectures for her, i'd do it. If creativity/inspiration struck me with fun ideas we could do, I'd look it straight on and say "Why not?" From that point on, I became an avid practicer of you don't need an occasion to give someone you love a gift. Now I know what you might think, this guy was on a leash: whip, ball and chain. I ASSURE you i wasn't. I just decided to take every opportunity god gives me, take nothing for granted so that if it ended I wont have any regrets. Now turn the hands on your clock foward 4 years to right after our break up and you would see someone filled with regrets and plenty of self doubt. I made a decision years earlier to never have regrets and yet here I was feeling like I could have done more and done things differently. Do you see the conflict here, how much we discredit ourselves when we're in this state of mind. How much we try to seek for approval, to lash out in a letter pleading our case of how good we were to them and ultimately, unknowingly we are saying to them: "You know what, this is your last chance to turn around. You dont realise how good you had it" At the same time, emotions burst through our writing and we plague the letters we write with our on theories to why they left. We point blame in their direction and prove to them that we aren't fooled by their antics, we see through the lies. We want them to know that we know. But what point do we prove by doing so? Absolutely nothing. Near the end, my ex would tell me about dinners she went on with her "friend". Apparently, so I've come to realise - the resturants were catered more towards the "romatic" date types of dinners. Ofcourse I believed her (and well heres a bit of male ego for yeah but, I was never really intimidated or felt threatened by his presence if you know what i mean.) One month (probably even less) after our break up a friend showed me a picture of him and her together. She had red lip stick on, he had red lip marks on him. ( We had done this before jokingly, kinda like the 1990's cartoon inspired ideas, you know the whole bit on looney tones, pepe la pew chasing the cat and smothering it with kisses.) I think thats when I wrote my letter. How is it that she could move on and do something we did together so quickly? I did exactly what you did, I wrote everything out in depth, I wanted to expose the truth, get the closure I never got from her. I never sent it, infact i deleted it entirely a few days after. I'm glad I did. Closure is only something you can give yourself. What could they say to make the situation any better? What could they say to make things right again? The bridge has been burned. Years of built trust washed away like a sandcastle situated too close to the shore. In silence we say more. It's not about punishing them and making them feel embarassd. Guilt has a way of doing that itself without anyones interference. It's about realising nothing you do or say right now can put things back to how they were. It's about realising what you truly want in life, about reflecting on your past relationship, understanding that they are not perfect and thus you arent either. Learn to forgive yourself about mistakes you genuinely made. Don't be foolish and think you made all the right decisions in the relationship, there are always things that can be improved in the future. Lastly, its about looking yourself in the mirror and just saying "Fu_k it" wash your face, comb your hair (ofcourse, in any order you wish) and then take one last look and say "If this is what they want, so be it." Maybe you'll brush your teeth, floss a bit and then just get on with your day. It's all about you now, I hope this can inspire you to just delete him from your phone, your social networks and all other methods of contact. It will be hard. It took me a couple months to delete all the pictures off my phone. The hurt you feel from initially cutting him out of your life will not amount to the pain you will feel from him stringing you along. Forget how you feel, so that you can remember what you deserve.
Author lisal0u Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 Thanks guys! I havent sent it because youre right it wont achieve anything! Feel really upset today, trying to decide what to do with the house is just too much on top of being dumped! I just dont think I can take it on without financially crippling myself then i wont have a life at all. Cant really sell it because Id lose money so the only option left is to sign it over to him. I just cant stand that thought because then his new woman would stay there and maybe even move in! Then she gets to enjoy all the hard work and scarifices I put into it! I would walk away with no house, boyfriend or money and just be left with the debt from it and living with my Dad for who knows how long I just feel like giving it to him and moving far far away so I never have to see or hear what he's up to ever again! Life really really sucks right now!
hopesndreams Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Take your name off the deed? And, what, get nothing? Why isn't he buying you out?
Author lisal0u Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 Take your name off the deed? And, what, get nothing? Why isn't he buying you out? Unfortunately there is no equity in the house so nothing to be bought out of. We had 3 valuations done and they were the same as what is outstanding on the mortgage He has picked the worst moment to do this to me! The housing market is in the gutter, Ive accumulated debt because of renovating the house, I'm older and I have no options that dont involve me losing out! Im having to give everything up! He on the other hand has a new life up an running and could just walk away if he wanted!
LisaUk Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Take your name off the deed? And, what, get nothing? Why isn't he buying you out? Hi H&D because they are in negative equity, nothing to pay for her share. Sorry to answer for you Lis, by the way did you ask the solicitor about any debts you have on the house? WOuldn't there be some way of getting him to take his share of them if he gets to keep the house?
hopesndreams Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Then put the house on the market. Either way, you are losing, but at least he won't be living there with her. What makes you think she hasn't been in there already, sizing everything up? This was why you didn't have access to the house. How are the pets?
LisaUk Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Lisa Maybe it's time to think outside the box re the house. Two other ideas, both not ideal but with pros as well as cons - 1. come to an arrangement with the ex and rent the house out to cover the mortgage payments until the house prices go back up and sell? Obviously if you did this you would need to get a solicitor to draft a legally binding contract to protect you. 2. Again, reach an agreement with the ex to keep the property in both names, he can live in it provided he pays half the mortgage and all bills and you continue to pay half the mortgage, but again get a contract drawn up stating the terms and that when the house prices go out to a certain amount you both agree to sell. I know this isn't ideal as it would mean that you are still tied up with him, although once drawn up in a contarct this would be a business/commercial arangement, it would also mean having to live at you Dads for the foreseeable future, but if you sigh it over you will have to anyway due to the debts. At least this way you can recoup your debts when the housing market picks up, you could set the terms so you don't sell until the house price reaches enough to cover your mortgage repayment and any early repayment fees, all your debts from the renovation and your legal and estate agent fees? Just some ideas.
Author lisal0u Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 Hi Lisa, We sat down one night and went through all our bank accounts, credit cards etc and worked out what each of us had spent. He has actually spent a little bit more than me so my credit card debt is mine unfortunately I might go talk to the bank tomorrow and see if there is anything I can do! Im not ready to discuss it with him on Monday, its a massive decision and Im going to need a bit more time!
LisaUk Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 One more just came to mind, you could change the mortgage to one that allows you to rent out a room and take a lodger to help you meet the increased mortgage repayments. A friends mum did this for years after her H left her for another women he had got pregnant, she is in her retirement now and has a house in London worth one h**l of a lot more than she paid for it!
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