liebchen Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I'm here from the dating forum and I'm desperately in need of advice from much smarter, stronger individuals than myself. The brief version is that I have been involved for seven years with someone I love so very much (I'm 33, he's 31). We've been through one heck of a lot together and have taken a few breaks from the relationship, but we've ended up back together after each of them. After some major life changes and being genuinely unable to picture a life without this man, I've begun wondering what future our relationship really has. He, after all, seems to have little to no interest in thinking about anything beyond today. We had a spat over the weekend concerning his ability to plan for years where his career is concerned, yet not being able to apply that energy to our relationship. The sensible thing, as I know, is to realize that he's not planning for a reason: he doesn't want to. But I lose sight of that by telling myself, "Well, he's here NOW, isn't he? Doesn't that mean something?" Yes. It means a lot. Just not what I want it to. While I'm busy continuing to become something I could never be (the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with), he's thinking about how to have his cake (closeness, intimacy) and eat it, too (remaining single, for all intents and purposes). Here's where I copy verbatim from my other post: We talked briefly yesterday and he says he's interested in working on things and giving the future an honest thought. Sounds fantastic. Why can't I buy that? I know why. Because it's not actually for sale. It's never been, nor will it ever be... at least not to me. His commitment phobia will die the moment he finds a woman he wants to give himself to in that manner, and even though it cuts me like a knife, I know it to be true. I suppose I'm still trying to find ways to become that woman. How does one find the strength in these situations to just walk away? You love someone dearly but finally reach the conclusion that even though they say they're interested in working on the relationship, it's all one big, fat platitude? Why can't that realization give one the strength to call it a day? I am an attractive, intelligent woman, and I do not suffer from a lack of attention from the opposite sex (although being over 30 puts me at odds with 90% of the males with whom I interact these days). It's just that the thought of being with anyone else right now (or, really, ever) makes me want to shut down completely. Lock myself in my apartment, become a hermit, that kind of thing. The past seven years have found me looking increasingly crazy/delusional to nearly everyone I know as I've waited for his words and his actions to meet, and I don't know how to reverse that perception. I've lost so much as a result of fighting for this that all I have left are the few individuals I managed to keep distant enough from this whole debacle for it not to taint our friendships. Jesus. I look back at all this and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I have never been the type of woman to make so many concessions for a man, to sit and wait for things that seem unlikely to ever come to pass. I give everything I do my all, but I am generally really good about recognizing when my efforts are futile and consequently calling it a day. This situation is killing me, I know it. Still, it's not enough, and I continue to cling fiercely to my delusions. Has anyone dealt with this? How did you get through it without falling apart? I feel like I'm in that state where you're just waking up, but the comfort of the bed is just so darned compelling that you can't force yourself to leave it. Thanks and apologies in advance.
EthanH Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 ok I have read your post... before i reply properly, I have a question... for you to be happy with him... give me 3 simple things he could do...
Green Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I also read your post and you see to be having a bad day. Have you felt this way for a long time or are you just really frustrated today and examining your entire relationship through that lens? Is it mariage and kids that you want? Would you be willing to settle for just kids and no marriage? Do you currently live with him? Its going to be ok.
Author liebchen Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 EthanH: There is really only one thing I need from him: honesty. If that honesty brings with it the admission that he doesn't want this relationship but has kept it going out of apathy, a lack of better/easier options, or simply not wanting to hurt me, then so be it. That honesty could also mean ceasing to avoid the issue and determining -- honestly -- that this isn't what he wants. But, and in more optimistic (but probably also unrealistic) terms, it could mean that he looks at it beyond today and sees that he doesn't want to lose me. So honesty, and perhaps bravery. I don't think I could ask for anything more than that without these two things in place. If we can achieve this much, then what I'd want from our relationship would likely change, but my wants and needs are no more important than knowing what his are. Does that answer your question? Green: I have felt this way periodically for at least five years. It's just that over the past several months, there seems to be very little time in which I don't feel it. I am not having a bad day, really, as much as I am (possibly) becoming unwilling to bridge the gap left by the disparity between his words and actions, or to hold myself responsible for keeping this alive if what he really wants (but is too afraid to say) is that he wants it to go away. I actually try on a daily basis to find some reason to believe it's worth working on, but I have been having trouble finding those reasons as of late. If I shove everything in my schedule around to see him, he has too much going on or wants to cancel at the last minute (to be fair, I know he is extremely busy, but I know busier people who make room for their SOs; it's not an issue of ability as much as it is willingness). If I start to move away, he'll throw me some scrap of time or affection that keeps me hanging on. I call him out, he tells me I'm an ingrate (although on the surface that may not sound far from the truth, I'm trying to keep this brief and haven't included the nitty-gritty details; I can provide them if necessary). I once wanted marriage and kids (I do have a child from my previous marriage). I am now 33 and headed toward a PhD program, so that's probably not in the cards, although I could not honestly say that if he said, "Liebchen, I want a baby NOW" that I wouldn't provide him with that. It's just not the priority it once was. Truthfully, yes. I want marriage. We do not live together, although we did once before. When we take our breaks, we come back to them at a lesser capacity than we were before we took it. For instance, we lived together in our own place before the first break. Before the second break, we lived together with a roommate. Before the third break, he was at my place about 3 - 4 days per week. Before the fourth break, he was over 2 days per week. Now, I'm lucky to see him for about 12 - 18 hours per week, 8 - 10 of which are spent sleeping. So, truthfully, I don't know where my problem is. I see right here what it is he really wants, and it's not me. :/
Green Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Well if you don't think he wants you anymore then yes you should leave him. It does seem like things are going backwards if you once lived togather and don't anymore. Its all about trying to see things clearly. If you think that you are seeing things clearly and he really doesn't make you feel good any more then you should leave him. It won't be easy after 7 years, but nothing ever is.
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