Not sure whats wrong with me?

[wba2010]

I had posted this originally in the break up section, it might be better in here.

 

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Hi all

 

New to this site, it seems to be the place to get answers and solace

 

I am a man in his early 30's and Im not sure whats going on with myself so Im asking this kind forum for some insight.

 

I seem to have relationships where I seem to be the one getting hurt all the time. I have had about 5 serious relationships in my life and in all of them I have been the hurt party. The reasons are varied from 'you wear your heart on your sleeve;' to 'you are so aloof' there seems to be no middle ground or a pattern for why my relationships end. The ending isnt the problem though, the problem is that I get crushed after a relationship is ended by the other party. A good example would be recently; I was dating a girl for two years and she ended it, I was devastated. I tried to move on the best I could, and I met somebody new. Initially I was not attracted at all to this new person, but something seemed to be there. It was passionate and loving, and she told me she was falling in love with me, but 6 weeks ago she ended it after 4 months.

I still cared a lot about the girl I dated for 2 years prior to this new girl, I thought I'd never get over her, then this new girl came along, and now I cant stop thinking about her.

This is a pattern in me, and I dont know why I do this. I just seem to obsess and get hurt over relationships to an unhealthy extreme. I tell myself its not right, but I just cant seem to shake this feeling. Ive tried to identify this emotion, but to no avail. Is it abandonment issues, is it low self esteem, I dont know, hence me posting this question?

 

I would really like to identify this phenomenon, and perhaps you kind people can have an inkling into the reason I seem to go off the rails??

 

In my work and social life I'm a strong individual, its just intimate relationships that seem to be my Achilles heel??

 

Thanks for hearing me out guys, and any notions of whats going on in me would be greatly appreciated (as are comedy answers lol)

 

All the best

Paul

[TaraMaiden]

I think you need a qualified counsellor and get to the bottom of this on a one-to-one basis.

 

Really, how can we possibly form any kind of accurate opinion based on a more-or-less 20-line post?

 

Seriously, if you're noticing a pattern, you need professional input....

[wba2010]

Tara

 

Thank you for your reply. Im not sure how to word it any better from my OP. Perhaps I do need a counsellor, I would rather not go down that expensive, drawn out route at the moment, but rather get an idea from the experienced people on here. Im not saying Im going to be cured via the responses here, but rather when I say that maybe people have experienced the same, or have an inkling into my predicament that they could shed light onto it.

 

If you have any questions or thoughts I would be more than happy to answer them, its distressing to me.

 

Again, thank you for your response, best Paul

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, if you notice a pattern, and come to a point where you think "Uh-oh...I know what's coming....!" - then, change it.

Change your behaviour, and change your thinking.

if whatever you do, leads you down the insane path of repeating mistakes, then surely, you've come to recognise the point where your behaviour is of the Groundhog day' variety....

At this point, stop yourself and ask yourself "what is productive about what I am choosing to do?"

If you have reached a point where you know you're following a pattern - then it's up to you to work that angle differently.

 

Is that a start?

[onewillburn]

I don't know that you necessarily need to change your behavior right when you feel a relationship is going to end. In fact, I would encourage you to do otherwise as long as you've been consistently true to yourself through out the relationship. The old saying is that you shouldn't change for anybody, and I believe that is an important quality when it comes to your fundamental beliefs and ideals. Don't try to change who you are to get a person to stay with you. That usually leads to more problems (that are often more complex than they need to be due to the suppressed feelings, etc.). If your behavior is destructive, then yes, obviously some sort of change is in order.

 

What I'm curious about is your behavior when you are in the relationships. What kind of relationships are these? Were there fights leading up to the break up? Were there any trust issues or disagreements? Or were most of the break ups fairly mature and without drama? Please be more descriptive about the terms of your break up and we might be able to help more. All we really get out of your message so far is that you've been dumped a few times. That happens to everybody and is a normal part of life that most people learn to get used to. But in order for us to help you figure out why you're getting dumped, we need more info.

 

I have a feeling that reasons like "you are aloof" and so on aren't actually the real issues. Maybe you are too submissive? Maybe you have trouble expressing yourself? Like I said, we need more info.

[shadowplay]

It's nearly impossible for us to help you get to the bottom of this without knowing more about you. I don't know if anything you write on an online forum would even be enough. I think it would take a professional to really get to know your history to unravel what's going on. For this reason I'll suggest that you get in touch with a good psychologist.

 

If I had to take a wild guess I suspect that you may be overly needy or dependent in relationships, even if you're not aware of it. Your response when a relationship ends suggests some level of dependency, which is bound to come up during the relationship itself and may turn your partner away. This dependency could manifest in different forms depending on the relationship, which may be why you get different reasons for why the relationship ends. Also bear in mind that the reason a dumper gives for ending things may not be the truth or the whole truth. Sometimes they aren't even aware of the real dynamic that is pushing them away.

 

Anyway, that's just a guess or starting point. Does this relate in any way to your experience?

[wba2010]

Thank you guys

 

To answer your questions; I dont change myself during a relationship, I do concede that I can be a bit submissive, but not in a door-mat kind of way. I am loyal and understanding, a great communicator and listener, full of fun and energy, strong and free-willed.

 

This last one there was a row prior but that was the only one we had, it was all hunky-dory prior to the fall out, and even the next day we talked about it, but I dont think we got it all fathomed out. She said we weren't on the same 'wavelength', which is absurdly ambiguous, but nevertheless she stuck, and is sticking by this statement, stubborn Taurus!!

 

This is an interesting quote:

"Also bear in mind that the reason a dumper gives for ending things may not be the truth or the whole truth. Sometimes they aren't even aware of the real dynamic that is pushing them away."

 

Yes, I certainly feel that none of my relationships the whole truth has been said, and when I pushed to get the 'real' answer out I was met with more distance, funny how people cant be truly honest a lot of the times.

 

The last one I heard is seeing her on again, off-again ex, who is bad news for her, yet she went back to him. That could be a Pandoras box Im opening up here for co-dependency on her part etc etc, yet she couldnt tell me the real truth why we broke up, but the evidence would suggest that the ex came back on the scene and that was that.

 

Above all I am truthful, got a great job, great prospects, not to blow my own trumpet but not bad looking either, I should be a catch, yet I keep getting thrown back in lol! The only thing I can think of is that at first I can come across as unattainable, Im very wary when a relationship starts, the type that the girls cant seem to figure out, but are intrigued by. Once I let them in, I open up and perhaps I can come across as not this unattainable person they were first intrigued by and then they think Im a push-over. Im not going to change my fair and honest approach to relationships as somebody out there will appreciate that, I have to be true to myself and I sincerely think Im a good partner, but I've not found the right one yet perhaps...sucks, Im getting too old

[Ilovecake]

Hi Paul

 

I second the notion that a good bout of therapy couldn't hurt. I'm the same way, I hold on for way too long and obsess over every single one of my exs. Now I know that I definitely have very strong abandonment issues stemming from the fact that 1) my father and all men that were important to me in my family died at a very young age. 2) My mother remarried several times plus had many boyfriends that I sometimes got attached to. So you see the men in my life have never stuck around very long and abandonment is my Achilles' heel. Knowing where my behaviors stems from it's easier for me to recognize and correct it when necessary.

[Ilovecake]

Thank you guys

This is an interesting quote:

"Also bear in mind that the reason a dumper gives for ending things may not be the truth or the whole truth. Sometimes they aren't even aware of the real dynamic that is pushing them away."

 

Yes, I certainly feel that none of my relationships the whole truth has been said, and when I pushed to get the 'real' answer out I was met with more distance, funny how people cant be truly honest a lot of the times.

 

 

It is an interesting quote but I think you completely missed the point of it. What the poster is saying is that it's not dishonesty, it's that a lot of times the dumper can't express what exactly it is that is making them lose feelings for you so they give you the one minute issue that is bothering them at the moment. Usually however it's a combination of small and large issues that they might not even be aware of, especially if it's a long term relationship. They might think it’s the way you chew your food but really there have been things bothering them throughout the relationship. Now that’s I have read the rest of your posts I definitely get a bit of a needy vibe from you. You definitely build these relationships up in head to be extremely significant. I know this because I’m just becoming aware of the fact that I have been doing the same thing all along. My expectations of my partners are always very high because I need to create a family unit, which is something I craved since I was a little kid. However I never really thought that the people I was dating might not feel that way at all. They might have completely different needs and expectations that I do and then they feel smothered.

[drutten]

It's just cosmically sad that we men are now supposed to feel guilty because we want intimacy ("neediness"), because we are prepared to compromise ("doormat behavior") and because we take a relationship seriously ("smothering"). Meanwhile, women can get away with all of these things. Isn't it time we stood up for our real feelings instead of apologizing for them and suppressing them?

[Ilovecake]

It's just cosmically sad that we men are now supposed to feel guilty because we want intimacy ("neediness"), because we are prepared to compromise ("doormat behavior") and because we take a relationship seriously ("smothering"). Meanwhile, women can get away with all of these things. Isn't it time we stood up for our real feelings instead of apologizing for them and suppressing them?

 

What the hell are you babbling about? I never said anything about men vs. women. As a matter of fact I even said I do the same thing that's why I can relate. Why are you turning this into some paranoid sexist flame war? Women haven't been called needy and nagging since the beginning of time? Are you saying these attributes only belong to women?

[drutten]

You're a woman! It's kind of interesting that I'm surprised, though I suspect that says more about me than about you.