Is my case diffrent?!

[Free4evva]

Ok so here I go... Since 98' I've been invovled w my ap. We were bout 17/18 I was seeing his friend. Well it ended but myself & my ap became close friends. A year later we were bestfriends then we had our first kiss months lter we started sleeping together. But we were both young n didn't want more( so I thought). Well I became prego by a man I was dating. My ap enlisted in the army. I gave birth 2001 shortly after he informed me he got a girl prego and was leaving for bootcamp. So the intense affair began. New years that yr he married this girl in order to b apart of his childs life & he stated" it was cheaper to keep her". Anyway so from 2001-2006 we were both cheating (I nvrr married) I dealt with him going throught 2 tours in Iraq . Yes I saaid I delt with his wife was always leaving him starting fights etc . I know this bcuz the friend I dated how we met married my bestfriend so in turn what my ap didn't tell me they did. So I tried to b a support system we always spoke on the phone online & spent time together when he got leave. We both were young & not ready for more than what it was through those years. Until early 2006 he was coming home from Iraq he was on my case about finally being more and starting a life together . I didn't take it seriously. Then he came home went out with my friends husband my ap's wife then threw herself at my friends husband in front of my ap. Anyway we got into a huge fight bcuz I said she was no better than a street walker etc etc & he defended her bcuz I know now he was humiliated. So from that point till this march we hadn't spoken. We got into contact again and it was casual he came from his home frm his state(he moved out of our state bout 9 hrs away) for Easter. So we met up and saw eachother at his parents home w some of his family and friends there. Very stupid move. Moment we saw eachother it all rushed back. As though 4 yrs hadn't gone by. He kissed me on sight and said he knows now he's screwed bcuz he loves me and has to leave his family. I finanlly talked sense into him and told he needed to finish school and decide then which is about another yr. So we speak n text everyday morning noon and night. Where she is idk bcuz it's an hourly thing. Now here's the kicker he just found out he's finally hving a second child a few days ago. He's very excited. I assumed this would change his plans but nope. He's dead set on coming back here to be with me within 2 yrs now. We r the beat of friends I mean we just know eachother better than ourselves. We hv a million and 1 great memories we really do makeour lives better. But am I crazy now to think this will happen?? Should I feel bad if it continues?! Do I hv some kinda right too him ?? Am I crazy?!?!?!*

[TaraMaiden]

Ok.

 

 

First of all, text-speak on a forum is unintelligible, hard to read and frankly tiring to try to get through.

Secondly, writing in Text-speak AND one big block of writing puts many people off trying to get through this.

Thirdly - oh here I go - you are both irresponsible, shallow, selfish people, messing with other people's lives and treating them irresponsibly, in a cruel and uncaring manner.

if he can be thinking of doing this, even though his other half is about to have a second child, just shows what an irresponsible, selfish, uncaring player he is.

And really?

If you're playing into this, you're just as bad, and you deserve each other.

 

Normally, I am pretty understanding about people having affairs, and straying outside the marriage, because as I always say, Desire is a natural trait, but Commitment is a choice, and obviously, people having affairs have chosen Desire over Commitment.

but this goes beyond the pale.

You would be doing everybody concerned a huge favour if you were to tell him to get out of your life, man up and take full responsibility for his wife and children, and focus on his relationship there.

And you should focus on giving your child a stable, secure and untroubled upbringing, and getting into a relationship with a man nwho is focussed and concerned just with you, not one who leaves women, children and devastation in his wake.

 

Grow up, the pair of you.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, and yes, you should feel bad if it continues, and no, you have no right to him while he is married, having sex with his wife, and producing children with her.

Children that, even if he does move to you, he will be financially responsible for, during their formative years. That's the next 20 or so.

(That's always assuming he stops at 2 kids.....! Who knows what the next 2 years will bring - ?!?)

 

Huh, Yeah.....Good luck with that.

[jthorne]

I agree with all that Tara said. But I will add that if he's still making babies with the wife, he's probably not as close to leaving as you think he is. If you love each other, what's 2 years? Tell him to look you up when he's divorced.

[Free4evva]

Ok Tara first off this site from what I can gather isn't open to some bs sorta of bullying. school yard name calling. I mean seriously I feel like it's an episode for a mean girl show. So y don't you save your breath. I've noticed over the years indivuals who's speak the way u do; usually hv "real life" self esteem issues. Having said that I'd like say I appreciate any input opinion advice etc etc. Oh & save us time if ur planning responding in some negative way. It's just pathetic. Thanx

[TaraMaiden]

Trust me - I am not bullying you. I'm telling you like it is.

Text-speak really is discouraged.

Breaking up a post to make it legible is a requirement listed in the forum guidelines.

 

Let me ask you to do something for me here.

Pretend you've never posted before.

Pretend you are completely new here, and you chance upon this first post.

 

Really now, tell me:

Do you honestly think the actions of these two people are loving, considerate, selfless and sensible??

Don't you think that with a wife and two children, there is something true in what I say about his behaviour?

And bear in mind the previous poster agrees with me.

 

If you read my previous history of posting, you will see many things:

one of which is that I understand affairs happen, because when push comes to shove, the people having affairs do not have what it takes to remain committed to their spouses/partners.

Now, that may be for many reasons, and probably not all of them, the fault of the person having the affair.

BUT:

This guy is behaving in a cavalier, trashy and highly disrespectful way to his wife.

Something you are playing in to.

Something you are actively supporting him in, by simply responding to him and maintaining contact with him.

 

Put yourself in her shoes, for a moment.

She will have 2 children one under 3, the other under 12.

All on her own. To bring up single-handedly, with perhaps occasional input from him.

Does this sound like a good, wise and positive move?

Really, think about what effect this will have on her.

 

And now tell me where I have been a bully.

I told you exactly what I thought.

I could have called you a whole host of names and simply trashed you, but I do see there are feelings there.

But they are inappropriate and really extremely idiotic.

Now, you may get a whole host of different replies.

But I warn you now:

I don't believe anybody will support you in this.

I really don't think they will.

So to one degree or another, you are not going to get what you came looking for.

Which might be an endorsement of what you are doing.

because frankly - it's just completely wrong.

[jthorne]

Ok Tara first off this site from what I can gather isn't open to some bs sorta of bullying. school yard name calling. I mean seriously I feel like it's an episode for a mean girl show. So y don't you save your breath.

 

I've noticed over the years indivuals who's speak the way u do; usually hv "real life" self esteem issues. Having said that I'd like say I appreciate any input opinion advice etc etc. Oh & save us time if ur planning responding in some negative way. It's just pathetic. Thanx

Hmm. Sounds as if you came here expecting everyone to agree with you, and when you didn't hear what you wanted to hear, it's bullying. Hopefully not.

 

Tara is one of the most respected posters on this site. And I can guarantee you, she has no "real life" self esteem issues. Negativity toward her because you didn't like what she said isn't really helpful to anyone is it?

 

And PLEASE, kindly stop writing your posts in text-speak. This isn't Instant Messaging, this is a forum where people take their time to read posts and offer perspective and advice. If they are taking their time to read, please take the time to write properly. Plus, there are a lot of posters on this site whose first language is not English. They can't understand what the heck you're talking about.

Edited April 21, 2010 by jthorne

[Free4evva]

Now that is cronstructive. Coulda of saved both time if u would hv posted that instead of ur intial post. Oh btw I'm on my Ipjone that's y the text lingo. But as I stated and will stand by ur first post was childish callin us names . I posted this for opinons more so on the matter. So I'd hope u'd understand what I was trying to get across. I luv critisim aslong as it's in an adult form. So please no chilidish name calling or bashing.

 

Also this has been going on for well over a decade. Believe me I see all sides of it. Hers mine our kids. When our friend asked him does ur wife love u his response was I'm not sure. When asked if I loved him he answered yes with out a doubt. I don't believe he's really thinking this through now with the baby coming. Idk maybe it's his meds. After Iraq u can imagine the damage that's been done to him. everyday I try to step back alil more. But he's my bestfriend. We've gone through hell & back together. He's always been there when I need him . I'd love to say we can stay platonic friends but I doubt it. I wouldn't even know how to get to that place again.

[CarrieT]

I'll chime in on Tara's comment that Text Speak is HORRIBLE to read. I can't understand half of what is being written and don't know what "ap" is supposed to stand for.

 

If you can't communicate in complete sentences with proper punctuation, don't expect to have people take you seriously or want to communicate with you.

[jthorne]

I'll chime in on Tara's comment that Text Speak is HORRIBLE to read. I can't understand half of what is being written and don't know what "ap" is supposed to stand for.

 

If you can't communicate in complete sentences with proper punctuation, don't expect to have people take you seriously or want to communicate with you.

I agree. 90% of my posts are posted from an iphone. Text-speak on here is just lazy and inconsiderate, but hopefully the OP will take the time to write out her posts from now on. Expect the AP was one of the actualy accepted acronyms around here, lol. But it's hard to intrpret with all the other text stuff.

 

AP= Affair Partner

[TaraMaiden]

.....Also this has been going on for well over a decade. Believe me I see all sides of it. Hers mine our kids.

With the greatest of respect, I'm afraid I can't believe that. Not that I think you are lying, but you can never get inside the head and heart of another person, unless you live with them 24/7.

When our friend asked him does ur wife love u his response was I'm not sure

Is that because he's not sure, or because his wife has told him she's not sure?

If he's not sure, he really shouldn't be using her and creating children with her.

That's just irresponsible at best, and abusive at worst....

If she's not sure, then he shouldn't be taking advantage of her when her mind is in doubt, and creating children with her.

You see what an idiot he's being??

 

When asked if I loved him he answered yes with out a doubt.

Really? he's that certain?

Are you in love with him? Without a doubt?

Would you drop your life and take the bullet for him, walk to the ends of the earth and bear his children (The last being a possibility, I guess.....)?

Do you love him enough to put his wants, needs and desires first and above yours - and his wife's??

 

I don't believe he's really thinking this through now with the baby coming. Idk maybe it's his meds

Jeesh!! he's on Meds - ?!!?

Then he really is not in his right mind, is he??

What meds are they, tranquillisers? Anti-depressants?

This is not a good thing. He really is NOT thinking clearly, is he??

 

After Iraq u can imagine the damage that's been done to him.

No, I can't. I haven't been there, done that, or any such stuff. I can't even begin to imagine what being in a war-zone must be like, or what it must do to these young men...

 

everyday I try to step back alil more. But he's my bestfriend. We've gone through hell & back together. He's always been there when I need him

You need to try harder.

you need to tell him that while he is a father, and married to this woman, that's where he belongs. He has to focus and commit to his responsibilities.

I'd love to say we can stay platonic friends but I doubt it. I wouldn't even know how to get to that place again.

It's very simple.

you just resolve to never have sex with him, ever again, until such a time as he is divorced, free and responsible in his behaviour towards his wife and children.

You don't have romantic discussions with him, and any discussion about your future with him is completely OFF the agenda until his divorce is finalised.

[CarrieT]

I agree. 90% of my posts are posted from an iphone.

 

Mine are as well -- and you and I can still spell out words and use punctuation!

[skywriter]

Free4evva,

 

Hi and welcome.

 

 

In response to your questions?

But am I crazy now to think this will happen?? Should I feel bad if it continues?! Do I hv some kinda right too him ?? Am I crazy?!?!?!*

 

I would have to say, look at the track record from 98' to date.

 

Concerning feeling bad if it continues.... Well, we all have to decide for ourselves, as to what are own personal standards are, for ourselves and how we expect to be treated by others.

 

I wouldn't say that you have any kind of rights to him, no.

The same for him, concerning you.

 

As for the final question....I would say that all us "others", have asked ourselves this question more than we'd like to have, had to. We all live and learn. Some have to do it the hard way and in their own time, regardless of what people try to tell them.

 

Best wishes....

[PhillySpecial]

Nope... you're no different than any other OW.

[fooled once]

Ok so here I go... Since 98' I've been invovled w my ap. We were bout 17/18 I was seeing his friend. Well it ended but myself & my ap became close friends. A year later we were bestfriends then we had our first kiss months lter we started sleeping together. But we were both young n didn't want more( so I thought). Well I became prego by a man I was dating. My ap enlisted in the army. I gave birth 2001 shortly after he informed me he got a girl prego and was leaving for bootcamp. So the intense affair began. New years that yr he married this girl in order to b apart of his childs life & he stated" it was cheaper to keep her". Anyway so from 2001-2006 we were both cheating (I nvrr married) I dealt with him going throught 2 tours in Iraq . Yes I saaid I delt with his wife was always leaving him starting fights etc . I know this bcuz the friend I dated how we met married my bestfriend so in turn what my ap didn't tell me they did. So I tried to b a support system we always spoke on the phone online & spent time together when he got leave. We both were young & not ready for more than what it was through those years. Until early 2006 he was coming home from Iraq he was on my case about finally being more and starting a life together . I didn't take it seriously. Then he came home went out with my friends husband my ap's wife then threw herself at my friends husband in front of my ap. Anyway we got into a huge fight bcuz I said she was no better than a street walker etc etc & he defended her bcuz I know now he was humiliated. So from that point till this march we hadn't spoken. We got into contact again and it was casual he came from his home frm his state(he moved out of our state bout 9 hrs away) for Easter. So we met up and saw eachother at his parents home w some of his family and friends there. Very stupid move. Moment we saw eachother it all rushed back. As though 4 yrs hadn't gone by. He kissed me on sight and said he knows now he's screwed bcuz he loves me and has to leave his family. I finanlly talked sense into him and told he needed to finish school and decide then which is about another yr. So we speak n text everyday morning noon and night. Where she is idk bcuz it's an hourly thing. Now here's the kicker he just found out he's finally hving a second child a few days ago. He's very excited. I assumed this would change his plans but nope. He's dead set on coming back here to be with me within 2 yrs now. We r the beat of friends I mean we just know eachother better than ourselves. We hv a million and 1 great memories we really do makeour lives better. But am I crazy now to think this will happen?? Should I feel bad if it continues?! Do I hv some kinda right too him ?? Am I crazy?!?!?!*

 

It was very hard to read/understand this post.

 

Please use paragraphs to break things up

 

He is actively having sex with his wife. Yet you think there is a future with him?

 

I highly doubt it.

 

And Tara is far from a bully. I believe you didn't like what she had to say so you became defensive. That's natural. When you think what you are doing is fine, and someone else points out to you that (a) your situation is really no different than many mistresses situation and (b) you wanted someone to tell you he just loves you to pieces and sure, he will leave his wife and children for you in 2 year and that didn't happen - you become defensive and lashed out to her.

 

Do I think he will leave his wife? No

 

The only person who knows the answer to that is him. Heck, he may not even know. What we do know is he doesn't know how to be faithful, he is lying to his wife, he is sleeping with his wife and he has you wrapped around his finger, believing whatever he tells you.

 

My father fought in Vietnam. He came back changed - but not needing meds or depressed. He lost many friends due to the war. Only those that actually participate in the fighting can understand it. Others can empathize and sympathize, but not really 'get it' unless they participate.

 

And please, please, please, stop using text-speak. It is incredibly hard to understand and follow what you are saying.

[LucreziaBorgia]

So it was 'cheaper to keep her' the first time with one kid but not with two? My guess since he is still having sex and having children with her, that he will stay. I'm not seeing much real evidence or reason for him to leave. When you weigh what he's got against 'love' he stands to lose a lot more if he goes for 'love' and I doubt he'll be any more inclined to leave her now that he has produced a second child with her than he was the first time when he not only didn't leave her, but married her.

 

He basically doubled his financial burden by not only having a child to pay support for, but he was also adding on the burden of alimony as well by marrying her. That 'cheaper to keep her' was bullsh*t basically regardless of what he is telling you. He could have walked away with only a child support payment to make. Now he has a marriage and a second child. I'm not sure why you believe him when he says he is leaving.

 

It is really easy to promise someone something within a vague time period, but quite another to follow through with it.

 

Honestly, if you allow him to stay married while having an affair with you, then why would he divorce? He doesn't have to.

[bentnotbroken]

You guys are good. My eyes wouldn't let me torture them in trying to read the post. I would wager you are no different if you are cheating.