wba2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Hi all New to this site, it seems to be the place to get answers and solace I am a man in his early 30's and Im not sure whats going on with myself so Im asking this kind forum for some insight. I seem to have relationships where I seem to be the one getting hurt all the time. I have had about 5 serious relationships in my life and in all of them I have been the hurt party. The reasons are varied from 'you wear your heart on your sleeve;' to 'you are so aloof' there seems to be no middle ground or a pattern for why my relationships end. The ending isnt the problem though, the problem is that I get crushed after a relationship is ended by the other party. A good example would be recently; I was dating a girl for two years and she ended it, I was devastated. I tried to move on the best I could, and I met somebody new. Initially I was not attracted at all to this new person, but something seemed to be there. It was passionate and loving, and she told me she was falling in love with me, but 6 weeks ago she ended it after 4 months. I still cared a lot about the girl I dated for 2 years prior to this new girl, I thought I'd never get over her, then this new girl came along, and now I cant stop thinking about her. This is a pattern in me, and I dont know why I do this. I just seem to obsess and get hurt over relationships to an unhealthy extreme. I tell myself its not right, but I just cant seem to shake this feeling. Ive tried to identify this emotion, but to no avail. Is it abandonment issues, is it low self esteem, I dont know, hence me posting this question? I would really like to identify this phenomenon, and perhaps you kind people can have an inkling into the reason I seem to go off the rails?? In my work and social life I'm a strong individual, its just intimate relationships that seem to be my Achilles heel?? Thanks for hearing me out guys, and any notions of whats going on in me would be greatly appreciated (as are comedy answers lol) All the best Paul
ADF Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Feeling hurt--even crushed--after someone dumps you is perfectly normal. It just proves you're human. I don't see any evidence that you are guilty of anything. It sounds like you have simply had some very bad luck. And be aware, the women who ended these relationships may not have been totally honest with you about why they were doing it. Most people, male and female, will do almost anything to make a difficult situation as easy as possible on themselves. They'll lie, rationalize, withhold information--anything to spare themselves from having an honest but painful conversation. The hardest thing to get out of people in this world is honesty. You may never know exactly what they were thinking.
GrayClouds Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Sorry about you hurt. I suspect part of it is just life. Though having a overly difficult getting over loss can be an issue. I would suggest that even if abandonment is not the problem this book can do a great deal to help with loss: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson While you do not give a great deal of information a couple with things stand out that my offer some insight; I was not attracted at all to this new person, but something seemed to be there. I still cared a lot about the girl I dated for 2 years prior to this new girl, I thought I'd never get over her, then this new girl came along, and now I cant stop thinking about her. It sounds like you may be trying to replace the loss of one with the another. It is interesting you would date someone you were not attracted to rather then being on your own. You also say the way you got over one girl was to find another which could suggest your not allowing yourself to full heal before getting into another realtionship. You may be communicating your desire not be be alone more then your desire of real deep intimate love for these ladies and in time they pick up on that lack of intimacy. It could be a way of holding yourself back from being hurt, by holding yourself back in the relationship, but as you just written it is not working. The question is why are you holding yourself back and what will it take to allow yourself to take that risk. I suspect it comes form a earlier loss in your life. Then again, that is just from the little you wrote, I could be completely in left field.
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