EthanH Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 This is a pretty deep conversation I'm looking to start. Does it matter, or is it even possible to judge who loves more in a relationship? Obviously there are exceptions...such as if one person loves the other and the other just isn't interested/had no feelings. But this question has popped up in every relationship I have been in, and I have never understood it. I just think it is pointless. When I'm in love with someone, I don't give much thought to how much I care, sometimes if I have a really good week/month with them, it feels great, other times, say we have an argument, it's not so...but there is always this underlying feeling that I'm contented by how I feel. The emotions of people change all the time, and are impacted by anything... AND from everything I have experienced, you cannot even explain what it means to be in love, so how can you compare that with the feelings of someone else??!!!! So yeah, the question is, what is the point about worrying if someone loves you as much as you love them? And why is it such a big thing in so many relationships?
Sweetie1977 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Kind hard to quantify unless as you said if someone is in love and the other person is abusive or indifferent. Shouldnt matter as long as theyres mutal love,sure we all want to be loved equally as much as we love someone but its impossible to measure Some people actually get off on having the power by making sure they care less then the other person somehow which is crazy to me
Author EthanH Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 this must be an issue for other people? what do you all think about the 'i love you more/you love me more' situation...?
neowulf Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I heard a quote (Might have been Carhill on here?) along the lines of.. "The person who cares the least controls the relationship". That's why its a dangerous road to walk down if the levels of "love" between a couple are too out of balance. I met a couple once who had the most amazing dynamic together. The guy was completely smitten with this girl.. like jump of a bridge for her kind of smitten. Yet, inspite of the power she obviously had over him, she was never demanding and very compassionate with him. They were one of the most balanced couples I'd ever met. On the other hand, I've had relationships where I was very into the other person and I constantly felt they could "take it or leave it". I think that's why people get concerned about it. Because the more times you've been hurt, the more you want to try and make good decisions before you fall "in love" and lose all perspective.
espec10001 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Falling in love is dangerous. It makes you lose all your sense. It's like a potent spell that when it hits, turns the world upside down and suddenly everything seems alive and real. But when it's over, the after effects and hangover of losing something that seemed so real, and yet, you feel as if it was all an illusion.
123BeachFan Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I heard a quote (Might have been Carhill on here?) along the lines of.. "The person who cares the least controls the relationship". I hear this line from one of my best friends, all the time. For her, she always wants to be the one to care the least. It's not a healthy mindset, but she's had her heart trampled on a couple of times in the past when she cared the most, and she doesn't want to go down that road again.
and.then.some Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I see being in love as infatuation, passion and such. I see love as something very different. The issue with love itself is a basic level of concern. How much does this person care about you and your problems or happiness? The problem could become selfishness. One person always giving and one person always taking. When you have a lot to give, you may not even notice an imbalance. You're happy to give and thankful for what you've got. However, when things go down, and that person isn't nearly as supportive or nearly as concerned for you as you would be for them, there could be a problem. Could you be in a relationship with someone who doesn't care for you as much as you do for them? Sure. But it would make me wonder if it is making one party more prone to abuses. The one having more control, the one making more demands, etc. Why not care for the other person just as much? Why not care simply because you appreciate the love they have for you? That's what I see. When it comes to being in love, I think the concern is that the other party's attention might be easily lost. I think it bruises the ego. There are some mushy happy zany feelings that can come along with being in love, and one might feel quite stupid to have those feelings alone. She wants to talk on the phone with you all the time, and you don't think it's necessary. Now she's feeling rejected because you don't share her enthusiasm. Or, he's ready for you to meet his entire family, and you don't want to rush things.
Ilovecake Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 "The person who cares the least controls the relationship". This is very true. The more in love you are with a person the more you're controlled by your emotions which automatically weaken you. The person who can keep it in perspective is the person who is using their brain more than their heart. You should definitely have a balance or it won't work.
TaraMaiden Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Brief lesson: The Greeks divided the concept of Love into three equal-sided, equally-contributed qualities. They had words to describe this three-sided perfect, all-encompassing Love. Eros, Philos and Agape. Eros is the erotic, sexual, physical manifestation of Love, where you give your body to another in complete peace and willingness, with a view to worshipping them, and in turn being worshipped yourself, with the same Eros. (Anything less than wonderful love of this kind, where there is uneasiness, resentment, jealousy, a feeling of being used and manipulated, is not Eros. ) Philos is a mental love, an admiration of the Mind. A stimulating, nourishing and educational Love. Something which remains long after the Eros has gone, it's a mutual respect and marvelling at how in tune you are with the other. Agape is the Unconditional love. The love that means you'd take a bullet for them, go to the ends of the earth for them, and always Put Them First. For a relationship, containing Eros, Philos and Agape to flourish, there must be three absolutely vital Qualities evident, in equal measure: Respect (both for the other, and for the Self) Communication Trust. For these qualities to function well, you must have Commitment and Effort, in equal doses from both sides. If the relationship is manifesting a greater degree of these collective qualities from one side than the other - you got problems.
threebyfate Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Falling in love is dangerous. It makes you lose all your sense. It's like a potent spell that when it hits, turns the world upside down and suddenly everything seems alive and real. But when it's over, the after effects and hangover of losing something that seemed so real, and yet, you feel as if it was all an illusion.This isn't love, it's infatuation. Love can be the end-product of infatuation. The end-product of emotionally unbalanced relationships is usually cessation unless people don't feel they deserve to be loved and treated with equal respect.
Kaniut Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I hear this line from one of my best friends, all the time. For her, she always wants to be the one to care the least. It's not a healthy mindset, but she's had her heart trampled on a couple of times in the past when she cared the most, and she doesn't want to go down that road again. It's to bad your friend has chosen to adopt this mindset just because of a few rotten apples. After all wasn't it the Beatles who said: For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder? Like them or hate them I think we could all benefit from loving more even if people don't always know how to love themselves (let alone someone else). Personally I see it as a way of taking control of your emotions again because you don't trouble yourself with having to feel bothered by someone who doesn't feel the same way. Besides there will always be someone who, God forbid, wants you to actually show your emotions. Anyways, you can take that for what it's worth.
carhill Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I heard a quote (Might have been Carhill on here?) along the lines of.. "The person who cares the least controls the relationship". I used to have a line in my signature which said "The person who cares the least has the most power and control". Some thought it was my personal philosophy regarding relationships or a goal I was striving for (to care less and have more power/control) so I removed it, as it does not reflect how I behave in relationships or in life in general. I think, if each partner is getting their needs met and the 'love' exchange happens in a compatible and mutually satisfying way, quantity is irrelevant. It's the perception of the love exchange which is important. This is fluid and ever-changing, which is why, amongst other dynamics, IMO no relationship is static and why clear communication is paramount to continued relationship health.
espec10001 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 This isn't love, it's infatuation. Love can be the end-product of infatuation. The end-product of emotionally unbalanced relationships is usually cessation unless people don't feel they deserve to be loved and treated with equal respect. But it never lasts though. We seek something permanent, something real in a relationship but they are much like the wind; it comes and it goes. From where or to where we do not know! I think the pain comes from trying to hold on to something forever when it can't be forever. It's like a slow song, eternity spent wrapped in someone else, nothing else in the world matters. But the song must end, and when it does, both part ways. This is why I love music more than anything; in music it feels like you are receiving an entirely different female entity, being wrapped in it. There's been times on stage where I had other-wordly experiences difficult to explain. Yeah! Music is the religion for The Broken People! Music is the religion of The Broken People!
Ruby Slippers Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 This thread brings up some great points about the fact that love shifts and changes and grows. I used to feel bad about my past relationships that didn't work out. I felt like I'd given so much love and ended up with nothing. But lately I am realizing that all the love I have given has come back to me -- and then some. It comes back in different forms, from different people, sometimes from the most unexpected sources. Love is energy. If I choose to love a man or a friend, I am choosing to invest my own life energy to improve things for that person. And I do believe that when you put good (or bad) energy out there, it comes back to you. So I say love as much as you can. Take care of yourself while you do, but never fear loving. It's the only hope for a world in great need of healing.
Lizzie60 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 This is a pretty deep conversation I'm looking to start. Does it matter, or is it even possible to judge who loves more in a relationship? Obviously there are exceptions...such as if one person loves the other and the other just isn't interested/had no feelings. But this question has popped up in every relationship I have been in, and I have never understood it. I just think it is pointless. When I'm in love with someone, I don't give much thought to how much I care, sometimes if I have a really good week/month with them, it feels great, other times, say we have an argument, it's not so...but there is always this underlying feeling that I'm contented by how I feel. The emotions of people change all the time, and are impacted by anything... AND from everything I have experienced, you cannot even explain what it means to be in love, so how can you compare that with the feelings of someone else??!!!! So yeah, the question is, what is the point about worrying if someone loves you as much as you love them? And why is it such a big thing in so many relationships? I don't think people really think about this... I never asked myself.. 'do I love him more.. does he love me more'... There is ALWAYS one partner that loves more.. that's only natural.. it can't be 50/50... on the spot.. all the time... It never crossed my mind to ask myself this question... I'm comfortable with someone.. and when I'm not anymore.. time to move on..
LittleMissWonder Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 It is almost impossible to measure this. There is a difference between neediness and love. This question is not important. Love is not a competition. Leave statistics and percentages to the field of science.
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