jnd2009 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I met my MM at work years ago, ended up being friends of course. He quit last summer, we kept in contact after that. Messed around obviously. I've been with my bf for over 5 years. MM was only no strings attached, fun sex "on the side". ....that was some background information. Last time we actually did anything was around St. Patty's day. For a few months I've been wanting to be only friend with him. Well since around St. Patty's day it's been working. I've seen him a few times, and although we joke when we text and even see each other about sexual things, I haven't been wanting to do anything (which, btw, he mainly wants bj's, we only had sex a few times). Yes, I have brought it up to him, but I guess you could say I haven't officially said 'ok, no more'. I almost don't want to say that in fear of losing him as a friend- but of course if that would happen obviously he was a waste of time, friend with benefits or not. What I'm asking is- is it possible to move on with MM and go back to being friends after you've been friends with benefits? (While he has a W, I have a BF too)
RainDown Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Sure, it's possible to be friends with an ex. There are several men I dated at one time with whom I'm on friendly terms now. We don't talk about sex however; nor do I give them blowjobs. There is also no need to hide them, or our history, from a current partner. You didn't mention in your post whether or not your boyfriend knows about this friend and your history with him (I suspect your boyfriend does not know about the sex), so really, even if you try to frame your relationship with MM as "friends" the reality is he's not a friend - he's the man with whom you're cheating on your boyfriend. Don't kid yourself that you can be "friends" with this man right now. Maybe you can consider that in a few years when the affair is done and over for BOTH of you for a long while, but don't kid yourself. Right now you can stop the sex, but it doesn't make you "friends" - you've simply exchanged the PA for an EA, which is an extremely slippery slope. If you really want the affair to be over, cut him off completely.
Just a stone's throw Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 What I'm asking is- is it possible to move on with MM and go back to being friends after you've been friends with benefits? (While he has a W, I have a BF too) no.........
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I almost don't want to say that in fear of losing him as a friend If you speak your mind and lose him, you won't be losing a friend. You'll be getting rid of a man who only wants you for sex.
jthorne Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 What does "even see each other about sexual things" mean? If neither of you had romantic feelings toward each other, you'd have a better chance of being friends. But you have to stop the sex talk now! No texting about sex, no offhand jokes. And yes, be upfront with him. But first ask yourself- would you be jealous if you saw him lovey dovey with his W? Would he if he saw you with your BF? If the answer is yes to either of these, the chances of being "just friends" is pretty small.
Heather1 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 After going several rounds w/ friendship, I'm down for the count w/ it. Nope, not possible. A friend wouldn't have crossed the line, a lover would (paraphrased by JamesM a few years ago to me). You're setting yourself up.
confusedinkansas Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 The only way I see it being possible at all is if both parties are in total 100% agreement that it's ONLY casual, every now & then, FWB relationship. (& I use that word loosely)/In other words - JUST SEX. IF feelings start coming into play, IF you start sharing too many intimate details about your lives, IF the L word comes into play then NOPE. Being friends after the fact is 100% Impossible. (I tried it) In your situation, sounds like you two were just F buddies! No harm, No foul! Keep it on that level & YES, It is possible....& could be fun.
whichwayisup Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 What's the point? It's a selfish, self serving friendship which totally excludes your boyfriend and his wife. You two stop having sex, fooling around etc, it STILL is a friendship which has potiential to do damage to his marriage and your relationship since you both have cheated together.
jthorne Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 (edited) What's the point? It's a selfish, self serving friendship which totally excludes your boyfriend and his wife. You two stop having sex, fooling around etc, it STILL is a friendship which has potiential to do damage to his marriage and your relationship since you both have cheated together.This is an excellent point. If you cannot be completely transparent, it's not a friendship. If you can't be friends out in the open, it's not a friendship. I personally could never introduce my SO to my xMM. It'd just be disrespectful to him, even though I never cheated on my SO with the xMM (my A was over before I started seeing SO.). So, since we can't be out in the open- I don't feel it appropriate to be introduced to his W, and I'd never introduce my SO- it wouldn't be a real friendship. I realize that people have friends that their SO's haven't met. But there is a difference between not meeting them, and keeping them a secret. Plus, real friends have each other's backs- you think he's got yours? Edited April 21, 2010 by jthorne
Author jnd2009 Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Raindown: My bf does know that I'm friends with him, but knows nothing of the benefits part since it all happened while I was with my bf (which I still am with my bf). You do have a good point where it is kinda soon. I don't see it being an EA, I have never wanted to be with him (aka replace his W, however you want to say it). I have always wanted to stay with my bf, and he with his W. Lucrez: You are right. I almost want to say I'd feel used, but after all that's what we were both there for. jthorne: What I meant was when we text or even when we're together in person, the sexual jokes and references still come up. I agree with having to stop talking about it, but ever since we started hanging out years ago we have always joked about it, of course a long time ago it was really a joke and nothing came of it. No, I wouldn't be jealous, she should come first to him as my bf should come before MM. He actually wanted to hang out like 2 weeks ago, but I was already with my bf and I told him that (that bf comes before him), which he was fine with. to your 2nd post- i'm not keeping him a secret. My bf knows I hang out with him. They have never hung out together though (bf and MM) Confused: That is how it was from the start, we talked a lot about it before anything actually happened. The L word won't happen. I have never wanted to be more than casual F buddies with him. I like your last line you wrote, thanks! whichway: how could it damage if it's in the past? possibility of it again down the road? To everyone else- thanks for your input. I honestly think it can happen- that we can be friends. I'm just trying to stay on track (aka keep it no sexual contact).
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