dodgerangel Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I have been "seeing" a guy for about two months now. We attend the same college. Our relationship has consisted of spending nights together (but no ACTUAL sex. I've told him I can't have sex until I am in an official relationship) Hanging out at rehearsals for a production we were both involved in, and a few dinners. He has held my hand in public, as well as kissed me goodbye. One night we were discussing my stance on sex, and I told him I couldn't because I didn't know what was in his head. He replied that he was "falling for me" (he's also never pushed me to go farther than I am comfortable. I have never felt pressure to change my decision) I've been satisfied with just enjoying out time together, but am beginning to feel as though we're reaching the point where we should take things to the next level. Last weekend, in true college fashion, we were talking via instant messenger, in the middle of the night, and he was intoxicated from his night out. Somehow we got on the topic of what we were doing... and I said That he was more than just a hook up to me, and I really wanted to make us something. He replied that he "definitely likes me so much" and that we "click really well" but also that he "refuses to rush anything he wants to mean anything" and that "we need to slow down". I asked him to be more specific in what he meant about slowing down, but he didn't really give me a straight answer, and it was very late, and he was really drunk, so he fell asleep. I decided to back off the next day and let him come to me if he wanted to keep talking about things so that i showed him i was respecting his wishes of slowing down. That afternoon we exchanged a few texts on an entirely non-related topic. Sunday we weren't able to talk (but going a day without talking isn't terribly uncommon for us) and then Monday night, we began IMing again, then he came over and spent the night with me as if nothing was different at all. When he spends the night, yes, we do hook up, but of the 12 hours spent together, that is maybe one of them. The other 11 are just us cuddling and talking and sleeping with one another. As he kissed me goodbye in the morning.. I joked with him and made a comment about having to get back to "hanging out in daylight hours and in public" and he joked back saying "my bad" and said that he thought that was doable, because now that our show has ended, we're less busy. My issue... is how do I approach this talk again? I would be ok with just riding things out, but in 3-4 weeks, we will leave school on summer break for three months. Our hometowns are only an hour from one another, though, so seeing each other won't be impossible, just much more of a hassle... and I really need to get some closure on things before that happens. I really do want to make him my official boyfriend, I feel that we are ready and have the right connection for a relationship... but is that a smart move to start one now, before leaving each other? What is the best way to deal with this break? How should I bring the topic back up without ruining things or putting pressure on him? As much as I say I want to be his girlfriend, I am totally okay with taking things slow and giving it more time if that's what we need... I am just nervous about summer break! All advice is helpful! Thanks!
Green Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Well you've put the ball in his court. I think he should step up and make things official if he really likes you. He might be enjoying the ambiguity of it all though. He also might be afraid of getting hurt.
Author dodgerangel Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 ( I just want to also add in that he has introduced me to his mom/sisters, I was the only one he did, and he sort of went out of his way to do so) But yes, I agree that backing off should be a large part of what I do.. I just am afraid to leave things unresolved for 3 months of long distance. Also.. there is a concert this weekend I'd like to go to with him... should I ask, or is that not backing off?
EthanH Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Summer breaks at college! ahhh! I'm a student also, and so I can kinda understand where you are coming from. However, I don't know if it is a great idea that you are trying to plan things out too much. You both know you like each other, so why think too much about it, I think you should just go with the flow. Sometimes people think through situations too much and it stunts the flow of a relationship. You are in a pretty good position in my opinion... you have only an hour between you... so it allows you to have space but also if you want to see each other, you can. However...I think, and this is from personal experience, you need to remember how things are going to change drastically when you go home for the summer... you say you don't usually go a day without speaking, and from the sounds of it, most nights you sleep in the same bed... don't underestimate what an impact it is going to have on you both when that stops for the summer. I think you will both notice it. I say this because the last girl I was dating, we had an almost exactly the same situation as you. We used to just hang out, and we started as friends, and it usually happened that we watched tv online... I remember the funny situation whereby I usually had to struggle to fight through the fact I was half asleep, just to put start another episode, just so we could pretend that she was round there to watch tv with me... when in fact we were both going to sleep. I remember one time my laptop crashed and she woke up and the excuse for her to stay round at mine was not there... it was so stupidly laughably awkward. A word of warning though, take it slow, and that is why I mentioned that you will find it hard in the summer. At college, when you are in the same halls of residence (I'm guessing that is the case)... when you think about it, it is a very weird situation, you are essentially living with this guy... and so you have quite an intense relationship without really realising it. Just be aware that you are going to find the summer weird, and difficult. I was with my ex for a year, and even after we broke up, she would still say she wished we could go back to the days when we were in halls (we both live in flats now) where it was fun and we could just 'frolic'...
Green Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 ( I just want to also add in that he has introduced me to his mom/sisters, I was the only one he did, and he sort of went out of his way to do so) But yes, I agree that backing off should be a large part of what I do.. I just am afraid to leave things unresolved for 3 months of long distance. Also.. there is a concert this weekend I'd like to go to with him... should I ask, or is that not backing off? He is proud of you if you met his mother. He probably wants to invite you to do something over the summer or label you as his gf but is feeling the same fear you are. As the guy I think its his job to get things going in the begining. But if you want to take the lead feel free, it takes guts.
Author dodgerangel Posted May 8, 2010 Author Posted May 8, 2010 Alright, so my head is GOING INSANE. It's been another 3 weeks or so, and we're still doing the ambiguous thing. I don't mind that I guess... because when we ARE together, he makes me feel so sure he likes me... It's just getting to get him to spend time with me that is so difficult! He doesn't really initiate conversations or make plans often at all, and it makes things kind of difficult. I keep reading everywhere that if a guy is serious about you, he will make time and want to see you.... But, when we do run into each other randomly, I'm never allowed to get away without hugging him, and he even came up to me Wednesday while I was sitting with an entire table of friends, just to put his arms around me and ask how I was doing... That was the last time I saw him, and I haven't made an attempt to contact him since... it's my hope that if I go long enough, he will want to see me and contact me (especially with 1 week until the summer) Before that, I asked him for plans Monday, but he turned me down because he had other plans, and the Saturday before that we spent some time together. Do I keep doing what I'm doing? We leave for the summer in a week... I'd really love to be able to see him one last time... but part of me thinks I should 'play a little hard to get' so that he leaves really wanting/missing me? If he initiates something, should I take him up on it? Should *I* initiate something again, and risk being turned down again? College dating is the WORST. Again, any of your insight is totally helpful... I'm starting to feel pretty dejected, but there is so much undeniable potential here that I am afraid to let it go.
make me believe Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 It's just getting to get him to spend time with me that is so difficult! He doesn't really initiate conversations or make plans often at all Bad sign!! You are right that if he's interested in you he'll make time for you and will initiate conversations/plans! But, when we do run into each other randomly, I'm never allowed to get away without hugging him, and he even came up to me Wednesday while I was sitting with an entire table of friends, just to put his arms around me and ask how I was doing... Meh. Who cares that he hugs you when you randomly run into you? I mean, what else is he going to do, completely ignore you? You need to look at his actions as a whole, and they are not good. it's my hope that if I go long enough, he will want to see me and contact me Eeeeek. Read this over a few times and tell me if you see how desperate you're coming across? Why are you willing to settle for someone who you have to basically trick into hanging out with you?! You need to get over this guy. I doubt he is anything special, and the potential isn't there because he isn't interested in you. Sorry
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