Author mikeymad Posted May 9, 2010 Author Posted May 9, 2010 I guess after going through this you have to decide whether something like being giving, being loving and trusting, fighting for something are good personality traits, or character flaws. It's almost impossible for her words, that have been said time after time over the past months, to get into my brain while my armor was down. I know her mind is in the D process still, and I wrote a pretty cold and nasty letter back. There are things that I want to call her out on, to knock her down which might make me feel better because I didn't let her get away scot free thinking she was the high and mighty one and I crawled away. I also know that would be vindictive and would serve no other purpose than hurting her, and most likely destroying anything good that was left, albeit however small. I know she is acting in an immature manner, which looking back, her expectations of the marriage were unreachable. We got out of the "honeymoon" phase while we were dating, and she wanted to be "swept off her feet" every single day. When she wasn't happy, she looked for "spark and passion" with another, and when she couldn't find it there, she decided to bail on everything altogether, only I think I was fighting for it, and she was just waiting for the opportunity to get out. Sad really. Some have told me that her next relationship will end up the same way.
tojaz Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 There comes a point that you have to draw a line in the sand mikey. It seems cold and really shouldn't be part of a healthy relationship but it happens. Both in love and between friends and family. Being good, trusting, loving ARE good personality traits and not something you want to lose. There does come a point when you have to be selective of who you give that to though. Something I learn more and more every day. If you give out of love but never receive, you wind up spent and bankrupt. She wanted to be swept off her feet everyday... To be honest, who doesn't, but wheres the other half? Wheres what you wanted? I came to see that in my own D. I took a lot of pride in doing my best to support her dreams, her career, her hobbies. The things she took pride in, yet the things that I took pride in? Wanting a nice home was material, the things I wanted became frivilous. In the end there comes a point where you look back at all the ways you try to love a person and are heart broken to have to ask, beg for any kind of reciprocation. It took me a long time to see this, but earlier this week I had it all laid out before me in a simple sweet gesture. A friend of mine that had actually met here on LS had sent me a small gift. Nothing fancy or expensive, just a token kind of thing. It must have gotten lost in the mail because she wrote me and asked about it and was actually a little upset that I hadn't gotten it. I sat there stunned though, that she would even take the time or even have the thought to do something like that yet to her it was no big deal. Really showed me a lot with that simple gesture. Her next relationship will probably go the same way Mikey. Hang on to your values and your moral high ground. You did it right, dont lose that part of yourself man. Remember Gunnys favorite saying.... What one will abuse another can use. TOJAZ
You Go Girl Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 I think it's a ball is in your court type of thing. Whenever two people interact--basic psychology states that it's like tossing a ball back and forth. So Mikey--you went the distance. You played the H that tried to save the marriage. You left her on a good note, yes? Ball is in her court. Meanwhile, the game of life goes on...and you can't stop playing, just who the partner is in the ball game. To sit on the sidelines of life is no way to live. You give yourself time to grieve--and one day, you simply look outside the window and see people playing, laughing, hugging... and say, I want to live too.
FeelingLonely98 Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 mikey - Why is the age thing such an important issue? You mentioned gals a few years older (30 or so) think 20-something guys are too young. After my XW I went on some dates; the question of age never came up. Now, I have a steady GF, but we didn't ask how old each of us were until several dates in. By then, we had developed feelings for each other and I suppose our ages were insignificant. I bet some of the age-rejections may have been very compatible with you but you'll never know. Why don't you say somehting like "let's talk about our ages on the 3rd date" (or some aribitrary #) - assuming there is a follow-up date. Feels more satisfying to part ways because you didn't click than because of your ages. Point is some older folks act immature and some younger folks act more mature. IMO, age should be one of the last things to consider. At least if you are in the same ball park with the ages. (Funny I'm writing THIS! Especially after my XW left me for an 18 YO who could have been her grandson! )
trippi1432 Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Butting in like YGG (hugs girl), but age can be a stigma to certain people. I've know men who were more mature at 31 than at 40...unfortunately...you are correct...the younger they are, the more the younger crowd attaches a stigma to age. The only relationship I had between marriages was to a man that was 16 years older than me...I was in my early 20's and he was embarrassed to tell me his age. Not a whole lot of things bad that I can say about him...semi-pro Arizona football player, we had so many laughs and good times....did things together that we enjoyed. Made him nervous because I would go to the beach with his ex-wife and invite her back for dinner. She was a good person, they just had their problems. Hilarious, the three of us in a kitchen together...lol!! He was a good man, we just didn't agree on our kids, his son and my daughter.....We finally agreed to disagree and he went off and had an affair with his best friend's GF....took on her and 5 kids....next thing...heart attack. I actually wound up seeing him a few years after we split up...awkward because I had my future husband with me when I saw him. He called me and we talked for an hour while my BFF Billy kept my new boyfriend entertained. Hindsight being 20/20....I screwed the next 15 years of my life up that day. I chose the man in the living room that would mess me up emotionally for the next 15 years over the good man that loved me....the real me....the man who let me be me and loved me for it and I loved him for just being himself. No conditions, no sacrifices, no judgements, no games.....times were easy then.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Mikey, go find yourself a nice single mom who got a raw deal. Odds are she will never pull crap with you or hurt you b/c she's already been through it all and with kids
trippi1432 Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Mikey, go find yourself a nice single mom who got a raw deal. Odds are she will never pull crap with you or hurt you b/c she's already been through it all and with kids LOL!! Yes, Dreaming of Tigers, you are so right...just don't screw up Mikey....put her first....don't try to "win" her though her kids.....single moms know that game.
Author mikeymad Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 DoT....I've read your posts, and yes, you got a raw deal for sure, and my heart goes out to all the single parents out there. I can't imagine what it must be like going through something similar and having to worry about kids. That truly does forge you into a stronger person. Unfortunately, I think I'm so jaded about people, that kids would throw a whole additional dimension into the picture that I'm not ready to deal with. I love kids, but I just don't think it would be fair to them, as I don't think I'm capable of being a father/father figure at the moment. I'm developing my relationship with myself first, and then extending it to a person at a time. Guess a lot of the time I feel like I'm walking around with a big D (more like an L) on my forehead.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I wasn't really thinking that you should jump back into it next Thursday I sure wouldn't be on the prowl, but it might be something to consider in the future when you recover and become healthier. Thank you for your kind words and good luck.
stepka Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Mikey, go find yourself a nice single mom who got a raw deal. Odds are she will never pull crap with you or hurt you b/c she's already been through it all and with kids Actually MIkey, why not just take a while to heal. I don't get the feeling that you're ready to date at all. Just force yourself to go do stuff with friends, or not, but don't date. I know 27 doesn't feel young to you, but to us 50 somethings, you're barely out of your teen years.
Author mikeymad Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 Dearest LS The switch has flipped, I'm pretty sure for good. This low down, vindictive person the xW has become is in no way, shape or form a person I want to associate with in ANY way. Here's a little info on her latest shenanigans. So we finalized everything in court 4/20. Petition mailed to me on 4/23, so it's official. Went to make a purchase with my bank card on Friday, and got denied 2 times because "account # doesn't exist". Well my brain goes "oh **** what happened now". Call up the bank, and here's what happened. We have a "joint" checking account (mine but I put her as an authorized user on it) that I was planning on closing this upcoming week after some checks/ auto debit payments switched over. Xw went into the bank on Thursday (even after I was sent her a birthday card), and closed the account, taking ALL the money out for herself (except for leaving me with $1...how nice) then closed it. Since that day, I had a couple checks bounce, getting calls from people and overdraft fees. Can you believe this? I called the police, but since technically her name is on it, it's a civil matter and has to be dealt with through the lawyers and court. So I call my lawyer, but she's out of the COUNTRY until Wednesday. So I literally don't have a dime to my name. Awesome. I guess sometimes them being a super b-word, helps the detachment process go into warp speed. Unbelievable.
SummerLady Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 (edited) Dearest LS The switch has flipped, I'm pretty sure for good. This low down, vindictive person the xW has become is in no way, shape or form a person I want to associate with in ANY way. Here's a little info on her latest shenanigans. So we finalized everything in court 4/20. Petition mailed to me on 4/23, so it's official. Went to make a purchase with my bank card on Friday, and got denied 2 times because "account # doesn't exist". Well my brain goes "oh **** what happened now". Call up the bank, and here's what happened. We have a "joint" checking account (mine but I put her as an authorized user on it) that I was planning on closing this upcoming week after some checks/ auto debit payments switched over. Xw went into the bank on Thursday (even after I was sent her a birthday card), and closed the account, taking ALL the money out for herself (except for leaving me with $1...how nice) then closed it. Since that day, I had a couple checks bounce, getting calls from people and overdraft fees. Can you believe this? I called the police, but since technically her name is on it, it's a civil matter and has to be dealt with through the lawyers and court. So I call my lawyer, but she's out of the COUNTRY until Wednesday. So I literally don't have a dime to my name. Awesome. I guess sometimes them being a super b-word, helps the detachment process go into warp speed. Unbelievable. This happened to me. This is what I learned. I was being nice, giving him a break here and there. This form of generosity or kindness is percieved as a weakness to this type of person, not as being a decent human being. She sees this as weak and plays it to the hilt. So guess what, I am not nice anymore or really fair. I take and ask for what I want and I don't care what he needs or wants. Since being fair never worked.. Heed the warning. Run from her........Forget the birthday cards or anything. She is done.. Edited May 16, 2010 by SummerLady
Author mikeymad Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 This is what I term the "scorched earth" approach to leaving a relationship...making sure there is 0 good will and trying to hurt the other person as much as possible while burning every bridge possible. I got the money back, because her lawyer probably told her it was a stupid thing to do. I also received a note with it, that I shouldn't have even read, but apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Certain excerpts: A) she threatened me with legal action from her parents (WTF) B) A paragraph that contained the following phrases; "You mean nothing to me." "You have done nothing but prove your worthlessness." "This shows the kind of person you are". "Pat yourself on the back for being a stand up husband, but I, along with many other people know the truth. You are exactly what you were destined to be and that will never change." C) Certain sensitive subjects that I shared with her, which she acknowledged and accepted about me are now dredged up, turned around, and not only publicly announced, but used to further vilify me. I will now have to contact the people I love to tell them about my skeletons before she can get to them. This truly will change my relationships with many people...all because she wants to get back at me. I don't know why this hurts me so badly. I have tried to insulate myself against whatever tantrums she throws, but her words are poison to me. Poison I can feel leaking into my skin and corroding my heart. I was just starting to manage to get a life for myself. Moving, getting a new, better paying position, and actually getting out in the world....then this. I expect the rollercoaster to go down, but not like this.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 I hope my wife doesn't pull that crap!!..words of poison?...why would her words bother you so much?...My wife told me some things she never told me the first 17yrs we were married..but she only told me the truth..only the truth hurt me at first..now that we are separated she has called me a few untrue things like an effing sorry bastard..and she never cursed before..only because I don't let her control things anymore<<<1 of the things I've figured out during separation and working on myself..
tojaz Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Those words are always going to hurt. Thats why they do it! The reason it bothers you is more the person saying it then what is said. Just like Mikey said Scorched Earth! Its about finding support, and about proving to everyone and even herself that what shes doing is whats best for her. My ex did it to me. Called me every name in the book and accused me of everything short of the Kennedy assassination. Then when it was all final.... she was just sure we were going to be the best of friends! I asked her why she would want to be friends with a controlling, manipulative abuser. She told me flat out that I wasn't any of those things and it just took some time to see that. So I asked why the hell are we divorced then? She started to cry and hung up on me, last time I ever heard her voice. Be strong Mikey, shes playing it dirty. Fight the urge to hurl mud back at her. TOJAZ
trippi1432 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Hey Mikey, My ex and I hurled insults at each other for the first 3 months of the demise of our relationship...truthfully nothing new for the past 15 years of it...let it go. It's not the worth the time, trouble or energy to worry about. People like to use words over people to hurt them or keep them where they are...mine like to use my past (that I had no control over) to keep me where I was....fear.....What's in your past is exactly that....the past. Not who you are now...move past the insults as much as you can.
Gunny376 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 This is why I while never mingle accounts again. Her money is her money and mine is mine. But you can bet I won't ever have to worry about the rent/mortg, utiitlies being paid etc. Her car payment, department store cards are hers! Mine are mine! And I only need one just to keep a FICO score active! This is why I have a years worth of civilian income sitting in the bank ~ I can go a year without any income ~ nor military retirement ~ un-empoyment ~ zilch coming in and the utilties stay on, the morrgage gets paid, I've got it coverede for at least a year
floridapad Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Hello my friend, This too shall pass. You are right about one thing. Her actions speak volumes about her. Digging up the past to purposely cause pain is not a great thing for a person to do. When I read the letter it made ME furious so I can only imagine what you must have felt like. But....this to shall pass. It will all pass. NC is a must. No need to punish yourself should she decide to send you something else which would only be an additional attempt at hurting you. Let this go and don't even bother responding. It will only result in more garbage from her. When someone is purposely trying to hurt you, somehow, in a way, it makes it easier to move on.
Gunny376 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Hello my friend, This too shall pass. You are right about one thing. Her actions speak volumes about her. Digging up the past to purposely cause pain is not a great thing for a person to do. When I read the letter it made ME furious so I can only imagine what you must have felt like. But....this to shall pass. It will all pass. NC is a must. No need to punish yourself should she decide to send you something else which would only be an additional attempt at hurting you. Let this go and don't even bother responding. It will only result in more garbage from her. When someone is purposely trying to hurt you, somehow, in a way, it makes it easier to move on.[/QUOTE] I've probally one of the most stress free, low stress~no stress jobs/bosses/co-workers there's to have? Yet I'm on antidepressants and anxiety drugs and seeing a MD and a pyschologist? All because I'm still living in and dealing with the past thirty years? Do yourself a favor! Let it go! Just let it go! Its only been the last two months that I've done so? Quit dragging around dead horese and saddles! Such as I have for the past thrity years! Let dead dogs (and horses) lay and just walk away!
floridapad Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Don't ever marry an american woman again please. Look abroad don't get entangled with the american court system and litigation. Don't marry american woman. Yes I am american veteran. Yes Mike. Mail order brides are the only way to go . I'm thinking I just might bring one back from Costa Rica when I go next week. Of course you can always just double click one of the advertisements on the side of the LS screen and find a "Nice Asian" bride that will treat you like a "king".
Gunny376 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Yes Mike. Mail order brides are the only way to go . I'm thinking I just might bring one back from Costa Rica when I go next week. Of course you can always just double click one of the advertisements on the side of the LS screen and find a "Nice Asian" bride that will treat you like a "king". Yea IF you live in Asia ~ otherwise you end importing and supporting her entire family from her grandparents on down. I've seen and heard it a thousands times! "I love you no S***! Take me to land of Big PX! Buy me Mercedes Benz and air conditioned house!" That's if you get yourself and Asian one? Get yourself one from Eastern Europe? As soon as your married, and she's taken out a multi-million dollar insurance policy out on your @zz? Your going to twenty feet under the river while her and Boris are living the high life on your insurance policy.
carhill Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 LOL, threaten to ex-pat and the MRB's scatter OP, people do what they do. In your case, it's your ex-spouse. Enjoy the view. This is *who she is*. Accept it
Author mikeymad Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 I figured since many of the people on LS now weren't around during the majority of my story, I decided to dredge up one of my old threads. Which is interesting because lately all the past has been dredged up again. Met with xBIL (which was my college roommate), and he's confirmed that she is still playing victim, blaming me...family speaking not so nicely about the situation. He assured me the people who know me and know who I am know better than to listen to all that. So why am I hanging onto her? Maybe because I feel our marriage got off to a bad start, and we got on a slippery slope, and her self preservation kicked in and instead of bailing water out of the ship, she hopped into a life raft and took off with the only vest. It's hard she lives so close. For some reason I get this crazy idea that if I could just speak to her it might actually sink in. The problem is I sent a bday card to her a few months ago with no response. When my bday/our anniversary comes up in september, I'm dreading not getting any contact at all. I feel myself somewhat orchestrating what I will do around that time, which will probably culminate in myself trying to contact her and it going miserably. I had a very vivid dream the other night in which we ran into each other, and she invited me over for dinner. Afterwards she said she was sorry and gave me a hug. At that instant I woke up, not quite sure of what was real or not. I swear I could smell her hair and feel her arms around me. I broke down when reality set in. Is this normal to want to reconcile after all the hurt? I just feel so.....hollow and alone. Things and people and events have lost a certain luster. Life is that much more dull. Feelings of happiness are few and far between, and I feel like I've just been filling my time to keep my mind busy, because down time is the worst. I'm not sure I'll ever get over this.
HopelessinDTW Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I figured since many of the people on LS now weren't around during the majority of my story, I decided to dredge up one of my old threads. Which is interesting because lately all the past has been dredged up again. Met with xBIL (which was my college roommate), and he's confirmed that she is still playing victim, blaming me...family speaking not so nicely about the situation. He assured me the people who know me and know who I am know better than to listen to all that. So why am I hanging onto her? Maybe because I feel our marriage got off to a bad start, and we got on a slippery slope, and her self preservation kicked in and instead of bailing water out of the ship, she hopped into a life raft and took off with the only vest. It's hard she lives so close. For some reason I get this crazy idea that if I could just speak to her it might actually sink in. The problem is I sent a bday card to her a few months ago with no response. When my bday/our anniversary comes up in september, I'm dreading not getting any contact at all. I feel myself somewhat orchestrating what I will do around that time, which will probably culminate in myself trying to contact her and it going miserably. I had a very vivid dream the other night in which we ran into each other, and she invited me over for dinner. Afterwards she said she was sorry and gave me a hug. At that instant I woke up, not quite sure of what was real or not. I swear I could smell her hair and feel her arms around me. I broke down when reality set in. Is this normal to want to reconcile after all the hurt? I just feel so.....hollow and alone. Things and people and events have lost a certain luster. Life is that much more dull. Feelings of happiness are few and far between, and I feel like I've just been filling my time to keep my mind busy, because down time is the worst. I'm not sure I'll ever get over this. Wow...didn't read your whole story, but I can relate to the dreams. I had many vivid dreams of me and my stbx getting back together. This is your brain trying to resist change! When you're conscience, you can fight this feeling/urge. Bottom line is...if she isn't giving you any signs that things are going to get better...then they won't. If she wants to come back, it's completely up to her...not you. The feelings your having are the same one all of us are having...and YES it is horrible...it is the worst during down times. This is something you just have to deal with, and work through. There is a light at the end of this tunnel...it's just we don't know how long the tunnel is.
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