How can I talk to him?

[SouthernSunshine]

My SO is my best friend. He makes me laugh, and he's really good to me. I love him. I'm just having a hard time getting turned on by him. When we have sex.. it's just sex. I'm missing the excitement, and I need to find a way to bring that back into our relationship. But how am I supposed to do that when I'm the only one that feels our sex life is boring? He wants me all the time, and I turn him down with excuse, after excuse.. I feel bad! I feel bad for rejecting him! I don't want another man, but I'm not sexually satisfied in our relationship. I also don't know how to tell him my feelings without insulting him. I don't wanna make him feel bad, and I don't want to be cruel.

[FryFish]

The same way you just told us... Honestly, its going to hurt him, but that hurt is much less than the hurt he will feel if you dont take immediate and direct action in the present.

 

Right now you are only not sexually attracted to your H and feel you have lost the spark... let this fester and you will not only have lost the spark with your H but you will think you see it in another man.

[LonelyTiger]

If he's your best friend then presumably you guys have good communication and you can talk intimately?

 

Be open and honest with him. You're hurting him more by rejecting him without telling him what's going on. You don't have to say you're bored and that he doesn't turn you on any more. Just say you'd like to get a little more adventurous and do some new things together.

 

Remember also that intimacy creates attraction, the more emotionally close you are the more you are likely to be attracted to him, so do stuff that's makes you feel close to him.

 

And flirt with him! Feeling sexy and turned on starts on the inside. Do you know what turns you on? Talk about your fantasies, share them with him, if you can - you don't have to act them out. You can even tell him that, for some reason, you're struggling to get turned on (you don't have to say it's him) and you'd like to explore your sexuality a bit more.

 

These are just suggestions and obviously it depends how open you can be with him. If you were very attracted to him to begin with, the attraction is almost certainly still there - it's rare for this to disappear completely, even in long term relationships. Sometimes people lose it in the struggle of daily life and sometimes a dislike of the partner overides the physical but chemisty is usually pretty constant.

 

For a great sex life, great communication is a must - and of course sexual compatibility is pretty important. It sounds as though you need a really good talk about what gets you both going. If either of you isn't fully in touch with your sexuality, start experimenting and have fun learning about each other.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

reading something like this. You state nothing but positives, not a single negative and then drop the bomb.

 

Now for the simple questions. How long have you been together? Has there been a change in physical appearance? Are there children? Do you initiate? Do you get yourself in the mood? How often does he want it vs. you want it? Are you both enthusiastic in bed? Do you bring toys/fantasies to the bedroom and discuss them?

 

Just a few off the top. However the premise is exactly what has frustrated me over and over on this site. Women complaining/sharing their concerns but offering no answers or positives to improve their situation and leaving the male guessing and pretty much in the dark.

 

So I will answer. If young or in a relationship with no children and less then 5 years, tell him your relationship has reached a dead end and hit the road...... Or talk to him, get some counseling and figure out what's missing in your life to create this self made drama.

[crazycatlady]

Talk is key. And if you say it more like "I'm having a really tough time getting into sex lately" (don't add the with you) instead of saying "I'm not finding you attractive" he will be less inclined to be defensive or hurt.

 

I have had occassions of feeling like this. Its not personal towards my H, and its not really that I find him less attractive then I did before, not once I analyse the situation. But it is because something is keeping me from getting into sex. It could be that I don't feel I'm getting enough attention in other ways, sex lately has been all about his needs then my own, sex is getting routine, there isn't enough contact during the day so I'm feeling I'm a sex worker and not a lover, I have had a break from my routine recently (too long without my own time away from home and kids), or we need a date. SOOOOO many different issues can be the case at least for me in feeling this way.

 

CCL

[xxoo]

I'm just having a hard time getting turned on by him. When we have sex.. it's just sex. I'm missing the excitement, and I need to find a way to bring that back into our relationship. .

 

Do you get yourself in the mood? Do you bring toys/fantasies to the bedroom and discuss them?.

 

I like crazycatlady's approach to discussing it with your partner (keep it about you, not about him....unless there is something specific about him that he needs to know is turning you off). If there is a need unfulfilled outside the bedroom, be clear about that need.

 

But TDP's suggestions quoted above are really important! You don't have to get turned on "by him" all the time in a long term relationship. Get yourself in the mood....think about sex....read about sex (here! lol)....let your mind wander when you see someone attractive....and bring that energy into your bed with your partner. If you want excitement, be excited and exciting.

[Mutant Debutante]

SS, aren't you the gal who said your ex AP contacted you and you were tempted? So to say you don't want another man isn't exactly correct, right?

 

I don't know the answer to your dilemma with your H, but it has to be talked about first before you can even begin to figure that out. I can't imagine having to tell my man he doesn't do anything for me sexually. That would be very difficult.

 

Good luck though! I can tell you want your M to work.

 

Um yeah, I am pretty sure I remember you talking about how dirtyhot sex was with the guy you used to cheat with and how he has been contacting you lately and you've been thinking about him. Right? I'm not sure how this ties in with you 'not wanting another man'. It sounds to me like you're turned off to your SO because you're tempted by the other guy. It's hard to maintain divided interests/loyalties, something usually falls by the wayside. I don't know if you're really being honest with yourself about what's going on.

[SouthernSunshine]

 

Thanks for all the replies!

We had an intimate talk last night, and I'm feeling much better about our relationship.

 

Um yeah, I am pretty sure I remember you talking about how dirtyhot sex was with the guy you used to cheat with and how he has been contacting you lately and you've been thinking about him. Right? I'm not sure how this ties in with you 'not wanting another man'. It sounds to me like you're turned off to your SO because you're tempted by the other guy. It's hard to maintain divided interests/loyalties, something usually falls by the wayside. I don't know if you're really being honest with yourself about what's going on.

 

((Gasp)) You mean I was tempted by my ex BF whom I had an affair with in the past? Unbelievable! Do you also recall how I said It felt good to turn him down after I realized I was being stupid to consider cheating again? Probably not...

[SouthernSunshine]

That's awesome! I hope he wasn't hurt. But what really matters is that you opened up to him and feel better about things. Have you come up with ideas together how to figure out the problem?

 

Thanks! He was a little taken aback.. but I comforted him. We've decided to bring toys into the mix. He's always been against toys, almost like he's jealous of them. Now I guess he realizes that I'm a toy girl, and it will help our relationship. He can't be jealous if he's the one using the toy on me.

[giotto]

How long have you been with your present guy?

[Mutant Debutante]

 

Thanks for all the replies!

We had an intimate talk last night, and I'm feeling much better about our relationship.

 

 

 

((Gasp)) You mean I was tempted by my ex BF whom I had an affair with in the past? Unbelievable! Do you also recall how I said It felt good to turn him down after I realized I was being stupid to consider cheating again? Probably not...

 

 

Yep, I do remember that. I also remember you admitting that you were hiding his phone calls from your SO, making it sound like it had been going on for a while. And then you abandoned your thread where you talked about how tempted you were by your ex affair partner even though you were saying no, and started a new one about how you aren't attracted to your SO anymore.

 

You can disagree and obviously do, but I still think you're not being honest with yourself about what's going on here when you say your sexual disconnect with your SO has nothing to do with another man. Minimize and rationalize all you want, unless you've left something out the situation, as you presented it it's not that hard to read from the outside.

 

I am glad you turned the ex down and are trying to heal your sex life from the inside this time, that's a good start and I do hope it works. But try not to get too pissy when people on a public forum point out what everyone can see but you. Everybody sees things through their own haze sometimes, that's part of what this board is for, to clear your field of vision.

Edited April 22, 2010 by Mutant Debutante

[SouthernSunshine]

Yep, I do remember that. I also remember you admitting that you were hiding his phone calls from your SO, making it sound like it had been going on for a while. And then you abandoned your thread where you talked about how tempted you were by your ex affair partner even though you were saying no, and started a new one about how you aren't attracted to your SO anymore.

 

You can disagree and obviously do, but I still think you're not being honest with yourself about what's going on here when you say your sexual disconnect with your SO has nothing to do with another man. Minimize and rationalize all you want, unless you've left something out the situation, as you presented it it's not that hard to read from the outside.

 

I am glad you turned the ex down and are trying to heal your sex life from the inside this time, that's a good start and I do hope it works. But try not to get too pissy when people on a public forum point out what everyone can see but you. Everybody sees things through their own haze sometimes, that's part of what this board is for, to clear your field of vision.

 

Um.. you have no idea what's going on in my head. I got "pissy" because you think you know me just because I started a thread about being tempted by my ex lover, but felt guilty & didn't want to cheat. Now you're going to hijack my thread because you refuse to be wrong about me, and what I'm feeling? You're pretty funny!!

 

I was tempted by the thrill & excitement of my ex lover, but I made the right decision by turning him down. I realized I wanted excitement, not another man! I'm getting what I want now.. from my own man.

Edited April 22, 2010 by SouthernSunshine

[FryFish]

but felt guilty & didn't want to cheat.

cheat... again. Dont forget the again part.

 

So did your "heart to heart" with your husband include the part where you ****ed another guy?

 

Hey, if I read it wrong and you didnt already cheat then I apologize.

[Stung]

Um.. you have no idea what's going on in my head. I got "pissy" because you think you know me just because I started a thread about being tempted by my ex lover, but felt guilty & didn't want to cheat. Now you're going to hijack my thread because you refuse to be wrong about me, and what I'm feeling? You're pretty funny!!

 

I was tempted by the thrill & excitement of my ex lover, but I made the right decision by turning him down. I realized I wanted excitement, not another man! I'm getting what I want now.. from my own man.

 

Questioning your premise based on relevant information is not exactly hijacking. You might not like her tone, but she's got a point. It's certainly easy to see how the two issues might be, are maybe even likely to be, related. Frankly, the more defensive the very idea of this makes you, the more it seems like this line of questioning strikes a real nerve. And I don't think anyone has been trying to tell you what's in your head, more like trying to get you to question what's happening in your head subconsciously.

[SouthernSunshine]

cheat... again. Dont forget the again part.

 

So did your "heart to heart" with your husband include the part where you ****ed another guy?

 

It's too late for me to add the "again" part. I kept my promise to him that I wouldn't cheat again, and I haven't. I cheated in the past. I was selfish, and I admit that. Our relationship was lacking excitement. This time, I've decided to reach inside our relationship for excitement rather than to look elsewhere.

 

Questioning your premise based on relevant information is not exactly hijacking. You might not like her tone, but she's got a point. It's certainly easy to see how the two issues might be, are maybe even likely to be, related. Frankly, the more defensive the very idea of this makes you, the more it seems like this line of questioning strikes a real nerve. And I don't think anyone has been trying to tell you what's in your head, more like trying to get you to question what's happening in your head subconsciously.

Yes, I'm pretty offended by a stranger telling me how I feel. I don't want another man. I wanted excitement in my relationship, and I got that now. It seems like you, and that other chick want me to say, "Yeah, I want another man." Sorry, but that's NOT what I want or how I feel. Furthermore, me and my SO decided to bring toys into our bedroom last night, and it was awesome! I got what I wanted, without cheating like I have in the past. Our relationship has continued to grow, and it's exciting again.

[FryFish]

It's too late for me to add the "again" part. I kept my promise to him that I wouldn't cheat again, and I haven't.

So you cheated before AND you confessed AND you havent done it again? I actually commend you for this thread then. You had a problem and solved it the right way.

[SouthernSunshine]

So you cheated before AND you confessed AND you havent done it again? I actually commend you for this thread then. You had a problem and solved it the right way.

 

Thanks. Yes, I cheated and confessed, and haven't cheated again. I'm thankful for this forum.

[tnttim]

It's too late for me to add the "again" part. I kept my promise to him that I wouldn't cheat again, and I haven't. I cheated in the past. I was selfish, and I admit that. Our relationship was lacking excitement. This time, I've decided to reach inside our relationship for excitement rather than to look elsewhere.

 

Yes, I'm pretty offended by a stranger telling me how I feel. I don't want another man. I wanted excitement in my relationship, and I got that now. It seems like you, and that other chick want me to say, "Yeah, I want another man." Sorry, but that's NOT what I want or how I feel. Furthermore, me and my SO decided to bring toys into our bedroom last night, and it was awesome! I got what I wanted, without cheating like I have in the past. Our relationship has continued to grow, and it's exciting again.

 

Chill............you have to take into consideration that these people are attacking your persona, you cheated and they hate cheaters. For some reason they think attacking you helps them. Let it go, you came here for help, not a high school argument.

 

I commend you for choosing the hard way out and looking for excitement in your current relationship. You made the right choice for the future and didn't let your emotions make the choice for you, very adult.

 

Does your H know about the PA?

[Stung]

Chill............you have to take into consideration that these people are attacking your persona, you cheated and they hate cheaters. For some reason they think attacking you helps them. Let it go, you came here for help, not a high school argument.

 

I commend you for choosing the hard way out and looking for excitement in your current relationship. You made the right choice for the future and didn't let your emotions make the choice for you, very adult.

 

Does your H know about the PA?

 

You are putting words in my mouth. My post was not remotely an attack, nor have I professed any hatred of the OP. Sometimes people disagreeing with you or trying to show you a different point of view/different interpretation of events is more helpful than coddling, and more conducive to personal growth. I see a handful of people trying to get the OP to examine her subconscious, rather than a handful of people 'attacking her persona'. I for one never said she definitely wanted another man, I said it was an easy to see how her two issues might be related. And it is.

 

For what it's worth I of course agree that she has made the right choice here in seeking to revive excitement within her relationship.

Edited April 23, 2010 by Stung

[LonelyTiger]

It's too late for me to add the "again" part. I kept my promise to him that I wouldn't cheat again, and I haven't. I cheated in the past. I was selfish, and I admit that. Our relationship was lacking excitement. This time, I've decided to reach inside our relationship for excitement rather than to look elsewhere.

 

Yes, I'm pretty offended by a stranger telling me how I feel. I don't want another man. I wanted excitement in my relationship, and I got that now. It seems like you, and that other chick want me to say, "Yeah, I want another man." Sorry, but that's NOT what I want or how I feel. Furthermore, me and my SO decided to bring toys into our bedroom last night, and it was awesome! I got what I wanted, without cheating like I have in the past. Our relationship has continued to grow, and it's exciting again.

 

Well done for talking to your partner and congratulations that you managed to introduce some fresh excitement into the bedroom last night. That's all good, fantastic even - for starters.

 

I'm just adding a word of caution here that you only started this thread a couple of days ago and now you're saying you got what you wanted and your relationship is exciting again? Steady on girl. There's a lot more going on here than just your desire to use toys in the bedroom.

 

Your original post said that you were 'having a hard time getting turned on by him'. Has that now changed? Does he turn you on now - all of a sudden? Erotic excitement in a relationship starts outside the bedroom and it takes a lot of nurturing. If toys get you excited that's great, but its the toys and the novelty of trying something new that's doing it - not him. Don't get me wrong, I think this is a great start and you've opened up the lines of communication but you're not there yet so don't rest on your laurels.

 

If this relationship is important to you and you want it to last long term there's a lot more work to do. I know you want to leave your affair out of this equation but, the truth is, you can't. The affair was a symptom of something much deeper and until you address that 'something', whatever it is, this feeling of disatisfaction with your relationship will keep rearing it's ugly head.

 

Keep talking. You've got a very good chance of making this work, judging by the progress you've made in just a day. I hope it works out for you.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Well done for talking to your partner and congratulations that you managed to introduce some fresh excitement into the bedroom last night. That's all good, fantastic even - for starters.

 

I'm just adding a word of caution here that you only started this thread a couple of days ago and now you're saying you got what you wanted and your relationship is exciting again? Steady on girl. There's a lot more going on here than just your desire to use toys in the bedroom.

 

Your original post said that you were 'having a hard time getting turned on by him'. Has that now changed? Does he turn you on now - all of a sudden? Erotic excitement in a relationship starts outside the bedroom and it takes a lot of nurturing. If toys get you excited that's great, but its the toys and the novelty of trying something new that's doing it - not him. Don't get me wrong, I think this is a great start and you've opened up the lines of communication but you're not there yet so don't rest on your laurels.

 

If this relationship is important to you and you want it to last long term there's a lot more work to do. I know you want to leave your affair out of this equation but, the truth is, you can't. The affair was a symptom of something much deeper and until you address that 'something', whatever it is, this feeling of disatisfaction with your relationship will keep rearing it's ugly head.

 

Keep talking. You've got a very good chance of making this work, judging by the progress you've made in just a day. I hope it works out for you.

 

Thinking the exact same thing. If you saw my earlier post in this thread, I stand by it even more. The OP never answered my question, doesn't acknowledge her participation in the "problem" (heck I knew nothing about the affair or OM when I posted). Now it was solved in one day with a dildo????

 

Heck I've tried the said the same about my situation and posted multiple times, after particularly good sex that maybe this will get her more "into it".... Doesn't really happen.... Better yes, but no eureka moment....

[LonelyTiger]

But here's the thing about it happening suddenly. Whereas her husband refused to consider sex toys, he's not into it with her. I would have felt like sex with my H was to be inhibited, which would DEFINITELY be a turn off. If he has now opened up and is now being UNinhibited, things may have drastically changed, no doubt.

 

It's all about perception. Most of sexual excitement stems from what's going on in your head.

 

I agree absolutely!

 

I also know that people don't change overnight and I'm not just talking about him. There is more to sustaining sexual excitement in a long term relationship than introducing toys into the bedroom.

 

In LTRs sexual fulfilment and emotional fulfilment go hand in hand. If SS has already been looking outside the relationship for something, it is very likely the problem runs deeper than their sex life.

[SouthernSunshine]

Well done for talking to your partner and congratulations that you managed to introduce some fresh excitement into the bedroom last night. That's all good, fantastic even - for starters.

 

I'm just adding a word of caution here that you only started this thread a couple of days ago and now you're saying you got what you wanted and your relationship is exciting again? Steady on girl. There's a lot more going on here than just your desire to use toys in the bedroom.

 

Your original post said that you were 'having a hard time getting turned on by him'. Has that now changed? Does he turn you on now - all of a sudden? Erotic excitement in a relationship starts outside the bedroom and it takes a lot of nurturing. If toys get you excited that's great, but its the toys and the novelty of trying something new that's doing it - not him. Don't get me wrong, I think this is a great start and you've opened up the lines of communication but you're not there yet so don't rest on your laurels.

 

If this relationship is important to you and you want it to last long term there's a lot more work to do. I know you want to leave your affair out of this equation but, the truth is, you can't. The affair was a symptom of something much deeper and until you address that 'something', whatever it is, this feeling of disatisfaction with your relationship will keep rearing it's ugly head.

 

As a PP said, he was inhibited, but now he's putting his issues with toys aside. For him to try new things with me, definitely turns me on! Since then it's been pretty good.. He says he's all game for the toys just as long as I use them with him, and not alone. I'm currently content, so I really don't wanna overanalyze it.

 

Now it was solved in one day with a dildo????

Actually, it was more than just a dildo. . .

[Cinnamon2000]

Thanks! He was a little taken aback.. but I comforted him.

 

Does your husband know he is married to a wife who has cheated on him?

[LonelyTiger]

As a PP said, he was inhibited, but now he's putting his issues with toys aside. For him to try new things with me, definitely turns me on! Since then it's been pretty good.. He says he's all game for the toys just as long as I use them with him, and not alone. I'm currently content, so I really don't wanna overanalyze it.

 

Actually, it was more than just a dildo. . .

 

He was inhibited....and suddenly in the space of two days he's not?

 

Ok, your relationship, your life, your decision.

 

He's obviously just Mr Alright for Now, rather than Mr Right, so have fun while it lasts!