How to act dignified when you know they are going to break up with you?

[nauum]

Ok won't make this long...(please see recent thread about ignoring me after a fight...did we breakup? What to do when they won't say?) Anyway, we had two minor fights over the last two weeks of our 3 month relationship and he has barely been calling or even texting..won't take my calls..doesn't want to talk.

 

Well, I after sending two recent texts stating that I needed a simple yes or no and that I wouldn't be upset over the break but that ignoring is not sufficient. He texted back..."maybe you should move on" then I asked him if that was what he really wanted and he texted back..."after the last couple of weeks...I don't think it will work". P.S. Our fights have not been my fault...he backed out on a date and fell asleep during a movie date but I think he's a committment phobic or got scared and now is looking for any fault. Anyway, I stated that it was fine with me but that i couldn't believe he was doing it over text and I would prefer to talk. Hours later...he said, "maybe Thursday" (meanwhile this was yesterday on Monday).

 

So my question is...first off, not even sure he'll follow through with our talk on Thursday bc I think he's written me off or is in panic mode but if we talk (over phone or in person) how do I remain dignified.

 

What have you said when they have their mind made up (i think he's not TOTALLY sure though) and think you have all the faults. Do you just keep calm, thank them for good times and agree to it? Want him to wonder how I kept so calm after I walk away...but I usually end up shaking or my voice goes weird bc I have abandonment issues.

 

Also, if you act calm, do NC and don't bother them...has anyone ever had dumper call or return?

[norajane]

Why do you need to talk to him? He's been perfectly clear. You aren't going to talk him out of breaking up with you.

 

At this point, I wouldn't even bother seeing him. If he does actually come through and decide to meet you on Thursday, just tell him "I've given it some thought and you're right. This isn't working out for me either."

 

But, you can say that over the phone or text.

 

Only 3 months...not really worth a long, drawn out scene. And do you believe you'd be calm, or do you think you might end up begging him to give it another chance? Or do you want to tell him he's the one at fault? Why do you REALLY want to meet him?

[D-Lish]

Why do you need to talk to him? He's been perfectly clear. You aren't going to talk him out of breaking up with you.

 

At this point, I wouldn't even bother seeing him. If he does actually come through and decide to meet you on Thursday, just tell him "I've given it some thought and you're right. This isn't working out for me either."

 

But, you can say that over the phone or text.

 

Only 3 months...not really worth a long, drawn out scene. And do you believe you'd be calm, or do you think you might end up begging him to give it another chance? Or do you want to tell him he's the one at fault? Why do you REALLY want to meet him?

 

Couldn't agree more with what you wrote NJ.

 

It obviously isn't working out for him, why try and force him to have a meeting that is your idea, and not his.

 

Like I said in your other post, I don't think you guys are a good fit. He wants to play golf and have drinks with his buddies, and that's a problem for you.

 

No guy wants to think that his freedom is threatened after 3 months of dating, let alone be told his drinking is a problem.

 

I think your best course of action is to let him be and do as he suggests, move forward without him.

[nauum]

OK so just went to my therapist and I feel horrible. She feels that the breakup (that is pending or has occured??) was 50/50 fault. I questioned why it my fault and she said that in the last few group sessions (we also meet in a group) that she has noticed that I excite easily, get louder, etc. She said I did act inappriorpriately in NYC (it was our 1st little quarrel) when these guys at a bar just started cutting in front of me to get a drink and said a few words to me. I answered them back (for once in my life) but this guy didn't like it and told me. Next incident was when my ex called three weeks when we were at dinner and afterwards he kept calling and finally at the end of the night...when this guy didn't want to talk...I kept trying to get him to talk (he wanted to go to sleep but I wanted to explain why I didn't pick up to tell the ex off). Then the last incident was two weeks ago when he fell asleep during the movie and I said, " What did you drink after golf...do you have a drinking problem?"

 

Ok I explained to her that all my life I"ve been passive and maybe took too much crap from other BF's and was just speaking up...but she says he took note of all these incidents and has probably said to himself, "This woman is very explosive...too much drama". I guess I can see some of this but he doesn't talk...and had been backing off before that...so he pushes my buttons too.

 

Here's my question...I now feel like at least acknowledging that I did those things..I mean I don't want to apologize bc it would only confirm his crazy ideas but if I do send a short email over the weekend thanking him for our time together...I feel as though I want to mention that I spoke to a friend and she pointed these things out...and that I know I may have not handled the situations correctly...NOT to keep him...NO begging, pleading, (I'm NEVER done that in any breakup) but just to include it.

 

I know many of you are saying...JUST WALK AWAY...but I do have to say a goodbye...that's me if we don't talk tomorrow like he said. What would your email sound like?

[D-Lish]

Do I notice from your posts that you have some fault in the break up?

Yes.

 

You don't think that personal criticism against his drinking and golfing played a part in the demise of his investment in your relationship? It did, it turned him off, believe me.

 

It's only been 3 months, so personal criticisms will have a large effect.

[stillafool]

I agree with Norajane, he made himself perfectly clear. I still don't know why you feel you have to say good-bye to him. Let him come to you. Forget about it and move on.

[nauum]

Dlish...I agree with you...so would you acknowledge this? Don't want to apologize and put myself in a one down position but at least say in my quick goodbye note that we both contributed to this but I had a convo with someone and that maybe I shouldn't have handled the situation about sleeping in the movie that way..but oh well...things have turned out this way..and though I appreciated our good times...that I agree with the breakup?

[nauum]

UPDATE: So I let it go for a few days and then with no pressure sent him a text that I would be in his area for a doctor appt and if he wanted to meet up for a drink fine...if not..fine too. So, he actually did say yes, and we met up.

 

Here's where it gets WEIRD?!?!

 

So we met up and I didn't want to nag him to talk and thought I'd let him speak up first if he wanted to break..long story short...we end up laughing, chatting over drinks for two hours and nothing is said. We walked out to our cars..I mentioned I had some clothes of his that were left at my house that I washed...I gave them to him...then thanked him for coming out...and as I got into my car he said to text him when I get home safe (we live 40 min away). Before, I got home he texted he got home safe...then I did the same when I got home.

 

So, we have this MAJOR elephant or monkey in the room...and nobody says anything. If he wanted to split...then why meet me and on top of that...say nothing. I haven't heard from him today but I didn't send anything either. So, I'm left wondering...what just happened? I felt proud of myself that I didn't give him the satisfaction of talking or didn't try to be a nag...but we both acted like nothing happened.

 

Wondering if thinks he has one up? I did give him his clothes so he knows I was prepared to split...but just weird. What do you all think? Really thought at the last minute he'd give the "it just isn't working" talk...but didn't...never have had this happen with a guy.

[nauum]

Final email since he said he would talk last night but never called back...thoughts/comments..any parts to delete?

 

Ok easier this way for now and my fingers were killing me last night. I hope this message finds you well and will be my final thoughts unless I hear your thoughts on this. As I said, I'm not expecting a response...just wanted you to hear me out...but if you choose to express them...I will listen and respect them. What I'm trying to say is that I've been thinking about the last few weeks and about some of the situations we've been in. After sitting down and trying to understand things from your point of view, I can see why you've been cautious and more guarded. I wasn't right throwing that fit the night after sushi and I know you were trying to help fix the situation though I didn't hear of it then. I also look back on the movie theater day and realize how wrong it was for me to say what I did. I know I wasn't truly directing that comment at you...but rather probably have some past issues that triggered my response. I guess I was upset that you fell asleep..though I realize now that you were truly tired and had probably been up since 6. I too, would be offended if I was accused of being an alcoholic...so I truly wanted to apologize. On the other hand, I respect the fact that you probably want things over, but would have at least liked to hear your thoughts and have a proper goodbye.

 

 

Nonetheless, relationships are not perfect and will always have bumps in the road. It's working through these bumps and both partners taking responsibility that separates the good from the bad. I also know from past experience that it's very easy to discount the relationship and think that the whole thing is damaged from a few minor bumps and just run from it. It's even easier to think the grass will be greener with someone new (not saying you have...but I'm not dumb..it could be a possibility..who knows?) ...but that always seems to lead to hopping from one person to another looking for that rush you get in the beginning and looking for something perfect and then wondering why it didn't work and why you don't have happiness. It may even be that you feel that we moved too quickly and you may have gotten scared... .but if you remember from the beginning I was the hesitant one (because of past committment issues I've been working on) and wanted to get to know each other slowly.

 

 

Anyway...since I haven't heard your thoughts on this, I'm left trying to figure out (besides the few scenarios) what happened without trying to assume what your thoughts are or put words in your mouth.

At this point, I guess it’s now up to me to say goodbye since the way you are acting leaves me no other choice. I've done my part and have tried to text and call and can walk away knowing I did everything I could, but won't be any longer. I respect your decision (if it is final) for whatever reasons you had and want to thank you for the good times and some memories we made. It was too bad we couldn’t make more, and maybe someday if you want to talk and clear the slate, it could be a possibility if I'm not dating anyone but at this point...I know this is not working out for me either and agree with the split. I do wish you luck in the future and will remember our passionate sexual times, our trips to AC, being snowed in during those snowstorms, and little Lucy Lou. Hopefully someday you find what you’re looking for and have the happiness you talked about.

[D-Lish]

I think your meeting went so smoothly precisely because you didn't put any pressure on him this time!

 

I wouldn't send the e-mail. Maybe your recent meeting will give him some pause for thought. Now is the time to sit back and be patient. You have some clothes to pick up, why not just give it some time.

 

Just sit on the e-mail for a while. Writing things down is often enough closure in itself.

 

Trust me, it's way better to leave him with that last impression of a fun, low pressure, care-free date.

[ADF]

Refusing contact in a situation like yours is called stonewalling, and it is a craven, cowardly, passive-aggressive thing to do. You BF was so determined to make this break up as easy as possible on himself (your feelings didn't count), that he hoped he could just sort of fade away and disappear. What a pathetic weakling he is. You were right to force the issue, and now you have an answer. Turn your affection to someone more deserving.