Dealing with post traumatic stress and jealousy

[Yaneko]

Hey all.

 

Well, I'm kinda stumped right now. I know I have a problem, and plan to go to a therapist soon, but I am burnt out thinking so hard about this. I really need someone to talk to.

 

I was told I might have a lot of post traumatic stress syndrome. A lot of times when I am in a conversation with my boyfriend it triggers a bad memory from past relationships. And I can definitely tell you I've been through some ****. For the split second that it triggers it, it's like I've visited the past. I It really makes my mood turn around for the worse. I'll be out having fun with my boyfriend and BAM... visiting old unpleasant memories of past relationships.

 

 

I also.... and this is going to sound very silly to the average person: I got into an argument with him awhile ago.... He was *ahem* lurking on some girl's page on Facebook and looking at their profile pictures, swimsuit pics.. ect. I say lurking because he wasn't friends with them. In highschool they were known as the "popular kids". He said he just wanted to know what they turned out like over the years. Not for creepy reasons, just out of impulsive curiousity.

 

I found it on his browser history and got jealous and hurt feeling. It's not that I think he would ever cheat on me, it's the fact that I can't seem to cope with him admiring other girls. The jealousy kills me. Just from something as stupid as viewing a few profile pictures. Every time I feel this, I go back to my insecure self. I use to have a lot of self-hate and the feeling of "not being good enough for someone" due to a past boyfriend treating me badly.

 

So he said it was out of just curiousity and it was just impulsive because he was bored... but last night when I was kinda wound up about it (I was sleep deprived to top it off). I blew up and asked him if it was because he wanted to know if she was single. (I figured he probably had a highschool crush on her back in the day). He laughs and says no that's not it. Says he doesn't know why he did it. He then says "Can you blame me? Any guy would have done the same thing" (as far as looking through all her pictures). I was overwhelmed with jealousy at that point. I felt like he was giving me his "opinion" of her looks. I then blew up and said "Well obviously you have a high opinion of how she looks." And then it triggers again: not feeling good enough. I was comparing myself to someone he didn't even know. He said it wasn't for admiring/lustful purposes... and said he wasn't even attracted to her.

 

The "Can you blame me? Any guy would have done the same thing" line is what is eating at me. Why would someone lurk one someone's pictures and say it's not for the reasons I think? My jealousy and self hate is out of control at this point I think... I don't know how to deal with it, and how to not compare myself to that girl, or any other girl he glances at for that matter. I feel like he was giving me his opinion on her and WHY he found her to be attractive.

 

I was in another state visiting my family when he was up late on the computer browsing random girls's profiles. I left to visit my family with the feeling of secureness that I was in a solid relationship. Up until seeing his browser history. I asked him, "If I were in the room, would you infront of me still be looking through her pictures?" He said no, and admittingly said that he learned something new from this. This being his first relationship, I know everyone's gotta learn from their mistakes, but it just sucks to think he only looked because I wasn't there.

 

Anyway this post is getting pretty out of hand. I know I have a problem with PTSD and jealousy. I'm checking into the therapist thing in a few weeks. I can't cope well on my own with these feelings. I don't know what it is with me... It's the split second he is focused on some girl he notices, whether it be in public, or staring at profile pictures.... I feel very insignicant. The feeling of "not being good enough" comes because I don't have his attention. The "Any guy would have done the same thing" comment really bothered me. the "Can you blame me? !" part is constantly eating away at my low self esteem because I don't feel "like I am as good as her". It's like he was subconsiously saying that he was very attracted to her, but at the same time didn't want to admit it.

 

I don't know why this profile lurking thing bothers me so much compared to the other looking that is done when we're in public. I think it's because he took the effort to search for her online, when he has no reason to... the fact that she didn't even know who he was in school. They weren't friends.

 

I really have a problem. I feel very irrational. I know I am overreating over the fact that he admires other girls. I just really wish he hadn't made the 'can you blame me?' comment - I don't want to know his opinion on who he's attracted to, or when he looks. I don't want to notice any of it. Thank god I am checking into therapy. :(

Edited April 21, 2010 by Yaneko

[Sazerac]

The "can you blame me" comment, IMO, was more about explaining away human curiosity than it was about justifying his actions as typical male behavior. Mere curiosity has impelled me to look at profiles of people I didn't know, or barely knew.

 

If she had been someone who snubbed him during high school days, he may have been checking her profile to see if she had gotten fatter or sloppier than the person he had known--a type of private petty revenge, and one I admit has been more than a mere impetus for people to attend their high school reunions.

 

What distressed me about your post, though, was that you claim that you are overeating because of your boyfriend's behavior. Please, please, do go to therapy. This is self-destructive behavior. I have had female friends who have cut themselves or binged/purged when they were hurt. You are worth far more than that.

 

Huge hugs to you (from afar) and my prayers that everything will work out.

[Yaneko]

Sazerac, your post makes so much sense to me. I think the "Can you blame me?" comment just hurt because I took it as a compliment to her looks. I got very jealous and put down my own looks because of it. It probably was just human curiousity... I just thought way too hard about it. My way of thinking was like, "Well maybe if he was completely happy with me, he would not feel the urge to care how another girl has turned out." that he found attractive in highschool.

 

I know I definitely do have some self-destructive behavior going on right now. I probably used the wrong words when I said "eating away" at my self esteem. I just meant that it's really burning me out. I dwell on it a lot. Not physically overreating, infact the self-destructive part of me thinks I don't deserve to eat. Again, more self-destructive behavior. It also doesn't help that I just started an ADD prescription that causes me to have no appetite.

 

It was just his instinct to go through her profile pictures, and my jealousy took it's toll. Every time it crosses my mind, I have the self-hate coming back and the "I'm not as good as her" and that he's not happy enough with me.

 

 

Recently another thing kind of rose to the surface as well. I found out the majority of the relationship he was unsure of being ready for a long term relationship. I am his first GF so I don't blame him. It just sucks that I was both feet in, in the relationship, and he wasn't. He went through his doubts and even made a online dating profile in the 3rd month of us together. He never came to me about his doubts, and we weren't very close back then. He said he never went through with going on any dates with girls on that site though, and I believe him.

 

It's just the "me believing everything was okay" that really gets me. I have so much anger, and felt it was so unfair to keep me in the belief everything was going great.

 

Along with the self-destructive behavior, I have a lot of resentment built up. I thought that we were both dedicated to each other. Everytime he had reassured me over this past year, I believed him. I don't think it's fair to keep someone in a relationship when you clearly have some doubts. How can I believe what he says now? I have almost zero trust for him saying he's serious about me now. The only thing that makes me believe he might be, is the fact that he is trying so hard to help me overcome our past.

 

Therapy will do me some good. :(

Edited April 21, 2010 by Yaneko

[Yaneko]

Ahhh man! I feel like I am totally spamming this thread. I reflected on everything I vented about and realized something. I feel like I have a better understanding of my problem. I feel like venting made the biggest problem of them all rise to the surface.

 

 

I feel like the jealousy and self destructive behavior I get from him looking at that girl's pictures isn't the biggest problem here. I mean, it's a problem and I'll probably end up going to therapy for it, but I feel like I stepped back and looked at the big picture finally. What he did WAS pretty harmless compared to what some guys do. I think it's something I can overcome with time. Though feeling jealous sucks really bad - it's not what's making me the most unhappy. It's not what is truly wrong with this relationship.

 

What I realized is the biggest problem for me is:

* I don't trust him.

* I have a lot of built up anger and resentment

because he wasn't completely upfront about his feelings. His doubts. And the fact that he led me to believe everything was going great this entire time. I had both feet in, in the relationship, and he did not. I feel like this was very unfair to keep me in this relationship when he was feeling this way. He was unsure about being ready for a long term relationship, but had me under the impression that he was.

 

Some background story here: 2 months ago I found out he had made a dating profile when we were 3 months into the relationship. I was upset and decided to give myself some space and go to my parents house in another state. Upon leaving we reassured each other that it was only going to be for a week, and I would come back and be living with him again. Hopefully feeling better and not still angry.

 

I saw his browser history, and that it showed he had lurked those girls's profile pictures while I was in Idaho. I was in Idaho, only thinking about how I couldn't wait to come back to him next week. Again, feels unfair!

 

Last night he explained that it kinda felt like he went back to the single guy habits in him. I wasn't sharing his room with him that week, it was like he was back in his old single self. To me that kind of backed up why he did what he did, when he made that dating profile in the beginning of things. I wasn't living with him then. Who knows what kind of things I might've come across if I had moved in sooner. Actually, I don't even want to know. All I can do is hope the dating site thing was about it.

 

The browsing of those girls's profiles and going through their pictures all happened about a month ago. He says he doesn't feel the part of him "that is still single", but if it was only a month ago, how can that be? So every time I am not in his presence, he's going to be like this? I don't believe people change that much in a month. I felt like we had already been really close. How can he say he is now the type guy that admires pictures we've taken together on his phone while he's at work? The "single" feeling part of him that he was feeling when I was gone, was only a month ago.

 

So the bottom question I have is, how do I handle the fact that the majority of the relationship, he still had one foot out of the relationship? I felt like it was so unfair to keep me in this relationship while he was going through that. How do I trust that he is even serious about me at this point? I don't know how to get over my anger/resentment and trust him when the majority of the relationship I trusted him thinking everything was going great. Can I really continue a relationship with someone who didn't take me very seriously for what seems like the majority of it? I feel like I can not get over the unfairness of it all when I was so dedicated to just him. :(

 

I also can't be with him 24/7 to make him realize he has a significant other who he's been with for a year. Every time I am gonna want to go on a trip or see friends or just go to work, how do I know he won't just resort to his single ways? I don't feel secure in this relationship.

 

Wow, I totally ranted there. Mannn, I need to keep my mind off this. Any advice I can get from this, I will really appreciate.

Edited April 22, 2010 by Yaneko

[Sazerac]

Well, he did come clean and try to explain how he was feeling when he put up the dating profile. I admit, that's pretty scurvy to do if you're in a relationship, but if this is his first significant one he's probably somewhat clueless about what to do.

 

However, you have identified that a lack of trust is the biggest problem in your relationship. Both of you are going to have to address that and come to some sort of resolution to work at building trust between the two of you. Obviously, he needs to stay off the dating profile sites from now on, and to be completely transparent with you about his activities (as you should be with him as well...this is a two-way street).

 

As far as the built-up anger and resentment, that's what therapy is for. I would suggest couples therapy, but IC is good too for what you are facing. It sounds as if you have a decent plan of action already formulated. Carry through on it, engaging your BF in it as much as possible.

 

And as for his having "one foot out of the relationship" for the first part, if he has assured you he is fully in it now for the long haul, take him at face value. That doesn't mean blindly trusting him--that will need to be built (re: above). But what happened in the past should stay in the past. What is important is NOW, where the two of you are, and where both of you want to go with this.

 

Huge well-wishes to both of you. Even though you have some self-doubts, you seem to be a very intelligent and poised young lady who has a good plan of action set.

[Yaneko]

Just wanted to say thank you very much Sazerac! You helped me with the advice you gave. I already feel much better about things. I talked it out with him until 2 AM!

 

After seeing what effort he made talking it out with me (I was really starting to feel hopeless about everything. Like wondering if I was ever going to overcome the problems). I just felt like he was really fighting hard to keep our relationship. It's the effort made like that that really seems to reassure me, despite the problems I'm dealing with. Reassurance is a must for me. I live in the past a lot, and what you said about focusing on the NOW is definitely something I gotta' remind myself more often. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks again! We'll see how things go from here.

Edited April 23, 2010 by Yaneko

[lordWilhelm]

Hi Yaneko. I remember in addition to the dating profile that he posted, you were also unhappy in the past about the quality of your sex life after you moved in together? How is that going right now -- have you guys made any progress or does he still seem somewhat uninterested.

 

I think the feelings that we get of jealousy and insecurity are there for a reason. I think you have the right thinking: it seems that you don't entirely trust him and that you feel resentment that he's still unsure of the long term status of your relationship. And I think you're right to feel this way -- after all, you've moved in together and he's still not sure if he's in a long term relationship with you. Hello??

 

So I think you shouldn't have to minimize or dismiss your feelings, but you can find better ways to cope with them. It seems right now you put yourself down because of your negative feelings, but you need to channel them in a more productive way. Perhaps you're too invested in the relationship and need to see the bigger picture -- have your own hobbies and friends that you hang out with and hopefully this will help take the edge off in the pressure that you feel in the relationship.

 

Now, how do you feel about communication with him? I get the sense that you feel it's good -- but can you expand on that a bit. I feel these are things that if you communicated with one another in a good way, he wouldn't do because he'd know how you feel about them and wouldn't want to hurt you.

Edited April 24, 2010 by lordWilhelm

[lordWilhelm]

But I'm glad to hear that it seems that he's trying hard to keep the relationship going