susie830 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 ok..here it goes...i realize this entire situation is of my own making but right now i am in such pain and feel like my heart has broken....i was involved with a married man for a year exactly....i am married also, in a marriage that i am struggling to keep together...mostly for the children....i know i should be content, as my husband is a good provider, father and a generally good person....i have been married for 14 years, with all the ups and downs....a few years in, my husband had an affair, i made the decision to stay for the children, but part of me died when i found out...but i stayed strong and worked to keep my family together....fast forward....i have been vulnerable, in my mid forties and having a bad case of "is this all there is?" we had daily contact, via phone, email and im....he pursued me and told me what i had not heard in years...it felt so good to have someone want me for me....he lives away but worked in the area and would come frequently to my town...i struggled with what i was doing, knowing what i was doing was wrong and that i was setting myself and/or others for heartache....there would be no happy ending and i really was not prepared to leave my situation..in retrospect, i realize i took baby steps getting myself into the mess...he told me he was in love with me and i fell deeply in love with him...for most of the relationship, i knew he loved me more than i loved him...in feb of this year, i could feel him starting to pull away, his job changed and he was not coming to my area without a special trip, we continued to have contact..the more he pulled away, the more i tried to talk and "fix" the problem...i tried to end it when his work situation changed, he begged me not to...he needed to see me, he loved me...every single morning i received message from him, and throughout the day... he had two trips that had to be rescheduled, i tried to take it in stride...he was to come the monday following easter sunday....that week, i had very little contact with him....i received a text on that sunday, saying he was sorry but he would not be coming the following day....we had a bad argument the monday prior....mostly about my frustration that he was acting so distant...i aksed him if there was someone else...he denied this....i asked him if he wanted to end it....he said he did not i changed my phone number easter sunday...i just could not take anymore...i had tried to call him but he had ignored my call...a week later, i sent him an email telling him how sorry i was for all of it but that i thought it was for the best this way...i heard from him a couple of days later saying he was struggling with the split because he is in love with me...i let it go for a week, i missed him terribly, started counseling... i sent him a message yesterday basically saying that if we are in love, why is it this way....he responded that he missed me very much....but nothing else...he won't talk to me about it...i know it could not last forever and that karma is a bitch....but i am still hurting quite a bit....there is nothing anyone on here can say that i have not said to myself....i am just hoping this is cathartic and helps me move on....i am not sure what i am wanting from him other than to have a conversation as to why....i know no contact is the way to go...just wanting to get to the point where it does not hurt so much....i know what i am missing is how it felt in the beginning...not what it turned into...now, i just feel stupid and used.....not sure any of it was real i know this was long post....but it is my story...my first post....
PhillySpecial Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 You should have kept it at just fun... you went wrong when you got your heart involved. Hopefully you learned from it, focus on your family, get counseling if necessary and move on.
bentnotbroken Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 You should have kept it at just fun... you went wrong when you got your heart involved. Hopefully you learned from it, focus on your family, get counseling if necessary and move on. .................. you decided to get invovled with a MM in the first place.
PhillySpecial Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 .................. you decided to get invovled with a MM in the first place. .... you decided to get involved with anyone outside of your marriage.
Just a stone's throw Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Susie, I'm not in a position to give you advice today. I regret that because I can tell you're really hurting. I hope that the other ladies on LS who have been right where you are will come out to support you as you need it right now and don't need to be made to feel any less than supported! Hugs to you and there will be support and guidance following this post. Hang tight.
scatterd Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Im sorry you hurt maybe his wife knows and he desided to stay my husband did.alot of time they wont leave their wifes if their marrried and if they are not they dont trust a woman that cheated move on work on your marriage it can be rekindled but you have o get over the OM.good luck
whichwayisup Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Two wrongs don't make a right. Seems you've justified having the affair, allowing yourself to fall for another man because your H had an affair (which you forgave and stayed yet never worked through that pain properly or something? Hense you feeling unloved and seeking love/attention from another man..).. So, think about everyone else here. Your husband, your MM's wife. Your kids, MM's kids. How their lives will be affected by this. Since you understand the pain and betrayal of affairs, then you must understand what MM's wife 'could' be feeling if she knows about the affair. Let alone what your H will feel. He has changed his mind, and the A is over, you need to let go and move on. Get counselling to help you.. You need decide if staying married is best or moving on ON your own. Noone should leave their marriage for another person as it's just not healthy and youll always have trust issues, that old saying they'll cheat with you, they more than likely will cheat on you..
dazzle22 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I have come to believe that in life, people will do many things that don't seem logical to regain that wonderful feeling of 'feeling alive and special'. Sounds like your marriage lost that long ago with your husband's infidelity, and you were essentially walking around emotionally deadwood, until something was the spark that lit the fire. That is why the intensity was so high. Have you ever seen "What the Bleep Do We know about Anything'? Very interesting segment on what happens to neurochemicals in the brain when we fall in love. Perhaps you should reframe some of this relationship as an incredible burst of 'feel good' neurochemicals, rather than attaching a 'meant to be fate kind of significance' to it, and it might be easier to detach from. As to why he is doing it? I think again, human behavior boils down to some basics when you really get to the heart of it: -people will not change till the pain of change is LESS than the pain of staying the same. He is analyzing his situation and finding it is less painful to STAY in his current situation. -all human relationships are at their heart transactions. If you feel a relationship or situation is advantageous to you,( and this does not necessarily mean it is good for you), you will stay. If the cons outweigh the pros, people move to change. I doubt it has anything to do with him not caring for you, but rather the above...
lilagirl Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Susie, I am sorry for your pain. I don`t think it was all lies. i am sure he misses you like crazy. After a year, you begin to see the realities of the A and the stress it causes in all other areas of your life. While i have no doubt you are in deep pain, i suspect he is too. I also believe there is a side to you that is relieved... I am sure he is feeling that too. Trust your love with him, for what it was... a love and bond like that is difficult to sustain with two married couples. (HUGS) Good luck
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