wavylocks Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 (edited) This is a long post, thank you for reading! My relationship with my now ex fiancé ended a few weeks ago. We were together for over 7 years. We met it college when we were both 19 years old. We had a typical young relationship, some breakups, some heartbreak, but the last few years of school we were great. I do feel the need to mention something that happened while we were younger that is relevant now. When we broke up once before years ago, she went and found another guy to replace me before she let me go. I think she did that so that she would have someone there to help her through it. That person filled the void that I left and made it easier to move on. (I didn’t do that because I didn’t EVER see us ending up here. I want to marry her and have a family. I want her to be the mother of my children.) She told me she didn’t love me and she didn’t miss me so that we could move away from each other. They were lies. I stayed in her life and we eventually got back together. She told me that she lied and that she loved me all along and missed me, but she felt it was over so she did what she did to try and move on. Keep this in mind for later. We had fights, but we were close, spent a ton of time together, and when we graduated (spring 2007), the thought of leaving each other never came into the picture. She moved to Connecticut and I moved to New Jersey (we are from Philadelphia area) but we saw each other almost every weekend. We got engaged on Christmas Eve of 2007 and we knew that as a year apart got closer we were going to start looking for jobs near each other closer to home. So I found a new job in New Jersey close to the Philadelphia area where we are from and she found a job in Philadelphia in the summer of 2008. We began living together then in New Jersey. Everything went well for a while and we were so happy and so in love. But as we started to live our lives together and plan our lives together, things became very serious and the magic and spark was dimming. I hated the new job I took. I let my misery there overflow into all the aspects of my life. I even told her that we couldn’t get married until I found a job a liked, and sitting here looking back on it I have no idea why. We had financial problems as well. I felt she was terrible with money and she didn’t save. During the year we were apart, I had nearly eliminated my debt from school. She had to buy a new car and lived in a more expensive area, but brought so much debt to the relationship that we were never going to be able to afford the wedding and a home. We struggled with this. We tried to have discussions, but she would get upset and emotional and I would drop it because I didn’t like upsetting her. Because of this, the problem lingered and we never got past it. There was also tension between her and my family. My brother and his girlfriend had a child at a very young age. When my brother’s girlfriend had her son, my ex and I were broken up. So she was not a part of everything that was going on at the time. When we got back together, she felt as though my family treated her differently than my brother’s girlfriend. I saw some of it, and other things I thought she was overreacting, but the point is I did nothing to deal with the situation. So we were planning our wedding and had a date of June 2010. Once the date was set everything seemed to start snowballing. I was trapped at work for 60 hour weeks and hated every minute of it. I also had a project car sitting at my parent’s house that had been there for years that I wanted to finish. So we were going there a lot on weekends so I could work on it. This caused more tension and she began questioning my desire and commitment. I did my best to reassure her, but everything was piling up on me and it was getting harder and harder to show her I cared. I felt like everything I did was disappointing her, and instead of talking and working with her, I introverted. Then one night I was online and a girl from my past contacted me. I hadn’t talked to her in years before this time. We dated for a month or so when I was maybe 18 or 19, before I met my ex. Anyway, she was a good friend, so as we talked I began to open up to her and tell her about my relationship. I told her about our struggles and about my doubts that my ex could compromise with me on the issues. I was depressed and somehow the conversation turned inappropriate. We had a sexual conversation. This meant absolutely NOTHING to me, but it happened none the less. This girl meant absolutely nothing to me at all, and I was still completely in love with my ex. I am sure you see where this is going. My ex found the conversation in my email, and needless to say, she was devastated. She told me I cheated on her and she was absolutely destroyed. I moved out a few days later and I moved in with some family. I was heartbroken and I had no idea why I did what I did. This happened in September of 2009. This happened on a Friday and we texted back and forth all day until the night. I don’t remember how much we talked through the weekend, but it wasn’t much. The next Tuesday I told her I wanted to come see her. I went to our former apartment and we talked for a long time. I apologized and we both cried a lot. I told her how much I loved her and that what I did was wrong. I told her I missed her so much and she wanted to take me back, but she was afraid. After we talked and cried and she vented on me, I left to drive home. I had been driving for about 10 minutes when she texted me and said she loved me and why did this happen. I kept telling her I was sorry and I loved her more than anything. She asked me if I would come back and sleep with her. She just wanted me to be close to her. She said she wanted me to be in bed with her, but not touch her. I asked if I could hold her and she said no. I went back and stayed over. So we began talking through email while we were each at work over the next few days. I was in school and she was playing sports, but I saw her a couple nights a week and on the weekends. I can’t specifically remember, but if we did spend any weekends apart, it was maybe like 1 or 2. So we began to spend more and more time together and we eventually reach a point where it was back to the way things were. This happened over the course of a month or so. I was spending more nights there than not and eventually she gave me a key. I still hadn’t moved back in, but I was leaving my clothes there, doing laundry, sleeping over. It was almost back to “normal”. I was still trying to finish my car. (Looking back on it, I was neglecting her because I took her for granted. I assumed she would always be there waiting for me, so I forced her to wait.) Things were going pretty well. We had some struggles around Christmas due to family issues again. She wanted us to celebrate Christmas at her apartment together, but I wanted us to go to my family’s house to see my nephew and sister who I don’t see often. We compromised, opened our gifts to each other Christmas Eve night, slept at her apartment, and then went to my parents in the morning. We then spent the rest of Christmas day at her family’s house. We spent new years together in CT with some friends from there, and I bought her a necklace for our anniversary. (We originally started dating on New Years Eve). So we went on the next two months in the same situation. We talked about our relationship and what we were going to do. She told me she was unhappy with the way things were and that she didn’t want to live the way we were. I was still trying to get into a job I liked and finish the damn car, so I didn’t invest the time I needed to make things right. I told her I was sad and depressed and I was struggling. She told me it was her job to give me tough love and get my life in order. She told me to take control of my life and act on things. She also recommended I go see a therapist and it would help me. I fought it. I didn’t do anything. I took no action and got no help. So we went on as we were. Now we get to March. I had to go on travel to San Diego in March for a week. I left on Monday the 8th and returned on Friday the 12th. So the weekend after I came home and the following week, things were really great. We were doing well together. The following weekend, the weekend of the 20th, she was working 2nd shift on a Friday. I took the opportunity to go work on my car. She was working until midnight or 1am, so I stayed over my parent’s house and worked on my car the next morning while she slept in. We were supposed to meet up that Saturday the 20th and her parents house to see her sisters twins. I got tied up with the stupid car and I forgot. So when she finally got in touch with me, she was mad (rightfully so). Some friends of ours who live in Ohio whom we don’t see often were home for the weekend that night, and we were supposed to meet up with them. I texted her that I was going to go and I would see her there. She called me just when I was getting there and said that she wanted the key back to her apartment. I told her I was sorry for missing the afternoon with her family. We talked for a bit and I can’t remember what was said, but she said she was tired and was going to bed. When I got inside, my friend (a girl) showed me a text from her. It said “he values your friendship more than our relationship”. So I hung out there with my friends for a bit, and then went home (not to her apartment). The next day (a Sunday) she didn’t want to talk to me at all. I finally went to her apartment at night time and I went in. She was in bed already and told me to leave the key. I left, and as I was driving home I got a text saying “I don’t want to be a part of your life anymore.” I was confused, freaking out a little and was trying to text her back as I drove. I asked her if I could come back but she said no and I no longer had a key. So the following day she we texted but didn’t talk on the phone. She was still working a later shift at work and didn’t have a lot of time. We talked Tuesday night late after she finished work. She was distant, and asked me what I did Monday night. I told her not much. I asked her what she did and said she went out. I don’t know how it came around, but she mentioned that she was out with her girlfriend, and some other guy. I became hysterical and basically begged her to tell me who it was. She told me, and it turns out to be a guy who we both met at a friend’s wedding (the same friends we were supposed to meet up with the weekend before). So she says she went out with him. I asked how she met up with him. She told me they started talking on Facebook and hung out together one night while I was in San Diego. She said she told him she had a boyfriend when they hung out. I asked her what she told him on Monday and she said she told him that we broke up. So I took off work on Wednesday. I was mortified and could not sleep. We had talked about needing a plan for our future together but we hadn’t sat down and done it. So I made one. It had everything in it. Marriage, kids, getting out of debt, me moving back in. Everything. I sent it to her. I didn’t get much back from her because she was working and then was going to a concert that night. We were supposed to go together but she gave my ticket away. She called me after the concert and we talked some more, me trying to convince her to stay with me. I know that was a mistake, but I was emotional at the time. During the day on Thursday I was texting her and telling her all the things I though she wanted to hear. I told her we could go to therapy, that I would put my car in storage. She told me she loved the plan I made, but wanted to know why it took her breaking up with me for me to take the time to do it. She also said that I put on there pay off “her” debt, and not “our” debt, and that I wasn’t it the mindset that we were one. She just kept saying she wasn’t willing to try anymore and she wanted somebody new. She said she was happy I wanted to work on us, but her heart wasn’t in it anymore. Regardless, I asked if I could come over on Thursday night and see her. She said ok and I went over. We talked about a lot of stuff. I told her how I felt and that I loved her. She told me she loved me, but just didn’t want to try anymore. She told me she was tired of waiting to move on in life and if things stayed the way they were she wouldn’t be happy. She didn’t want to be my girlfriend for the next seven years. She said she couldn’t see past how unhappy she was. We kept talking and I told her I was going to make changes. I told her I wanted to provide for her. She wasn’t hearing it, so we went outside to have a cigarette and presumably for me to leave. But I kept talking and trying to reassure her, and something clicked in her. She told me to stay over. We went back inside and she took off her jacket and hugged me. She said I’d better not let her down. I told her I wouldn’t. We went to sleep together. The next day was Friday and I texted her at work. I asked her how she was doing and she said “tired. Unsure if I am making the right decision”. I asked her what she wanted me to do, and she said to come over and take a nap with her. I got there on Friday and she had a sad look on her face. She looked at me and told me she made the wrong decision. She said she made a mistake and didn’t want to try anymore. We talked more, ended up taking a nap together. We woke up and I made her dinner. We talked during dinner (just talked, not about the relationship) and everything felt ok. I didn’t get my hopes up though. We watched TV on the couch and I rubbed her head until she got tired. We went to bed together again. The next morning she had to go to softball. She woke up, showered, and got ready to go. Everything seemed ok, but not great. She acted how she did when we were together. Walked around the apartment naked, so she must have felt comfortable. She didn’t kiss me goodbye when she left, so I texted her and said “no kiss goodbye”. She had to come home a few minutes later because she forgot something and I asked if she saw my text. She said no, I followed her outside, she read it, told me to come over to her and we kissed. While she was gone I completely cleaned the apartment and did laundry. She texted me a few hours later and said they were going out for a beer. She also asked where I was. I told her I was still at the apartment and asked her if she expected me to leave. She then said “I want to tell you its over. I don’t want to try anymore”. When she finally got home we talked some more. She said more of the same things she had been saying all along. So we talked for a while, and eventually I packed my stuff up. We hugged on the porch, and said goodbye. She started to go in, but I grabbed her and kissed her. She kissed me back, and then started crying. I left. This was Saturday March 27th. Fast forward to Thursday, 5 days later (April 1st). I had no contact with her, but I had talked to her sister a few times. Everyone told me to give it time, but I lost control. I went to see her on that Thursday. I knocked on her door and she answered, and immediately told me to go away, because she was going out. I waited for her outside and asked her if I could talk to her. I told her I just wanted to talk and I just wanted her to listen. I told her I wanted to be with her and that I had recognized that I had some problems. I told her I was going to see a therapist and I still had hope for us. She said “this was a long time coming.” She did sit patiently for a while and listen. But I kept going on and on and she was on her way out and began to lose patience. At one point she was in her car and I was still talking. She went to shut the door and I was in the way and she threatened to call the cops. It was ugly. As she was driving away I told her I came here to soon, and then said I love you. I don’t blame her for way she acted. She did ask for no contact and I went over there way to soon to expect anything different. I understand that now. So I went on with my life, not contacting her. I have been working on a letter I am thinking about sending her, but haven’t yet. I really worked on the letter I want to send it, even came close this past Sunday. I also left our facebook friendship intact. Maybe this was a mistake, but I want to share a few things about it. First, on April 6th, she posts something on our Ohio friend’s wall asking when they are coming home again. I thought to myself, why now? They were home 2 weeks ago but you were too busy to go see them. She even said next time they are home they should go out and do something for my ex’s b-day, because it is around that time. I really thought she was doing and saying these things to get to me. Why post it like that? She could have easily texted her or something. I should also mention she hadn’t been posted on facebook in a while, but there was a girl I met posting things on my wall (I wish she hadn’t) and I think my ex saw them. She also posted something on another friend’s wall asking if she “was going to the bach party this weekend” right after the girl posted that she was staying off facebook for a few days to do homework. That’s another reason it think she did it to get to me. I went to a Phillies game on April 14th, and I went to update my facebook status. When I did, I saw she had changed her status to “in a relationship” and changed her picture to one of her floating in my parent’s pool. At that point it had been 24 days since we said “goodbye” and 18 since the last time I saw her. It hurt a little. How could she be in a relationship so quickly? But I maintained no contact and have had none, until today April 20th. (I know all this facebook stuff seems petty and stupid. But it’s only petty if she REALLY put it up there to get at me. I am not sure if that’s the case or not.) I am a godfather to her niece, and over this past weekend I talked to her sister, the mother of my goddaughter. I told her I wanted to be there for my goddaughter and do the right thing. She said she didn’t want to be in the middle right now, and after things cooled off, she wanted me to be in her daughter’s life. She sent me a few pictures and said we would get together soon. So today, I receive a text message from my ex. She said “Thank you for wanting to be there for Samantha. I think that’s a good thing.” That’s all she said. So that’s my story. Now a little about me. During our time of no contact, I started therapy. I really want to instill some changes in my life. I want to have less anxiety and I want to communicate better. I also want to be a better person so this doesn’t happen to me again. I want to do the right things. I talked about all the issues with my therapist and I plan on working through them. I will say that this event has changed me. It caused me to open my and realize I don’t want things to be the same for the next 7 years. I am doing things to take care of myself and move on with my life. I am looking at houses, applying for jobs, spending time with friends and going on dates. As for her, I think she is doing the same thing now that she did many years ago with that other guy. She went out and found someone to replace me before she let me go because she thinks it is over and wants to move on. The problem is, it is a lot more serious this time. I don’t think she has taken the time to realize what she is doing. She is probably just consumed with all the fun she is having with the new guy. I think at some point it will hit her. All the fun doesn’t change want she truly wants. I know she wants to be with me, but she is afraid another 7 years will go by without that happening. I know it won’t, but I am not sure how to show her. Also, I don’t blame her for any of this. I don’t think you can get mad at someone for how they cope. I put myself in her shoes and if I was the one dumping her and I was trying to stand my ground(which is a direct quote from her) and convince myself it was really over, I might do the same thing. I might jump into a new relationship as well. She was unhappy for a long time and I know that now. I want to erase the hurt I have caused her, I just don’t know if she will give me the chance. I don’t know what to do right now. I am sure everyone is going to tell me to stay strong and keep up with the no contact with my ex, but every fiber of my being is telling me that this is my chance. I know her better than anyone and my gut is telling me to go for it. She is a strong confident girl that is extremely emotional with me when we were together, but cuts me off as soon as it ends. I am not sure what else, if anything, I am going to get from her. I really think this text message is the opportunity for me to send my letter, let her know how I feel, and take a chance. Nothing so far has convinced me that it is truly over and that we cant get through this. And I am not sure what will. I think hope is keeping me from hitting rock bottom, but I am someone who has to hit rock bottom if I ever want to move on. So I am asking for advice. I would say right now I am rational, and not overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t respond to her text immediately after I received it and I’m still not sure if I should respond or not. I really don’t feel closure, so no contact is good on the short term, but I am not sure how it will work for me long term. Last thing. There is a lot of history here and I definitely left some things out and glossed over some others. I didn’t repeat every text she sent me after we broke up saying how much she didn’t want me. And trust me, there were a lot. Ultimately I feel that our relationship was really great, we just had some obstacles in our way. If we both do a little growing and figure life out, I think we can make it. If there are any questions, please ask, and thank you for the help. Edited April 20, 2010 by wavylocks
single Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Feel sorry for you but you have to get on with looking after yourself, Women move on in their heads before the end of a relationship you need to move on and look after yourself now. If you two are meant to be together then later in life you might be back together but for the moment you have to let go and get on with your life. I had 6 years with my ex and a child and now she is gone i was told the above and it's hard to accept but it is so true you need to look after yourself get fit and get back out there and meet new people. You can never compete with the new guy/relationshp. I know it's hard but just let her find what she wants in life by herself.
DustySaltus Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 (edited) She just kept saying she wasn’t willing to try anymore and she wanted somebody new. She said she was happy I wanted to work on us, but her heart wasn’t in it anymore. It's a two way street and she doesn't want to live up to her end of the bargain. You two definetly had a bunch of issues to work out. That email to that ex did not do anything to help the situation. That text message did not provide any hidden message I'm sorry to say. It was a message of indifference. I know you want to send her a letter but you've already said your piece. You told her that you had a plan and wanted to work things out, she said no. The most powerful response to her is NO RESPONSE. Delete her from facebook and stop checking it. No phone calls, texts or emails. Be there for your god-daughter and that's it. There is nothing you can say at this point to try and prove your "case" to her. She QUIT on the relationship, so it's up to her to come back and say, "Hey, I made a mistake. I want to work things out and I am willing to do whatever it takes". You're right, she's going out with someone to keep her mind occupied just like you said you may do. It's the equivalent of taking Tylenol for a broken leg. It may make the pain go away for a little while but eventually it will HURT LIKE HELL and you can't keep taking Tylenol forever. You have to FIX the problem. At this point you need to focus on yourself and process what happened in the relationship. What are you going to do for yourself moving forward to make yourself a better person? The biggest injustice you can do yourself is not applying things you learned from a relationship towards your own personal growth. Do not send the letter. There's a thread in the Coping section calles, "Post here instead of contacting your ex". Post your letter their if you want, but do not send it. She lost all privledges of knowing what's going on in your mind when she decided that it was easier to move on than stay and actually put in the work it would take to salvage the relatiosnhip... Edited April 21, 2010 by DustySaltus
Author wavylocks Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 So i gave in and sent the letter last Wednesday. Thursday morning i texted her and asked if she read it. We texted back and forth and i got the same thing i had been getting all along. But her last text was different. She said "I've been burned too many times by you that i am just numb to the whole situation." And that kind turned the light on in my head. If she was mad, sad, frustrated...anything, maybe i could work with that. But numb? There is absolutely nothing i can do. So i stopped texting her. So over the weekend i purged. Deleted her as a friend on FB, deleted her number and email address. Then this (Monday) morning i get a text from her saying "thanks *******". Our conversation went like this. her: thanks ******* me: thanks for what? her: unfriending me on facebook. Stay classy me: Im sorry. but I'm not numb. seeing you hurts. a lot. i was gonna send you a message to let you know, but you don't want to hear from me. nothing unclassy about not wanting to hurt her: understood. me: Sorry for call me an *******...? her: yeah. sorry. goodbye me: why were you mad? her: goodbye me: be mad. get angry. dont go numb. we can work with angry. me: or dont. not my choice. bye. So now im not sure. If she was numb, why'd she care? maybe she isn't numb? who knows. I'm not going to text her anymore, but i will say i am angry. She can just text me whenever she wants and call me and *******, but i cant contact her? Maybe i should send her a random text can call her a bitch(i wouldn't). I think its unfair that she is allowed to send me random texts, but i cant.
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