JamesM Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 ...his or her wedding ring when he or she is with you? Or does he or she take it off before seeing you? I guess I ask that question because I read recently about someone who was cheating on his wife and in the article it said that he took off his wedding ring when he was with the OW. And I remember recently when my wife mentioned someone who had an affair and he took his ring off. And usually when this is said or printed, it is meant as derogatory and you can almost hear the gasps of horror as the reader/listener hears this. Yet I wonder...is it better or worse with or without the ring on? If I were the MM who cheated, then I think I would take the ring off. Just curious.
Lizzie60 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 None of my MMs have to take it off... a few don't wear any... because they're common-law... I never paid too much attention to this aspect.. but I've seen the gold band shining in the dark...
jthorne Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I never paid too much attention to this aspect.. but I've seen the gold band shining in the dark...Aw, Lizzie... You strike me as a "lights on" type of gal! Early in the A, my xMM would leave it on for quickies, but would otherwise take it off. Except there were a couple of times when we were out in public and we both wore bands (I've never been M) so people would assume we were married to each other. Kinda sick looking back on it now.
Lizzie60 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Aw, Lizzie... You strike me as a "lights on" type of gal! Early in the A, my xMM would leave it on for quickies, but would otherwise take it off. Except there were a couple of times when we were out in public and we both wore bands (I've never been M) so people would assume we were married to each other. Kinda sick looking back on it now. Correction:.... I should have written.. in the light of the candles.. because it's never 'too light' or dark... I set the mood with candles..
stuckinoz Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 At the time of my affair - my MM & I neither one were wearing wedding rings - even in the presence of our spouses. Marriage on the rocks........Rings Off........It wasn't an issue with us. Although - that reminds me of an episode of CHEATERS... Where they were following some guy, filming him sitting at a bar with a young lady & he turned around & very obviously took off his wedding ring & stuck it in his pocket. Guess some still do that.
MorningCoffee Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 MW didn't wear hers at all for a while early on, because she said she had become "allergic" to it. Apparently it was a skin reaction to some medication or other. That passed, and then I was glad she wore it when we were together -- after all, she was married, and that didn't go away simply because she was with me. Symbols and tokens mean a lot, and leaving it on was a reminder of the reality of what we were engaged in.
PhillySpecial Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 If I were the MM who cheated, then I think I would take the ring off. Just curious. WTF does it matter... you're sticking your penis into the vagina of another woman whose NOT your wife. The ring is just a symbol, you're already violating your wedding vows by the act of cheating itself. In the eyes of God, your wife and whomever, you've still broken your vows. When I've been with MM the ones who take it off have this ugly ass dent on their fingers anyway (a reminder that a ring should be there), and it could get lost. So I'm not seeing the point, if you have the stomach to cheat in the first place, taking off the ring shouldn't make your cheating ass feel any better. Gimme a break. I can just imagine MM saying to W, "Well I did take off my ring when I was banging her!" Lmao!
Lizzie60 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 WTF does it matter... you're sticking your penis into the vagina of another woman whose NOT your wife. The ring is just a symbol, you're already violating your wedding vows by the act of cheating itself. In the eyes of God, your wife and whomever, you've still broken your vows. When I've been with MM the ones who take it off have this ugly ass dent on their fingers anyway (a reminder that a ring should be there), and it could get lost. So I'm not seeing the point, if you have the stomach to cheat in the first place, taking off the ring shouldn't make your cheating ass feel any better. Gimme a break. I can just imagine MM saying to W, "Well I did take off my ring when I was banging her!" Lmao! Imagine... fingering the OW..and losing the ring...
ladydesigner Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I remember once when my XOM and I were sitting in his car, he started playing with my ring on my hand and it totally freaked me out. From that moment on I took my ring off. It's sad to think about that (not because I miss XOM but because the act of taking the ring off to be with someone else uuuggghhh), but I've answered honestly.
ladydesigner Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Does a c*ck ring counts? Some wear that too.. LMAO:lmao::lmao: That is too funny Lizzie.
torranceshipman Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 (edited) Seriously, when the person has gotten to the point of having sex - repeatedly - with someone who isn't their spouse...then isn't the presence (or not) of the wedding ring a bit of an irrelevant detail?! Edited April 20, 2010 by torranceshipman
Author JamesM Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 WTF does it matter... you're sticking your penis into the vagina of another woman whose NOT your wife. The ring is just a symbol, you're already violating your wedding vows by the act of cheating itself. Despite your crude language, I see a point to be discussed. Yes, you are already violating the marriage vow, but by leaving the ring on, you do so even more so in a hypocritical way. When you remove the ring, then you knowingly have set aside that vow and its symbol. I am not saying one is more right or more wrong, but taking the ring off symbolizes the setting aside of the vow and moving on to someone else. Not sure that makes sense. I know what I mean but am having a difficult time expressing it. Seriously, when the person has gotten to the point of having sex - repeatedly - with someone who isn't their spouse...then isn't the presence (or not) of the wedding ring a bit of an irrelevant detail?! Not really. IMO it is as if the spouse is in the room while the affair is going on.
PhillySpecial Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Despite your crude language, I see a point to be discussed. Yes, you are already violating the marriage vow, but by leaving the ring on, you do so even more so in a hypocritical way. When you remove the ring, then you knowingly have set aside that vow and its symbol. I am not saying one is more right or more wrong, but taking the ring off symbolizes the setting aside of the vow and moving on to someone else. Not sure that makes sense. I know what I mean but am having a difficult time expressing it. Yes the crude language was to make a point, which is that the ring already means nothing because by cheating in the first place you're making it meaningless. I think you're even more of a hypocrite if you believe you can remove your ring and somehow make the act of cheating any better. And I find the phrase "set aside that vow" particularly offensive, as if by simply removing the ring you could set aside the vows you made to your W. Your W is your wife nomatter what, whether you're wearing the ring or not. I think that many times weak minded people try to do things to make their sins seem better, maybe so they can sleep at night, or go through with behavior they know is abhorrent. I would have much more respect for someone who was real about their behavior, and didn't try to play such games.
norajane Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 taking the ring off symbolizes the setting aside of the vow and moving on to someone else. Except they're only "moving on to someone else" for the hour or evening they are with that someone else. Then the ring goes back on when dutiful hubby/wife to go back to their spouse? It's high hypocrisy.
Confused4Now Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Here is another thread on the same subject "Wedding Rings??" http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t219033/
jennie-jennie Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 My MM does not take off his wedding ring for me. He puts it on for his wife.
Author JamesM Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 Yes the crude language was to make a point, which is that the ring already means nothing because by cheating in the first place you're making it meaningless. I think you're even more of a hypocrite if you believe you can remove your ring and somehow make the act of cheating any better. And I find the phrase "set aside that vow" particularly offensive, as if by simply removing the ring you could set aside the vows you made to your W. Your W is your wife nomatter what, whether you're wearing the ring or not. I think that many times weak minded people try to do things to make their sins seem better, maybe so they can sleep at night, or go through with behavior they know is abhorrent. I would have much more respect for someone who was real about their behavior, and didn't try to play such games. We can assume that in many cases an affair was not entered into lightly. In fact, it may be a call for help due to a very troubled marriage or it may be due to a spouse who no longer acts as a married spouse should act. In other words, the vow may have already been broken by the spouse albeit in a less noticeable way than an affair. If I read correctly, you would say that a MM in an affair is being more honest if he keeps the ring on while with the OW? Which would make you gasp more...a man who cheats with his ring on or a man who takes it off? And the answer cannot be both. Except they're only "moving on to someone else" for the hour or evening they are with that someone else. Then the ring goes back on when dutiful hubby/wife to go back to their spouse? It's high hypocrisy. Could be, but is it better that the ring is on during the affair or off? My MM does not take off his wedding ring for me. He puts it on for his wife. Excellent perspective.
herenow Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I have to say that using the clinical names of body parts isn't crude language IMO. It just being very clear. As far as the ring: From a BW perspective, it makes no difference to me if he had his ring on or off. As a matter of fact, the question has never even come up. Didn't come up in MC, so I guess it didn't matter to the therapist. I don't know to this day and I have no intention of asking. I really don't care because it wouldn't change anything that happened. Like others have said, once you are having sex with a person who is not your wife or husband, why care about the ring?
PhillySpecial Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 If I read correctly, you would say that a MM in an affair is being more honest if he keeps the ring on while with the OW? Which would make you gasp more...a man who cheats with his ring on or a man who takes it off? And the answer cannot be both. No, you mistake me. In your initial post you said "If I were the MM who cheated, then I think I would take the ring off." I asked you what difference taking off the ring made and your response was "Yes, you are already violating the marriage vow, but by leaving the ring on, you do so even more so in a hypocritical way. When you remove the ring, then you knowingly have set aside that vow and its symbol." Your statement about leaving on the ring making you more hypocritical (your words not mine) is what I objected to, and your hypothesis that taking off the ring made cheating any better. It doesn't make a difference, that's my point. You're trying to argue that it does makes me think you're the type of person who wants to remove his ring and for several hours and enter a fantasy world where you're no longer married to your W. You're taking off your ring and all of a sudden you're a swinging d*ck again who has the freedom to screw whomever he wants. Is that right? To answer your question I have been with MM and quite frankly didn't care whether they removed their rings or not, most don't though. I mean, when you think about it that's so silly. I am under no false belief that MM is any less married if he takes off his ring. I know he's still married, he knows he's still married... I mean we are not children. We are two grown adults making a choice to do what we do.
herenow Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 No, you mistake me. In your initial post you said "If I were the MM who cheated, then I think I would take the ring off." I asked you what difference taking off the ring made and your response was "Yes, you are already violating the marriage vow, but by leaving the ring on, you do so even more so in a hypocritical way. When you remove the ring, then you knowingly have set aside that vow and its symbol." Your statement about leaving on the ring making you more hypocritical (your words not mine) is what I objected to, and your hypothesis that taking off the ring made cheating any better. It doesn't make a difference, that's my point. You're trying to argue that it does makes me think you're the type of person who wants to remove his ring and for several hours and enter a fantasy world where you're no longer married to your W. You're taking off your ring and all of a sudden you're a swinging d*ck again who has the freedom to screw whomever he wants. Is that right? To answer your question I have been with MM and quite frankly didn't care whether they removed their rings or not, most don't though. I mean, when you think about it that's so silly. I am under no false belief that MM is any less married if he takes off his ring. I know he's still married, he knows he's still married... I mean we are not children. We are two grown adults making a choice to do what we do. Right, and a ring isn't going to change anything on or off. Unless one or both of the people involved are in serious denial about who is married. If that's the case, there are more important problems than a ring.
Snowflower Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 (edited) As far as the ring: From a BW perspective, it makes no difference to me if he had his ring on or off. As a matter of fact, the question has never even come up. Didn't come up in MC, so I guess it didn't matter to the therapist. I don't know to this day and I have no intention of asking. I really don't care because it wouldn't change anything that happened. Like others have said, once you are having sex with a person who is not your wife or husband, why care about the ring? Yup, same here. I never asked my husband this question. I never really thought about it before I read this thread. Hmmm...let me think about it. Nope, it doesn't really matter. The ring is symbolic, that's all. If someone is married, they are married whether or not they wear their ring. The real damage is done when your spouse is having sex with someone other than you. Edited April 20, 2010 by Snowflower
PhillySpecial Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Yup, same here. I never asked my husband this question. I never really thought about it before I read this thread. Hmmm...let me think about it. Nope, it doesn't really matter. The ring is symbolic, that's all. If someone is married, they are married whether or not they wear their ring. The real damage is done when your spouse is having sex with someone other than you. Exactly and this is what OP doesn't seem to understand. But I think he's trying to make the act of cheating more palatable. Guess what, it's not!
herenow Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Exactly and this is what OP doesn't seem to understand. But I think he's trying to make the act of cheating more palatable. Guess what, it's not! Or he is placing more importance on a ring than we do. IMO, a ring isn't anything more than a tradition or the mark of one who is "taken". If the meaning is ignored, one might as well ignore the ring on or off. I place more meaning on actions.
norajane Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Could be, but is it better that the ring is on during the affair or off? Better how? Putting his marriage vows in his pocket for a few hours along with his ring isn't fooling anyone but himself. Keeping it on during a visit and then going back home to his wife doesn't change the fact he's cheating. Keeping it on or taking it off doesn't make him any less married, nor does it mean he's not cheating. Neither is "better" in an material way. MM or MW may fool themselves into thinking it's better to keep it on or take it off, but it's not actually better for anyone else.
Recommended Posts