DontWorryBHappy Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Ok so... here's the condensed version. The bolded text is the main question of this thread. My ex broke up with me a month ago - my goal from the start has been reconciliation. In the beginning we talked for several days until I worried he would gradually move on while I continued to play the friend role... so I sent an NC message. 5 days later I decided maybe I should keep the lines of communication open after all, so I sent him a message saying I thought NC was a mistake. We started talking again until I got drunk one night, drunk texted him, then woke up the next morning thinking maybe I should be NC after all. So, I sent a heartfelt message and blocked him from facebook. Several days later I ended up sending him a message saying that all I was trying to say was that I felt we had needed more space, but he could text or call if he wanted. We talked for about a day before we had to do a forced NC because he didn't have access to his phone for a week (consequence of pledging a fraternity). I contacted him after the week was over and have definitely noticed the drop in his interest in initiating conversation with me since a few weeks ago. This is obviously because he's had more time to get used to me not being in his life, particularly since he has no access to my facebook or any of that. But now I find that I'm beating myself up.... wondering if going NC at all had been the right decision. I'm actually worrying that going NC had pushed him away from me and maybe reconciliation is more possible when the lines of communication are open and your ex feels more of an attachment to you? I sort of feel like NC helped him detach from me more and maybe that's working against me.... or is that something that needs to happen if reconciliation were to ever occur? Help??
TLH Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I feel your pain. And I know that it hurts. And what I'm about to tell you probably will add a little sting to your suffering heart. But I think that you need to accept that there will be no reconciliation. At least not anytime soon. It sounds like your ex is starting move on. He has all the distraction of his new "frat" brothers and it's a whole new beginning for him. It really sounds like he won't be coming back any time soon. BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT'S IMPORTANT HERE!!! Why do you want to be with someone who ISN'T FIGHTING FOR YOU?? Why is it that you are putting in all the effort while he doesn't seem to care? Why is it so easy for him to not contact you? Why are you the one breaking NC? This is not fair to you. You are putting in all the work and effort and he just want to enjoy his new life. My suggestion is accept that it is over and move on. Work on yourself and heal yourself. You don't deserve this. And when his distractions get old and he tries to contact you, don't let him. Why should you wait around for someone who doesn't seem to have an interest in you any longer? I know that these things are hard to hear, but you have to think about them. It's all about YOU, not HIM. Learn to love yourself first and foremost, ALWAYS. Be strong. We have all been there and we will all come back better, happier, stronger. It may not seem like it now, but it will happen. I think that this quote is very comforting and relates to your situation perfectly- "Watching you walk out of my life has not made me bitter or cynical about love. If I wanted so badly for it to work with the wrong person, imagine how great it will be when the right one comes along".
Ilovecake Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Well truthfully it doesn't sound like you've actually gone NC at all with this guy. Telling someone you want to stop talking to them and then contacting them to say you changed your mind isn't exactly a lack of contact. If somebody was constantly sending me messages saying their not going to talk to me then they change their mind then send me another message saying they're not going to talk to me I would start to think that they’re a needy basket case and probably break all contact. Sound to me like he’s finished with the head games and ready to move on with his life which is exactly what you should be doing.
EthanH Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I think you have to stop. I read your mssg and not once did I see anything which suggests he wanted to stay in contact with you. It seems to have been you telling him you were going NC and then not, and back and then not. It has made you seem desperate. IF he wants you back, you have to give him a chance, let him make his decision. But if he doesn't you need to let him. Think of it this way, someone who is confident and not needy is attractive, someone who is desperate and cannot stick to what they say is not. He will know you are finding it difficult, but that is not the point. The main point you need to remember is that what you want/had etc wasn't a one person thing, he was involved too... and so you need to remember that, he has a right to make a decision and stick to it. The frat thing sounds like a excuse to me. I think you need to remember that while you might want him back, the instinct is to try to do something, to move things forward, it feels like you are giving up to not do anything... but you have to let him breathe, sometimes the only thing that works is by NOT DOING ANYTHING!
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