FarFetched Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Long story short, Fall 2009 I discovered my wife was having an affair. This was after one year of marriage, nearly four years being together. We separated in December 2009 after she apologized for what she did, and filed the formal paperwork last month. I have been doing very well moving forward, had only been talking with her about the business at hand (paperwork, taxes, etc.). Several times throughout those few months, she mentioned how much she missed being with me, the memories, etc. but I just ignored it. After the paperwork was filed, I ignored her completely. Last week she sends a text asking a tax question and I responded. She then tells me how much she misses me, and I tell her that I miss her also. She mentions again how sorry she is for doing this to us. She sent me an email apologizing for reaching out, since she knows I'm trying to move forward. She also mentions that she has been dating a guy she knew way back in high school, but wanted to be honest and have me hear it from her first. We spoke the next day and I forgave her for what happened, thinking this might help her move forward (and help me move forward without further interruptions). I honestly don't think she is a bad person. She just has some issues to deal with and went through a phase where she was making some big mistakes. I wanted things to be okay between us and have her understand that the reason I'm ignoring her is not because I hate her...but because I need to. But, there's a slight problem. I've been in a slight funk ever since. Now, I realize that moving forward without this one is a wise decision for a whole host of reasons I won't get into. But, I feel like I'm going through the grieving process for a second time. Maybe I was going about things the wrong way before and wasn't truly moving forward the right way? Now that I've cleaned things up, perhaps I'm having to face it in a different light? I assumed she was still seeing the guy she had an affair with, but now I realize that she's not and is seeing somebody else. Is it possible I was avoiding the feeling of rejection thinking she was still in the fog and making foggy decisions, whereas now since she's with somebody else, her head is clearer about her decision to leave me (and therefore the rejection might sting a bit more?). Hoping somebody might have some insight as it totally blows to feel like I'm getting past this and then take a few huge steps backward. Thanks!
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Continue to ignore her and continue on with her life. She isnt sorry for what she done because if she really wanted you back she would have did everything possible to not get divorced. one year into the marriage she's alread cheating. Yeah that bodes well for any future relationship. Say your good byes and leave it at that. Has she even figured why she cheated and why she wouldnt get back with you when she had the chance or let me guess she thought the OM was her soulmate and true love? it didnt work out with him, she gets out the fog and NOW realizes she made the mistake, right?
Author FarFetched Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 To be honest, I am not concerned at this point withher decisions or activities as they are really none of my business. I am mostly looking for feedback regarding why I seem to have taken steps backward in this recovery process.
chapter44 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Far: I think what you are going through is natural. Things are nearing the end of the line for your relationship and no matter how well you have done up to this point its still going to hurt when things become final. If you are like me you believe this is not the way God had intended us to live as part of a married couple. Just allow yourself to feel what you feel and understand that this recovery will be much quicker. Best of luck to you.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Well, stay NC. and you wont backpeddal. And youl come out on the other side.
seibert253 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 To be honest, I am not concerned at this point withher decisions or activities as they are really none of my business. I am mostly looking for feedback regarding why I seem to have taken steps backward in this recovery process. Because you talked with her about personal issues, not "business at hand". Time and distance my friend. Only two things that heal a broken heart. Well, another HOTT girl with you also seems to help. Peace,
dgiirl Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I am mostly looking for feedback regarding why I seem to have taken steps backward in this recovery process. Because you have a heart and you actually cared about her. You're current steps backwards is part of the healing process. They call the recovery a roller coaster of emotions. You're still on it, but the hills are not as steep as it was before. Keep focusing on you and your new fabulous life and you'll be riding the highs in no time.
Author FarFetched Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 Hopefully, since I resolved some standing issues that were not properly addressed before, and since I've been going through this already for a while, the recovery will be more speedy this time after NC is resumed.
floridapad Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Farfetched, Did you properly grieve the loss of your marriage the first time. Did you properly grieve the loss of her? If you didn't allow yourself time to grieve the first time around chances are you will be in backslides. Did you go out and date right away after the seperation/divorce? Backslides happen. It's OK to feel them for a bit and then pick yourself back up and move forward.
phineas Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Continue to ignore her and continue on with her life. She isnt sorry for what she done because if she really wanted you back she would have did everything possible to not get divorced. one year into the marriage she's alread cheating. Yeah that bodes well for any future relationship. Say your good byes and leave it at that. Has she even figured why she cheated and why she wouldnt get back with you when she had the chance or let me guess she thought the OM was her soulmate and true love? it didnt work out with him, she gets out the fog and NOW realizes she made the mistake, right? Far, you have it less rough then those with kids. My situation is very similiar. Except I have two young kids with mine. If I never saw her again it would be just fine with me. It took damn near a yr for me to this place though.
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