Bartender Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I'm going out on my fourth date with this lady tomorrow and everything seems to be clicking except for sexual chemistry on my part. I'm not sure what it is? She's great....attractive, funny, easy to get along with, doesn't play games and is really into me. The problem is I'm just not really feeling her when we start to get intimate. The only thing I can attributite it to is the fact that I still have feelings for the last person I was talking to and it's interfering with me moving on. I don't want to call it off with her because she's a great person and I'm worried Id regret it if I were to do so. Anybody have any suggestions or expreriences with similar situations?
BubbleFreak Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Sounds to me like she is someone you respect (because you've listed good stuff about her) but is not the best person for you to date. If you're not feeling the chemistry, you can't force yourself to. It wouldn't reflect badly on either of you if you stopped dating her, I mean, you've already given it 4 dates.
Eeyore79 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 If you're genuinely not into her, you're wasting your time. I've always found that if I wasn't hot for someone in the first few months of dating, I was never ever hot for them, no matter how long we dated. But if you think your lack of attraction is because you're hung up on someone else, then give it a bit longer... although tbh, if you're still hung up on someone else then you shouldn't be dating anyway
Author Bartender Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 Thanks, I just feel that if I had met this person without any distractions I'd be feeling differently.
befreckled Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 well you can't have both feet in and out. You are either in or out. What about considering taking things alittle slowly? Enjoy her company as a friend..and perhaps hanging out with her will sort of dilute the feelings that you have for the other chick?
EasyHeart Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 1. If you're confident that the only reason you are not feeling it for her is because you are still hung up on someone else, just be honest and tell her. Say that you thought you were ready for another relationship, but you've realized that you're not quite there yet and need more time alone. But you really like her and, if she's still available in a few months, you'd like to see her again. You can't expect her to wait for you, but you should make clear that the reasons you want to stop seeing her have nothing to do with you, and get permission to call her in the future. 2. BUT, if the reason you're not into her is HER, not you, then I think you need to just end it. I've been in this situation before, and I'm in it right now. Great woman, very smart, successful, talkative, nice. but there just isn't any "zing" between us. The same thing has happened before, when I tell myself I'm being too picky or too superficial by judging women too much on their looks. So I date women who seem compatible with me in the abstract, but I'm just not feeling any sexual chemistry with them. So I keep dating them, thinking (hoping!) that I'll start to feel more, but I never do. In these cases, the longer you date the woman, the more you'll hurt her. She is more into you than you are into her, so you're basically teasing her or leading her on if you keep dating her. Have some mercy and break it off before she invests too much time and emotion into you.
DustySaltus Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 In the months following my broken engagement I met a bunch of beautiful women that under different circumstances I would've fell for. Instead, I felt nothing. They sensed that and eventually moved forward without me. I don't regret that it happened because I needed that time to heal and it sounds like you still do as well. But if you feel this way, the least you can do is tell her and if you're not going to tell her you better change your mindset in a hurry.
tkgirl Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I think it's almost impossible to feel any sort of chemistry when you are still hung up on an ex.. now matter how great the new person is. I think you need to be honest with this woman and let her know where you are at... and then maybe take a break from dating for a little while longer...
stillafool Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 1. If you're confident that the only reason you are not feeling it for her is because you are still hung up on someone else, just be honest and tell her. Say that you thought you were ready for another relationship, but you've realized that you're not quite there yet and need more time alone. But you really like her and, if she's still available in a few months, you'd like to see her again. You can't expect her to wait for you, but you should make clear that the reasons you want to stop seeing her have nothing to do with you, and get permission to call her in the future. 2. BUT, if the reason you're not into her is HER, not you, then I think you need to just end it. I've been in this situation before, and I'm in it right now. Great woman, very smart, successful, talkative, nice. but there just isn't any "zing" between us. The same thing has happened before, when I tell myself I'm being too picky or too superficial by judging women too much on their looks. So I date women who seem compatible with me in the abstract, but I'm just not feeling any sexual chemistry with them. So I keep dating them, thinking (hoping!) that I'll start to feel more, but I never do. In these cases, the longer you date the woman, the more you'll hurt her. She is more into you than you are into her, so you're basically teasing her or leading her on if you keep dating her. Have some mercy and break it off before she invests too much time and emotion into you. Even if you don't feel sexual chemistry towards these women are you still able to have sex with them? I've always wondered this about men. I know for women we can have sex whether we feel it or not.
Jersey Shortie Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 That's a tough one but I think any woman who is dating a guy she likes wants him to be physcially attracted to her/have chemistry. So if you don't feel it, you can't force it and you would free her up to find a guy that is wildly attracted to her.
tkgirl Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Even if you don't feel sexual chemistry towards these women are you still able to have sex with them? I've always wondered this about men. I know for women we can have sex whether we feel it or not. this is interesting.. I always felt is more the other way around. I know I can't get intimate with a guy without some kind of chemistry or connection... but it seems some guys can.. if they just want to get laid that is!
123BeachFan Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 You need to take a break from dating for a while and give time enough to heal from your last relationship. If you aren't yet able to feel chemistry with another woman, you're definitely not ready emotionally to be in a relationship. Which is the next roadblock if you continue to see this new woman. So do yourself and this new woman a favor and stop seeing her. Do the healing work on your own, and then jump back in the game when you're ready.
boogieboy Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Ive been in that situation. You were looking for a woman to make you forget about your ex, and this woman not only doesnt do it, but she never will. You have to end it with her, and start over with someone who makes you forget about your ex from the get go. No matter how much time you spend with her, you wont get that feeling. Trust me.
carhill Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Anybody have any suggestions or experiences with similar situations? Sure. The simplest is to see this as a good indicator of your healing process. Tell the good lady who's into you this: The only thing I can attribute it to is the fact that I still have feelings for the last person I was talking to and it's interfering with me moving on. I can assure you she's been there and can empathize. Also, tell her this: She's great....attractive, funny, easy to get along with, doesn't play games You like her, enjoy her company and find her attractive but you feel you still need further closure on your last romantic relationship. With that out of the way, she can decide what *she* wants to do, wrt going out with you. Do you think your clear communication will inspire respect for you? Then, heal. Try dating again in a few months...with her or someone else.
make me believe Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 The same thing happens to me after a breakup. I'll meet a great guy that I KNOW I'd fall for under different circumstances, but that kind of thing can't be forced or rushed. I think you should stop seeing her and take a break from dating until you're truly ready to fall in love again. Otherwise you're just wasting everybody's time. It's really unfair to string this poor woman along when you're not feeling the chemistry & are still hung up on your ex.
EasyHeart Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Even if you don't feel sexual chemistry towards these women are you still able to have sex with them? I've always wondered this about men. I know for women we can have sex whether we feel it or not. Yes. I think most guys can have sex with a woman without 'chemistry', it's just a question of whether they want to bother. (eg, if there are no better options). I've heard the opposite about women -- that they need some chemistry or it just ain't gonna happen, so your comment is actually more interesting. Care to elucidate?
USMCHokie Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Ive been in that situation. You were looking for a woman to make you forget about your ex, and this woman not only doesnt do it, but she never will. You have to end it with her, and start over with someone who makes you forget about your ex from the get go. No matter how much time you spend with her, you wont get that feeling. Trust me. +1,000,000. I started dating this girl about a month ago...but one night, I actually started to think about my ex...I missed her and couldn't get to sleep...just tossed and turned thinking about her...I quickly ended it with the new girl after a few weeks...I wasn't ever going to get "that feeling" with her...
sagetalk Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 this is interesting.. I always felt is more the other way around. I know I can't get intimate with a guy without some kind of chemistry or connection... but it seems some guys can.. if they just want to get laid that is! Those guys are called jerks, do all decent guys a favor and don't sleep with jerks.
stillafool Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 this is interesting.. I always felt is more the other way around. I know I can't get intimate with a guy without some kind of chemistry or connection... but it seems some guys can.. if they just want to get laid that is! No, I mean physically. You know the way prostitutes can have sex with 100's of guys and not be aroused. I am just wondering if men can do the same.
stillafool Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Yes. I think most guys can have sex with a woman without 'chemistry', it's just a question of whether they want to bother. (eg, if there are no better options). I've heard the opposite about women -- that they need some chemistry or it just ain't gonna happen, so your comment is actually more interesting. Care to elucidate? See Post #19.
carhill Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 No, I mean physically. You know the way prostitutes can have sex with 100's of guys and not be aroused. I am just wondering if men can do the same. By definition, in order to have effective intercourse, a man must become 'aroused' sexually. A man can ejaculate with a flaccid penis, but the act of ejaculation itself is based on chemistry consistent with arousal. So, can a man have 'sex' with a woman and not feel aroused? Unlikely
sunshine2008 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I recently started dating a guy back in February... it was casual up until end of March when he asked me to be in a relationship with him. He is a wonderful guy... treats me like a princess, all i could possibly ask for if i was to write a list stating what i was looking for in a man. But something just hasn't clicked!!! We still havent slept together yet... which i think is a good thing, shows that he respects me. But i am not sure if i could immagine it either. My last relationship was very dominated by my ex partner... where as this time i feel i have all control. I feel that everything is in my power this time round and as i still have feelings for my ex i think i am walking all over him. I feel like it is more of a chore to go out with him sometimes, as he is very needy and would like to spend every second with me. I am not used to this and i like my own space. When i have talked to my friends they say that i am only attracted to the bad ones. This maybe true... but i know that this man could be a great potenial partner for my future. I am very confused, should i end it? Or continue to see if the 'click' develops?? xx
carhill Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 IMO, you shouldn't be dating someone, especially someone you feel little or no attraction for, while you still have feelings for your ex. Being 'in control' has a price, and you'll pay it later, and perhaps not even with your current dating partner. I would suggest that you see this current person as a healthy sign that you're not over your ex yet. Heal some more, then try dating again.
Recommended Posts