My girlfriend is pregnant and it’s not mine

[Sikabopha]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Hi Folks,[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I know it's a bit too long, but please be patient and read, your advices is needed A.S.A.P.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]My girlfriend is pregnant and it’s not mine. We’ve been dating for more than 5 years. After I discovered she was cheating about 5 months ago, I decided to end the relationship as it was not happening for the 1st time in our relationship. In less than a month’s time after we separated, we tried to talk things over again and take things slow until we were better again, but this time around things ended again in a very ugly way. After suspecting that I was cheating (I was not dating her though) with another girl staying next-door my apartment, she started a fight with me, burnt my clothes (and burnt herself in the process), broke some of my furniture, she then took off with my keys and left my apartment in a complete mess. After this incident, she text me the following day, saying she was so over me and couldn’t believe she wanted to have kids with me; I accepted this and was damn sure that I did not want to see her ever again. A month later, she began texting me, checking if I was okay. At first I did not reply to any of her text message nor did I return her missed calls. She kept on bugging me until this other day I decided to call her, we spoke on the phone as if nothing had happen to us, it felt like the good all days, and she invited me to her place. When I got there it became so emotional, we kissed, hugged, made love, it was so special. Now, we were talking about fixing things and give it a try again, but she was in a relationship with another guy whom she met after we separated and I was also in another relationship. We decided we gonna end those relationships and move on with our lives.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]When I 1st saw her I could see that she had gained some weight and from time to time she would feel like vomiting, showing signs of a pregnant woman. We decided that she do a home pregnancy test, the test came back positive, we then went to a doctor to confirm, and yes she was 7 weeks pregnant. 7 weeks prior to these tests we were still separated, which meant the baby is not mine. I was so terrified; we sat and spoke about any possible solution. She then came with the idea of aborting the baby, so that we can start afresh with our lives and move on. She said she was willing to sacrifice her unborn baby (after trying for so long to have a baby) just to be with me. She told me she has changed now, and that all that happened has only helped her to be a much better person. I love her so much, she completes me, and it will kill me to see her having another man’s baby. Should I allow this (aborting the baby) to happen so that I can be the woman I love and be happy like I used to be? My family and friends are also not making it easier for me as they no longer approve of her, after the things she did to me in the past. Should I give her another chance and be happy? What if she has not changed? Please folks I need to make up my mind A.S.A.P your advices will be much appreciated.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Regards,[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Confused.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[phineas]

Is this for real?

she cheated on you.

she set your clothes on fire because you wouldn't let her keep cheating on you.

 

told you she was done with you.

 

Then after some looser knocks her up she calls you & you come crawling back?

 

she just wants some fool to support her & her baby.

Another mans baby.

 

why on earth would you have anything more to do with her?

[TaraMaiden]

here's the deal:

You can't make your mind up, so you're asking us to do it for you.

So I'm doing that.

 

Aborting the baby is completely selfish, heartless and cruel.

However, should you decide to go ahead, seek really, all the right motives, and ensure that the reasons you abort the baby tick every box and are 100% right, justified and explicable.

Anything that contradicts aborting this baby, will tell you it's a wrong and totally pointless decision.

 

I suspect the reason she wishes to abort are purely self-serving.

 

so this is what you do.

you encourage her to go ahead and have the baby.

Abortion is neither fair, nor justified, and it's not a decision she should take on a whim.

 

You establish paternity.

 

You get the father to take responsibility and help support the child.

You tell her that if this is to work, she has to be completely faithful and work at it 100% and do whatever it takes to make it right.

If she's going to be a mother, then she has to really grow a spine, wise up, be mature and take the consequences of her actions on the chin.

 

Otherwise - you turn around, walk away and let her clear up her own crap in any way she chooses.

 

This second option is by far the wisest one, you understand.....

[123BeachFan]

First thing: 7 weeks pregnant does not mean that she had the sexual act which caused her pregnancy 7 weeks. ago. The clock starts from the first day of her last period. So, it's more likely it was more like 5 weeks ago, though there's more of a "window" there of 6-4 weeks that needs to be considered (since sperm can live for a few days, and the time of ovulation can vary).

 

I agree with Tara, only a paternity test can tell for certain.

 

However, this woman you describe sounds horrid. She burns your stuff, she burns herself. She sounds violent, self absorbed, and immature. And she starts warming up to you to get back together now that she's pregnant. Hmm.

 

Definitely, step up to the plate if this is your baby, and be a father. But you don't have to be a boyfriend too.

[boogieboy]

Let her get the abortion, you dont need to bring a child into the world when it will be automatically resented- which you will do if you have to track down the father. Plus, you cant stay with her, whatever was missing in the relationship that caused her to cheat the first time, it will happen again. Maybe she got bored, maybe there were things you didnt do for her emotionally, but it will happen again when she gets bored again. Youre only together because you couldnt deal with the pain of being apart. Thats not a reason to stay together.

[BubbleFreak]

Do you know for sure that you are not the father?

 

If you are sure, the responsibility to decide whether or not to abort the baby is not yours. That tough decision is hers, and the baby's biological father.

 

If you try and make a decision for her, she could potentially blame you for whatever the outcome is. A) She aborts under the guise it is to start afresh with you, you have relationship problems again, break up. She blames you. B) She keeps the baby, you become the legal guardian of the child, you have relationship problems again, break up. She blames you (and other ramifications of splitting up with a child in the mix).

 

Of course if she chooses to have the baby, and paternity tests show it is your baby after all, then you have to be a good father to the baby (but you do not have to be in a relationship with its mother).

 

But if you are still very sure it is not your baby, and unless you are willing to stay in a relationship with her forever more, don't make this decision for her. It's only to your disadvantage if you do.

 

You've told us the horrible things she has done to you. Do you really want to run the risk of her doing those things to you again? If it was me I would walk away.

[jthorne]

You can say all you want about whether she should have an abortion or not, but it's her body, and ultimately she is the one that will make the final decision.

 

She doesn't sound like a person who is very stable, and can take care of herself, much less a baby. But terminating a pregnancy because the paternity is uncertain, or because she wants to "start over" with you doesn't seem well thought out.

 

If she was not pregnant, would you be giving your relationship another chance? If not, I'd step back. Like another poster said, you can be a father (if indeed you are the father, which seems unlikely) without being a boyfriend.

[EasyHeart]

Search the term "Borderline Personality Disorder".

 

Then run away from this woman as fast as you can.

[EmperorR]

Run I was in your situation.

 

She was Going to abort I told her up to you, she kept it and you know what happaned? After the baby was born baby father pops up for the first time I get kicked to the curb.

 

Don't waste your time on a dumb unstable woman like this

 

run

[O'Malley]

The pregnancy and the option of abortion is for her to decide. Ask that she provide you with the paternity results if she decides to have the child and then stay out of the picture completely until that time. No texts, no calls, no fire starting. No response from you to any of her pleas or threats.

 

From what you've posted, the fetus is quite disposable to both of you if it doesn't have your DNA, but if it is yours, it suddenly is viewed as the glue that is going to bind your dysfunctional relationship. Neither of you seems to have grasped the responsibilities you would have to take on to be good parents. And even if she has the child and it's yours, you would still have the option to walk away, but the child would be stuck in a situation not of it's own making, but where it bears the brunt of the ramifications.

Edited April 20, 2010 by O'Malley