bluebird25 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I have to say that my self-esteem started to wither away a year into my relationship with my boyfriend. He was my first boyfriend, my first everything. I was 23 when I finally held hands with a guy for the first time in my life, when I finally had my first kiss and shortly after, I finally had sex (I should have waited). We loved each other passionately for that first year. He told me he never loved anyone until he met me, and I know he was sincere. And on our first year anniversary, we decided to live together. Looking back in hindsight, I know that we moved our relationship way too quickly. Too quickly. But I didn't care, nor did he. We were in love. We never felt these range of emotions and intensity before. It was the first. The first where you don't know how to feel so you choose to feel everything. Shortly after moving in, I came upon his email, where he responded to multiple ads on craigslist for casual encounters. I was devastated and heartbroken. He told me that he was so sorry, that it was a mistake, that he would never proceed to go through with it. I was in love, I didn't want to let him go, I didn't want to wait this long to give my heart to someone to have it end so abruptly in a span of 1 year. So I took him back, and we worked our way through to getting our relationship back. And then, 6 months later, I caught him again responding to craigslist. And this time, he confessed everything - how he slept with 3 girls from that site 6 months into our relationship, and slept with 1 girl 2 weeks before I found out. I couldn't breathe. He lied. He was lying the entire time. And now, I am coping, particularly with my loss of my self-esteem. My head is always muddled with thoughts. Why I wasn't enough for him sexually. I think about all the times he rejected me for sex, saying that he was too tired, and that I was too aggressive when I initiated for it. He stopped initiating near the latter months of our relationship. He watched porn every day. All these signs - to say that he wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore, and had to look elsewhere. I know that I shouldn't fall into helplessness. But there are some moments when I feel so weak. I waited this long because I had respect for myself, and believed that no man was good enough for me. He was clearly a blip from what I believed all my life. And now, I have no self-esteem. I am insecure. I haven't felt desirable or wanted by him for a long time now, and being cheated on just exacerbates these feelings. This is a long thread. I don't know why I'm writing this. Perhaps some words of comfort. Someone to empathize for being the same situation. Anything. I am grieving tonight - over the death of my first relationship, over the death of my belief system, over the death of who I used to be.
cp3_panda Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 NO. dont ever feel like you are inadequate even if your situation.. I mean my ex cheated on me for a myriad of reasons and I personally feel that when a female cheats on a male.. it is a lot worse. With a male, their ego and self-esteem get crushed. They feel like they are no longer a man. For a while, I went through those feelings. I wondered why I just was not good enough for her and why despite all the GOOD things i did for her; she could ever do that to me.. AND IT WAS A 4 YEAR relationship. But then I realized, although it may partially have been our fault for not filling their void; it is DEFINITELY not because we are not good enough. Dont ever tell yourself that. I know your self-esteem is shot and even though I have been single for a little over a month now, my self-esteem isn't near how it was before I was in the relationship either. I can see from your post that you are an articulate and thoughtful, caring person. DO NOT let someone like your ex hurt you the way that you are hurting right now. A friend once told me, "You know you are in a ****ty place when someone can kill you emotionally without doing a single thing". When she told me that, I realized that what she said was true. Try to move on. I bet you that when you have moved on, he will realize his mistake!
Author bluebird25 Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 Thank you for the reply, panda. I became so insecure after I found out the first time around. He would always tell me not to be so insecure, and I would always take it to improving myself as his girlfriend, that an insecure girlfriend is unattractive. Until now, I never realized that he was a source to my insecurities all along. It's such a cliche, but love is so blind. It still is, in a way. There are moments when I feel that we should give it another chance. That he has truly seen how much he's hurt me and that he would never take me for granted ever again. I try and justify it by believing that all his acts in the last 2 years were not fake, that his displays of affection were genuine and that he did want to take care of me as much I wanted to take care of him. That in spite of all the lies and deception and betrayal, there is still some good in him somewhere, deep inside. It's crazy to think like that! To subject myself to such disrespect by considering such an option! And that's how I know my self-esteem is at an all-time low. It started to dissipate after I found out the first time, where I never really gained back the trust I had for him, but to finally confirm what I was always afraid of - that he physically cheated on me four times - it kills me every time. To even consider taking him back, knowing what he did to me, is beyond self-deprecating. It's weak. My self-esteem is so low that I would still want to put up with him and his treatment. I hate him for what he did. It is as if it was another person who did these things. Where is the person that I loved and trusted? Trust is something you give to someone so that he/she can use it on you someday.
cp3_panda Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I mean I totally agree with you about the trust thing. Trust me.. after being in a relationship with someone for 4 years.. u feel like they could be completely open to you and at least be honest with you. I have the deepest regret that she could not have been honest and either a) broken up with me before she got with the other guy or b) tried to fix what we had and stop talking to the other person. I mean.. a month later.. I am at a point where i still think about what COULD have been, and I still have a little of hope left. But when i think about it logically as well as for my own self esteem, I would not take her back. And I am very steadfast in that resolve. I feel that knowing the type of person she is.. she will probably never contact me again.. and in a way I am glad. It is a chapter of my life that I do not have to open again since I can look back and understand WHAT really WENT WRONG. But I totally feel your pain. There are just those certain moments where I feel weak and lonely. I think that as time passes by.. and you actually be YOU again.. not YOU GUYS together. Things will work out
EmperorR Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I've been cheated on and I took her back and it just continued and continued. That's how these scum are once they do it to you once they have no respect for you and do it to you time and time again.
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Easier said that done, but don't let HIS problems becomes YOURS. The fact he cheated does not mean that you are inadequate, sexually or in any other way. It means HE was. He was an inadequate boyfriend because he cheated and lied. People that chronically and compulsively feel the need to cheat when in a relationship, rather than just be single and play the field, have a problem; problems with self-esteem, with ego, perhaps they are self-destructive, or risk takers. But it is NOT your fault. Its so hard to be hurt and think you did nothing to deserve it, especially if you're self esteem is low, but it is NOT your fault. You are a rare breed of person who believes sex and love are special and waited. Do not beat yourself up for that. We can only control ourselves and not what others do.
Author bluebird25 Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 Even after a night's rest, I still woke up today feeling that it's going to be a hard day to get through. And I have one final tomorrow, and another one the day after. Wonderful replies. Thank you all.
Author bluebird25 Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 Nikki, you really got to the points. He said I was his best because we were intimate. And he threw it all away for moments of instant gratification and empty sex. Only a person with no self-respect would do that to someone they claim to love and care for. He was weak. And I shouldn't have to be weak, like him, or disrespectful, like him, or narcissistic, like him. I look at him as sleazy and creepy today. These perceptions I have of him change moment by moment. It's quite a tornado of feelings.
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