shadowplay Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I know it's silly, but on some level I feel like I'm in a race with my ex to heal as fast or faster than he does, a race I know I will lose because he's already so detached. (He broke up with me two weeks ago.) Does anyone else feel weak because it's taking a long time to move on, and wonder why the other person is able to so easily, when it seemed like you had a deep, meaningful relationship? I feel like I'm defective in some way, because I should be healing faster than I am.
skydiveaddict Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 dont worry you are normal I feel exactly the same way
USMCHokie Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Does anyone else feel weak because it's taking a long time to move on, and wonder why the other person is able to so easily, when it seemed like you had a deep, meaningful relationship? Shadow, I spent the better part of half a year feeling like this after my breakup in July...that I was weak...and that I was the only one that cared about the relationship...and after I found out she started dating someone new only a month after the breakup, I felt like I had to do everything in my power to "catch up" and get over her just as she got over me... Then I realized that what she does with her life no longer has anything to do with my life...that relationship meant the world to me, and if it takes you or me a little longer to get over it, then so be it...I only started to truly heal when I got rid of the notion that I was in a footrace with my ex to get over the relationship...because I was doing it for me...not for her or for some conceived competition... So stop comparing yourself to him...once you let go of that, I can confidently say that things will start to get better and easier...
nolanola Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Oh my gosh, yes. I still feel that way. I feel pathetic some times because my ex and I have been broken up for two years and I still cry about it from time to time. I especially feel pathetic when I imagine that he has moved on to other relationships and yet I still think about him everyday. But- as my dad always says: never judge someone's insides by their outsides. You never know what someone is thinking about or feeling. They may be hurting on the inside or their time to hurt may come later (when you get over them or their rebound relationship ends). Last week, as I was feeling like my ex doesn't give a crap about me, I saw him driving near my house. I can't be sure, but it wouldn't be the first time he drove past my house. Even though it's childish it makes me feel better and less pathetic to know that he still thinks about me. Anyway, you don't know what your ex is feeling, and honestly it doesn't matter. It's your job to focus on yourself and keep moving forward.
onewillburn Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I've had similar feelings. It wasn't necessarily fear that I wouldn't move on as quickly (I figured she must be ahead in that race since she broke up with me), but fear that she would do better than me. It taught me a lot about myself and my nature of being competitive. I've since put it to better use than caring about what an ex-girlfriend thinks. As an aside, there are going to be plenty of times where you feel like you've healed. But then you'll hit a period of lows where you just feel lonely or sad again. But eventually, and this has happened to me recently, you'll get to a point where you really just don't care about that person anymore. Like, it would be very easy to turn this person away or see them in public and not give a crap. You get to a point where even if this ex sees you at your worst, you don't care. Because you don't care what they think. It's a beautiful feeling. It might coincide with the fact that not only is my life kind of exciting again (and my motivation seems to be increasing), but I've met a few girls that I actually like and can get close with emotionally (I had made some previous threads about how I had trouble getting close with people since the break up). Key word...a "few". Don't be afraid to play the field a little before you settle down again. Just a word of advice.
Author shadowplay Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 The worst is when your ex tells you it's time to move on. When I saw my ex this week, he told me several times to try to move on. He said it in a gentle way, but there was something incredibly condescending and irritating about it. I felt like saying "you broke broke my heart in the most callous way possible two weeks ago, douchebag. Who are you to tell me to move on?!"
Author shadowplay Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 But eventually, and this has happened to me recently, you'll get to a point where you really just don't care about that person anymore. Like, it would be very easy to turn this person away or see them in public and not give a crap. You get to a point where even if this ex sees you at your worst, you don't care. Because you don't care what they think. It's a beautiful feeling. Congrats! I can't WAIT to have that feeling.
SadandConfusedWA Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 It took me 2 years to get over my ex. I am so over him now, that he got married recently and it didn't even put a dent in my mood that day. I truly couldn't care less. I even looked thorugh his wedding pictures on FB and felt completly detached. The only thought I had was that the girl seems nice and I felt sorry for her. My ex is seriously F up...I also felt very, very happy not to be in her place.
EthanH Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 This is exactly how I'm feeling. But I think I am at the stage just before you, because I was starting to move on in many ways... well at least I wasn't miserable all the time and was getting on with my life, and then we met up, got back together for a few days and now i'm back to square one (or futher back if that is possible) I will tell you that I think it goes both ways. One of the ways my ex told me she decided she wanted me back was that she saw I was getting on really well myself. My facebook wall was updated all the time, with what I was doing and the people I was spending time with wrote on my wall. She is a big facebook stalker, (she knew I had changed my info even though there was no sign of it on my wall)... and I went away to London, I did it to try and move on in many ways, couldn't stand being in the same town as her... but she told me seeing me doing so well (not that i was moving on from her, she knew I still wanted her)...more in terms of friends/career/experiences, was difficult for her to take. She told me that she found it hard to see that I was 'living my life' more than her...and that it was that week in which she missed me most...maybe it was to do with power, or maybe I did become more attractive to her because I was more confident etc... so don't think that someone breaks up with someone and doesn't care about things, usually they try to act like they don't care, but honestly, think about it, they have to live with the fact that they made the decision, and everytime they see you doing great, it makes them wonder...
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 :)I feel this way constantly. The break up has definately exposed many of my character flaws. I think its partly because i'm such an anxious person, that I am very competative and controlling. I don't want him to think I can't cope, or that he is ahead of me. At some point, I think you realise that it just doesn't matter. What you feel is what you feel. It really doesn't matter if they are coping better than you or have moved on. It feels that way at first but it doesn't. The reality is what YOU are feeling and if it takes you a long time to move on, it only shows that you REALLY cared about and loved that person; it also shows you have a loyal and faithful heart. Just because one person disconnects with ease doesn't mean we all can. I think it can be frustrating more than anything to feel you aren't moving on when the ex and other people seem to be able to so easily, but I think some of us are more sensitive, more invested, more romantic, maybe we are dreamers, and we can't move on so quickly. It will happen and you will learn a lot along the way. Also, 2 weeks is not long at all
dreamer0123 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 :)I feel this way constantly. The break up has definately exposed many of my character flaws. I think its partly because i'm such an anxious person, that I am very competative and controlling. I don't want him to think I can't cope, or that he is ahead of me. At some point, I think you realise that it just doesn't matter. What you feel is what you feel. It really doesn't matter if they are coping better than you or have moved on. It feels that way at first but it doesn't. The reality is what YOU are feeling and if it takes you a long time to move on, it only shows that you REALLY cared about and loved that person; it also shows you have a loyal and faithful heart. Just because one person disconnects with ease doesn't mean we all can. I think it can be frustrating more than anything to feel you aren't moving on when the ex and other people seem to be able to so easily, but I think some of us are more sensitive, more invested, more romantic, maybe we are dreamers, and we can't move on so quickly. It will happen and you will learn a lot along the way. Also, 2 weeks is not long at all It's so true. I feel that way about my ex. 3 weeks ago- he told me he that he didn't want to try things again- he wanted to try something "new" which makes me strongly believe that he's seeing someone else.. and I was frustrated... because I couldn't understand how he would throw everything away... but that's exactly what it is. I really cared- I really love him ...and I was frustrated because I couldn't understand how he could just 'forget' about everything so fast...but that's his life and his choices.. not mine. I just really want to realize what he missed out on...
annxxdisaster Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I know it's silly, but on some level I feel like I'm in a race with my ex to heal as fast or faster than he does, a race I know I will lose because he's already so detached. (He broke up with me two weeks ago.) Does anyone else feel weak because it's taking a long time to move on, and wonder why the other person is able to so easily, when it seemed like you had a deep, meaningful relationship? I feel like I'm defective in some way, because I should be healing faster than I am. Ohh yes. I've had that feeling of being defective many, many times. And the one about it being a race and at times (even a bit now) I'll size up potential dates as to whether or not they will "beat" him as a person/boyfriend. It doesn't even matter if I think he'd actually care or not. Then, I started to realize something and it's taking me a bit to truly accept it, that if it's taking me longer that is okay. Chances are (and for me I know it's true) I'm dealing with other issues that I used a relationship to cover up and ignore. Detaching yourself from someone/your feelings for them is not always truly healing, and when I tried to do that it only made my next relationship suffer. Another good thing to remember is that things are usually not what they seem.
This Hurts Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I know EXACTLY how this feels like. She got a new bf right away, she's out being social and partying. And where am I? Trying my damn hardest to cope and see some light. I see her having such an easy time just sliding through this breakup and while I'm practically dying. I feel so worthless when I can't find someone to hang out with so I'm forced to stay at home. I even feel worthless when I'm home studying or doing homework. Because I know she's out there socializing and having a good time. So I try to go out as much as possible and try to move on faster than her or at the same pace, at least. My biggest fear (and I'm sure this is also the reason why a lot of people feel this way) is being left behind. I'm afraid of her being able to move on and live her happy little life, while I'm over here grieving and dwelling. Then I realized that what she does with her life no longer has anything to do with my life...that relationship meant the world to me, and if it takes you or me a little longer to get over it, then so be it...I only started to truly heal when I got rid of the notion that I was in a footrace with my ex to get over the relationship...because I was doing it for me...not for her or for some conceived competition... This says it all. When you realize this is when your REAL recovery begins. Everything before is like a preparation.
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