Overcoming commitment phobia

[robaday]

Hey all,

 

Toward end of my last relationship I realized I was severely commitment phobic. To the extent that I dissaciated from reality, and had panic attacks which made me throw up-this was going on for the last two months of the relationship.

 

I did tell my current girlfriend at the time that this was the case-I know, not particularly encouraging, and to be fair she was pretty understanding. Since the end of it, I have sought therapy (again).

 

I do have a history of OCD, and the panic attacks consisted of wanting to break up with her on a daily basis to prevent hurting her later. But the reality was I was actually hurting her far more by staying with her when this was going on.

 

When I was with her everything was great, I mean really great, but as soon as she'd left I realized I'd wasted a whole weekend with her (a result of mistaken beliefs on my part).

 

I began finding flaws with her until she actually shut off emotionally around me. It was horrible, I wanted to love her but was so screwed up that I always felt I was hurting her because I could not give her the future she wanted.

 

How have people overcome this? Is this really messed up? I was in severe pain for the last two months of the relationship

[D-Lish]

Hey all,

 

Toward end of my last relationship I realized I was severely commitment phobic. To the extent that I dissaciated from reality, and had panic attacks which made me throw up-this was going on for the last two months of the relationship.

 

I did tell my current girlfriend at the time that this was the case-I know, not particularly encouraging, and to be fair she was pretty understanding. Since the end of it, I have sought therapy (again).

 

I do have a history of OCD, and the panic attacks consisted of wanting to break up with her on a daily basis to prevent hurting her later. But the reality was I was actually hurting her far more by staying with her when this was going on.

 

When I was with her everything was great, I mean really great, but as soon as she'd left I realized I'd wasted a whole weekend with her (a result of mistaken beliefs on my part).

 

I began finding flaws with her until she actually shut off emotionally around me. It was horrible, I wanted to love her but was so screwed up that I always felt I was hurting her because I could not give her the future she wanted.

 

How have people overcome this? Is this really messed up? I was in severe pain for the last two months of the relationship

 

Imagine how she felt?

Must have been doubly horrible for her to love someone that admitted to barfing at the thought of committing to them.

[monkeymaid]

this was your body telling you that something was amiss.

 

i dont know what it was, but its there. ...maybe a psychologist wil lbe able to help you. ...my ex was in a phd program for clinical psych and her specialty was somatic psychology. its the psychology of the mind/body connection and how mental trouble manifest physically, and how to reverse these sorts of things. ...i would try to find a somatic psychologist and see what they say.

[Ronni_W]

I realized I was severely commitment phobic.

What are the specifics of your phobia? Fear of being...engulfed? rejected? judged? seen as being wrong, bad or unworthy? Fear of...being happy and drama-free? failure? All the above? Something else entirely?

 

You might want to determine where in your life you are overwhelming, rejecting and/or judging your Self, and if you see yourself as wrong, bad or unworthy. Then stop doing those things that are feeding your phobia.

 

Why you are doing it to yourself as an adult most likely is cos you had it done to you as a child (by well-meaning but seriously misguided caregivers, teachers, priests, etc.) You could, but don't have to, also do family-of-origin work with your therapist.

the panic attacks consisted of wanting to break up with her on a daily basis to prevent hurting her later.

That's what you told yourself, I have no doubt. But more likely that you wanted to break up with her because you wanted to stop experiencing your phobia/fears and having panic attacks.

Part of successful therapy is to stop the self-deceptions and start being honest about yourself, with yourself.

But the reality was I was actually hurting her far more by staying with her

Again, no . That also was just your excuse for "having to" leave.

*IF* in fact she was feeling hurt at all, it would have been the result of the words and actions that you chose of your free will. And/or. Her hurt feelings would have been the result of her wanting-needing more from you than you wanted to or could give; her unrealistic expectations, in other words.

 

Good news is, yes, people have successfully overcome every type of fear and phobia. The challenge is that it will need your commitment to therapy, the therapeutic process and, most importantly, you need to commit to being deeply-brutally self-honest during your self-explorations.

 

Best of luck - you CAN do it because you WANT to do it, yes?

[Ilovecake]

Hey all,

 

Toward end of my last relationship I realized I was severely commitment phobic. To the extent that I dissaciated from reality, and had panic attacks which made me throw up-this was going on for the last two months of the relationship.

 

I did tell my current girlfriend at the time that this was the case-I know, not particularly encouraging, and to be fair she was pretty understanding. Since the end of it, I have sought therapy (again).

 

I do have a history of OCD, and the panic attacks consisted of wanting to break up with her on a daily basis to prevent hurting her later. But the reality was I was actually hurting her far more by staying with her when this was going on.

 

When I was with her everything was great, I mean really great, but as soon as she'd left I realized I'd wasted a whole weekend with her (a result of mistaken beliefs on my part).

 

I began finding flaws with her until she actually shut off emotionally around me. It was horrible, I wanted to love her but was so screwed up that I always felt I was hurting her because I could not give her the future she wanted.

 

How have people overcome this? Is this really messed up? I was in severe pain for the last two months of the relationship

 

It could also be that you were simply with the wrong person for you and even though you denied that to yourself your brain knew it and was trying to send you a message. At least that's what happens to me when I have relationship panic attacks. It's usually because I'm trying to suppress feelings.