Did I completely botch this?

[liebchen]

First, I'm not sure I've posted this in the correct forum. I trust someone will let me know if I haven't.

 

Secondly, here's some background: I'm 33, he's 31. We've been in an on-again, off-again relationship for seven years (currently on, although I'm not sure for how much longer). We're both in the middle of career changes and a redirection of our educational goals, and I definitely credit him with inspiring me to give this aspect of my life some much-needed attention. In a sense, we're both late bloomers; we both found ourselves in lucrative careers before we completed our degrees, but we both lost those jobs within six months of each other, and it's been a constant struggle (more so for me) to find suitable employment in the fields in which we once excelled. So, long story short, we're both college students working full-time to support ourselves.

 

We're both at a point in our college careers where reviewing grad school options is not only prudent, but necessary (he's going after an MBA, I'm pursuing a Ph.D.). Our university houses a fairly well-esteemed (and competitive) graduate program in my chosen field of study. He'll probably need to go elsewhere, which is fine. I figure that if I've stuck with this for seven years, I could theoretically stick with it forever*. That's not really the issue. The issue is the fact that while I'm leaving room in my plans for him, he seems to be planning for everything except our relationship.

 

After hearing him talk about selling all his stuff and getting a roommate in order to decrease his living expenses, I finally let my suppressed emotions get the better of me and told him that hearing about all his plans, while they never fail to inspire and impress me, hurt because none of them seem to leave room for us. Furthermore, I told him that I didn't understand why we were supposedly working on our relationship if there's already an expiration date (assuming it hasn't already passed and we're already so much spoiled milk). He said he simply hadn't thought in "those terms," at which point I told him that, based solely on the age of our relationship, now might be a good time to start thinking in "those terms." He agreed, kissed me goodbye, and left. I cried, fearing I had just precipitated the sudden end of what seemed to be going well. He sent a text-heart about an hour later. I sent a very sweet, very calm email to him apologizing but firmly restating my wishes (not an ultimatum, just a request for consideration), and I've heard nothing since. This was yesterday.

 

What I'm dealing with now is this anxiety that has me checking my phone incessantly for some sign that he's thinking about this. Realistically (and sadly), I'm pretty sure he's not. I'm also pretty sure that if this is something he wanted to include in his future, he'd have done so by now, and it wouldn't require an emotionally-charged plea on my behalf.

 

I'm sure you're wondering why I've even come to an advice board; it seems I've figured it out. I suppose I'm wondering why people keep coming back to and claiming to want to work on something they don't really want. The absence of better options, I get... maybe for a time or two. But for seven years? Can one really not find better options in the better part of a decade? Also, how successfully can a dynamic shift be negotiated for the sake of saving/growing a relationship? For example, if one party has been the pursuer for years, would stopping the pursuit lead to the other party feeling the need to pick up the slack? Or would it simply fizzle out, since the pursuer was the only one keeping the relationship alive in the first place?

 

I'm not terribly conflicted over this, actually, and my early prediction is that a follow-up to this post will be a solicitation for advice on how to get over someone who has been such a massive part of my life for so long. Still, I love the man, warts and all, and would go (and have gone) through the wringer to save this.

 

In case my original post was too long, here's the abstract:

 

I'm in a relationship old enough to be in the second grade, if it were a child. It's on-again, off-again, but currently on and working. The boyfriend is currently making a lot of plans that don't include me, I balked and asked for him to start considering including me in those plans. Boy agreed and left. I began to wonder if I've done the right thing, or if I should've just interpreted his failure to include me in his plans as a lack of interest in doing so. I'm currently planning for the end but still holding out enough hope to seek advice here.

 

Thanks!

 

 

* - I was previously married and already have one awesome child (she's 10), so while I'd like to have other children, it's not the priority it once was. The biological clock starts to slow down after 30, I've found. Heh.

[123BeachFan]

Well, seven years is a long time to contribute to a relationship that is seemlingly at a stand still. You gave a lot of history about your careers and your school situation, but not so much detailed history on the relationship itself. Maybe that's the problem (the relationship hasn't been a focus).

 

You have known him long enough to be able to sit down and have a heart-to-heart. What is it that you want from him at this point? To move in together? To live in the same town? To fix the issues that most recently broke the two of you up? (and sharing that information on the boards here might help to get the right kind of advice).

 

Did you two break up, and just quasi- get back together? Or, are there still unresolved resentments and deal breakers that no one is talking about?

 

Time commitment in itself isn't indication of a healthy relationship. Is the relationship worth saving, or are you just kicking yourself for wasting 7 years on a dead end deal...

[D-Lish]

Or would it simply fizzle out, since the pursuer was the only one keeping the relationship alive in the first place?

 

 

This, above.

 

If it's come to the point in the relationship where you are the only one giving, it's time to move away from the relationship.

[liebchen]

Beachfan: Sorry about that. The career focus is new. I've fixated quite a bit on our relationship for a while, which -- as I recognize -- is part of the problem. The central issue in our relationship is the dynamic I alluded to in my original post. If I'm interested, he pulls away. If I pull away, he freaks out and becomes an absolute dream for the exact amount of time it takes to convince me this is safe, and I let my guard down. He loses interest, rinse, repeat. Rather than breakups and quasi-reconciliations, it's been quasi-breakups and actual reconciliations. That dynamic ultimately leads to frustration for me, I vent, he needs a break... only to come back to it.

 

As for what I want, I think it's safe to say I would like to be married eventually. Not today, but I definitely want that. Before we reach that point, however, I absolutely want resolution for the issues we've had that have never really been resolved so much as swept under the rug. It keeps being danced around and the focus is always shifted elsewhere (by him initially; I follow suit when I see it's pointless to address it).

 

The more I write about this, the more I see I'm not really losing much besides an incredible time investment, and if he doesn't end it, I should probably just pull the plug myself. It's hard, though. Knowing and doing require two completely different kinds of energy, and I feel I've reached a milestone in acquiring the former. I love him and it is difficult for me to imagine a life without him, but as long as we're together (without counseling of some sort) I'll probably spend all eternity either fearing he's about to throw up another wall or becoming disgusted and erecting one of my own. :/

 

D-Lish: Too right. *sigh*

[123BeachFan]

Beachfan: Sorry about that. The career focus is new. I've fixated quite a bit on our relationship for a while, which -- as I recognize -- is part of the problem. The central issue in our relationship is the dynamic I alluded to in my original post. If I'm interested, he pulls away. If I pull away, he freaks out and becomes an absolute dream for the exact amount of time it takes to convince me this is safe, and I let my guard down. He loses interest, rinse, repeat. Rather than breakups and quasi-reconciliations, it's been quasi-breakups and actual reconciliations. That dynamic ultimately leads to frustration for me, I vent, he needs a break... only to come back to it.

 

Ah yes. I know this one well. My best friend calls it "Come Closer. Now Go Away." The behavior of a commitment phobe. I've been there, done that, tore up the T-shirt. It will continue like this as long as you let it. He will sit on the fence forever, and you can't fix him.

 

Best to walk away instead of investing another 7 years with this man. I'm sorry.

[liebchen]

We talked briefly and he says he's interested in working on things and giving the future an honest thought. Why can't I buy that?

 

I know why. Because it's not actually for sale. It's never been, nor will it ever be... at least not to me. His commitment phobia will die the moment he finds a woman he wants to give himself to in that manner, and even though it cuts me like a knife, I know it to be true. I suppose I'm still trying to find ways to become that woman.

 

How does one find the strength in these situations to just walk away? You love someone dearly but finally reach the conclusion that even though they say they're interested in working on the relationship, it's all one big, fat platitude? Why can't that realization give one the strength to call it a day? I am an attractive, intelligent woman, and I do not suffer from a lack of attention from the opposite sex (although being over 30 puts me at odds with 90% of the males with whom I interact these days). It's just that the thought of being with anyone else right now (or, really, ever) makes me want to shut down completely. Lock myself in my apartment, become a hermit, that kind of thing. The past seven years have found me looking increasingly crazy/delusional to nearly everyone I know as I've waited for his words and his actions to meet, and I don't know how to reverse that perception.

 

Jesus. I look back at all this and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I have never been the type of woman to make so many concessions for a man, to sit and wait for much of anything. This situation is killing me, I know it. Still, it's not enough, and I continue to cling fiercely to my delusions.

 

Anyone dealt with this? How did you get through it without falling apart? Should I make a new thread?

 

Thanks and apologies in advance.