Author 123BeachFan Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 Forget about the FWB thing... like I said, you both have to agree that's what it is... and I don't think it's what you want it to be, right? or you wouldn't have done the little when I said I thought you were in a "relationship". And no, you shouldn't have to ask him either... he needs to come to that conclusion on his own. All you can do now is hang back... maybe be a little less available? not to play games but to protect your heart... just some advice from someone who's been in a similar situation... What I really want is the assurance that it's -okay- if I fall for this guy. Because it's a perfect storm for that...he has all the qualities I'd want in a mate and then some. I'm not looking for a life long commitment, but rather a sign that he might be looking for the same thing I am, and that he's not going to go running for the hills if he thinks I'm getting too attached to him. And I get such mixed messages from him...he calls me a couple times/day. When I go out with friends for happy hour, he wants to know who was there. He follows up on my day-to-day stuff, showing me that he cares. And yet, I really don't know where I stand with him. I just need the nerve to do like xRJ is talking about, and confront him. Ugh.
xRJ85x Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 hmmm... I dunno... in my experience guys don't like to be pressured or put on the spot like that. What I did was hang back... and then finally I had to tell him "I think we just want different things" and didn't talk to him for a while. It took him a while but he finally came back around and told me how he missed me... it still didn't work in the long run but it was nice to hear him finally admit I did mean something to him.. without having to ask! I can't disagree, especially since you went through it haha. I'm just afraid that hanging back would only manifest her feelings more. Being that she's the one who wants more, I would assume on general principle that she's the one that's going to have to try and take it further. I'm basing this off the current situation I'm in (in love with a best friend) where I had to tell her how I felt or else it would have just stayed the way it was, and I would have been sucked deeper and deeper. Different situation, but the basis being the same where one side wants more while the other sits comfortably because they haven't put in any thought to if this could go further. Either way could work. It depends on how she would react to the distance and how he would react to serious, mature communication.
tkgirl Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 What I really want is the assurance that it's -okay- if I fall for this guy. Because it's a perfect storm for that...he has all the qualities I'd want in a mate and then some. I'm not looking for a life long commitment, but rather a sign that he might be looking for the same thing I am, and that he's not going to go running for the hills if he thinks I'm getting too attached to him. And I get such mixed messages from him...he calls me a couple times/day. When I go out with friends for happy hour, he wants to know who was there. He follows up on my day-to-day stuff, showing me that he cares. And yet, I really don't know where I stand with him. I just need the nerve to do like xRJ is talking about, and confront him. Ugh. dang I really wanted to end my night on post 1000! ok, so they say on here to not take dating advice from another girl... BUT I am a little (ok, maybe a lot!) older and a little wiser... so I still think you should let this guy figure it out on his own and not ask him... like it doesn't feel right to you to ask him, right? so there must be a reason then... IMHO!
xRJ85x Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 There's also the case that he shows how much he misses her, because of how much he misses the sex. And then she never put her true feelings out there, so if he finally decides to break it off, he's not really at fault because he had no idea she wanted something more. On a side note, this is why I will never again keep in touch with any girl I've had a one night stand with!
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 dang I really wanted to end my night on post 1000! ok, so they say on here to not take dating advice from another girl... BUT I am a little (ok, maybe a lot!) older and a little wiser... so I still think you should let this guy figure it out on his own and not ask him... like it doesn't feel right to you to ask him, right? so there must be a reason then... IMHO! 1001 posts sounds more exotic, anyhow....like 1001 Nights. And yes, I don't want to ask him. Really. Because either he says what I don't want to hear (and that's that he meant this to be only casual, sorry if I was misled, etc etc) OR I just rushed things and I didn't let it progress naturally, and in which case, I throw the whole thing off and I come across as being anxious or something. Oh, relationships are just so much easier when the guy is in pursuit. Really. xRJ, thank you for your input, and I follow exactly what you're saying.
tkgirl Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I can't disagree, especially since you went through it haha. I'm just afraid that hanging back would only manifest her feelings more. Being that she's the one who wants more, I would assume on general principle that she's the one that's going to have to try and take it further. I'm basing this off the current situation I'm in (in love with a best friend) where I had to tell her how I felt or else it would have just stayed the way it was, and I would have been sucked deeper and deeper. Different situation, but the basis being the same where one side wants more while the other sits comfortably because they haven't put in any thought to if this could go further. Either way could work. It depends on how she would react to the distance and how he would react to serious, mature communication. yep.. it could go either way.. and I know every situation is different. In my case it was very hard for me to distance myself from this guy.. I really had strong feelings for him. And as much as I wanted him to feel the same way, I knew that I needed him to figure that out on his own...
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 Okay, so I'm hearing that I either ask "where do you see this going?" at a time when I catch him off guard, but otherwise a positive cheerful moment. OR I distance myself a bit, and make myself a little less available and a little more busy doing other things, and make him have to miss me and pursue me a bit more...
tkgirl Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Okay, so I'm hearing that I either ask "where do you see this going?" at a time when I catch him off guard, but otherwise a positive cheerful moment. OR I distance myself a bit, and make myself a little less available and a little more busy doing other things, and make him have to miss me and pursue me a bit more... yep... life is about choices! I know it's hard... we are just here to give our advice... but you're the one that has to decide how to proceed. All you can do is go with your gut... and know that it's usually always right. good luck and keep us posted!
boogieboy Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 The negatives (the stuff that makes me feel more in the FWB category) is that he said he doesn't like labels and that in the past he's over analyzed relationships and it's gotten him in trouble...that I haven't met any of his friends/family yet (though he's met some of my friends)...that he hasn't retired his online dating profile as of yet (though I seriously doubt he's got time to date, and that he hasn't expressed any sort of emotion towards me. We do spend a lot of time talking, like a very in-depth "getting to know each other" sort of thing, which I really enjoy quite a bit -- that is a positive. He also appreciates my opinion on things, and takes it to heart (I like that as well). What you have here is the EXACT same situation I'm in with the woman I plan to break it off with. I'm not feelin her enough to introduce her to my friends or family, or have a label. I DEFINTELY dont express any sort of emotion towards her. I never will have real feelings for her, she just doesnt do it for me, so I will have to set her free. You really should hang back and let him miss you. Only see him half the times you normally would, and dont inform him about all of your whereabouts. Besides, him asking you where you are all the time is a pre-lude to extreme jealous behavior. Its cute now, you think he cares, but its possessive and a pain in the ass later. It doesnt always show that he cares.
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 What you have here is the EXACT same situation I'm in with the woman I plan to break it off with. I'm not feelin her enough to introduce her to my friends or family, or have a label. I DEFINTELY dont express any sort of emotion towards her. I never will have real feelings for her, she just doesnt do it for me, so I will have to set her free. You really should hang back and let him miss you. Only see him half the times you normally would, and dont inform him about all of your whereabouts. Besides, him asking you where you are all the time is a pre-lude to extreme jealous behavior. Its cute now, you think he cares, but its possessive and a pain in the ass later. It doesnt always show that he cares. Boogie, I appreciate your input and your candidness. It's helping me to understand the other side, so to speak. Let me ask you this: if you are in the EXACT same situation, and you're just not feeling it for the girl, and you never will feel it for the girl, would her pulling back from you and making you miss her change your opinion and your feelings for her? I mean, if it helps in the long run to pull back, then I'll do it. But if it's really more a matter of facing the truth, it's probably best (though I hate to have to do it), to just confront him and say, essentially, that I realize this is a casual thing, and I'm going to have to cut things off and bail at some point before I get too attached. And, heck, maybe saying it now (before I'm too attached, and before I bail) will get everything out in the open, and then there's no mystery about who's thinking what.
tkgirl Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Boogie, I appreciate your input and your candidness. It's helping me to understand the other side, so to speak. Let me ask you this: if you are in the EXACT same situation, and you're just not feeling it for the girl, and you never will feel it for the girl, would her pulling back from you and making you miss her change your opinion and your feelings for her? I mean, if it helps in the long run to pull back, then I'll do it. But if it's really more a matter of facing the truth, it's probably best (though I hate to have to do it), to just confront him and say, essentially, that I realize this is a casual thing, and I'm going to have to cut things off and bail at some point before I get too attached. And, heck, maybe saying it now (before I'm too attached, and before I bail) will get everything out in the open, and then there's no mystery about who's thinking what. I think it takes a lot of guts to ask a guy how he feels... if you can do it then more power to you! Just be prepared to get an answer you may not want to hear. That is why I took the hang back approach with my last guy... I figured if he really had the feelings I wanted him to have, I would know it... I wouldn't have to ask. I guess deep down I knew he didn't so I "let him go" I didn't plan on him coming around but he did.. it just wasn't enough for me... I could tell he was still holding back. So yeah, I'll say it again... I think if you have to ask someone how they feel then you already have your answer... if a guy is really into you you should already know.
boogieboy Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 (edited) Boogie, I appreciate your input and your candidness. It's helping me to understand the other side, so to speak. Let me ask you this: if you are in the EXACT same situation, and you're just not feeling it for the girl, and you never will feel it for the girl, would her pulling back from you and making you miss her change your opinion and your feelings for her? I mean, if it helps in the long run to pull back, then I'll do it. But if it's really more a matter of facing the truth, it's probably best (though I hate to have to do it), to just confront him and say, essentially, that I realize this is a casual thing, and I'm going to have to cut things off and bail at some point before I get too attached. And, heck, maybe saying it now (before I'm too attached, and before I bail) will get everything out in the open, and then there's no mystery about who's thinking what. Most of the time when you have to wonder whats going on, its really not what you would like it to be. With this woman I'm with, if she pulls back, I have no idea if I'd miss her. But since I dont want to make any future plans with her, Im pretty sure my feelings about her wont change. I think if she pulled back, I'd miss her temporarily, and afterwards I'd be back in the situation Im in now. So I'll be doing her the favor of letting her go. Hopefully for your sake the guy actually has some sort of feelings for you and isnt just using you for sex until he finds someone he likes better. Just know that he knows how you feel about him, and anything you say will be pressure that will push him further away. And if theres anything that pushes him away, he cant possibly view you as a long term girlfriend. Youre supposed to be on the same page from the beginning. Your personal situation, I dont know if pulling back will work in the long run. I know when I like someone and I know how to express it, I'm just dont want to with this woman. There could be issues with your guy. He might not know how to express it - he might have issues in this regard. But I know I deliberately dont express emotion to my gf, since I dont want to encourage her to get attached. But seriously, I wouldnt stick around waiting for someone to wise up. Edited April 20, 2010 by boogieboy
tkgirl Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 so beachfan... have you thought about how you want to proceed? I feel like I got a little hard on you... at first I was all "yeah, you are in a relationship!" and then the more I heard about your situation the more I started to doubt what I originally thought. I'm sorry... I know it's hard to be where you are at... sort of in limbo. But you will eventually get the answers from him... one way or another! and I'll be hoping it goes the way you want it to... hang in there!
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 so beachfan... have you thought about how you want to proceed? I feel like I got a little hard on you... at first I was all "yeah, you are in a relationship!" and then the more I heard about your situation the more I started to doubt what I originally thought. I'm sorry... I know it's hard to be where you are at... sort of in limbo. But you will eventually get the answers from him... one way or another! and I'll be hoping it goes the way you want it to... hang in there! Thanks TKGirl, for the followup. Honestly, I have taken the postings to heart, and have given everything great consideration. And really, bottom line is that if I have to ask, I already know the answer, right? And if I ask, it's just putting pressure on him, right? I was in a real funk yesterday, and it was probably good that I didn't see him then. I'm seeing him tonite, I'm heading over there tonite, and we're experimenting in the kitchen (really cooking, not a euphemism for anything LOL). I'm going to go in with both eyes open, try to assess if he's open at least for some communication. I'd really like to discuss with him, without accusation or insult, that I see us as a casual thing (I'd like to avoid FWB label, it's derogatory), and that at some point, I'm going to have to cut things off before I get too emotionally attached. More of a sort of "hey, I've enjoyed getting to know you, and I don't want us to end with bitterness and resentment." Because that's really where my heart is. He's a smart guy and has a lot going for him. I don't think his intention is to lead me on, and if I couch it in a way that's not threatening, I bet I can get the answer. But really, I know the answer already. Because what I've gotten from reading the boards here is that if he's not sharing his emotions and is avoiding the labels, it's because he doesn't really have a complimentary emotion or label to put on the relationship. I would like at least for him to know that I realize it's casual, and while I'm having fun, eventually I'm going to need to move on because I'm looking for something more substantial. Just how to go about doing that (communicating how I feel) is the stumper.
Twenty-ten Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 We've been "seeing" each other (as in, having a sexual dating thing) for almost 2 months now. We do have "public" dates (lunch or happy hour, shopping trips, run errands). He calls a couple times daily, we see each other 2-3 times/week. We both agreed on exclusivity maybe 2 weeks after we were having sex. Well you are definitely not in a FWB situation. That would be just sleep-over get togethers. He sees you for regular outings stays in regular contact and you do "coupley" things together, so you are definitely dating. Now whether you are committed or not, that usually figures itself out at the 2-3 month mark. Here are the things to look out for that say you are committed to each other: - he makes plans to see you every weekend - he calls you regularly just to talk and see how you are doing plus he wants to make more plans to see you - you feel confident that you can also make plans with him on weekends because he is a) free and b) doesn't make excuses not to see you - you are not left wondering when you will see or hear from him next - he sees you at least once a week and then on weekends as well - he introduces you to his friends and you have outings that involve the two sides - the most obvious one of all; he introduces you to his peeps as his "girlfriend" - lastly meet The Falkers (<----edit: hmmmmm not sure why it bleeps out the real spelling of that LOL) "The talk" is over-rated and unnecessary for the most part. You know you are in a committed relationship when all of the above aligns and you don't need to have any sort of talk because all the actions speaks for themselves.
jthorne Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I was in a real funk yesterday, and it was probably good that I didn't see him then. I'm seeing him tonite, I'm heading over there tonite, and we're experimenting in the kitchen (really cooking, not a euphemism for anything LOL). I'm going to go in with both eyes open, try to assess if he's open at least for some communication. I'd really like to discuss with him, without accusation or insult, that I see us as a casual thing (I'd like to avoid FWB label, it's derogatory), and that at some point, I'm going to have to cut things off before I get too emotionally attached. More of a sort of "hey, I've enjoyed getting to know you, and I don't want us to end with bitterness and resentment." Because that's really where my heart is. Just how to go about doing that (communicating how I feel) is the stumper.I think this is a good idea. I don't believe in playing games (making him miss you, etc.). If you want an honest relationship, you have to be honest. If you want a label, you should say so. (A guy saying he doesn't like labels is a red flag to me. If he considered you his girlfriend, he'd be proud to call you that, IMO.) If you want something less casual, you gotta speak up. It's possible that he's being overly cautious and going really slow, but you're not going to know if you don't ask.
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 Well you are definitely not in a FWB situation. That would be just sleep-over get togethers. He sees you for regular outings stays in regular contact and you do "coupley" things together, so you are definitely dating. Now whether you are committed or not, that usually figures itself out at the 2-3 month mark. Here are the things to look out for that say you are committed to each other: - he makes plans to see you every weekend - he calls you regularly just to talk and see how you are doing plus he wants to make more plans to see you - you feel confident that you can also make plans with him on weekends because he is a) free and b) doesn't make excuses not to see you - you are not left wondering when you will see or hear from him next - he sees you at least once a week and then on weekends as well - he introduces you to his friends and you have outings that involve the two sides - the most obvious one of all; he introduces you to his peeps as his "girlfriend" - lastly meet The Falkers (<----edit: hmmmmm not sure why it bleeps out the real spelling of that LOL) "The talk" is over-rated and unnecessary for the most part. You know you are in a committed relationship when all of the above aligns and you don't need to have any sort of talk because all the actions speaks for themselves. Thanks, 21. -Yes, we see each other every weekend. -He calls daily. In fact, he communicates with me 3 times/day (maybe 2 calls and an email). -He wants to know the trivial stuff about my day, and then asks later about it (example, "how was lunch with Brenda? Did she get the job?") -We are at the point of assuming we'll spend weekend time together (and at least one weeknight), it's more a matter of coordinating schedules -He's offered to join me in some social events of mine (most recently, a church retreat), though it hasn't worked out schedule-wise. BUT...he's still going on the online dating sites...I haven't met any of "his people" (family, friends, coworkers)...he hasn't referred to me as his GF...and no Falkers yet - his parents are currently out of the country (did I mention, he is Indian). My best friend says I need to take a chill pill and bite my tongue/not say anything for a good month, that he's just taking slower than I'm used to in letting things progress.
Twenty-ten Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 E-gads, Boogie boy. The guy I've been seeing said that exact thing -- he doesn't like labels. Not a good sign, is it. I missed this ^ Cool, he doesn't like labels? Next time he calls answer the phone with "hey GIRL what's up?" If he says "what are you talking about "girl!?!?" Just tell him, "well I figured it wouldn't matter if I called you girl, not like you want to be called guy either way since you don't believe in labels and all......" Better yet call him "thing" Whatev, to this guy. That right there is the major sign he is just killing time with you. I would tell him to take a hike. Labels DO matter. When we are crazy about someone we want to ensure that they are ours, and only ours, hence the use of labels.
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 Okay, JThorne and 2010...what I really need to do is just give him an ultimatum.... Give me a Label or I'm Outta Here! LOL...I guess that what it boils down to. I'm needing a label to know where I stand with him. Okay, I'm lauging, but I'm serious too...
Twenty-ten Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 -Yes, we see each other every weekend. -He calls daily. In fact, he communicates with me 3 times/day (maybe 2 calls and an email). -He wants to know the trivial stuff about my day, and then asks later about it (example, "how was lunch with Brenda? Did she get the job?") -We are at the point of assuming we'll spend weekend time together (and at least one weeknight), it's more a matter of coordinating schedules -He's offered to join me in some social events of mine (most recently, a church retreat), though it hasn't worked out schedule-wise. . Hey listen, you are certainly NOT FWBs that is for sure given what you described here throughout. But that doesn't mean that he is in falling in love with you or even considering a long term commitment with you. This may just be good enough for now, but he may have no real intentions for a LTR. How long have you been together?
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 How long have you been together? We've been together about 2 months now.
Twenty-ten Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 what I really need to do is just give him an ultimatum.... Give me a Label or I'm Outta Here! You were kidding right? Never give ultimatums they simply don't work and make you look foolish. I would simply ask him how come you have never met any of his friends? Two months is about that mark where if things are progressing, then it should go to the next level which is wanting to mesh your lives closer together. If he makes excuses there is your answer. No need for a talk, just put him to the acid test and that's all you need to know. Has he ever told you that he likes you that he enjoys time with you, etc? Does he express any sort of emotion at all?
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 You were kidding right? Never give ultimatums they simply don't work and make you look foolish. I would simply ask him how come you have never met any of his friends? Two months is about that mark where if things are progressing, then it should go to the next level which is wanting to mesh your lives closer together. If he makes excuses there is your answer. No need for a talk, just put him to the acid test and that's all you need to know. Has he ever told you that he likes you that he enjoys time with you, etc? Does he express any sort of emotion at all? I was 97% kidding on the ultimatum. I actually caught myself fishing for compliments the other day. We were kidding around about something, and I said, "oh but you still like me..." The most I've gotten is that he said once, "I like spending time with you," and another time he started gushing, "You're just so beautiful and smart and" and then said, "Oh I need to shut up before it all goes to your head." Which, really, I am perfectly okay with compliments (in fact they are essential). But no, he's lacking in the affirmation category. Either it's a personality flaw, or he's just not that into me. I like the suggestion you gave on asking how come I haven't met any of his friends? That's not too threatening, and I can weave it into tonite's conversation easily...
tkgirl Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Thanks, 21. -Yes, we see each other every weekend. -He calls daily. In fact, he communicates with me 3 times/day (maybe 2 calls and an email). -He wants to know the trivial stuff about my day, and then asks later about it (example, "how was lunch with Brenda? Did she get the job?") -We are at the point of assuming we'll spend weekend time together (and at least one weeknight), it's more a matter of coordinating schedules -He's offered to join me in some social events of mine (most recently, a church retreat), though it hasn't worked out schedule-wise. BUT...he's still going on the online dating sites...I haven't met any of "his people" (family, friends, coworkers)...he hasn't referred to me as his GF...and no Falkers yet - his parents are currently out of the country (did I mention, he is Indian). My best friend says I need to take a chill pill and bite my tongue/not say anything for a good month, that he's just taking slower than I'm used to in letting things progress. I'm agree with your friend... is the "girlfriend" label really that important? Some guys take a long time to know if they want to be in a "relationship" and some guys... like yours.. isn't into "labels".. he just sounds like he's a free spirit... that's ok! To me the label thing is over-rated... the guy I was seeing called me "his girlfriend"... once or twice! and I was like "really?" actually I didn't say anything. As much as I wanted it to be true, it didn't feel like that... we we're still getting to know each other... even though we had already um... slept together! And when I pulled back, it wasn't to play games... it was more of a self-preservation thing. Anyho.. I think maybe just go with the flow a bit longer... two months isn't that long. And the fact that he's still on the online dating site, well... that pretty much says he doesn't think you two are in a relationship... but that doesn't mean that won't change. So it's up to you.. wait it out, maybe not see him quite so much and date other guys too.. you could find someone else you like even better! So you're not in a relationship... it's not the end of the world! enjoy your freedom!
ADF Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 The difference is huge. When you enter into a relationship with someone, you implicitly promise to value them as a total person. You expect your bond with that person to deepen and strengthen over time. You make some kind of exclusive commitment to them, or at least hold out that you will, in time. Relationships are about mutual caring. FWB is just about mutual use. You're basically just using the other person as a sex android. There is no promise, implict or otherwise, of the any deepening of the relationship. There is no promise of exclusivity. FWB are often extremely limited in scope. The people just get together and have sex, nothing more.
Recommended Posts