123BeachFan Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Hi Guys, Okay, I'm curious on your opinions. What constitutes a FWB versus a relationship? Especially in the first few months two people are seeing each other.
boogieboy Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Check the answers in this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t227895/ If the guy doesnt want labels, youre an FWB.
tkgirl Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Hi Guys, Okay, I'm curious on your opinions. What constitutes a FWB versus a relationship? Especially in the first few months two people are seeing each other. it should be clear from the get-go whether you are in a committed relationship or a open FWB situation... unfortunately, some people may think they are in a relationship while their partner is thinking it's just FWB... and then the other person ends up getting burned. Not to over-generalize but usually it's the woman that ends up being the disillusioned one...
kiss_andmakeup Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 If the person introduces you to people as his/her "friend" beyond the first month or two of the relationship...you're probably a FWB. In long term, serious relationships, I've usually found that the "boyfriend"/"girlfriend" title kicks in after a month or so. By 4-6 months in, the "L" word might come into play, and I've usually met a family member/parent of theirs and they've met some of mine. Also, exclusivity is discussed and confirmed. When I've had a guy be a FWB I would never call him my boyfriend or introduce him to family members. And any mention of the "L" word would be out of the question. Actually, the details are so different, I don't get how anyone could be confused as to which they are. But then again, I've been in the driver's seat with all of my relationships, serious or FWB, so I don't have the full perspective.
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 If the guy doesnt want labels, youre an FWB. E-gads, Boogie boy. The guy I've been seeing said that exact thing -- he doesn't like labels. Not a good sign, is it.
tkgirl Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 E-gads, Boogie boy. The guy I've been seeing said that exact thing -- he doesn't like labels. Not a good sign, is it. well... how long have you been seeing this guy? if not very long I wouldn't stress it just yet. but if it's been a little while then how does he treat you? does he take you out or do you just "hang out" like go to his place have sex and then he's got "other" stuff to do?
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 well... how long have you been seeing this guy? if not very long I wouldn't stress it just yet. but if it's been a little while then how does he treat you? does he take you out or do you just "hang out" like go to his place have sex and then he's got "other" stuff to do? We've been "seeing" each other (as in, having a sexual dating thing) for almost 2 months now. We do have "public" dates (lunch or happy hour, shopping trips, run errands). He calls a couple times daily, we see each other 2-3 times/week. We both agreed on exclusivity maybe 2 weeks after we were having sex.
tkgirl Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 We've been "seeing" each other (as in, having a sexual dating thing) for almost 2 months now. We do have "public" dates (lunch or happy hour, shopping trips, run errands). He calls a couple times daily, we see each other 2-3 times/week. We both agreed on exclusivity maybe 2 weeks after we were having sex. well sweetie... congratulations! you are in a relationship!
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 well sweetie... congratulations! you are in a relationship! Phew...yay!!!
tkgirl Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Phew...yay!!! of course that's just my opinion... but it sure sounds like a relationship to me!
xRJ85x Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 We've been "seeing" each other (as in, having a sexual dating thing) for almost 2 months now. We do have "public" dates (lunch or happy hour, shopping trips, run errands). He calls a couple times daily, we see each other 2-3 times/week. We both agreed on exclusivity maybe 2 weeks after we were having sex. Not to exactly rain on the parade tkgirl set up for you, but I was in a situation just like that for longer, and it ended up with the girl dropping me after 6 months because she only wanted to be FWB and didn't want to lead me on. Just be careful.
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 Not to exactly rain on the parade tkgirl set up for you, but I was in a situation just like that for longer, and it ended up with the girl dropping me after 6 months because she only wanted to be FWB and didn't want to lead me on. Just be careful. Sorry to hear about that, xRJ. Looking back, did she give you any signs that she was wanting FWB and not a real relationship?
xRJ85x Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Sorry to hear about that, xRJ. Looking back, did she give you any signs that she was wanting FWB and not a real relationship? Thanks, it was a couple years ago so I've plenty gotten over it, but I'll never make the mistake again. The way it went down was I met her at my best friend's birthday party. We slept together that night, and I decided to keep in touch with her. After getting to know her better, she got very into me, verified by my friend. However, this was during my last semester at school, so I was very stressed out trying to graduate. There was a couple times where I blew her off because I was busy or wasn't feeling well. But she still tried to maintain contact. We kept getting together, and we did sleep together a lot, but we were legitimately dating at the same time. I got back to my normal self, and we still were going. Then she started talking about how she wanted to move farther away, which prompted me trying to do more in less time. Not too long later, she suddenly ended it (a week before my birthday too). Our mutual friends said it was wrong of her to have strung me along for so long knowing that she only wanted to be FWB, however they also said she got turned off by how I acted while I was stressed out. So overall, it was very tough to gauge. But the bottom line is to just be a little cautious, and think things twice through if you have time. I was a disaster for the next 6-8 months because of how much I really liked her. That's definitely not to say you should be paranoid with every little action though hahaha.
boogieboy Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 he doesn't like labels. Not a good sign, is it. No its not, but you probably wont stop seeing him anyway. So youll have to find out the hard way.
tkgirl Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Not to exactly rain on the parade tkgirl set up for you, but I was in a situation just like that for longer, and it ended up with the girl dropping me after 6 months because she only wanted to be FWB and didn't want to lead me on. Just be careful. didn't realize I was throwing a parade Thanks, it was a couple years ago so I've plenty gotten over it, but I'll never make the mistake again. The way it went down was I met her at my best friend's birthday party. We slept together that night, and I decided to keep in touch with her. After getting to know her better, she got very into me, verified by my friend. However, this was during my last semester at school, so I was very stressed out trying to graduate. There was a couple times where I blew her off because I was busy or wasn't feeling well. But she still tried to maintain contact. We kept getting together, and we did sleep together a lot, but we were legitimately dating at the same time. I got back to my normal self, and we still were going. Then she started talking about how she wanted to move farther away, which prompted me trying to do more in less time. Not too long later, she suddenly ended it (a week before my birthday too). Our mutual friends said it was wrong of her to have strung me along for so long knowing that she only wanted to be FWB, however they also said she got turned off by how I acted while I was stressed out. So overall, it was very tough to gauge. But the bottom line is to just be a little cautious, and think things twice through if you have time. I was a disaster for the next 6-8 months because of how much I really liked her. That's definitely not to say you should be paranoid with every little action though hahaha. that does suck xRJ85x... it sounds like that girl did some back-peddling... as in you thought you were heading towards a relationship and then when it didn't go the way she wanted it to she was like "eh, we were just FWB anyways". I've always thought FWB is somewhat of an urban myth... there's no way they can't really work...well, maybe in very rare instances. First you have to both agree that's all it is, friends that hook up once in a while to have sex while still dating other people. But eventually one person becomes more attached and then they end up getting hurt... and then you're no longer "friends".
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 You forgot to mention the part about him not wanting to put labels on this "relationship" and you have a problem with that..... Hey BoogieBoy, you're absolutely right. And I don't want to sugar coat things, but rather give the whole picture. The negatives (the stuff that makes me feel more in the FWB category) is that he said he doesn't like labels and that in the past he's over analyzed relationships and it's gotten him in trouble...that I haven't met any of his friends/family yet (though he's met some of my friends)...that he hasn't retired his online dating profile as of yet (though I seriously doubt he's got time to date, he updates me constantly on what he's doing for the day)....and that he hasn't expressed any sort of emotion towards me. We do spend a lot of time talking, like a very in-depth "getting to know each other" sort of thing, which I really enjoy quite a bit -- that is a positive. He also appreciates my opinion on things, and takes it to heart (I like that as well).
tkgirl Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Hey BoogieBoy, you're absolutely right. And I don't want to sugar coat things, but rather give the whole picture. The negatives (the stuff that makes me feel more in the FWB category) is that he said he doesn't like labels and that in the past he's over analyzed relationships and it's gotten him in trouble...that I haven't met any of his friends/family yet (though he's met some of my friends)...that he hasn't retired his online dating profile as of yet (though I seriously doubt he's got time to date, he updates me constantly on what he's doing for the day)....and that he hasn't expressed any sort of emotion towards me. We do spend a lot of time talking, like a very in-depth "getting to know each other" sort of thing, which I really enjoy quite a bit -- that is a positive. He also appreciates my opinion on things, and takes it to heart (I like that as well). hmmm... am I going to have to cancel my parade now? dang! but to me this is a red flag for sure... why does he still have a online dating profile up? and what do you mean he hasn't expressed any kind of emotion towards you? but you're sleeping together right? maybe you're not exactly FWB but it sounds like he's still keeping his options open... sorry
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 hmmm... am I going to have to cancel my parade now? dang! but to me this is a red flag for sure... why does he still have a online dating profile up? and what do you mean he hasn't expressed any kind of emotion towards you? but you're sleeping together right? maybe you're not exactly FWB but it sounds like he's still keeping his options open... sorry Red Flag...YES, I agree. I retired my profile, he's still online (and active). I told my best friend, I feel like I'm in a really polite, respectful, exclusive FWB. If there's such a thing.
txsilkysmoothe Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I told my best friend, I feel like I'm in a really polite, respectful, exclusive FWB. If there's such a thing. Yes, there is such a thing and that may be all he meant by exclusive -sexually exclusive. A man in a relationship doesn't maintain an active dating profile. The other things you described about your interactions could could just be the "friend" part of the FWB. You should seek clarification.
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 I told my best friend, I feel like I'm in a really polite, respectful, exclusive FWB. If there's such a thing. Yes, there is such a thing and that may be all he meant by exclusive -sexually exclusive. A man in a relationship doesn't maintain an active dating profile. The other things you described about your interactions could could just be the "friend" part of the FWB. You should seek clarification. I think our words were, essentially, that we would be exclusive and not see anyone else. Okay, so I'm guessing he's taking the "seeing" word literally, and that talking/texting/emailing isn't breaking the rules. I like labels (back to BoogieBoy's comments), and really like to know exactly where I stand. And I hate to have to ask.
xRJ85x Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 didn't realize I was throwing a parade hahaha It's always a parade when making positive progress in a relationship. that does suck xRJ85x... it sounds like that girl did some back-peddling... as in you thought you were heading towards a relationship and then when it didn't go the way she wanted it to she was like "eh, we were just FWB anyways". I've always thought FWB is somewhat of an urban myth... there's no way they can't really work...well, maybe in very rare instances. First you have to both agree that's all it is, friends that hook up once in a while to have sex while still dating other people. But eventually one person becomes more attached and then they end up getting hurt... and then you're no longer "friends". Yea, that's pretty much how it was. Just awful timing (which has been the story of my life since that started). What I found out is that they really can't work forever. Just as you said, they may work at the beginning, but unless both parties are heartless nymphos, one or the other develops feelings at some point in time. Even if you agree, you can't control your feelings. Besides, I dunno how you can agree lol. Do you both sit down and say "Sooo...were just gonna have sex and then not talk until the next time we're horny again?" Red Flag...YES, I agree. I retired my profile, he's still online (and active). I told my best friend, I feel like I'm in a really polite, respectful, exclusive FWB. If there's such a thing. The advice here is tough, because we can tell you to talk to him about it, but then there's the chance he may be somewhat immature and get turned off by it. But there's also the chance you continue to get more and more attached, and by the time he breaks something that hurts you, the pain is tenfold from what it would have been way back. I would say if you aren't feeling very attached right now, discuss it with him. If he runs away, then you saved par by getting out when it wouldn't really hurt, and getting away from someone who's immature relationship-wise.
Author 123BeachFan Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 The advice here is tough, because we can tell you to talk to him about it, but then there's the chance he may be somewhat immature and get turned off by it. But there's also the chance you continue to get more and more attached, and by the time he breaks something that hurts you, the pain is tenfold from what it would have been way back. I would say if you aren't feeling very attached right now, discuss it with him. If he runs away, then you saved par by getting out when it wouldn't really hurt, and getting away from someone who's immature relationship-wise. Oh, yeah. The topic I dread more than a root canal. The potential for rejection is just a real pain, isn't it? I'm thinking I just blurt it out next time..."I need a label. Pick one. F**k buddy or Girlfriend." And then make him squirm. Of course, I'll need a shot of tequila as my wingman. Because, yeah, I'm going to get attached. It's inevitable with me when I've been intimate with a guy long enough.
tkgirl Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I think our words were, essentially, that we would be exclusive and not see anyone else. Okay, so I'm guessing he's taking the "seeing" word literally, and that talking/texting/emailing isn't breaking the rules. I like labels (back to BoogieBoy's comments), and really like to know exactly where I stand. And I hate to have to ask. Forget about the FWB thing... like I said, you both have to agree that's what it is... and I don't think it's what you want it to be, right? or you wouldn't have done the little when I said I thought you were in a "relationship". And no, you shouldn't have to ask him either... he needs to come to that conclusion on his own. All you can do now is hang back... maybe be a little less available? not to play games but to protect your heart... just some advice from someone who's been in a similar situation...
xRJ85x Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 (edited) Oh, yeah. The topic I dread more than a root canal. The potential for rejection is just a real pain, isn't it? I'm thinking I just blurt it out next time..."I need a label. Pick one. F**k buddy or Girlfriend." And then make him squirm. Of course, I'll need a shot of tequila as my wingman. Because, yeah, I'm going to get attached. It's inevitable with me when I've been intimate with a guy long enough. Wanna really put him on the spot? Wait until a special moment, like either at the peak of a fun date where you get a few seconds of silence, or even after the next time you guys sleep together. You gotta hit them at the moment they realize the most that they may need you more than they really think. I can tell you, as a very mature and caring guy, I'd probably have an almost impossible time not giving it a shot if I was the guy in that situation. BTW, just to verify in relation to tk above, I'm not suggesting saying "Girlfriend or f*ck buddy" in that special situation. I'm suggesting probing his feelings hard like "Where do you see this going?" Edited April 20, 2010 by xRJ85x
tkgirl Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Wanna really put him on the spot? Wait until a special moment, like either at the peak of a fun date where you get a few seconds of silence, or even after the next time you guys sleep together. You gotta hit them at the moment they realize the most that they may need you more than they really think. hmmm... I dunno... in my experience guys don't like to be pressured or put on the spot like that. What I did was hang back... and then finally I had to tell him "I think we just want different things" and didn't talk to him for a while. It took him a while but he finally came back around and told me how he missed me... it still didn't work in the long run but it was nice to hear him finally admit I did mean something to him.. without having to ask!
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