tiffyb Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 how often does the husband choose the wife over the other woman?
BB07 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 (edited) The popular opinion is the majority of the time the husband stays with the wife, if she allows him to stay, that is. It also seems like most of the stories that you read here at LS the husband stays with the wife. I've read your other threads.......so I'm curious as to why you would be asking this question. Aren't you and your husband working things out? I'm sorry you are hurting. Edited April 20, 2010 by BB07 grammar
Author tiffyb Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 The popular opinion is the majority of the time the husband stays with the wife, if she allows him to stay, that is. It also seems like most of the stories that you read here at LS the husband stays with the wife. I've read your other threads.......so I'm curious as to why you would be asking this question. Aren't you and your husband working things out? I'm sorry you are hurting. just curious to know am i in the majority thats all. yes were trying to work things out, but its hard on me, ya know? each day brings a new and different challenge, and new and different questions. i have good days and bad. thank you for your reply
BB07 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 just curious to know am i in the majority thats all. yes were trying to work things out, but its hard on me, ya know? each day brings a new and different challenge, and new and different questions. i have good days and bad. thank you for your reply I wish you all the best tiffy.....and I hope things calm down soon and you both get things resolved quickly.
turnstone Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 After the exposure of the affair, the husband, in my opinion, has lost his rights to choose anything. In my case, despite my husband begging me over and over and over to forgive him and come back to him, I chose not to and left him wholeheartedly, but I am not saying every BS has to do that. What I do advocate is losing the mindset where the husband has any control over the BS's life. His bad choices have shown him to be someone who cannot be trusted to consider his wife's best interests, therefore he relinquishes any influence over her. If the couple wish to work it out (and it seems that most husbands once caught want to do just that), it really needs to be on the wife's terms, at least for the most part. If the husband is vacillating between 'choosing' the wife or his OW, then the wife needs to make the choice for him and remove him from her life. OP, I know you weren't exactly asking the question that the above is answering, but I get the feeling you need a reminder that yes, you do have control of your life.
OWoman Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 how often does the husband choose the wife over the other woman? In my case, he chose to leave the BW - but there was no DDay. He simply told her, and left. I suspect that where there is a Dday, unless it was engineered by the MM, the dice are loaded in favour of him wanting to stay with the BW, because he's not yet ready to leave (if he's at all wanting to). If he was ready to leave, chances are he'd do so - without a DDay (unless he feels the need to engineer one, to have the BW "kick him out", so that he looks / feels like less of a bad guy for walking out on his family). If, after a DDay, the BW kicks him out and he ends up with the OW, he's still in a position of not having "chosen" and may well flip-flop or doubt that R.
MadMission Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I think more often than not, the WH does not "choose" between the W or the OW, but chooses HIMSELF...and goes with the scenario which is easiest for HIM...carries the least negative consequences for HIM. He chooses according to HIS best interests. And, this is why so many WH stay with their BW...because staying preserves their image as a good family man and a man of character, substance, integrity; to avoid judgement and backlash from family / friends / neighbors; to avoid losing the respect of their children; to avoid being the butt of ugly gossip; because they like their nice house and lifestyle; to avoid guilt; to avoid financial loss; etc. It's all about THEM. I think staying or leaving often has little or nothing to do with the W herself...nor the OW per se.
ADF Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I work in family law, and my experience has been that husbands will choose their wives over the OW in 90% of all cases. And not necessarily because they care more for their wives. They do it because staying with their wives is just so much easier. Think about it. If a man chooses the OW, he will need to get divorced. That is a long, hellish process that can lead to financial ruin. Dumping the OW is a lot less painful, so that is what most men do.
OFGnomore Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 What I've witnessed is many MMs stay but fewer change their ways. And I have to admit, I'm total fan of Mad Mission, I think she's one smart cookie. Most make a choice for themselves not for their Ms, children or wives. I think when a WH confesses on their own accord and the OW is gone, it's really the best case scenario for a true reconciliation. Those cases are truly rare though. Let's face it, staying married is usually the easiest choice for all parties. Not a measure of success post dday for me. A high quality, monogamous marriage is a far more elusive achievement. So I think any BS (man or woman) should ask themselves, is this marriage continuing out of convenience or has my WS changed and now loves me with "tunnel vision". Mad Mission, I wish I had a mom that shared this sage advice with me. And even, looking at a formers lover's web page, for me, says this WS does not have tunnel vision. KWIM? What do you value and want for your life? You may find life post dday, although still in a marriage, may not fit that. So physically choosing the w or ow is such a high level consideration, IMO, I think you need to dig deeper to want YOU want from your WH.
MadMission Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 . Let's face it, staying married is ..... Not a measure of success post dday for me. A high quality, monogamous marriage is a far more elusive achievement. So I think any BS (man or woman) should ask themselves, is this marriage continuing out of convenience or has my WS changed and now loves me with "tunnel vision." So, so true...staying M, in an of itself, is NOT a measure of success post d-day. And, why there are so many posts by BS who are 1, 2, 3+ yrs out from d-day who remain troubled in their M. They may have what appears to be a genuinely remorseful WS, but something still just doesn't feel right. And, it could be that they continued to be the victim of clever manipulation by their WS who chose to remain in the M for the wrong reasons....which had little or nothing to do with changing or having genuine love or 'tunnel vision' for their BS. Very sad....for the BS who remains comitted and invested...
Recommended Posts