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when you go out without your partner


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Posted

I'm curious about something. If you go out (drinking & staying out late) on a weeknight (Sunday-Thursday - eg both of you have work the next morning) and your partner stays home and goes to bed at a normal time, do you call/text your SO when you're on your way home and/or wake him/her up when you get home?

 

If you were the partner who stayed home, would you want your SO to call/text and then wake you up when he/she got home?

 

Or would it be annoying to be woken up in the middle of the night when you have work in a few hours?

 

In that scenario is it OK, even considerate, to NOT wake up your partner?

Posted

whenever I hit the road, my husband knows to expect a call in the morning and one at bedtime ... and sometimes during the day if there's something I particularly want to share with him. If I take off late and he knows I won't reach my destination until after his bedtime, he'll specific tell me to call, just so he won't worry. And he does the same when he travels ...

Posted

I wouldn't want a phone call, I would want to sleep. If they happen to wake me up when they're crawling into bed, fine. But otherwise, there is no need for me to wake up..

Posted

The premise is flawed... If you both have to work the next day and one is still going out drinking WITHOUT the other it seems silly to dwell on whether or not the phone call is considerate... The entire thing is inconsiderate.

Posted

I haven't gone out partying (no drinking due to pregnancy) since we've been married but have been out late with the girls. Not once have I phoned or texted him. When I got home, I tried not to wake him up.

 

The reverse also holds true. Don't wake me up unless you need a ride home due to alcohol level. Also, don't forget that taxis exist for a reason.

Posted

It depends if there is an existence of an expected timeline. If you say you'll prob be home around 10pm and it's now 2AM, that would make me very nervous. If something came up and you wanted to stay out later, than yes, please call.

 

If it's a given that you are out until the bars close at 2am say, than there is no need to wake me up with a call.

Posted

I don't need to hear from my SO if he goes out drinking and comes home late.

 

If we live together, I'll know when he comes home, and if we don't- I'll talk to him the next day. A text might be nice, but it isn't required.

 

Everyone is entitled to a night out with their friends. I'd wish them well and talk to them the next day.

Posted

I would like and appreciate a text when he's on his way home.

Posted
I would like and appreciate a text when he's on his way home.

 

I feel the same way.

Posted
whenever I hit the road, my husband knows to expect a call in the morning and one at bedtime ... and sometimes during the day if there's something I particularly want to share with him. If I take off late and he knows I won't reach my destination until after his bedtime, he'll specific tell me to call, just so he won't worry. And he does the same when he travels ...

 

Holy crap - that sounds like a nightmare to me.

Posted

I wouldn't call or text. I can always talk to her the next day...I mean, seriously...?

Posted

It's a good point that whether you live together or not changes things. Of course NOT if we don't.

 

Thing is, I will always be a little paranoid. My H went out without me twice in our marriage. On the night in question he was going out at 7pm with a neighbor to shoot pool and have a couple drinks while the neighbor did his laundry.

 

I woke up at 3am and he wasn't home. He suffered from epilepsy, and it turns out that the neighbor kept wanting to go on, and Mike tried to walk home, seized and drowned in a drainage canal.

 

They didn't find his body for 5 horrible days.

 

So yeah, if I ever have a live in partner again, he DAMN well better call me if he's staying our much later than was the original plan !!!!!!!!

Posted
The premise is flawed... If you both have to work the next day and one is still going out drinking WITHOUT the other it seems silly to dwell on whether or not the phone call is considerate... The entire thing is inconsiderate.

 

Oh, fer gawd's sake. :rolleyes:

 

If one of the two involved isn't a control freak, what's the problem? Only ONE person has to suffer from not enough sleep. If someone doesn't trust their SO to go out with friends, they have NO business being involved in a relationship with them.

Posted
Oh, fer gawd's sake. :rolleyes:

 

If one of the two involved isn't a control freak, what's the problem? Only ONE person has to suffer from not enough sleep. If someone doesn't trust their SO to go out with friends, they have NO business being involved in a relationship with them.

 

 

Exactly...

Posted

Holy crap - that sounds like a nightmare to me.

 

not really. After nearly 20 years of marriage, you figure out what works best for you. And in our case – because I'm on the road alone a lot, sometimes traveling across Texas – it's become a courtesy to check in when I hit the half-way point of my travels, when I arrive at my destination, then when I leave for home. The other stuff – talking to him first thing in the morning and when we are fixing to to bed in our respective spots – has helped instill the kind of trust that isn't automatically given. Or taken for granted. And he's told me that he worries if I don't call, because the system has worked so well otherwise.

 

I've seen a lot of posts here by people talking about separate vacations or traveling alone, with some saying they could never go for that ... I'll brag right here, right now, and say that I can do this kind of thing without worry simply because I've proven to be trust-worthy thanks to what some consider a "nightmare" system.

 

and that's no small thing, having my husband's complete trust ...

Posted
I've seen a lot of posts here by people talking about separate vacations or traveling alone, with some saying they could never go for that ... I'll brag right here, right now, and say that I can do this kind of thing without worry simply because I've proven to be trust-worthy thanks to what some consider a "nightmare" system.

 

and that's no small thing, having my husband's complete trust ...

 

The "system" sounds more like your H wanting to make sure you're okay rather than a trust issue.

 

I think it's sweet. :)

Posted

thanks, Donna :love:

 

and you're right – he does want to make sure I'm okay because I travel alone. On the other hand, he's cool about me traveling alone – mostly to see family back home or visit friends – because he trusts me. And all that is because we've both been very good about the checking in thing and being transparent about what we're up to. Kinda goes hand in hand ...

Posted
The "system" sounds more like your H wanting to make sure you're okay rather than a trust issue.

 

I think it's sweet. :)

 

BF and I operate the same way. Whether it's getting on a plane and landing, or driving far, we're sure to check in with one another to let the other know we are safe and sound. Has nothing to do with trust whatsoever.

Posted
I woke up at 3am and he wasn't home. He suffered from epilepsy, and it turns out that the neighbor kept wanting to go on, and Mike tried to walk home, seized and drowned in a drainage canal.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

I appreciate an estimated home arrival time and then a call if plans change. Otherwise, I can't sleep--I get too worried. And my husband doesn't have epilepsy.

Posted

If my BF or I goes out without the other, we usually exchange a few text messages throughout the night, just checking in & saying hi & stuff. If I'm out, he'll let me know when he's going to bed and he usually asks me to let him know when I get home safely (we don't live together). I ask the same of him. Usually his text won't wake me up, but I wake up a lot on my own during the night so it's a comfort to find a text waiting & to know that he got home ok.

Posted

I think expecting or not expecting the call can mean different things.

 

For some people, not expecting the call can be their way of recognizing that their SO is an individual and adult they do not need to monitor. For others, it is one of they ways they show their trust. And it can even be an indication of a lack of concern.

 

For others who expect that call, they might not trust their partner. Some simply worry more than others and want to be reassured that their partner is safe and on their way home. It can also be a part of how they uphold their emotional intimacy. Two people could want to begin and end each day with the other, even if geography temporarily keeps them physically apart. A phone call would still give them that sense of togetherness before drifting off to sleep.

  • Author
Posted (edited)

Thanks for all the responses. I was just curious what other people's thoughts on this were, because my BF went out on Sunday night (we both had work the next day, but I get up 2 hours earlier than him), woke me up with a text late that night, then sent a second text because he misspelled a word in the first, then woke me up when he got home, and I was pretty angry at him.

 

Then next day when he was whining about how tired/hungover he had been all day I informed him that I was not happy that his decision to drink negatively affected me, and in future he better not ever wake me up unless there was an emergency, or for sex.

 

Sometimes I can be unreasonable about these things though.

 

If I went out without my BF I would never think to let him know that I was on my way home, and I would try my damnedest not to wake him up when I got in....as opposed to intentionally waking him up for no reason.

Edited by SecretSquirrel
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