Alcoholic girlfriend & cheating

[egoa]

Been trollin the site for a little bit and decided to post my story, I'm just lookin for some advice.

 

I've been with this girl for 2 1/2 years now, on and off a little bit but mostly the whole time. Since I've known her she has been a total alcoholic, and she has been for almost 6 years. The first year had its problems but I was mostly blinded by falling in love. We had some issues that could have been linked to cheating but I was a lot more naive back then. After the rosy goggles of love fell off things started to get pretty bad. It didn't help that she got a felony DUI for a hit & run and she was living with me at the time. Her drinking got out of control and it has seemed like every few months there is another bad event, except all the other ones dealt with her partying.

 

She is a complete party girl and now I know a lot more then I use to. Fast forward to December of last year and things got to the limit. We were at the breaking point of our relationship, and we broke up one night. We had gotten into a huge fight because she went out partying and then I had to pick her up the next day. She lied to me about who's house she ended up at, and I picked her up at some guy's house that I had gotten a weird vibe from. We broke up after I picked her up. She always claimed that they just stayed up all night talking but I call bull****.

 

So the next night she has a party at her house, and the next day she says how much of a good girl she was, blah blah blah. Come a week later a friend of mine, who just happened to be there, tells me how she was all over this other guy. They didn't sleep together, but that broke my heart. It was the first time I had a source I could trust. She always tried to downplay it and it would make me so angry. Anyway, I tell her she can't party anymore, blah blah blah and we try to work through it. It was make or break, and I was trying my hardest. I just couldn't get over the fact that the guilt didn't eat her away, or the alcohol just covered it. I honestly think she doesn't think it was a big deal because we weren't "going out", but that makes me question her morals.

 

Here we are now, she hasn't partied for the last two months, but she is still drinking every day. Come last friday she decides that she is going to go out, and she goes to the college (UCSB, one of the biggest party schools). This is not what our relationship needs, but she does it anyway after I try to talk to her about it. Well I do whatever to pass the time and go to bed. I call her when I wake up and she says that she spent the night at her ex boyfriends house. Her story changes a bit from time to time, and without going into detail it raises a few flags. Now this is the third time within memory that she has spent the night their, but both times I've told her that is unacceptable. She claims she wasn't very drunk, but once again that same friend happens to have moved into that house within the last two weeks. I called him and he said that all three of them were hammered the night before. He thinks that they did have sex, because in the morning when he walked into the room, the guy said hold on a minute and he thought they may have been getting dressed. I do trust this guy and I believe he only has my best interests in view.

 

My girl acts like im so silly and ridiculous for thinking all of this. She's downplaying this once again and not taking me serious. Do you guys think this may be because I had allowed it in the past, and she thinks Ill still be around no matter what?

 

She was also a lot more touchy feely around me that day, and kept on wanting to hold my hand lay down with me etc etc, but she claimed to be on her period when I tried to have sex with her. I think she actually is, but it just seemed weird the detail she was saying, sorta like she didn't want me to find out. I dunno if I'm just being paranoid with this but meh.

 

I asked her how she viewed our current relationship status and she said we are on a "break". This bugs me a lot, I do not view our current status like that in the slightest, I'm still fully supporting her, regardless of the title. Last time we were on a "break" she slept with one guy and almost did with another. I eventually read her facebook to find out, even though she denied it at the time.

 

I think there is a good chance she did cheat on me, and it makes me wonder how many times this has happened. In the past 2 years she has always gone out to party without me, and the times I went she did questionable **** right in front of me! She always gets black out drunk.

 

Am I crazy for staying with this girl or what?

[Rorschach]

Yes you are crazy, go watch the show intervention. I don't understand how ANYBODY could have a relationship with a substance abuser. I don't even need to know about the cheating, dump the drunk.

[lostsunsets]

Get rid of her. Do you have so little respect for yourself that you hang on to this serial cheater. Dump her......yesterday.

[Bryanp]

Yes you are totally crazy staying with her. Are you going to wait until she gives you an STD? I would immediately get check by the way. Look its clear that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Surely you can do better than this. The fact that you stay with her seems to indicate that you enjoy being a masochist. Enough is enough.

[D-Lish]

The only message she is getting from you is that her behaviour is okay, because you stay with her.

 

You've had 2 reputable sources tell you she has cheated- her behaviour is self destructive and out of control...

 

If my bf told me he stayed over at his ex's house, I'd break up with him on the spot and never give him a second chance.

 

I cannot see what is worth salvaging with this girl- she is a train wreck.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I think there is a good chance she did cheat on me, and it makes me wonder how many times this has happened. In the past 2 years she has always gone out to party without me, and the times I went she did questionable **** right in front of me! She always gets black out drunk.

 

Am I crazy for staying with this girl or what?

 

Does it matter if she actually cheated? How can you stay with someone who respects you so little?

 

If you have any self esteem you should end this fake relationship. Start dating other women. Move on.

[JohnDoe6]

I feel sorry for you and it can be extremely confusing and I know it is sometimes hard to leave. Just to share a bit with you, my current gf was an alcoholic all of her life and her sexual behaviour was to say the least very promiscuous. She has been dry now for 18 months and even after she stopped drinking she still didn't know how to conduct herself sexually when dating and it took her until just before she met me to ask herself what the hell am I doing here.

 

What I really want to say to you is that alcoholics are extremely selfish and don't give a toss about anyone but themselves. They mask their problems with grog and lie on a regular basis. Obviously she has an issue with sex but this is not uncommon for an alcoholic. They are not themselves and there is probably something in her upbringing that may explain things.

 

It is easy for some to say get rid of her but it depends on how much you want to persist. Until she hits a rock bottom and realise what a mess she is making of her life (as my GF did, to the point of contemplating suicide and ending up in detox) you won't be able to get her to do anything unless she wants to address it herself.

 

Cheating in the relationship is hard to accept, let alone what she may have done in her past. If she does decide to address her drinking and you are happy to help her through it, you are in for a tough ride and she will always be an alcoholic (dry or not). She needs to learn how to live life and cope with issues without grog.

 

You may have just got her at wrong time in her life and it may be just bad timing for you. Depends how much you love her mate as to whether you can stick it out or it may do your head in. Make no mistake though everyone has issues and it just depends if these ones are too big for you to work through.

 

Good luck with it but I think you need to sit her down and give her a definate ultimatium and if she takes it then may be the case that it was not meant to be for you two at this time. I think she has been given enough chances, I wouldn't give her too many more or she will treat you like a door mat.

[jnj express]

Hey bud---wake up--you get one try at life on this planet----do it right, and do the best for yourself-----if she is screwing around in santa barbara---it gets worse if she comes south------real simple answer----MOVE ON RIGHT NOW

[egoa]

Thank you guys for your replies

 

Its been really hard to decide what to do, the past few days I've let it slide because we had prearranged plans, but now its back in front of me.

 

I'm pretty attached to this girl, but I've learned that I can live without her. One of my biggest concerns is what will happen to her if I do leave her. I'm sort of her lifeline.

 

She has been making a lot of progress over the past few months with her drinking, but what she did Friday was a huge setback. Its like every time something like this happens, I love her a little less. In the beginning I was the one head over heels, but now its reversed. I'm really starting to question if I can love her 100% after the dust settles, but with all these setbacks every few months its like my love becomes introverted. Also I don't know if these anxieties will ever leave if I'm still with her.

 

I think what I may do is go on a "real" break with no contact for a few weeks. I told her I don't want to be apart of her life anymore if she continues to drink. I was fed up months ago and this sort of broke the camel's back. Also this is the first time in years I won't be using ganja to cover up my emotions. I decided I needed a month break to get a clear picture of everything. I have a feeling that once I correct my mind, the right answer will fall into my lap.

 

I sorta feel like I am being cheated out of life, I'm only 22 and missing out on quite a lot of things because I am in a relationship. If it was a happy cheery relationship I think I wouldn't mind so much, but this isn't the case.

 

My biggest concern if I was to leave her, is if in doing so it would cause her to fully relapse. I guess that shouldn't count when I'm trying to figure out my own happiness right?

 

And its been a total battle to get her to stop drinking, she makes some progress but keeps doing so. She sees no problem if she parties with her friends occasionally, but doesn't think that I should always have to be with her. Its sorta ****ed, the only friends she has are the ones who party all the time. I don't even want to get started with how many girls she has made out with in front of me. That's always been something that has bugged me.

Edited April 22, 2010 by egoa

[JohnDoe6]

My girlfriend did the chick thing to when she was drinking, it's called validation and low self esteem. like I said in my other post to you alcoholics tell a lot of lies because they are ashamed. They are also extremely selfish and don't care much for other peoples feelings but it is covering up a lot of shame and self loathing.

 

As far as her falling apart if you leave her that is nobel of you to consider this but at the end of the day you also need to look after yourself and as I said before unless she wants to examine her own life willingly you won't be able to control her or change her.

 

Since my ex stopped drinking she has done a complete inventory on her life, through AA, and it hasn't been pretty for her but she wants to change and be a different person. This is what your GF needs to do for herself and like I said she probably needs to hit a rock bottom and then step up to the plate herself. Sure, if she does, you need to support her if you think she is worth it.

 

You can only tolerate so much of this otherwise you will drag yourself down to this level and even after a 2 week break she may come back and apologise profusely but words are easy and it will take a lot of action on her part to win back your trust and respect. Put the ball back into her court, regardless of the end result. Good luck with all of this.

[Dexter Morgan]

egoa...get yourself a decent girl. your gf is nothing of the sort.

 

if you stay with her, you are just asking for more abuse.

[jnj express]

You are not married to her, and you are not her keeper----she needs to wake up, and take some responsibility for herself. Have a talk with her, tell her what you intend to do, and go from there.