joey66 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I read here sometimes that NC is the key to moving on. How do you get over it when NC isn't possible? I am very much in love with a MW. I accept that she is very much not in love with me. But, I still have to see her on a regular basis. I'm fine when we are apart, but when she walks into the room, the whole thing flares up again. And again ... and again ...
ladydesigner Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I read here sometimes that NC is the key to moving on. How do you get over it when NC isn't possible? I am very much in love with a MW. I accept that she is very much not in love with me. But, I still have to see her on a regular basis. I'm fine when we are apart, but when she walks into the room, the whole thing flares up again. And again ... and again ... I'm assuming you both work together? If at all possible I would probably look to change the situation, look for a new job, not hang out with friends when she is there. I'm not sure what your situation is in that you are seeing her on a regular basis. If you have to see her on a regular basis as you say maybe you can try to think of the things that make her an unflattering person to try and distance yourself.
Owl Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 NC is always possible. How do you know MW? Work? Hobby? Friends with her spouse? Neighbors? All of these still have solutions to which NC is possible. Finding a new job, changing hobbies, ending the friendship with the spouse, moving... None of these are EASY. But they're POSSIBLE. Something to consider...how worth it to you is actually do what you need to do here?
jthorne Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 NC is always possible. How do you know MW? Work? Hobby? Friends with her spouse? Neighbors? All of these still have solutions to which NC is possible. Finding a new job, changing hobbies, ending the friendship with the spouse, moving... None of these are EASY. But they're POSSIBLE. Something to consider...how worth it to you is actually do what you need to do here?I totally agree. In fact, NC itself is fairly easy. It's having the WILL and the WILLPOWER to make it happen and stick to it.
Author joey66 Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 NC is always possible. How do you know MW? Work? Hobby? Friends with her spouse? Neighbors? All of these still have solutions to which NC is possible. Finding a new job, changing hobbies, ending the friendship with the spouse, moving... None of these are EASY. But they're POSSIBLE. Something to consider...how worth it to you is actually do what you need to do here? That's a fair point. Let me rephrase the question. How do you cope when NC isn't practical? We do not work together and I do not know her spouse. (Thank goodness!) Beyond that, I'd prefer not to say. I absolutely COULD take action to ensure that I never see her again, but it would mean giving up something I love dearly. Something I love more than her. Anybody have any coping strategies?
ladydesigner Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 That's a fair point. Let me rephrase the question. How do you cope when NC isn't practical? We do not work together and I do not know her spouse. (Thank goodness!) Beyond that, I'd prefer not to say. I absolutely COULD take action to ensure that I never see her again, but it would mean giving up something I love dearly. Something I love more than her. Anybody have any coping strategies? I would try to find something else to redirect that thought process. Many people have been able to move on living next to or working with an XAP. You will have to redirect that energy. You will have to give up on the idea of MW. NC for me has been a lifesaver. It is not easy but necessary for me. I feel sorry for you that you do not have the option of going NC. Have you and MW ended or are you thinking of ending?
Just a stone's throw Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Must belong to the same country club...... When you figure it out, let me know. I am in your boat.
jthorne Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 but it would mean giving up something I love dearly. Something I love more than her. There's your answer. You realize that there are things you love MORE than her and do not want to lose. You focus on those things. You realize that whatever R you had, it was a fantasy. You never had the reality of paying bills, taking out the trash. You work to improve your present and your future, since it's impossible to change the past. You realize that THIS is your reality, not your xAP. And you give it some time.
secretlady76 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 So let's just say you see her but you don't speak to her. Would you still feel like you do? Can you simply not speak to her or do you feel such a desire to have contact with her that it's worth the pain you feel afterwards just for a few moments in her company?
MichelleZB Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 If you don't work together and don't know her spouse... why can't you avoid contact? If you're, say, on a board together or have mutual friends, you can always work it to at least minimize contact, make sure you only see each other in large groups, and eliminate personal interactions.
Owl Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I absolutely COULD take action to ensure that I never see her again, but it would mean giving up something I love dearly. Something I love more than her. Anybody have any coping strategies? Surely there's a compromise? There has to be another way to "indulge" in (whatever it is) in a fashion that doesn't include her presence? Find another club/gym/skating rink/skydiving facility/MMORPG server/etc... to participate in? Or...ask HER to give it up, in the name of working on her marriage? How far "over the line" was your relationship with her???
Author joey66 Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 (edited) You will have to give up on the idea of MW. Sooooo right! As jthorne correctly points out, it isn't reality. Giving up the idea of someone is way harder than giving up the actual person. The person has faults, but the idea is perfect. Maybe I could ask her to tell me all her shortcomings? Edited April 20, 2010 by joey66 grammar
herenow Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Sooooo right! As jthorne correctly points out, it isn't reality. Giving up the idea of someone is way harder than giving up the actual person. The person has faults, but the idea is perfect. Maybe I could ask her to tell me all her shortcomings? You already know her shortcomings. First she is married. As a man who loves her, that has to be the first shortcoming. Second, she doesn't love you. Then, if an affair did happen between you two, add #1 and #2 for the 3rd shortcoming.
jj33 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Joey you have to go through the pain. I am in a position where NC wasnt practical and it was horrible for a long long time because I wasnt able to give up the idea of us being together. over time its gotten easier. I dont avoid places that I need to go just because he may be there. If (a) you must be in her presence or in contact with her and (b) you dont know how to let it go, then there is really nothing to be done except live through the pain. If she is in the same room just try to talk to someone else, even if your thoughts are only of her. Try to leave without talking to her (not even a hello - Ive done it countless times its possible). Ive even simply shook his hand when I was forced to speak to him and then excused myself. Its not painless but there is no magic bullet.
Author joey66 Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 You already know her shortcomings. First she is married. As a man who loves her, that has to be the first shortcoming. Second, she doesn't love you. Then, if an affair did happen between you two, add #1 and #2 for the 3rd shortcoming. No, she doesn't love me. But she does know that I love her. I'll add another shortcoming - she enjoys tormenting me. If (a) you must be in her presence or in contact with her and (b) you dont know how to let it go, then there is really nothing to be done except live through the pain. If she is in the same room just try to talk to someone else, even if your thoughts are only of her. Try to leave without talking to her (not even a hello - Ive done it countless times its possible). Ive even simply shook his hand when I was forced to speak to him and then excused myself. We've fallen into a pattern. I manage to do as jj33 suggests and not talk to her. Not even hello or goodbye. I even try not to look in her direction when she comes around. This goes on for a while (today made three weeks and two days, not that I'm counting or obsessive or anything) and then she comes around more often. She dolls herself up and wears clothes that she KNOWS I like. (She looked so good today!) She chats up people in my vicinity, obviously lingering and talking loud so that I can hear. She talks about the things that we used to share. She knows it will drive me crazy and she does it on purpose. Eventually I can't stand it anymore and I break NC. Then she ignores me. Repeat. I know this should be enough to break the spell. She's like a cat with toying with its prey. I am the plaything. I have nobody to blame but me. I know it, but I just cannot let it go. Somebody shoot me, please.
secretlady76 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 No, she doesn't love me. But she does know that I love her. I'll add another shortcoming - she enjoys tormenting me. We've fallen into a pattern. I manage to do as jj33 suggests and not talk to her. Not even hello or goodbye. I even try not to look in her direction when she comes around. This goes on for a while (today made three weeks and two days, not that I'm counting or obsessive or anything) and then she comes around more often. She dolls herself up and wears clothes that she KNOWS I like. (She looked so good today!) She chats up people in my vicinity, obviously lingering and talking loud so that I can hear. She talks about the things that we used to share. She knows it will drive me crazy and she does it on purpose. Eventually I can't stand it anymore and I break NC. Then she ignores me. Repeat. I know this should be enough to break the spell. She's like a cat with toying with its prey. I am the plaything. I have nobody to blame but me. I know it, but I just cannot let it go. Somebody shoot me, please. So you've told her you love her and she said she didn't?...or are you simply assuming? ..and as much as she torments you, you do let her....the cat gets bored of a mouse once it plays dead, so maybe you should not react.....easier said than done?!!
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