Valentines day and the Ex

January 25, 2004

is it that 80% of people that break up reconcile, or that 80% of relationships have at one time or another been broken up?

January 25, 2004

Yes, I know a lot of people who have "broken up" and gotten back together, but the circumstances of the break-up and what the couple did during the in-between time played very important parts in this whole getting back together business.

We can't speak for Steve - or his ex - but if one person has moved on, then one person has moved on. Period.

There's no reason not to give hope, he wasn't asking whether or not they might get back together, although it was probably implied, but he was asking if the Valentine was the way to make all of this magical getting back together thing happen.

Steve...No. It's not. Trust me. You can be romantic without being sappy. You can get her back if her heart is willing by subtly slipping your way back into her life. SUBTLY.

And self-help relationship books? That's where you're getting your numbers? How do they even do their studies? If these numbers come from "legitimate" polls, then they're probably polling couples. I wouldn't doubt that 80% of those couples had at one time broken up. That seems like a more accurate number.

January 25, 2004

Here's from the original post by mandrews1119

Food for thought: over 80% of long term relationships and marriages have had separations of over one month or more; at least 20% of them reunite or remarry, and over 50% of the folks who don't say that they wish they had given things more time or another chance. So, take heart, there is hope, and usually it comes as a result of the love being "for real", not just the best someone has had! I read a post that said that one love knew she could survive without "him"- it was like losing an arm. You know you are still living, but something irreplaceable was missing until she reunited. Goodluck!!

Not sure how to take these numbers by the wording. Is it 20% of 80% (16%) or 80%

January 25, 2004

80% of relationships that seperate for a while for the time/space thing, reconcile.

I don't believe this stat at all. I'd like to see the details of the "study." How long do they reconcile for? A month? Forever? Are they "happily" reconciled? Etc...

January 25, 2004

Reference:

Ok, the closest thing I can find is a reference that 80% of marriages are expected to experience infidelity. If the divorce rate is 50% that means that 30% of marriages experiencing infidelity are reconciled (or blissfully unaware??). That a 38% reconciliation rate... with infidelity being more serious than separation I'd expect the separation-to-reconciliation number to be higher. But marriage may also include other factors like the willingness to get married, kids, finances etc not necessarily present in a non marital relationship.

http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=b6cfmvk1p52rpgv57vbb0vicljo0d52d56%404ax.com&output=gplain

January 25, 2004

Clia,

you are never going to get details like that from a study. And "forever" would imply a survey of the dead. You can assume happiness from the stats, and assume they would otherwise be separated, otherwise you are just unwilling to accept it from the start and reading it is a waste of time.

Any reasonable study would discount people that haven't been together/reconciled for a reasonable or statisically significant amount of time. So people that have dated for two weeks and been separated for 3 days would be excluded.

January 25, 2004

Look i think what it all boils down to is you guys are seeking someone to validate that your going thru a ****ty time.... as well as say dont worry you guys will most likely get back together.... if tahts what you wanna hear..... then fine.... dont worry you guys will most likely end up getting back together..... hell i did..... my ex boyfriend and i split up for about 7 months... and yeh we got back together..... only to realize we were indeed unhappy with eachother.... the original problem may have went away but it resurfaced with a whole slew of problems with it..... and we ultimately split again.... now not even on speaking terms.... so you want people to paint a pretty picture for you but when we see there has been closure on the other ends of your relationships and we see your holding onto something that perhaps may never reconcile again.... im sorry but all painting a pretty picture does is show that its a pretty picture on the outside .... what is going on inside the pretty picture will indeed show itself eventually..... cmon you guys... this is an advice forum, a support forum..... some of us posters actually see some of you arent willing or ready to move on.... and if its that dose of reality that may help you out then so be it..... im hoping everyone whose had a SO leave etc... gets back together.... but in the meantime wipe the clouds from your eyes and expect to hear the truth.... oh and on anotehr note... i hope everyone has an awesome valentines day...

January 25, 2004

you are never going to get details like that from a study.

For any legitimate study it is possible to find out their sample size and type, assumptions made, how they calculated the stats, etc...

January 25, 2004

The original poster was never married to his ex. They dated for a year, and then broke up because she said she had changed and didn't think she loved him anymore. Now, she's toying with his emotions by stringing him along - letting him kiss her on the forehead, hold hands, etc. They're only 16.

I don't know when the topic turned toward divorce and marriage, but this is a 16-year-old guy asking whether he should send his probably 16-year-old girlfriend a really sappy valentine. He's already been advised on another thread that no matter how painful it is, he should let her go. This is one of his threads. Apparently, his schoolwork and social life are suffering from this obsession.

I think it would be wise, Richard, if you found another way to give her a kind word on Valentine's Day. Something a little more, "Hey, we're still friends, and I respect you" than "I love you, I love you, I love you." Hallmark makes some very lovely cards, and their price is a little more reasonable. It's just a lot of pressure, and I remember being sixteen and having my heart broken. Something about never wanting to eat again, and not sleeping properly for about...oh, three months. It sucks. It sucks hardcore. Trust me...this won't make the pain go away. If anything, it will just drag it out.

January 25, 2004

For any legitimate study it is possible to find out their sample size and type, assumptions made, how they calculated the stats, etc...

I agree, clia. They did a "legitimate" study on how Saccharin causes cancer in rats. Apparently, if you feed a lab rat the human equivalent of 97 cans of TAB a day for weeks, the rats develop cancer. Imagine that...Almost anything can cause cancer in such high amounts.

It was a very scientific study, and because of it, lots of no calorie sweeteners were taken off of the shelves, even though no human cases of cancer were ever actually proven to be caused by saccharin.

If you find the right experimental group, you're going to find the results you want.

January 25, 2004

At least here in the US, no saccharin based products were ever taken off the shelves. They are still being sold today. The most popular is Sweet 'n' Low. But the rat study was garbage. The study's author are not to blame, the media hype is to blame. Just like the egg and cholesterol link. Media hyped the link and never publicized the contrarian studies despite the reputable soruces.

My point about the so called 80% study, was that you are not going to get results that tell you a short term like 1 month or a long term like forever were used. They just aren't realistic. And frankly the only study you are likely to see is based on married couples undergoing therapy. As far as how long someone was reconciled, if you want to you can always assume that the reconciliation will eventually fail and negate every result you read based on that.

But the fact is that people do reconcile. Though I doubt it at the 80% level. But I wouldn't be at all surprised if 80% of current marriages had some form of separation over their term. That could be a day a month or a year. But it also implies reconciliation. All of which is irrelevant to any particular relationship as there are too many factors involved to directly link on relationship to any study.

The 80% figure has been talked about on multiple threads and that's why I addressed it when it came up here, the marriage reference is because as I said in that post, it was the closest thing I could find, now we're just waiting for a source.

January 25, 2004

Originally posted by lost_in_chgo
At least here in the US, no saccharin based products were ever taken off the shelves. They are still being sold today. The most popular is Sweet 'n' Low. But the rat study was garbage. The study's author are not to blame, the media hype is to blame. Just like the egg and cholesterol link. Media hyped the link and never publicized the contrarian studies despite the reputable soruces

Sorry, my mistake, it was cyclamate, and it was here in the US (notice location under my avatar) that the cyclamate and all related products were taken off the shelves. It was because of the Delaney Clause - anything with any carcinogenic substance that causes a single case of cancer in any single rat can be restricted by the FDA. They've since realized that the Delaney Clause is too restrictive because people were pissed when cyclamate was taken off the shelves, so now there are other sugar substitutes (aspartame, saccharin, sucralose...take your pick) on the shelves, despite the fact that due to the Delaney clause all but sucralose should have been taken down years ago. The rat study was garbage, but not for the reasons you think.

My point was that you can study things to your hearts content, and as long as you're in charge of the control group, your data is going to reflect the point you're trying to prove.

I still find it really difficult to link the 80% figure to the marriage to this poor 16-year-old boy whose heart was broken by his girlfriend. I'm searching for your advice, and all I see is an uneeded beacon of hope for "reconciliation" when all he asked was whether he should send a valentine.

January 25, 2004

I still find it really difficult to link the 80% figure to the marriage to this poor 16-year-old boy whose heart was broken by his girlfriend. I'm searching for your advice, and all I see is an uneeded beacon of hope for "reconciliation" when all he asked was whether he should send a valentine.

You lost track of the thread. Not every message is a reply to the first one. I was replying to Arabess and later cited another thread. She was replying to the original poster telling him what I read as reconciliation is never possible. Whether my reply meets your standards of relevance is immaterial. It was relevant to the thread. No beacon of hope and no advice was offered to the original poster by me. The thread migrated into a discussion of likelihoods. Thread drift happens alot on this site. Get used to it. Now we've migrated into your understanding of proper use of message boards and the appropriateness of my response to Arabesss's thoughts. See, it happens all the time.

As an afterthought, please remember that there are a number of users of this site not in the US, and not knowing what Australia has done concerning saccharin, I don't want to assume that they haven't pulled it from the shelves.

January 26, 2004

there is an old friend of mine, we both 29! , who his girlfriend split from him after a year or so for 2 years,

for 2 years he pursued her, she told him he had no chance, it is over, she even dated guys in front of him to prove her point...

he wouldn't give up even though she ignored him...

last i heard of them is that they are getting married next August!

what is all that about?

ladies please...

January 26, 2004

Brain im not saying its not possible.... but cmon every poster that comes in here ?????? im sorry when i see if someone is practically stalking someone.... ill tell it like it is... i wont lie and i wont paint a pretty picture......

January 26, 2004

It's all just a hope thing & mostly it depends on several reasons, mainly to do with the reasons for the split, the ongoing situation & the future:

1) if you've been beating the **** out of your partner there isn't much chance.

2) the relationship you have with the person after the seperation

3) how you go about pursuing it

4) how the other person feels, will feel & wether a chance is warranted.

there are probably others but these situations affect 2 people, most people on here who are on the recieving end of this are in pain & hurting everyday, me bigtime & most of us aren't stalking our s/o we just miss them a lot & want it to work. I can only speak from my point of view as i am no quitter, but i get dragged down by the people i live with & by what they would do. They may be able to move onto the next available person, but a relationship to me must be given the chance to work. Yes mistakes are made by everyone but people must be given the chance to change & try to rekindle the love, i not say push someone into something they not want, but if the half of the relationship that doesn't want seperation, it's only fair that the other half gives them the chance to show. They deserve this as iy's not something they want, & then if they still want seperation, ok.

This sounds like a contract based agreement like a marriage, but peoples feelings & emotions are being played with here.

While we breath, there is hope but it takes time to heal .

What pisses me off in my situation, is that when they say they no longer love you & go find someone else & they will find someone else when they are well, how do they know that the new person may be me, because i'm in the life transformation progress & shall be different, still with the same qualities they loved, but, without the nagatives they don't! & also this is the same person that says the future is open, never say never & always taught me to be positive.! I am being!

January 26, 2004

Well said Monkey.

You have convinced me.

I am definitely going to send my ex a card with a few poems that I have been composing, nothing to heavy but from the heart.

If everybody just gave up, there would be no relationships in the entire world.

True Love never dies, it just takes an occasional break

January 27, 2004

Why does it seem that some people on this site just refuse to consider that everyone who wants to or is trying to reconcile is NOT a stalking psycho? And if they come to the posts with a bad experience from such an event, feel free to post your story and issues so we can all relate to their point of view.? I, for one would like to know just where some of the negative posters are genuinely coming from, I would not want to misinterpret their views, or life experiences. Sometimes it seems so obvious that their opinions are shaded by something.

February 2, 2004

Just a reminder to everyone considering breaking "no contact" to send a valentine's day card.

There is no such thing as a neutral valentine's day card.

If you have any doubt about sending one, don't.

Your reasons for no contact are still valid and leaving him or her to his/her own devices on valentines day may be the reminder that he/she needs of you in itself.

I've been waiting for 5 months, three with no contact. I'm still hopeful that she will come around, but I will not communicate with her until she is ready. This is not only what she needs, but it is the best thing if we are to have any future at all.

February 2, 2004

Why does it seem that some people on this site just refuse to consider that everyone who wants to or is trying to reconcile is NOT a stalking psycho? And if they come to the posts with a bad experience from such an event, feel free to post your story and issues so we can all relate to their point of view.? I, for one would like to know just where some of the negative posters are genuinely coming from, I would not want to misinterpret their views, or life experiences. Sometimes it seems so obvious that their opinions are shaded by something.

Dood whatever.... I dont see them as stalkers... however some of thier actions due to desperation IMO have the same characteristics..... as for the rest of your quote..... wtf?? You lost me.

Anyhoo, I understand where all of your pain is coming from monkey and lost... and everyone else for that matter who lost a SO... eventually the pain starts to subside, and reality will kick in.... doesnt mean you love them any less, just means you have accepted they have moved on and therefore you should move on as well. Loving someone with your entire soul feels like a death sentence when the relationship ends.... it doesnt have to be unless you allow it. Eventually it does get better.

February 2, 2004

Well said, lost!

As hard as it may be, I am NOT sending anything for the holiday, and for exactly the reasons you stated. I'm with you 100% there, and I admit to being an old fashioned hearts and flowers romantic. There is no such thing as a "neutral" card, letter or contact, no way!! Also, that distance is sometimes what is needed for the other person to not look at you as invading their space. It may be hard to figure, but if they are thinking of you - they are, and if not, then they just aren't. I think it is better to err on the side of not sending the card, and wait for some contact or signal from the other side. Yes, some may say that some people like a little reminder, but if you look honestly, hasn't it been YOU who has been sending ALL of those little reminders, with no responses? It hurts, it is hard, but no cards, no reminders, and I agree lost, the contact or initiative must come from the other side in some fashion if things are to have a chance to survive. Perhaps there are exceptions, but I will not be one of them. I think when someone walks out on you, or away from you, at some point THEY have to take note of their actions and how they probably have hurt you. If that isn't enough for them to think about it, then the best that can be said is the time obviously is not right yet. Best of the holiday to everyone, amy all those who seek it be reunited, and those who need closure be given that as well. Lost, your wisdom has seen me through some tough times.

February 2, 2004

I agree with both Mandrews & lost, but then look at my dogs dinner of a situation, who am i to say.

I personally think a card is ok, but nothing too OTT romantic wise & no luvy duvyness!!. Mabe something funny that will make her smile.

All situations are different. In mine there's never been a no contact rule, just a no pressurising or talking of the future or sentimental bribing, reffering to past 'good times'.

Like i've said before, there's a fine line between not contacting because you want to do all is required to try & resolve things, & not contacting & them thinking you've given up & are trying to move on.

Mandrews, your correct as usual my friend. I sent a xmas gift & card & handwritten letters & recieved jack **** in return, only emails, but i think (or hope) it's situational. If i'd stuck to HER needs of not mailing too much, the vibes between us may have been different & it may have been different, but i do & i don't regret my actions.

My actions initially weren't great & i deserved my no responces, but her actions to begin with were terrible. Now my actions are different & i hope the responces will be different, as someone said, people react based on the situation AT THE TIME.

In my seperated ones words:- 'never say never, the future is open'

keep the flag flying

February 4, 2004

Hey, Monkey

How are you, man? Yes, there is a very fine line between a lot of things where love is concerned. That's what makes it so darned difficult. One person's contact is another's stalking, y'know? I have just decided to try a new approach, the path of least resistance. I have been doing the no-contact deal, and have gone through my stages of just a card here and there (mostly here!!), and it occured to me that no matter how innocent you may think the contacts are, that isn't necessarily the way it is being received. Reality is in the eye of the beholder. It also may NOT be what the s/o needs at this stage. On some other sites I read that just to stop trying is a key. It will allow the other party to see that you are respecting their space. If contact is made, it must be light, and not in a way that starts a beef. At some point the other party has to stop feeding off of the negative vibes (that all this "contact" has been fueling, and focus elsewhere. Perhaps then a meaningful dialogue can begin. The key seems to be a different frame of mind towards the situation, not to be confused with giving up hope.! It is easy to not see or give enough respect to the other person's reality and point of view. We shall see. If a meaningful dialogue can begin, then maybe she will see all of the changes and other things you have been doing to improve yourself and bring some sanity back into the relationship, while trying to remove the painful things. In any case, she will know that you do love and respect her, and there's nothing wrong with love and respect!! As usual, best of luck to all, God bless.!

February 4, 2004

Hi Mandrews, i agree that what i think & what the s/o thinks & deal with situations are different, but what we & all of us don't know is the future, we can't predict or say for definate the future either.

I have sent letters in the past & have talked of what i'm doing & tried to make her smile by reminding her of fun times, she says i'm blackmailing her with sentiment, but this isn't my intention, i'm just trying to rekindle a spark of what she may miss.

I believe that the content of the letters is the issue, not the fact that there are letters. There's never been a no-contact rule for us, just don't talk of 'us' & 'we'.

This, i think is like the different frame of mind like you say. She told me that if the content of our mails was different, all this falling out by email & saying that shes finishing writing, may never have happened. Who knows where we would be if it was kept nice. But how i was treated, i had things i needed to know. She said i could return & see her when i was well, just as a friend & we would see. Playing with someones emotions hurts like no other pain.

I just hope the content in the mails can created a new path forward & instead of her telling me the same stuff all the time, about not wanting to see me etc. I'm just impatient & miss her so, each day more!

Take Care

February 4, 2004

Originally posted by monkey

Like i've said before, there's a fine line between not contacting because you want to do all is required to try & resolve things, & not contacting & them thinking you've given up & are trying to move on.

Yeah i know monkey, its such a fine line and tough decision

Sign In

Valentines day and the Ex

Recommended Posts

lost lamb

mintjulep

lost_in_chgo

clia

lost_in_chgo

lost_in_chgo

lostforwords

clia

mintjulep

mintjulep

lost_in_chgo

mintjulep

lost_in_chgo

BrainRightHeartWrong

lostforwords

monkey

GoldfingerCymru

mandrews1119

lost_in_chgo

lostforwords

mandrews1119

monkey

mandrews1119

monkey

MarKus

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...