Is it Wrong to Have Close Friendships with Married Men? How to Act Around Their Wives

[sally4sara]

Sounds like a problem; making friends with a gender rather than a person. Sounds fetishistic. All my friends must be this (female) or all my friends must be that (male).

[daisy73]

I myself have more male friends than women. Its always been that way. I read your story and sounds to familiar. Even if you never have or will do anything, sometimes your going to feel awkward. I did as you did, went to lunch with the wives/girlfriends, went out for drinks, etc but there will be a day when they were upset with each other or they were feeling insure that caused the problems between them two and if you unfortunately call at that time, your going to get spoken to or looked at unfriendly. Occasionally, we do all hang out together as couples, but I try to stear clear and be polite at all times.

[KismetGirl]

It has nothing to do with being mature or confident. I find it immature when girls need to have a ton of guy friends. What's wrong with your own gender?

 

You know, i had pretty much resolved this for myself already so I assumed this thread to be done but I have to interject here, because you are really reading into this too much. Your "own gender"? Really?

 

Please find ONE statement in this entire thread in which I said that I choose friends based on gender? You need to learn to read more proficiently.

 

I said that, by and large, a majority of my closer friends have just happened to be male. It has nothing to do with my choosing, it just happens, much like the turning of the planet, the rising of the sun, the incessant screaming of my alarm clock in the morning. it is another random happening of life who becomes my friend. I'm sure there are plenty of people in the world I would love as friends and I've just never happened upon them.

 

Do YOU choose who you become friends with based on those factors? if so that is your issue, but I do not.

 

I meet someone, and if we get along, we can become friends. It has nothing to do with gender, because I obviously have a bunch of good female friends. Obviously men and women tend to be different in some ways, otherwise comedians would long ago run out of joke material, and it is a simple commonality that MOST (not all) men I meet tend to be more easy going, less catty and gossipy, less trivial about certain things than many women I meet. That is not to say I won't be friends with women. if I meet a woman, which I have many times, who is easy going, not a catty b**tch, who doesn't sit and gossip about other people behind their backs, I have no problems being friends with them too.

 

My guy friends have a different role in my life than my girl friends, and I have a good amount of BOTH sexes as friends. I hope that this clarifies that tidbit.

 

My original question was that I thought it was bizarre that after years of my being friends with men that their girlfriends or wives should suddenly have issue with our friendship with NO prompting. I have since decided that it is what it is, that it's more a matter of all of us just entering a different stage in our lives as opposed to the friendship itself, and sometimes things just change, regardless of inter-relationship gender differences.

 

Have a lovely day, and stop focusing on trivilalities. This sort of judgmental behaviour is precisely what I very rarely find in men, and find all too often in women. I find it really disgusting how people can judge other people ("you are so immature!") knowing absolutely nothing about them.

 

I also find it sad that I have to make a disclaimer about every bloody thing I write because I know someone will nitpick inevitably so here you have it: I am aware that nice easy going, non-catty women exist....and that b**tchy judgmental gossipy men exist. I am friends with many women who are the former, and not friends with many men who are the latter.

 

Have a lovely day.

[wierdmunky]

I would say no to be "safe". I've just noticed that no matter what position your in, married or not there will always be that temptation. Even if you were one to say I'm not the type of girl to ruin a marriage or relationship, that's like the most dangerous step because you're giving in to continuing in that direction of letting it happen because you think it never will. I've been friends with guys with girlfriends and thought that it was completely safe because of that fact, and it never works out. Something always gets said about "what if - about us". I know they're just joking, and testing, but our friendship got us there, and as plutonic as it is, anything you let will happen. It only takes a second to let someone's guard down. It's just a choice to draw heavy line or not. If his wife isn't ok with it, I wouldn't even push it unless you want to befriend her and make it seem ok or make her feel more part of the group. I can only speak for myself when I say it seems playing too close to the fire because I've seen it happen so many times to even the strongest, and longer relationships. So, friendships yes, but close friendships/possible "pseudo girlfriend", no. I still feel husbands owe it to their wives to have them as a priority or why get married.

[Adunaphel]

It is a loyalty issue. You said yourself, you are only their friend by proxy. You've invited them to whatever and they've not returned the effort.

 

It is about the part where you say the nature of your friendships with these guys does not prevent them from enjoying their all guy events that the GF/wife might or will put a dent in. Whatever that entails, it is behavior they don't want their GF/wife witnessing. It may not even be bad behavior, but some aspect of it would not be appreciated by their GF/wife. And this is their worry; that their guy is out misbehaving, you witness it, and then smile in their face. You feel you have to act fake, they just assume you are to begin with.

 

So too is the behavior during a girls night out. It might well be benign and harmless, but since your loyalty lies with their SO, they feel watched. You might take something the wrong way and report back. This would be a concern ESPECIALLY if they wonder what your motives are. What lie you might make up about the night's events to achieve whatever motive they suspect you have. You are not trustworthy for double reason in their eyes.

 

You're tolerated because you make no waves, but you are not trusted because you run with the guys where the girls are not invited.

Not saying its right or wrong - but I've seen it play out like this for these reasons.

 

I think this makes perfect sense.

Also, as some other poster said, the Ws/GFs are probably resenting the fact that you can partecipate in "guys only" events (which by the way are no longer "guys only" in the moment you take part in them).

I think that your only chance of becoming friends with the Ws/GFs is making sure they are okay with you partecipating to guys only events.

Or at least asking if they are okay.

If you take their side and they get the impression that you *do* care about their feelings, they might trust you more.

[bee55]

it is not bad to be friend with married men i think, but it is silly to take a kiss, flirtation and sex

you have done a good disposal i like this kind of friends

i think you must never worry about women who untrusted their h

so you should continue relationship which is priceless