lofi_tokyo Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Alright! So I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks now, and for the first time in a long time I thought I had found a guy I really - genuinely - liked, and someone I was compatible with. Well, a few things have now come up: -He's an atheist. I don't want to start a religious discussion here, but my stance on spirituality is to each their own, just don't force it on others. I think he respects that I'm spiritual (though I don't nessasarily think I'm "religious"), and I'm doing my best to respect his beliefs (or lack thereof), yet I just feel like... in the long-term, there is going to be some sort of disconnect between us. I can't really wrap my mind around not being spiritual at all. -He doesn't like "titles" on relationships. As in calling someone girlfriend/boyfriend. I understand his reasons, and I argued the other side. His stance is essentially that there should be titles in a relationship only if its for people in the relationship, and not because of outside pressures... he then said if it was important to me he'd go for a title. Well, we haven't been seeing each other that long, so I'm in no rush... but still! I just don't know. I really like this guy, and in so many OTHER ways we connect really well. I never thought religion would be an issue to me because I thought I was really laid back about it, but I don't know how I feel about dating an atheist. As for the title thing, that also has me a bit concerned. Basically I can't tell where its appropriate to comprimise and when to walk away. Thoughts anyone?
dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 the religion thing will bite u in the bum. same deal over here plus some.
Bejita463 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 -He's an atheist. I don't want to start a religious discussion here, but my stance on spirituality is to each their own, just don't force it on others. I think he respects that I'm spiritual (though I don't nessasarily think I'm "religious"), and I'm doing my best to respect his beliefs (or lack thereof), yet I just feel like... in the long-term, there is going to be some sort of disconnect between us. I can't really wrap my mind around not being spiritual at all. Ask him if he respects and understands your beliefs, and listen to what he has to say about it. That would tell you a lot about whether his atheism will be a problem in your relationship or not. It will probably also tell you if he is one of the preachy ones. I also suggest, if his above answers are acceptable that you put this on the table: If ever you discuss religion, you are just exchanging viewpoints and ideas. Your opinion won't change, and neither will his. You both realize this. You aren't trying to convince each other of anything. This removes the defensive element from the discussion. Then it is an exchange of ideas, and not about who is "right," as you've already acknowledged you neither of you are trying to "win" anything.
TouchedByViolet Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I'm an agnostic and it makes me sad when people think something is wrong or negative with skeptics and non-believers. Without going off on a complete tangent it isn't right to devalue person because they are an atheist. As far as the titles is concerned that is a HUGE deal. Obviously it takes time for relationships to grow, but if a guy likes you he will let the world know that he is totally into you. If he isn't doing this he is playing you.
Author lofi_tokyo Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 Ask him if he respects and understands your beliefs, and listen to what he has to say about it. That would tell you a lot about whether his atheism will be a problem in your relationship or not. It will probably also tell you if he is one of the preachy ones. I also suggest, if his above answers are acceptable that you put this on the table: If ever you discuss religion, you are just exchanging viewpoints and ideas. Your opinion won't change, and neither will his. You both realize this. You aren't trying to convince each other of anything. This removes the defensive element from the discussion. Then it is an exchange of ideas, and not about who is "right," as you've already acknowledged you neither of you are trying to "win" anything. Thanks for the advice Bejita. I think you may be right about your suggestion on seeing religious discussions are an exchange of viewpoints rather than anything else. We'll see how that one goes. I'm an agnostic and it makes me sad when people think something is wrong or negative with skeptics and non-believers. Without going off on a complete tangent it isn't right to devalue person because they are an atheist. As far as the titles is concerned that is a HUGE deal. Obviously it takes time for relationships to grow, but if a guy likes you he will let the world know that he is totally into you. If he isn't doing this he is playing you. I'm absolutely NOT saying something is wrong with being an atheist. And I'm agnostic TBV, so I'm definitely not hating on you. What I suspect, however, is that because I do lean to some sort of spiritual way of understanding the world (though I am not certain about that), there may be some sort of disconnect in emotional understanding between myself and the man I am seeing. Again, I stress that I do not think negatively of him whatsoever.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Thanks for the advice Bejita. I think you may be right about your suggestion on seeing religious discussions are an exchange of viewpoints rather than anything else. We'll see how that one goes. I'm absolutely NOT saying something is wrong with being an atheist. And I'm agnostic TBV, so I'm definitely not hating on you. What I suspect, however, is that because I do lean to some sort of spiritual way of understanding the world (though I am not certain about that), there may be some sort of disconnect in emotional understanding between myself and the man I am seeing. Again, I stress that I do not think negatively of him whatsoever. My point was not made to devalue anyone who is athiestic or agnostic. I married an athiest. I just know that if you have a spiritual life, being with someone long-term who does not believe in having a spiritual life can be a major bummer, to the point where I would say that I would not enter into that type of relationship again.
boogieboy Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 , there may be some sort of disconnect in emotional understanding between myself and the man I am seeing. Again, I stress that I do not think negatively of him whatsoever. Your connection to his personality shouldnt have anything to do with spirituality, unless you like to think the stars brought you together. But having coffee in the moring, enjoying a movie together, sex, and shopping have nothing to do with spirituality. There will only be a disconnect if you WANT to make a disconnect. He doesnt see the need to inject religion into the relationship, so even if youre spiritual, theres no need for you to do it either.
CaliGuy Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I would recommend you tell him that him being an atheist bothers you and that if he doesn't understand then so be it. You don't want to get into a relationship with someone who has ZERO faith in his life. Trust me, I know that atheist aren't bad people, they just don't work with anyone who has faith in God. As for having relations that are outside of faith, that is something you need to decide. But at some point, I see this being an issue.
Author lofi_tokyo Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 Your connection to his personality shouldnt have anything to do with spirituality, unless you like to think the stars brought you together. But having coffee in the moring, enjoying a movie together, sex, and shopping have nothing to do with spirituality. There will only be a disconnect if you WANT to make a disconnect. He doesnt see the need to inject religion into the relationship, so even if youre spiritual, theres no need for you to do it either. Hmm maybe you're right. I guess if I think within that mindset things should be fine. It will just take a bit of a mental shift on my part. I sort of feel like spirituality is interlaced in everything I do, weather I actively acknowledge it or not. Hahahahaha I guess I just don't like having to over think things, and I feel like I'm doing exactly that. Maybe I should turn my brain off a bit. ;p
Bejita463 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Trust me, I know that atheist aren't bad people, they just don't work with anyone who has faith in God. Says who? I don't think about gods of any kind at all, nor does it impact me in any way if someone else does, unless they choose to judge me for not believing what they do. I married a Christian. It didn't work out, but that had nothing at all to do without spiritual beliefs or lack of. If we'd shared the same set of beliefs, we'd still be divorced today.
ADF Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 His atheism is not a problem, especially since he seems indifferent to your own religious convictions. His aversion to "labels," however, is a HUGE red flag. 9 times out of 10, "I don't like labels" really means, "I want a FWB, not a GF." I would bet anything that this guy's goal is not a romantic relationship, but a friendship that includes no-strings sex.
Sazerac Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 If you think it's a red flag for you, it probably is. Personally, I wouldn't have a problem having a relationship with someone of a different belief system, including free thinker/atheist/agnostic, as long as she respected my own. I can see that some would have some problems with a difference of faith if it came to raising kids, though. Faith/spirituality/religion is only one factor of several in a relationship, albeit important, but it shouldn't overshadow everything if all else is good.
boogieboy Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Hmm maybe you're right. I guess if I think within that mindset things should be fine. It will just take a bit of a mental shift on my part. I sort of feel like spirituality is interlaced in everything I do, weather I actively acknowledge it or not. Hahahahaha I guess I just don't like having to over think things, and I feel like I'm doing exactly that. Maybe I should turn my brain off a bit. ;p Well it depends on what you think you can do without. Is the connection with him worth losing so you can have a different connection with someone who is as spiritual as you? Im sure youve already dated people as spiritual as you, did you talk about being spiritual with them at all? Did it even mean anything? Does it make a difference really?
123BeachFan Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I've known a number of atheists and agnostics in my time, and many (if not most) of them are deeply spiritual. Also, a person who describes themselves as atheist might really be more in transition regarding their religious identity, and just haven't found the religion/demonination that best matches their own core belief system. Ask yourself, what is it that bothers you about his religious/spiritual position. Is it that you want someone who goes to service regularily? Someone who is Christian? Someone who is Saved? Etc (I'm just giving example questions here). Decide what is important to you. Maybe you are worried that if you have a future with this man, then your kids won't have a solid spiritual foundation? As for issue #2 (the no titles/no labels thing), I hear ya loud and clear on that one! I'm currently seeing someone who's already stated that he doesn't like labels. Grrrr.
torranceshipman Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 1. Tell him you do actually want the title (I presume you want it, else it wouldn't have been raised as a red flag) 2. Forget about the atheist thing right now: it is not a clash of religions, it is a clash of ideologies and if you two are an intellectual match then this will be a difference that you both respect in the future
torranceshipman Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I would recommend you tell him that him being an atheist bothers you and that if he doesn't understand then so be it. You don't want to get into a relationship with someone who has ZERO faith in his life. Trust me, I know that atheist aren't bad people, they just don't work with anyone who has faith in God. As for having relations that are outside of faith, that is something you need to decide. But at some point, I see this being an issue. This of course assumes that a person should believe in the existence of only one God, as opposed to more than one. We all have different conceptions of what God is/is not...it is maybe just as hard to agree on what God/heaven/etc looks like as it is to debate whether or not God exists in the first place. If you go with the new Jedi religion you just believe in a good or bad side of the Force, which is altogether much more straight forward :D
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