I think my wife is cheating on me

[randolf]

Hi all, I'm here because I really don't know where to go or what to do. I've been married to my wife for 8 years this year and we have 3 beautiful children together. During the first year after we got married my wife lost her twin sister to cystic fibrosis. Despite CF being a terminal illness this still came as a huge shock and I being the silent type I don't think I was vocal enough in my support of my wife during that time. We argued a lot and things were pretty bad. One day during an argument she turned round to me and told me that she had an affair with an old work colleague. This was way back in 2003.

 

I love my wife so I forgave her and she said that this wouldn't happen again but cited the lack of support from me after her sisters death as the reason.

 

This chap who she had slept with was a very old friend of hers going back some time and so after a while she asked me how I would feel if she saw him again in a social capacity. She explained that he had settled down with a girl and wanted some relationship advice. Maybe I'm a muppet but I trusted her and said I was ok with this despite my gut saying otherwise.

 

Over the years she's hooked up with this guy for a drink perhaps every 3 or 4 months that I'm aware of. She always tells me when she is going to see him and always seems to meet him in a pub. This last year or two though she's become very distant sexually. She says that she doesn't like her body anymore though I still think she looks great and I tell her this often. I started to suspect that maybe something was up when the lack of sexual contact continued and she started to wear he 'nice' underwear when going out to see this guy.

 

I started to keep an eye on her online activity as best I could and was able to get access to her chat transcripts on her laptop. It seems that she chats with this guy online perhaps every month at most and there was occasional reference to 'how much I enjoyed last time' and 'have been thinking of you' on both sides.

 

I've wondered if she's started to see this guy as a 'best mate' who she calls on when she is down since I've been very tied up in work. We run our own business and although it supports us and the kids to keep it moving and sustain the work I have to work most nights, I wish I didn't have to but my wife who does the invoicing etc sets us hard targets for monthly income and I can;t sustain those based on just working 9 to 5.

 

I didn't want to say anything to her because it's possible that I could just be reading the worst in this but then this weekend happened.

 

As I say we've not had sex for a long time and on Saturday I went to bed at about 11 as I was knackered from a long day. My wife stayed up and then came ot bed about 1am. I'd fallen asleep but she woke me and said I could touch her. Quite surprised I obliged and soon we were wrapped in each others arms making love. There was no conversation... but it was intense and we both seemed to enjoy it... kinda like old times.

 

The next day for some reason I decided to check her chat transcripts and was destroyed when I found that she had on that saturday night been chatting with this chap online before coming to bed... here are a few choice extracts:

 

Wife: "need to arrange another catch up soon before I gets too long again.... did you change your mind about the whole sharon going away thing?? I don't mind if you did, totally understand..." (Sharon BTW is this guys other half, they now have a young boy together)

 

OM: "i didn't change my mind, she's not gone away, well she did but she suggested i go too and so i did, i think she'll be goign again soon though, we could meet then...if you still want to, i'm never sure if you are....?"

 

OM: "...it's just me checking, if i say i'm not sure if you want to, then you say you want to, then i know you want to...."

 

Wife: "lol... well I'm cool"

 

OM: "I'm cool too, i keep thinking about what we might get up to :-)"

 

Wife: ":-)"

 

Wife: "you'll have to tell me another night, cause I really do need to get to bed and if we start on this subject we could be here a long time! lol :-*"

 

OM: "indeed....but i think you can imagin some of it, and i'll surprise you with the rest."

 

Wife: "sure can! ;-)"

 

Then she came to bed and made love to me...

 

I'm so confused. On a day to day basis my wife tells me she loves me, cuddles up to me on the sofa etc but there is no sexual contact normally and I've not pressed her on this as I can understand that she might not feel sexy. I've wanted to be supportive and help her but I'm totally blown away by the most recent discussion she's had with this guy... I don't want to loose her... what should I do?

[EmperorR]

Signs are all there man. Once she screwed this guy the first time I would have kicked her to the curb. She doesn't respect you to

still be talking to, going out for drinks etc. With the guy she had a affair with.

 

I know it's hard because you have kids, but how much more of this can you take?

 

You should get tested for stds and confront her right Now.

[2sunny]

yes, she's cheating. and she figures she has permission because you give it every time she intends to see him.

 

question now is - what do you plan to do about it?

[seibert253]

IMO your wife is cheating on you.

Though this is all her fault, you do bear some blame on this. Hindsite being 20/20, you should have insisted she end ALL contact with this OM after the first go round. It's a mistake many of us have made. Learn by it.

 

After reading her chats, I'm not sure if she's cheating, but IMO she's involved in inappropriate conversations with another MM, and may be planning a "meeting".

 

Here's what you need to do IMO: Do not let her know what you're doing.

1. Continue to gather evidence. Install a keylogger any computer she has access to.

2. If you have access to her cellphone, monitor all calls and texts. Detailed billing will not give you the exact texts, but will give you dates, times, numbers, and length of texts.

3. Consider installing a VAR in her vehicle. This will record any conversations she has when you're not around.

 

Once you have your evidence, your gut will tell you when the time is right to confront. Most WW's will lie, minimize, gaslight, and I'm positive you'll get the old "he's just a close friend". After you get this one, you bust out the chat/email logs and start quoting from them. BAM, busted.

Don't reveil your sources. Many WS's try to turn the tables, complaining about being spied on, you don't trust me, yada yada. Well, Duh! No I don't trust you, and yes I spied on you because of this, (then start rattling off more quotes and "I love you's" they're exchanging between each other. If you have her stone cold busted, then shove it right back into her face.

 

But, lets say you don't get any smoking guns, and their chats remain less innocent laced with inuendo. I really think this may develope to something more. Eventually you will have to sit her down in a very calm, controlled enviroment, and let her know you know about her chating and texting with this OM, and it is VERY troubling to you. Normally you don't want to reveal your sources, but if necessary break out the quotes and read them to her.

Let her know if she wishes to remain married to you, you ask she end this contact with the OM. Tell her you are giving her the choice, being committed to your marriage and husband, or her "friend".

Let her know you cannot tolerate the current state of your marriage and her "friendship" with the OM. She needs to make a choice.

Stand firm. She cannot have both you and the OM. Your marriage WILL NOT survive a third party interloping with your wife.

 

Keep up posted.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Ask her if you can join in the next time she meets him at the pub for a drink. Her reaction should be telling.

 

Otherwise, confront her with the chat transcripts and see what she says.

 

I'm sorry, but she's most likely been having an A with this man for quite a while.

[randolf]

Unfortunately for me I'm the eternal optimist. I never see the bad only the good... I keep thinking that surely if on a day to day basis she still loves me maybe this thing with the other guy is just filling the gaps which I've left open by not paying enough attention to her over these past few years which we've been building the business.

 

I'm terrified on confronting her about it because I don't want to loose her and the kids and I'm also terrified of the 'what if I'm wrong' but I guess the evidence is staring me in the face now. :/

[Bryanp]

I am sorry but she has played you for a complete fool. I would suggest the following:

1. Expose your wife's affair to the OM's wife

2. Get checked for STD's

3. See a lawyer. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[You Go Girl]

Seems like your wife has a fairly low libido and what does turn her on is forbidden sex.

She likes the seduction game they play.

They're both cheating.

That 'imagine the rest part" really can't be construed to mean anything else--

So destroy the element of forbidden. Look her in the eyes and tell her that she can have sex with that guy as much as she wants, you don't care. Then stay away from her sexually.

 

I'd love to hear her reaction.

 

What else you decide to do--I'd wait until she reacted to what I suggested above, and then you mull it all over for a awhile, sort your head out, get past the emotional shock, etc.

But doing what I said will change the game entirely.

Things are really going to get interesting if you destroy the element of secrecy and forbidden.

Not saying that that's the end of the story--hardly--it's just the beginning.

[jmargel]

She doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. She never faced any consequences for her first affair. She used her sister as an excuse and what that tells me is, anytime she doesn't feel satisifed in her marriage she is going to cheat.

 

It's time for marriage counseling and no more contact with this guy or divorce. You need to gain some self-confidence and stop putting your own self-worth into this marriage. You are blaming yourself or trying to excuse her behavior so that you don't have to think bad about your wife.

 

She might not be bad but she has made very bad decisions. Emotionally she is probably gone from you, however that is not necessarily your fault. Could the marriage be saved? Yes, but alot has to happen. It's time to give her the ultamatium. Don't let her try to cover up her tracks. If she becomes defensive about him, tell her to pack her stuff up and move out. You need to play hardball here.

 

Doesn't matter if she has slept with him again, she is cheating emotionally. It's time for you to start making short term goals and accomplishing them. Quit living a lie.

[whichwayisup]

Then she came to bed and made love to me...

 

To release her sexual energy she felt with the OM, like you were her 'outlet'.

 

W...T...F.

 

Print out what you have and show it to her. Tell her that she has TWO choices.

1)End the affair immediately with you present while she talks to OM (or do a joint email to him) and get yourselves into marriage counselling, (she MUST do individual counselling too) OR..2)Tell her to pack her bags and go to the OM. That she cannot have it both ways.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Randolf,

 

Your wife is having an affair. It's POSSIBLE that it's not sexual, but I very highly doubt that. She previously had a sexual affair with this same man. People SELDOM go backwards. Furthermore, "indeed....but i think you can imagin some of it, and i'll surprise you with the rest." strongly alludes to sexual contact.

 

If in fact it is not sexual, at the minimum, she is having an emotional affair.

 

My suggestion would be the following:

 

1.) Immediately investigate and monitor without her knowledge

2.) If you get more info, deliver ALL proof to the OM's wife/girlfriend before confronting your wife.

3.) Within that same day, your wife will be informed through the OM. Then SLAM that evidence in her face.

4.) Tell her to immediately break contact with the OM, completely and permanently. Tell her that ANYTHING short of that and you will seek a divorce. Then you need to agree on going to a marriage counselor together to rebuild your relationship. She needs to disclose all info about the affair.

 

I have the impression that you are a bit passive. I gather that because you allowed her to maintain a relationship with a man she had an affair with.

DO NOT BE BULLIED HERE. YOU MUST BE FIRM AND STRONG. DO NOT TELL HER YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER. SHE WILL FEEL YOU WILL STAY WITH HER NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES.

 

Please, again.....BE EXTREMELY FIRM and DO NOT capitulate.

[randolf]

Seems like your wife has a fairly low libido and what does turn her on is forbidden sex.

She likes the seduction game they play.

They're both cheating.

That 'imagine the rest part" really can't be construed to mean anything else--

So destroy the element of forbidden. Look her in the eyes and tell her that she can have sex with that guy as much as she wants, you don't care. Then stay away from her sexually.

 

I'd love to hear her reaction.

 

What else you decide to do--I'd wait until she reacted to what I suggested above, and then you mull it all over for a awhile, sort your head out, get past the emotional shock, etc.

But doing what I said will change the game entirely.

Things are really going to get interesting if you destroy the element of secrecy and forbidden.

Not saying that that's the end of the story--hardly--it's just the beginning.

 

Ok, well this has got me thinking... on the rare occasions that we have had sex in the past couple of years she's started to show an interest in me being quite forceful with her, holding her down... light hand around the neck etc... telling me to dominate her. If I do destroy the element of secrecy and forbidden what then... where will she get that fix? :?

[You Go Girl]

Ok, well this has got me thinking... on the rare occasions that we have had sex in the past couple of years she's started to show an interest in me being quite forceful with her, holding her down... light hand around the neck etc... telling me to dominate her. If I do destroy the element of secrecy and forbidden what then... where will she get that fix? :?

 

You will have ruined what turns her on.

I see she likes being dominated, but don't do it. Don't give her what she wants. She's playing mind games sexually, and treats love as something she gets to receive, but doesn't have to give.

I don't disagree with the posters who say expose the affair, get into counseling or tell her to get out.

I was making a suggestion as to something you could do before doing those things.

I want to know what she does when you ruin what turns her on.

That doesn't mean that the relationship is salvagable, nor does it mean you should continue being her doormat.

That you don't care if she has sex with that guy is NOT true--it's a test really of how will she handle what turns her on being destroyed.

She might just have to get real--is my point.

[randolf]

Thank you all ever so much for your advice, you don't know how great it is to be able to share this with someone else.

 

I cant say I know what I'm going to do right now, I think I need to let the feelings subside and not do anything stupid. Unfortunately I have no way of contacting the OM's partner, I only know her by name but I do have the OM's email address from the chat transcripts. Maybe I should just send him an email and request that he breaks all contact unless he wants his partner to find out...

 

There I go again, protecting the feelings of my wife first and foremost.

[You Go Girl]

Thank you all ever so much for your advice, you don't know how great it is to be able to share this with someone else.

 

I cant say I know what I'm going to do right now, I think I need to let the feelings subside and not do anything stupid. Unfortunately I have no way of contacting the OM's partner, I only know her by name but I do have the OM's email address from the chat transcripts. Maybe I should just send him an email and request that he breaks all contact unless he wants his partner to find out...

 

There I go again, protecting the feelings of my wife first and foremost.

 

You're not married to him. He owes you no loyalty.

She however, made an oath to protect your heart and not hurt it.

So don't transfer anything to him, don't contact him at all.

You're not listening to what people are telling you...

I see doormat trends to continue unless you do an about-face, the 180 as people in here call it.

[2sunny]

Thank you all ever so much for your advice, you don't know how great it is to be able to share this with someone else.

 

I cant say I know what I'm going to do right now, I think I need to let the feelings subside and not do anything stupid. Unfortunately I have no way of contacting the OM's partner, I only know her by name but I do have the OM's email address from the chat transcripts. Maybe I should just send him an email and request that he breaks all contact unless he wants his partner to find out...

 

There I go again, protecting the feelings of my wife first and foremost.

 

not the OM... this is directly between you and your wife. after she is exposed is when the info is carried to the OM - as a united front or from your W telling him she is now available.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

randolf, sorry for your pain! It's pretty clear that your W is cheating...

 

What are you going to do about it? I say confront her...she is going to deny...so like another poster said ask her if you can go along for the meeting..she will **** a brick...

 

There is nothing wrong with being an optimist..but in this situation you need to pray for the best but expect the worst.

[Church Bells]

Randolf,

 

Your wife is having an affair. It's POSSIBLE that it's not sexual, but I very highly doubt that. She previously had a sexual affair with this same man. People SELDOM go backwards. Furthermore, "indeed....but i think you can imagin some of it, and i'll surprise you with the rest." strongly alludes to sexual contact.

 

If in fact it is not sexual, at the minimum, she is having an emotional affair.

 

My suggestion would be the following:

 

1.) Immediately investigate and monitor without her knowledge

2.) If you get more info, deliver ALL proof to the OM's wife/girlfriend before confronting your wife.

3.) Within that same day, your wife will be informed through the OM. Then SLAM that evidence in her face.

4.) Tell her to immediately break contact with the OM, completely and permanently. Tell her that ANYTHING short of that and you will seek a divorce. Then you need to agree on going to a marriage counselor together to rebuild your relationship. She needs to disclose all info about the affair.

 

I have the impression that you are a bit passive. I gather that because you allowed her to maintain a relationship with a man she had an affair with.

DO NOT BE BULLIED HERE. YOU MUST BE FIRM AND STRONG. DO NOT TELL HER YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER. SHE WILL FEEL YOU WILL STAY WITH HER NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES.

 

Please, again.....BE EXTREMELY FIRM and DO NOT capitulate.

 

I completely agree with the above, but would like to add a couple of other observations:

 

• This is a "Slow Burn Affair of Opportunity" ... they hook up whenever the OM's wife/significant other is out of town, so typical snooping may not provide ANYTHING FOR WEEKS/MONTHS. This is not the typical infatuation based fogged out type A we often see here, where the AP's loose their minds and make discovery easy.
  
• In addition to the above, given the length of this A, I would insist on DNA testing for all of your children as an additional condition of any potential recovery.
  

[randolf]

DNA testing, OMG... I hadn't even thought about that. I'm not sure I would want to know. Thanks you again to everyone that has responded... yes I need to do something... what, when and how is still beyond me right now.

[U2RockZz]

Unfortunately for me I'm the eternal optimist. I never see the bad only the good... I keep thinking that surely if on a day to day basis she still loves me maybe this thing with the other guy is just filling the gaps which I've left open by not paying enough attention to her over these past few years which we've been building the business.

 

I'm terrified on confronting her about it because I don't want to loose her and the kids and I'm also terrified of the 'what if I'm wrong' but I guess the evidence is staring me in the face now. :/

 

 

are you really out of mind or what, she cheated on you once(which was more than enough to get rid of her)...why did you give a green signal to their meetings...???

 

she is been openly fooling you for years....she might be taking pleasure in doing that.....i don't see any optimism in being a doormat.....

 

"I don't want to loose her "

 

cause of that attitude only you ended up here....she never faced consequences for her initial cheating.

you have not only forgiven her but also gave her a free gate pass to go for full Monty....

 

why are you so desperately wanted to be with a cheater..if you think that is out of love...u definitely need a doc...

 

and finally grow some backbone , kick her to the curb

 

 

best of luck

Edited April 19, 2010 by U2RockZz

[Church Bells]

DNA testing, OMG... I hadn't even thought about that. I'm not sure I would want to know.

 

Listen good ... you may not be "sure I would want to know", but consider the consequences and likely outcome of this episode of your life.

 

MOST M's don't survive infidelity, especially in BH/WW scenarios. Therefore, you are facing the definate possibility of D, and potentially paying child support for 3 children, which MAY NOT be your biological or legal responsibility.

 

You may choose to support them anyway given the bond you have likely formed, but that decision should be YOURS, not your WW's or the COURT'S. Your WW has made enough decisions for you already ... time to take back some measure of control over YOUR life.

[jmargel]

Don't let the fear of the unknown be your guide in this. Confront it.

 

Continue to tolerate her disrespectfulness and that's what you will continue to get.

 

You and your children are first. Your wife has not been a wife to you. The mother of (hopefully your) children is not acting like a decent mother. She is not being a good parent or role model.

 

It's time that things change.

[SouthernSunshine]

Oh that's so horrible! I'm so sorry! NO CONTACT with the other person she's cheating with is the only way to STOP cheating unless she doesn't care, and wants to continue to cheat.

 

It's awful that she made love to you after talking with him about getting together. I think you should divorce her because she cheated again, and blamed you the first time! She takes no responsibility for her actions. She places blame on you, then does it again. She's using you. I'm sorry.

[Candid]

Your wife is cheating on you. How disrespectful. What are you going to do? A divorce should be in order, she has zero respect for you. Kick her to the curb.

[Lizzie60]

A suggestion:

 

Your W is cheating on you..and you know it.. but you're not sure what to do about it.. since you have 3 lovely children and you still love her..

 

Why not .. confront her with it and ask her if an open marriage would be fair to you... maybe she will agree.

 

She is obviously not in love with you anymore.. she reminds me of me with my first ex.. (although I never cheated).. I had absolutely no sex drive with him.. but once I left him.. I went on a sexual rampage..

 

She still likes sex a lot.. just not with you...

 

Have an open marriage.. then you can keep the family together and that would be fair to you.. but do it very discreetly...(between you and her only...no other people needs to know about your arrangement)...