Essence727 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 ok my bf and i have ben together for over 7yrs & he's a litl bit older than i am. We have a 2 1/2 yr old son together he's a junior (not my decision), we've been living together for 2yrs BUT we're NOT MARRIED! i hate 2 even look @ his birth certificate b/c i dnt have the same last name as my son. He proposed to me on vday and cancelled our june 2012 wedding on sat b/c he's scared & doesn't think that we will be financially stable by then. We had a pretty good relationship until I lost sight of myself 4 yrs ago. i have sense gone back to college gottn a degree and started working after 2 weeks of finishing school. The only time we argue is when i mention marriage. this has taken a toll on my heart and then he tells me he loves me but is not in love with me when i asked him. Sorry 4 rambling on but he claims he wants the same thing in life as i do ( travel, have a house, more kids) he just does not wanna get married in 2yrs but does eventually when we get finacially stable. (We have pretty good jobs) I just dnt kno what to do plz help & thanks 4 all your posts
LonelyTiger Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Hi Essence. Welcome to LS and I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I would love to give you some positive advice and I don't want to be too brutal but I think the honest answer is 'no you probably won't'. If you've already been together 7 years that's not a good sign. In fact there are a number of red flags here. It took him 7 yrs to propose? If he wants to share a life with you, which presumably he does because you live together and you have a child, then why not get married? Possibly because he has all of the benefits of marriage without any of the legal complications and the risk of a difficult and costy divorce. Or maybe he's a comittment phobe, there are quite a few men around who are. What prompted you to live together after 5 yrs in the relationship? Was it the birth of your son? A convenient, practical solution? Did you plan to start a family together? He's told you he is not 'in love' with you? Wow! Are you sure you want to marry him? If that's really how he feels then you need to get into marriage guidance before you think about going through with a wedding! He cancelled your wedding (more than 2yrs in advance) using financially stability as an excuse? You already have a home and child together, you are already financially stable by the sounds of things. Presumably you didn't bring a child into the world that you couldn't afford to raise? What makes him think you won't be financially stable in two years? Is money really that important when two people want to be together? A wedding can cost next to nothing if you're willing to do it without all the frills and actually being married costs no more than living together. In some countries there are even tax and insurance benefits to being married! I'm really sorry Essence but if this man loved you he would be happy to marry you tomorrow, on a shoestring budget, dressed in jeans and with a glass of lemonade and an ice cream cone to celebrate! Just my opinion and I hope I've got it all wrong, but somehow I don't think so.
SoConfusledandHurt Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Im not sure quite how I would take this. You have been together for a long time and not married yet. Im not sure...but Id say he is probably not the marrying kind. How about not worrying if your married or not and just enjoying your life with your family.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 First thing you say is he is a little older..... What does that mean (5-10-15 years)? Always raises a red flag for me. Then you name him jr. and give him his last name. Your little boy is 2.5 year's old, but the two of you have only lived together 2 years, thus only after the baby was born and he demanded/coerced his last name and to have his first name too. Say what you want but this very simply a situation of control by an older man (probably) over a young gullible female.
xxoo Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 We don't know if you will or won't....but all signs point to no You have to really talk about the issue. What are his true reasons for avoiding marriage? Financial stability is too vague. What are his exact financial goals before marriage? Is it paying down debt that one of you owes? Do you have debts he doesn't want to share? Does he have debts you don't know about? Without knowing the details, it seems odd to delay marriage until you are financially stable, but have a kid in the meantime. Children are a MUCH bigger commitment, financially and otherwise, than marriage. If he is unwillingly to marry, how does that affect your choices and your future? Final thought: when people's words do not match their actions--believe their actions.
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