Newly Separated... now what?

[Scrwriter]

Hi, first time posting here or anywhere else online but I thought I'd give it a shot. A bit about me. I am newly separated. January. Been married 18 years, 3 kids a teenager and two pre-teens. Great kids. I married my wife when I was young. 25, she was 22. I put her through the last two years of undergraduate. We then had our first child. I work in a challenging business and was working my way up. Our child had some developmental issues but we worked on it and gave it the best we could. After 6 years we had another child and then another less than 14 months later. I put her through paralegal school and got her a good job at the very large company I was working at. She was not satisfied being a paralegal and wanted to go to law school. I was supportive, even though it meant that I couldn't pursue higher risk position and put her through law school. After law school I thought I would have a breather financially, she started working as a lawyer with a former colleague from the large company. She was not satisfied with the legal work and wanted to pursue her passion so she applied to be a district attorney. She got the job and the huge pay cut that came with it. Meanwhile I struggled, went from job to job but managed to stay ahead of the game, bought her a big house, took her to italy when she graduated, tried to provide the perfect life for our children including paying for a nanny for 10 years. But things took a turn for the worse last year, market collapse, real estate plunge, I lost several lucrative jobs that year and a ton of money. Things really started to get to me. I am no prize, I can be moody, drink too much and be resentful. So that all played a role. Every time we would fight which was not very often because I avoided it like the plague, she would take it to the nth degree saying she wants a divorce. She said this a few times but things would blow over. Now I'm no saint. I'm not trying to paint myself that way. I know i can be difficult and withdrawn at times but I do think I provided for her and my family well and we did have a lot of good times together. For the previous three years I've been out of the country working for months at a time trying to maintain our lifestyle. She would take the kids on expensive vacations without me. Because of the nature of my work I couldn't plan a year in advance for vacations so I would not be able to go when I job came up. So long story short. Last summer it broke. I blew up at my son for telling me to f-off and slapped him. He's a teenager and a bit out of control. She blew it all out of proportion. My son and I are fine since but she said she wanted a separation. She then used her prosecutorial skills and turned off all emotion, feeling, even talking to me. I asked her several times to go to councelling but she said we went five years ago and she's done nothing wrong. For the next 8 months, I cooked dinner, cleaned the house, stopped drinking, lost 25 pounds, and was generally trying to show her that I cared and wanted her to give it a shot in councelling. She wouldn't even talk to me about it. Then after christmas she asked me to move out. I did without any drama. Moved into my other house, kicked the renters out and now I live down the street. I've made the transition very smooth for the kids. I made her and I sit down with them and explain the separation. She didn't think about how to deal with them but I did some research and thankfully they've made the transition wonderfully. They're happy, healthy and come to my house when they want. I also went out of the country for a couple of months on a job in Feb and March. When I was out of the country, she checked my facebook page and noticed my status changed from married to "it's complicated" there was no choice for the status to be separated. She sent me vitriolic emails about how I was playing around out of the country. She's always been suspicious of me since we were first married, going through my things, computers, email etc. She's never found anything because I have never had an affair, though now I wished I had. I could have had some fun along the way. At any rate, now when I'm back she's going through my garbage, coming to my house when she knows I'm not there. She then lays this bomb on me saying she knows I'm drinking again and I have a problem. Well, yes I am drinking again but what does she care now? I don't feel I have a problem. I quit for 9 months and she didn't care. My friends and family don't think I have a problem etc. She then calls me up a couple of days later saying that she wants me to see a therapist and that I "****ed up her life." Well three kids, two houses, three college degrees later and I ****ed up her life? Then she decides to take off for Las Vegas for the weekend with her work friends for a social/sporting event. I had the kids this weekend and we had a wonderful time. I think she's using the drinking thing as a legal maneuver to gain full custody to make me pay for her lifestyle. I don't know for sure. She has changed so much in the last five years. She never invited me to meet her new DA friends and deals with the worst of the worst in her job, child molesters and murders. I think her whole viewpoint on life has been twisted. I do know that I am fitter than I've been in a long while, people are commenting on how good I look which is nice. When she said she wanted a year of separation, she said that then she will decide if she wants to be in this relationship. When I heard her say that I didn't respond out loud because it would have lead to an argument but when SHE decides? A relationship is just that, two people have to decide. I think I want to move forward with the divorce but am just waiting to refinance some things first. My long winded way of getting to the question... What do I do now? I want to be happy. I want someone who appreciates me. I wouldn't mind to start dating or seeing somebody but she's so unpredictable and has no sense of boundries that could spell disaster. She tosses me out but still wants to control me. What do I do?

[wheelwright]

Not really sure what you should do, but given her legal prowess and bullying leanings, I'd get the separation all legal and sorted before dating.

 

If she is going through your trash, she is either insane (not easy) or looking for evidence to stitch you up (bad).

 

You have a house each, a career each, nice kids. This should be worked out very amicably. Try not to be bitter about what you have given her, the good and the bad. Even though things are not good now, I think it's important to remember the good times fondly.

 

Does she believe that you never had an A? Is she someone who has major trust issues left from childhood? Is it possible that the 'insane' version is right? If any of this may be true, then she needs to talk to someone about it. If this is the case, then by treading very carefully and having some close talks with your W, it may be that reconciliation is possible. Someone who is dealing with such big issues in a way like your W (this is all about ME) may be someone in a lot of pain. When you are in pain, it is much harder to see that it's about other people too. Or she may just be self-seeking and not worth your time. Which version rings true to you?

[Scrwriter]

hey Wheelright, thanks for the reply. i was worrying that I was too verbose in my first post to get anybody to actually read through it to respond. You're response is very much appreciate. First answer is no, i don't think she's insane or crazy in any way. i'm afraid her motives involve more strategy on her part, meaning she's making a case for custody. Afterall, she is a lawyer. But i am not 100 percent sure of that. i had a wonderful weekend with my children this weekend as she went of to Las Vegas. I did not call her on purpose. She called on Sunday afternoon. I knew it was her and gave the phone to my daughter who had a nice convo with her. I was surprised when she asked my daughter to give the phone to me. I spoke with her. Answered a few questions, cheerfully, politely but nothing more. We talked about the kids plans for monday and that was it. She was planing on coming in late on Sunday from Vegas and I said great. I took the kids to school Monday morning and then went to the editing room. i was surprised to get a call from her in the afternoon saying, "just checking in to let you know I'm still alive..." She said she didn't get in till 2:30 in the morning that am. I didn't respond either way, just told her what medicine the kids needed that day and was very pleasant and asked if she could pick them up from after school care today as I had a lot to do. She said yes. I came home from the editing room to my house at 7pm and found both of my sons at my house playing video games. Which is great but I would have liked a call to let me know they were going to be there instead of them coming to an empty house. I didn't call her on it because I love having my kids around. So it's weird. I think she wants to engage me, but after so many months of nothing, I'm not going to respond to her anymore unless she is completely upfront and says she wants to talk about our relationship. Am i wrong to feel this way?

[D-Lish]

I'd start documenting her "trips" and "slips"... Make no mistake she is building a case against you. Although, you must know this if you are a lawyer as well.

 

Document slips like this trip incase she uses what she deems to be your slips against you.

 

If someone is going through your garbage and accusing you of drinking- AND she's a lawyer- she's building a case, not a reconciliation.

[carhill]

Given the business you work in, you should be able to get a referral to a couple of good lawyers; lawyers who are equal to or better than your stbx. Get a female lawyer on board, just to irritate her. Get started proceeding towards dissolution in an orderly fashion. Don't communicate with her at all, other than regarding your children, and only then about logistics. Be completely proactive.

 

Remember, because of her job, she's open and exposed. She works for the government. Use that to your advantage politically. Get advice about how to do that. If she's gone power stupid, you'll need some people on your team who play hard ball and have the clout in the community to do so. Don't be afraid to hurt, but only as a last resort.

 

The key is getting ahead of the curve. Right now you're reacting. That has to end.

 

If your lawyer tells you to go to AA, go. Don't argue and don't lie to your lawyer. You'll hear all kinds of scenarios, all kinds of strategies. Choose carefully.

 

Re-connect with your friends. Build alliances and your social network. Get positive energy out there. You're going to need it. Hug the kids

[Scrwriter]

Unfortunately, i'm not a lawyer. I'm a screenwriter and director. Creative guy. I put her through law school and don't think the way she does. I have created my own monster. Now she's overly talkative and today and sent the kids to my house when I wasn't there. I didn't want to bring it up with her that I have a pool and it could be unsafe etc. They're not small kids but I wouldn't sent them over to my old house without at least informing her that they were coming whether or not she was there. I do feel she is building a case. My family and friends are telling me to keep a journal of all of it and I'm doing my best to do so. But it's a f--ing bummer. I don't want to keep transcripts of my life, or her transgressions, it's just so freaking petty. But I guess I have to do it in self defense. I have spoken to a couple of lawyers, haven't hired one yet. I want to work out the bank loans on the house i'm in before I do that. I'm close, I've renegotiated the big house and now on to the small house. it should take another few months but after that, I'm thinking of filing. She want's to go to mediation but every guy I've talked to who went to mediation got screwed in my eyes. I don't want to spend a ton on lawyers but being in mediation with my STBX who's a lawyer

I would feel out gunned. So should I get things together, skip the mediation, get a lawyer and serve her? Don't want to make a costly mistake.

[carhill]

So should I get things together, skip the mediation, get a lawyer and serve her? Don't want to make a costly mistake.

 

Yes.

 

I wasn't inferring you were in the legal business, but, rather, that, given your profession, you interface with the legal profession, much as I do in business. People know people. You can find an appropriate counsel through referral from colleagues.

 

Your wife gives every indication of being a ballbuster. Better someone else's and not yours. Hope for the best and plan for the rest.

[2sunny]

from the way i see it - your wife shows all the signs of cheating herself.

 

everything she accuses you of - she is most likely guilty of herself.

 

she's the one going away and leaving the kids... document that.

she's the one not keeping track of her kids because she's too distracted with work and other things...

 

set your boundaries.

 

IF anyone is planning to come to your house - permission should be asked first. change the locks so she doesn't have a key, same with the garage door opener - reprogram it. put your trash cans in the garage so she can't snoop.

 

i'd be tempted to place a keylogger on her computer to see what she may really be up to. does she have a cell phone? check that too. have her followed if you need to. i bet you'll find she's the one that been cheating. she's just using the other things as an excuse.

 

here in so cal - she'd be hard pressed to show you to be unfit. i think you'd be able to at least get 50% custody - if not 100% if she out partying and distracted with another man.

 

if life seemed easier or better when you stopped drinking - don't drink. that will never help your cause in these situations.

 

take care of YOU and make it clear that you aren't here any longer to make her life easier. it's all about the kids. she will use you and push you as far as you let her - so don't.

 

start telling her no to everything. focus on your kids, they need you and you need them.

 

be sure to have some simple fun everyday. it helps.

 

i'm sorry for your long marriage ending - it's hard, but life does get better and you will find new ways to be happy again. i promise. if you learn to be happy on your own - you can carry that into a new friendship when you're ready to date. in the meantime get busy living and moving forward.

 

oh ya - when she's being nice - it's her way of manipulating you to get something she wants from you - don't waste your time.

Edited April 20, 2010 by 2sunny

[Scrwriter]

Hey 2Sunny,

She has had a password on her cellphone for years. Never lets me see it. I knows she's texting a lot but when her phone broke and she gave it to me to fix she had erased all her texts. So who knows. Also she recently bought a laptop that she keeps with all the time. I did get one chance to look at it and she was searching this guy's name on facebook and google. He's in the public defenders office. But nothing else. No incriminating emails etc. But who knows. At this point, I don't think I even care. I don't see us getting back together. i just want to survive the divorce.

[You Go Girl]

I don't know what grudges your wife is carrying--but she has momentum, geesh. She's all ready to tear you up and spit you out.

As a woman with a strong personality myself, I do know what it is to hold resentment, and what kind of momentum can follow from that.

I definitely believe as do other posters--that she's setting up the situation to get money from you. I don't know if it's alimony or custody or both-but she knows what she's doing, so assume the worst!

I too believe that she's out there making connections with other men. Whether she's taken it to the point of affair--who knows--but she's making sure that she holds her ego up with attention.

It seems you married a vindictive person who can hold their grudges forever. That said, her going through your garbage, etc., points to nothing less than WAR.

She's also trying to hold all the cards to the deck, and as soon as you start asserting yourself, she is going to get ugly.

I agree with other posters that you need to start documenting everything and preparing for the worst, and protecting yourself.

I don't know what you are doing with the refinancing, but that's obviously in your best interests, so make sure you get atop of that and get it finished before the shyte hits the fan.

I think she's stalling. I don't know what her reason is.

Sure, you getting more fit can definitely add to suspicions, real or imagined.

As far as the drinking goes--you know the rules. Don't drink alone. Drink socially only. Anyone who drinks alone to self-medicate is on the path to disaster. Don't do that to yourself. Wise up and give yourself a good talk if you think of burying your sorrows in the bottle. The bottle isn't anybody's friend.

I'm a bit of a loner at times myself, like to write (unprofessionally so far) and understand the way an imaginative mind can get lost in fantasy. Meanwhile, while you ponder possibilities, dreaming away, your wife is all business. Yet! She's doing a little acting out. These trips--sounds like she is letting her emotional side run amok--and that's where her weakness is.

 

Bottom line is that she's convinced herself that you're some kind of bad guy on some level. She probably has convinced herself that you are promiscuous.

One more thing--she's uptight. You're more relaxed. One way that can play in your favor is that the kids feel probably more comfortable around you. Be the supportive, easy going, non-judgmental dad, (without letting them get away with stuff) and let her be all spit and vinegar at the kids.

[Scrwriter]

Yeah, I am more relaxed. My kids and I had a great weekend. She's now off with them for 5 days for her brother's wedding. So I'm on my own for a while. I don't know what her deal is but the longer I've been married to her the bigger the ball buster that she's become. Now I'm a dominant guy. I have a strong personality and have always had that in our relationship. I think since she's gone to law school her whole thing is to be able to "best" me in an debate or argument. I'm not into moot court games. I don't want a debating partner for a wife. At any rate she's f--ing angry. And I won't rise to the bait. I won't engage in it anymore. She's 41. i'm 45. I don't know what greener pastures she's seeking but I do know that I have a future. I work in a very attractive business in a powerful position which I have never taken advantage of before. I find myself wanting to do that now. Just finished the refinance on the big house. Which she is in. Re-doing the small house now which I'm in and then I want to file. I don't think she'll ever appreciate what I've done for her so why beat my head against a wall?