chainman Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 So I'd been dating a girl for 4 years, we both started dating really young and I'm still trying to figure my life out (I'm 21). For about the past 6 months we'd been fighting a lot, and I'm having a hard time with work due to the economy and it just hasn't been good. So 2 weeks ago she buys an apartment with her sister, and we had planned that once things got better for me I would move in. Well about a week and a half ago we are talking on the phone and start arguing and talking she brings up going on a break, she decided it would be for the best. We've ALWAYS been together never been off and on. I assumed this would only last a few days and was hounding her on the phone showering in with love, bringing her flowers to her house, I wrote her a letter, obviously I know now after some research were all of the WRONG things to do. So then exactly one week ago she tells me we are done, we don't have anything similar and she just doesn't want to have to work to make our relationship work anymore. So I cry and ask for a second chance and she turns me down. So the very next day I decide I am NOT initiating any contact. If she contacts me I'll answer but other then that I'm not. So she's been texting me everyday just a couple times asking me what I'm up to how my days going, whatever. I answer vague and rarely ask a question in return except for the occasional slip. She's calling me EVERY night before bed just to have small talk which I've been trying to be distant. So 2 days ago I'm talking to her on the phone and she calls me while I'm out at the bar. She starts talking about her day and just I can tell she really wants to talk. Tells me she's been having horrible sleeps when I ask why she says she doesn't know, she is acting like she is fine as well as I am. She then asks if I have any plans for Monday (tomorrow) I say just a bit of job hunting but not much, she says she'll be in town and asks if I want to do something. So I tell her give me a call on Monday and I'll let you know I'm not sure if I'll be busy (I know I wont). So I'm confused, I don't know if she wants me back, or just to stay friends? Or what she wants? We've both been acting like we are completely fine but I know we're not. We spent every night and day together these past 4 years and this is the girl I thought I was going to marry. I know everyone says "NO CONTACT NO CONTACT" but I really want to get back together with this girl and I think ignoring her would just drive us apart. If anyone has any ideas on whats going on please let me know.
DustySaltus Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 After she broke it off you went and "showered" her with signs of love. She responded by saying that she was firm in her decision and does not want to try and work things out. So what you need to do is cut all contact with her and let her feel the pain that she has caused you by deciding that she didn't want to work out the issues that plagued the relationship. Don't answer ANY phone calls, ANY texts or ANY emails. She quit on the relationship but doesn't want to feel guilty. That's why she still calls you every night before she goes to sleep. Don't let her off the hook so easily. I was in a relationship from 18-24 so I know how you feel as i'm sure it was your first signifcant relationship. The best response is not response. Focus on yourself. Put all those energies you put into the relationship into something to better YOU. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you refocus that energy. A second chance cannot work unless BOTH people are willing to work out the issues that led to the breakup in the first place. Anything short of her saying she made a mistake and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work is a waste of time. You are not the only one who's feeling the pain. Fall of the face of the earth, don't make yourself available for her own selfish needs and understand that you did nothing wrong.
EthanH Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 woah, tricky situation! Um, this is so difficult. One one hand I can see the benefits of no contact. It seems to have worked since you have split...she wants you back. And yet you haven't been doing no contact as she has been calling you every day. Most people on here would probably say that if you are going to do no contact, you have to do it properly. You have to cut her out, so that she isn't able to hear from you at all... so that she is able to miss you and realise some pretty serious lessons about what she wants/what you mean to her. However, I think I have been in a similar situation to you, whereby, when you send that long with someone and see them that regularly (her sleeping next to you every night)... part of me thinks that it isn't healthy as anyone having had that situation would be like her (ie unable to cut ties with you)...she isn't really seeing the reality of the situation. However, if she has been that close to you and you do cut her off, at first she will find it massively difficult, but eventually, if she is anything like my ex, her first instinct will be to try and replace your company with the company of someone else. I don't mean with another guy in a relationship etc, I mean with friends. And she will be gutted for a while, but eventually, she will start to begin to enjoy herself anymore and the realisation that she isn't as dependent on you as she used to think will be extremely liberating. I guess what I'm saying is, i don't think there is a straight answer in your situation, I would veer towards no contact, but only you know how she would react to that. The thing is, I don't think it is healthy at all for you to always be available for her to contact you. It is unbalanced. And she won't miss you if she is always able to call you up whenever she feels like it. It was her who withdrew, so from my point of view, the only way it can work is if it is her who runs after you. That way it would be balanced. You don't want to get back with her by persuading her, as if that happens, your relationship will be massively unbalanced and whenever she has doubts again, she will wonder why she listened to you, most likely she will blame you for 'tricking her'... and that would make it more likely to she would end it again...
Author chainman Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 (edited) Well I thought I'd give an update on the situation. We hung out on Monday and everything was great. We had fun like we used to have together, it was honestly the best day we had in a long time. So at the end of the day I dropped her off at her place, and she gave me a kiss goodbye and I left. But I couldn't leave it at that being the emotional wreck that I am. I went back over there a little while later and told her we needed to talk. So I spilled out my guts told her how much I love her and that we can make this work yata yata yata. She told me she didn't know what she wanted, and I told her I couldn't be her friend. That if she didn't want me as a partner that I didn't think we could talk anymore. She broke down and told me she doesn't want to lose me as a friend, and still loves me but just doesn't feel that same feeling she used to. She said I'm not the guy she sees herself walking down the isle with anymore. I tell her that people fall in and out of love all the time and we can make it change. So I bring up the idea that we should take a week just to think about what we each truly want with our lives. Then in one week we'll meet up and figure out what we decided. So only a couple days to go and i'll let you know what happened.... Edited April 24, 2010 by chainman
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