"Girlfriend" is scared of hurting me or getting hurt.

[TroubsWoodenshoes]

Hello fellow LoveShackers,

 

I would like some insight and/or advice on my 'problem'. Im sorry for the long story, but i think its important i give as much info as possible.

 

The past two years i have been dating a wonderful but very fragile and sensitive young woman. We are both still very much in love with each other and want to live together and get married in the future.

 

So far, so good.

 

How ever, about 6 months ago she did something that hurt me a little, while she was out clubbing with friends she got drunk and gave a guy she had a tiny crush on a kiss on the cheek. A female friend of hers dared her to give the guy a proper kiss on the lips, which she sadly did...

 

The following day she could not remember much of the night, though she did feel she did something bad and asked her friend about it. Her friend told her what she did, after which my girlfriend completely panicked, appearantly getting physically sick with fear.

Her friend, who is a total sl** and cheating/lying piece of you know what, actually managed to convince her to just lie to me about it and say nothing happened.

 

I did notice she was getting a bit tense and seemed stressed, but i chalked it up to her depression. Eventually though i found out about it through a friend and confronted her about it. I was of course quite upset and dissapointed in her. She broke down and wanted to break up with me because she felt too ashamed to be with me anymore. I was planning to forgive her after letting her do her story and move on. So i forgave her, but she didnt forgive herself.

 

I tried to convince her breaking up over this wasnt what i wanted and that we'll be fine, but the best we could settle on was a pause in our relationship to give her a chance to get over her guilt and shame. She apoligized to the guy for kissing him like that, and she broke all contact with her female 'friend'.

 

We kept seeing each other and not dating anyone else. She kept a fair distance at first but she got closer again after a few weeks.

However she still seems less affectionate and she also seems to be a bit uncomfortable being intimate with me now and then.

 

When i asked her about it, she says she still feels afraid of hurting me by telling me lies or making a mistake and kissing (or worse) someone else.

 

No matter what i try to do to reassure her, she hasnt forgiven herself and isnt sure we will work out and wont end up hurting each other. This causes her to not want to move forward yet and we are stuck in 'limbo'.

 

I am afraid of pressuring her further as she seems to be unwilling to talk if i want to discuss moving forward or express worry over the distance between us and her fears, and what to do about them.

 

Its starting to frustrate me and im at a loss how i can improve things, what do i do?

[allanworks]

ask her if u kissing another women will make her feal better.or maby shes done something uther than just kissing him and she feals bad about that.

[Rorschach]

Doesn't sound like a problem to me, so much as a small issue that'll get better as time goes on.

[boogieboy]

You cant improve things, and she cant feel SO guilty after you forgave her. Shes full of it.

 

I think she is using the guilt act as an excuse to break it off with you. Her friend probably told her to do this.

 

When i asked her about it, she says she still feels afraid of hurting me by telling me lies or making a mistake and kissing (or worse) someone else

.

 

Shes not afraid of making a mistake. You dont make a mistake when you kiss someone else, you do it because the person youre with doesnt do it for you.

 

You think she is very fragile, but I dont think so if she hangs with a girl that you think is a slut. I think she pulled the wool over your eyes.

 

If she is in the club, and she has a crush, and it aint you, then she was shopping and planning on moving on from you, but telling you the bs to break up with you.

 

Check her in a week, and she will be with a new guy. Mark my words.

[eric82]

Boogieboy is spot on. When your girlfriend tells you that she's depressed/confused and acts distant, it usually means the relationship is nearing a break up. In your case, I think that's absolutely what's going on. Don't mistake her guilt and sadness as meaning that she cares about you or the relationship. If she cared, she wouldn't have betrayed your trust and lied to you. Also, she would be reaching out to you at least as much as you've been attempting to, not becoming more distant and making communication more difficult. The bottom line is she's being distant because she doesn't want to be close with you anymore. She's not acting the way she used to with you because things have changed and she's no longer into you. She's bummed out because you didn't turn out to be the guy she wants to be with and she's trying to figure out how to break the news to you without feeling like a bad person, especially considering you have been so (overly) supportive and haven't wronged her like she has you. Do her and yourself a favor and break up with her.

[TroubsWoodenshoes]

Check her in a week, and she will be with a new guy. Mark my words.

 

As i said, this happened about 6 months ago, and she still shows alot of signs of wanting me, and says she wants to get over her fear and start living together with me.

 

So i doubt its her not being interested in me anymore or 'shopping' for another guy.

 

it just frustrates me she isnt moving forward, and not really doing much to get over her fears either. When she's afraid she hides, insted of trying to face it to get over it.

[TaraMaiden]

Boy, she must love crap a whole lot to keep living in it and creating it for herself.

 

She plays into drama because it excites her life. She wants to be the focus of your attention, and be the centre of your world.

This is a form of control, based on low self-esteem.

She is keeping you dangling and anxious by playing the "poor little me", so frightened of putting a foot wrong.

Trust me, consciously or not, she is manipulating this situation to keep YOU exactly where she wants you.

Treating her like the scared ittle girl who needs constant reassurance.

Doing a great job, by the looks of it.

 

Well done.....

[LucreziaBorgia]

She's very good at manipulating you, I'll give her that.

 

You can't improve things. Repeat that over and over to yourself. Why?

 

She's breaking up with you. The reasons don't matter. She doesn't want to be the bad guy and has pretty much manipulated the situation so that you will be sympathetic with her instead of angry with her. She has done that repeatedly, from your post. One day you'll look back at this post and see the outrageous BS she was feeding you and you will be furious that you not only ate it up, you kept going back for more.

 

Give it a month, and she will be telling you that the new guy she is with doesn't mean nearly as much to her as you do, but oddly enough she'll refuse to stop seeing him and will keep you at an emotional arm's length.

 

Funny how things work, ain't it.

[ADF]

You know what? I am having a very hard time believing that your GF is really so ashamed of something so trivial. I smell a rat here. I don't know exactly what the truth is, but I'm fairly sure you haven't heard it yet.

[123BeachFan]

It's very telling that she's painted her (ex) friend as the culprit in the club-kiss situation. It is as if the friend was a temporary bad influence on her and caused her to kiss another man and then lie about it. And your GF was an innocent victim in this whole scenario. Then compounded by her guilt and shame that is paralyzing her ability to fully engage in a relationship with you.

 

Bull s**t.

 

She's pulling away from the relationship for her own reasons. It has nothing to do with her friend's influence or her guilt over lying to you. She's minimizing her level of guilt here when instead she should be mature enough to own up to her own feelings (or lack thereof).

[janie423]

Yeah, she is pulling back. It always amazes me how creative people get when they want out of something. Her reasons (well, the reasons she has given you) are vague . . . she doesn't want to commit to losing the stable relationship she has with you but it sounds like she is over you. I hope I am wrong about this but it sounds familiar.

[phineas]

Yeah, she is pulling back. It always amazes me how creative people get when they want out of something. Her reasons (well, the reasons she has given you) are vague . . . she doesn't want to commit to losing the stable relationship she has with you but it sounds like she is over you. I hope I am wrong about this but it sounds familiar.

 

Yeah it sounds very familiar.

My STBXW did this.

[EasyHeart]

Boy, she must love crap a whole lot to keep living in it and creating it for herself.

 

She plays into drama because it excites her life. She wants to be the focus of your attention, and be the centre of your world.

This is a form of control, based on low self-esteem.

She is keeping you dangling and anxious by playing the "poor little me", so frightened of putting a foot wrong.

Trust me, consciously or not, she is manipulating this situation to keep YOU exactly where she wants you.

Treating her like the scared ittle girl who needs constant reassurance.

Doing a great job, by the looks of it.

 

Well done.....

Yup. Been there, done that. This is the kind of woman you run away from and never look back. She is not capable of having any kind of healthy relationship.

 

It's hard, but run away. Run fast.

[txsilkysmoothe]

Yes, her behavior is a signal she has doubts about being with you. You have blinders on and you really need to view her as an adult not some innocent, fragile angel.

 

Nobody made her kiss another man!

Nobody made her lie to you!

 

Maybe kissing her crush made her realize what she feels for you is not good enough. She sure is holding on to the memory.

 

And I don't understand her "fear." She is afraid she will kiss another man? Afraid she will lie to you again? She is an adult and doesn't know the likelihood that she will or will not do these things?

Edited April 19, 2010 by txsilkysmoothe

[dreamingoftigers]

Actually having had a low self esteem, this woman strikes me a someone very ashamed of herself.

 

Shame will divide you against youself. She may very well feel that she doesn't deserve you. That in itself will make her pull away from you because even though she loves you, she will feel the shame of what she did.

 

I know, I have been through it.

 

I know a lot of people on here are pretty suspicious of cheaters but I actually suspect isn't one of those cases, esp since she went nc with her friend.

 

I would strongly advise you to get her to work on her self-esteem because any relationship won't survive without it. People with low self-esteems do manipulate because they believe they can't have a real connection without being manipulative. The only way to fix it is to get to the root of the problem.

[TroubsWoodenshoes]

Actually having had a low self esteem, this woman strikes me a someone very ashamed of herself.

 

Shame will divide you against youself. She may very well feel that she doesn't deserve you. That in itself will make her pull away from you because even though she loves you, she will feel the shame of what she did.

 

I know, I have been through it.

 

I know a lot of people on here are pretty suspicious of cheaters but I actually suspect isn't one of those cases, esp since she went nc with her friend.

 

I would strongly advise you to get her to work on her self-esteem because any relationship won't survive without it. People with low self-esteems do manipulate because they believe they can't have a real connection without being manipulative. The only way to fix it is to get to the root of the problem.

 

What you have said here is a dead on match with how my girlfriend is. As i mentioned, she is depressed and beats herself up quite badly whenever she hurts someone.

 

She takes full responsibility for her actions, but she ended her friendship with her friend because the friend encouraged her to do things that hurt me, insted of attempting to stop her from doing something stupid.

 

She did not speak to the guy she kissed till when i found out about it and we both went to speak to him so she could tell him it was a huge mistake. According to the guy who told me about the kiss this guy actually was suprised my GF kissed him and pushed her away when he realized what she was doing. (Funny detail, turns out he's gay and would rather kiss me then my GF. )

 

Anyway, there is not a hint of her actually losing interest in me, just being distant and unable to take our relationship to the next level because of fear of doing something like this again. It sadly does match her behaviour pattern.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would actually go as far as to look up information of co-dependency and co-dependent relationships. A lot of troubled relationships start off this way.

[spiderowl]

Sorry but I think this is her way of saying she knows she's going to find someone else because she's not as into you as you are into her. She's warning you in a way. You persuaded her it wasn't a reason to give up on your relationship but you shouldn't need to persuade anyone to be in a relationship with you.

 

People make decisions that they are not always aware of at the time. Some time ago, she decided you weren't the one for her. She may not even have realised this but she was drawn into getting closer to someone else. She knew at that point that it would never have happened if you were the one. She's distancing herself now. I suspect she wants to back out without hurting you, but doesn't know how. And it will hurt because you want her.

 

I'm sorry about all this. You need to let her go. Accept that she's not feeling the same way. When people make decisions deep down, they rarely if ever change their minds. At some point, her feeling that it is wrong to lead you on will come to the surface and surprise her. She'll make some sudden move or statement that will make it clear she can't continue. Trust me, she won't be able to help herself. If you can't opt out, at least you can prepare yourself.

 

I wish I had better news but I've just been where she is now so I know what's likely to be going on in her head. You deserve someone who is completely into you. She's not at fault because she can't help her feelings deep down. It's just not meant to be.

[stillafool]

Hello fellow LoveShackers,

 

I would like some insight and/or advice on my 'problem'. Im sorry for the long story, but i think its important i give as much info as possible.

 

The past two years i have been dating a wonderful but very fragile and sensitive young woman. We are both still very much in love with each other and want to live together and get married in the future.

 

So far, so good.

 

How ever, about 6 months ago she did something that hurt me a little, while she was out clubbing with friends she got drunk and gave a guy she had a tiny crush on a kiss on the cheek. A female friend of hers dared her to give the guy a proper kiss on the lips, which she sadly did...

 

The following day she could not remember much of the night, though she did feel she did something bad and asked her friend about it. Her friend told her what she did, after which my girlfriend completely panicked, appearantly getting physically sick with fear.

Her friend, who is a total sl** and cheating/lying piece of you know what, actually managed to convince her to just lie to me about it and say nothing happened.

 

I did notice she was getting a bit tense and seemed stressed, but i chalked it up to her depression. Eventually though i found out about it through a friend and confronted her about it. I was of course quite upset and dissapointed in her. She broke down and wanted to break up with me because she felt too ashamed to be with me anymore. I was planning to forgive her after letting her do her story and move on. So i forgave her, but she didnt forgive herself.

 

I tried to convince her breaking up over this wasnt what i wanted and that we'll be fine, but the best we could settle on was a pause in our relationship to give her a chance to get over her guilt and shame. She apoligized to the guy for kissing him like that, and she broke all contact with her female 'friend'.

 

We kept seeing each other and not dating anyone else. She kept a fair distance at first but she got closer again after a few weeks.

However she still seems less affectionate and she also seems to be a bit uncomfortable being intimate with me now and then.

 

When i asked her about it, she says she still feels afraid of hurting me by telling me lies or making a mistake and kissing (or worse) someone else.

 

No matter what i try to do to reassure her, she hasnt forgiven herself and isnt sure we will work out and wont end up hurting each other. This causes her to not want to move forward yet and we are stuck in 'limbo'.

 

I am afraid of pressuring her further as she seems to be unwilling to talk if i want to discuss moving forward or express worry over the distance between us and her fears, and what to do about them.

 

Its starting to frustrate me and im at a loss how i can improve things, what do i do?

 

Here's my honest opinion. I don't think your gf was so drunk that she forgot that she kissed her crush. I don't think it is fair to blame her friend for what she wanted to do since she had a crush on this guy anyway. I think your gf woke up and remembered how she felt when she kissed him and may have hopes of one day dating this guy. I think she really wants to be free because she wants to experience dating others.

[stillafool]

What you have said here is a dead on match with how my girlfriend is. As i mentioned, she is depressed and beats herself up quite badly whenever she hurts someone.

 

She takes full responsibility for her actions, but she ended her friendship with her friend because the friend encouraged her to do things that hurt me, insted of attempting to stop her from doing something stupid.

 

She did not speak to the guy she kissed till when i found out about it and we both went to speak to him so she could tell him it was a huge mistake. According to the guy who told me about the kiss this guy actually was suprised my GF kissed him and pushed her away when he realized what she was doing. (Funny detail, turns out he's gay and would rather kiss me then my GF. )

 

Anyway, there is not a hint of her actually losing interest in me, just being distant and unable to take our relationship to the next level because of fear of doing something like this again. It sadly does match her behaviour pattern.

 

Out of all the posts here you chose to believe this one because it is what you want to be true. I hope for your sake dreamingoftigers is correct.

 

I'm so sick of women blaming what they really want to do on alcohol (did she pass out after she kissed him) and worst blaming it on her friend. She could at least take responsibility for her own actions. I agree with the OP that if your gf is so naive and innocent why is she hanging out with a slut? Doesn't she have nice friends like her? Wake up and smell the coffee! Any person would be happy that you forgave them and wanted to move on. She is using this as an excuse to not move forward with you.