annabella724 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I had been seeing this guy for 7 months now. I never knew where I stood with him. We started off as a casual hookup (no sex), which went on for about 5 months. The past 2 months, I was spending most weekends with him, which consisted of going out to bars together, and spending the next day watching TV and having fun conversations about almost anything. So I started to open up to him, slept with him, etc. But it was still hard since I didn't know where I stood. He had told me a couple of times that he hasn't hooked up with anyone since me, and that I was great if I didn't have my jealousy issues (which only existed out of my insecurities of not knowing what we were). I also knew he always told my friends he didn't like it when I danced with other people. He had also suggested that we were dating, but I always came back with "haha, we're not dating", because I was scared of assuming we were. Yesterday, I texted him about me moving on. I was drunk, and I was just so frustrated that he hadn't contacted me that weekend. The next thing I knew, he was at the bar where I was. He asked me what was going on, so I told him that I actually liked him. He came back with, "I actually had a 2 hour conversation with my ex a few days ago about how bad of a bf I was, and as much as I sometimes feel like I want a gf, I don't think I'm ready." He also threw in a, "YOU were the one who kept on saying that we weren't dating." He made it clear that I was his best friend, and weekends would suck without me and wanted to continue to hang out like we have been. It confused me how he said he told his ex about me, and she had told him that he should hold on to me. This made me feel like he had good things to say about me, and made me feel like if I hadn't initiated this talk, we may have been alright. We continued to hang out that day. I crashed at his place but nothing happened. I texted him the next day saying, "Just to address the pink elephant in the room, I never meant to say we were never dating. But were/are we?" His reply was that he wasn't sure about before, but he doesn't think we're dating now. I just replied with a simple "okay", and he asked me whether we're still okay and can still hang out. So I just told him we were fine. It seems that he had once had the same situation with this ex he's talking about (she asked him to be her bf and he said no), but ended up in a relationship afterwards... This kind of gives me hope, but I just don't know... I've never had "the talk" go badly for me before, so I'm not sure... Have I totally ruined everything with this guy for having the talk? Could I ever fix things?
dazzle22 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I have actually never heard of one instance where the 'talk' went well. It always puts the one person in the position of 'persuader' and the other then takes the stance of 'resister'. But it does tend to define the relationship, because the other person usually starts to distance. The problem with 'the talk' is that usually if you have to ask, it is because the other person has been keeping things AMBIGUOUS ON PURPOSE... I think that since it is now 'out there', you may as well go with it. Just tell him quite a bit of time has passed in your friendship, and you are no longer willing to just 'hang out' in a dead end relationship and then distance yourself from him. If he cares for you, he will come back calling, but if he doesn't, well that says something too, doesn't it?
mrt336 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 You've made several mistakes is all I can say haha.
boogieboy Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 When a guy says he doesnt want to be in a relationship, it means he doesnt want one with YOU. He'll tell you everything he has to to keep you giving him what he wants. He wants casual sex and no title to keep his options open. That means youre only temporary until he finds someone better. You cant ruin what was never going to happen.
Pink Cupcakes Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Well, mrt, that wasn't very nice. I would definitely not be available to him for a while to hang out. Like someone else suggested, just kind of disappear until he comes a calling. Then say "Oh, sorry, busy with plans tonight." You are going to have to be VERY ungettable for a while to get this guy. It will drive you nuts but get you the results you are looking for. You have to become a prize and catch worth catching to him.
Author annabella724 Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 Dazzle, thanks for your honest opinion. It is probably true that I should distance myself. Not too sure whether I should say something about all or nothing though. While I do want a relationship with him, I also value his friendship. But I surely won't make myself too available. boogieboy, as much as it hurts, that's kind of what I was thinking. I guess I was hoping it was something more than that because we were hanging out a lot even when we weren't sleeping together... How does one go from the temporary girl to something more? Is that a possibility? And Cupcakes, it's fine what mrt said. I can't argue. Haha... Believe me, if I could take it all back, I would. But since I can't, I'm trying to figure out what to do from here. I think I'm going to go with your plan here. But it makes it hard because he actually just started talking to me on chat about random stuff. I guess he wants to make sure we're okay. I just responded casually like I used to, and ended it after a while. Ignoring him wouldn't be right, right?
boogieboy Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 . How does one go from the temporary girl to something more? Is that a possibility? You could TRY cupcakes way, thats the only way to try. But guys know what they want from you from the get go most of the time. If you dont take his breath away to where he wants a relationship with you from the get go, then you dont "do it" for him. You wont be able to at that point either. Go find a guy that wants a relationship from you right in the beginning. Get a guy thats on the same page. Theres no hard work when youre both on the same page.
dazzle22 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Dazzle, thanks for your honest opinion. It is probably true that I should distance myself. Not too sure whether I should say something about all or nothing though. While I do want a relationship with him, I also value his friendship. But I surely won't make myself too available. boogieboy, as much as it hurts, that's kind of what I was thinking. I guess I was hoping it was something more than that because we were hanging out a lot even when we weren't sleeping together... How does one go from the temporary girl to something more? Is that a possibility? And Cupcakes, it's fine what mrt said. I can't argue. Haha... Believe me, if I could take it all back, I would. But since I can't, I'm trying to figure out what to do from here. I think I'm going to go with your plan here. But it makes it hard because he actually just started talking to me on chat about random stuff. I guess he wants to make sure we're okay. I just responded casually like I used to, and ended it after a while. Ignoring him wouldn't be right, right? Well, Boogie Boy is right. Guys know real quick whether in their mind this is Ms Right, or Ms Right Now, and of course he's not going to spill the beans on THIS one! So where do you think, from your friend's actions that you may fall.? Do you think there is that 'spark' on his side? That's number one. Then number two, you have to decide what kind of relationship YOU want with this guy. People interact differently in 'just friends' relationships than potential mate relationships. In the second, you try to BUILD sexual tension, in the first you try to AVOID it.
2sunny Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 your talk really amounted to nothing. nothing was firmly addressed or resolved. mainly because neither one of you are willing to admit whether or not you have true feelings for the other. in fact, it appears that you spend time together and have sex mainly because there's no better options for either side. that's not good enough to sustain a long term committed relationship. since you've dated does he make an effort to take you out on dates that take effort and planning on his part? or does he just take you to the bar and home for the weekend of tv like you described?
mrt336 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I don't think it has anything to do with him not thinking she's worth dating. It has everything to do with him bringing up the issue, "suggesting" they were dating as the OP said and her shooting it down... "haha we're not dating." You kinda screwed yourself here. There are some things you don't joke about and this would be one of them.
Author annabella724 Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 (edited) boogieboy/Dazzle, thanks for the response. I guess you see it as it would have been the same result even if I hadn't had the talk? I guess that makes me feel a little better in a way knowing that it wouldn't have been anything more in the first place... but it's also devastating. Dazzle, I'm not so sure about what you mean when you say, "In the second, you try to BUILD sexual tension, in the first you try to AVOID it." Are you saying that I should try to avoid sexual tension if I think he had a spark on his side to begin with? I actually think I made my feelings clear when I had the talk, 2sunny. I told him that I actually liked him, and that I never meant to make it sound like we weren't dating. But it's true that I never showed it until then, because I was scared. I guess I assumed he would know if I was spending that much time with him. To answer you question, it was pretty much what I described. He did occasionally ask me to dinner or to stay another night (without sex), but it was always after the usual. mrt, sometimes I wish I hadn't had the talk, but just casually asked him if we were dating. It may have been less heavy, huh? And maybe it could've fixed what I had done in shooting him down. I know I screwed up... I just want to try to fix it... He actually asked me to lunch today. I was already going with a mutual friend, so I told him that. He contacted my mutual friend and we ended up going together. I tried not to have one-on-one conversations but stayed friendly, happy, and I tried to joke like I usually do. Is he trying to check up whether everything is fine? Edited April 19, 2010 by annabella724
2sunny Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 if he knows specifically and clearly how you feel - wait to see if he continues to make a big effort to see you and to date you. this should be the time where he is really making an effort to romance you - to make you feel special and wanted. let him chase you a bit - let him make more effort.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Your talk didn't ruin anything. If anything it uncovered this one very important bit: I sometimes feel like I want a gf, I don't think I'm ready.
ADF Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I don't think you ruined anything. It sounds like this guy wanted a FWB, not a GF. That is fairly common. Many guys--I want to say most guys--actually prefer having a FWB to having a GF, because a FWB gives them everything a GF does, but with no strings. FWB is the ultimate have-my-cake-and-eat-it-too situation for men. You wanted more, and he didn't. It is just a shame you didn't find out what his real agenda was sooner.
janie423 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Your talk didn't ruin anything. If anything it uncovered this one very important bit: totally agree with this . . . if you hadn't felt uncomfortable in the first place you would not have moved into that territory of discussion. Don't beat yourself up, you have a right to clarity. He told you what you need to know, now live your life accordingly, if he wants to advance the relationship the ball is in his court. Enigmatic behavior is a great way to keep a woman confused all the time - great way to maintain distance. You called him on it.
Arasae Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 So.. I've actually been in a situation very similar to this. I was with a guy who refused to be with me for 11 months, but it ultimately turned into a 3 year relationship. Those 11 months were hell on Earth, and we ended up breaking up due to lack of sex--kind of funny how that started, a relationship based on sex ending due to lack of it. Hah. Anyway. From someone who's been there, I think you should move on. He's not worth it--and it sounds like if you start to move on, if you find someone else, he'll do the exact thing my ex did and start pursuing. I made the mistake of giving in. Guys like him tend to drag you through completely unsatisfying relationships (if you do enter into one with him). Now that I'm dating someone who is obviously into me, smarter, hotter, taller, and better in bed, trust me, I'm not wishing I'd spent more time with stinky-the-time-waster. I think you should cut the loser off and go find yourself a man who can't keep his hands or mind off of you and wants to be with you from the get go. Trust me on this one, it is SO much better not to play the game you're playing. So.. there's my opinion, take it or leave it! Either way, good luck!
dazzle22 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 boogieboy/Dazzle, thanks for the response. I guess you see it as it would have been the same result even if I hadn't had the talk? I guess that makes me feel a little better in a way knowing that it wouldn't have been anything more in the first place... but it's also devastating. Dazzle, I'm not so sure about what you mean when you say, "In the second, you try to BUILD sexual tension, in the first you try to AVOID it." Are you saying that I should try to avoid sexual tension if I think he had a spark on his side to begin with? I actually think I made my feelings clear when I had the talk, 2sunny. I told him that I actually liked him, and that I never meant to make it sound like we weren't dating. But it's true that I never showed it until then, because I was scared. I guess I assumed he would know if I was spending that much time with him. To answer you question, it was pretty much what I described. He did occasionally ask me to dinner or to stay another night (without sex), but it was always after the usual. mrt, sometimes I wish I hadn't had the talk, but just casually asked him if we were dating. It may have been less heavy, huh? And maybe it could've fixed what I had done in shooting him down. I know I screwed up... I just want to try to fix it... He actually asked me to lunch today. I was already going with a mutual friend, so I told him that. He contacted my mutual friend and we ended up going together. I tried not to have one-on-one conversations but stayed friendly, happy, and I tried to joke like I usually do. Is he trying to check up whether everything is fine? Sorry. I confused things by listing two things and then adressing the second thing first. In just friends relationships, you try to avoid sexual tension. With a potential BF you want to increase sexual tension and sexual attraction. Two different "ways of being" in relationships, and sounds like things are kind of blurry in your friendship. Yes, you want to be great friends, but if you desire him in a sexual way, you have to play your hand differently.
Yandere Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 (edited) Oh nonono youre talk didnt ruin anything it just brought up what needed to be brought up sooner rather than later.. it was bound to come up. He sounds like he doesnt know what he wants and you do know what you want.. you know, so why not bring it up? As for him checking up if you're fine n stuff.. he hasn't been scared off or anything, i think you maybe do need to talk alittle more about where you both stand though.. Either way, good luck Edited April 19, 2010 by Yandere
Author annabella724 Posted April 19, 2010 Author Posted April 19, 2010 (edited) Lucrezia/ADF/janie, you guys have all been so helpful. Thanks so much. I'm starting to feel a little better about what I've done. If anything, I don't spend time wondering about what we are, and worry about our relationship like I used to. Arase, I'm sorry about what happened. 3 years is surely a long time. I'm interested to know how it suddenly turned into a relationship though. Is it when you kind of gave up that he pursued? I'm actually scared I'll fall into the same pattern as you described... dazzle/sunny2, I do feel like that's what I need to do. I've decided that thinking too much about everything will only stress me out more. It would probably be best if I let things take their course and see what happens. In the meantime, I'll just try to improve myself, live my own life, and continue to be the bubbly person that I usually am. Yandre, I was happy to see that he wasn't scared off. I felt like it showed that he actually liked me as a person - not just as a person he can just use and throw away. I do feel like a lot hasn't changed though. But I'm going to see how things go for a while before I have anymore talk about where we both stand. I think that maybe he's doing his best to show me that he still cares for me as a person, and I don't want him to feel like I'm still pursuing him. If anything, he knows how I feel, and the ball is in his court. I'm just going to see how things go Edited April 19, 2010 by annabella724
kiss_andmakeup Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I agree with everyone who said your talk didn't ruin anything. It just brought all the feelings (or lack thereof) to the surface. He sees you as a friend with benefits, and that's likely the only way he will see you, especially if it's been 7 months. If I were you I'd move on. Don't give him the privilege or option of having you back. He says he'd miss having you around...well of course he would...he wouldn't be getting a free lay anymore!
D-Lish Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I always discourage Women from bringing up "the talk", as it seldom works in their favour. A good rule of thumb is that if you aren't sure about where you stand- it usually indicates that you have good reason to worry. In your case, it's been 7 months. By 7 months, he should know his intentions. You should have had a good idea how he felt by now. I don't think bringing up the talk ruined things, I think your feelings that he wasn't ready were spot on before you brought it up. He just vocalized it when you opened the door for discussion. I wouldn't continue to hang out with him, it sends the wrong message. It says you are okay with the crumbs he is offering. If anything, cutting off contact with him gives him something to think about. If he doesn't want a relationship right now, hanging out with him isn't going to change that. Going N/C could change that if he decides he misses you. If you want to regain some of the power, finalize the break up with him and move on. You like him, you want a relationship with him, he wants to continue hanging out on his terms when he feels like it. Don't allow that to happen anymore, take a stand.
norajane Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 But it's true that I never showed it until then, because I was scared.If you're scared to show how you feel about someone, you already know that you feel more for him than he does for you. If he had been clear about wanting you, you wouldn't have felt scared. You would have felt welcomed into his life. Guys who are truly into you, show it. Move on from this guy. Don't waste any more time with him. And next time, make it perfectly clear from the start to any guy you are "hanging out" with that you are the kind of girl who wants a relationship or friendship, but not fwb with a guy. Don't ever be afraid to be clear about what you want and don't want. The losers who only want fwb will seek it elsewhere with someone who gives it to them, and you won't waste your time getting attached to them. And it will free you to actually date people who are interested in you as a girlfriend.
alphamale Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 ... Have I totally ruined everything with this guy for having the talk? Could I ever fix things? no and yes...
alphamale Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I always discourage Women from bringing up "the talk", as it seldom works in their favour. i've always let the chicks bring up the dreaded "talk"....don't believe i've ever initiated it
i'mfaraway Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I'm sorry about it. You could see it this way. That whether you had the talk, things wouldn't have been great since the guy feels this way. Your talk didn't necessarily draw that out of him. If anything, your talk should make you realize that you should stop hanging out with him if you want anything more from a relationship. He just wants his cake and eat it. It's up to you to not let him.
Recommended Posts