Should I contact him?? let me know what you think!

[devastated83]

Hi-I really need some advice, about a month ago my ex and I were fighting a lot (caused my me might I add ) and out of the blue he asked for time apart to explore whether he still wanted to be with me and he felt his feelings had changed. During this break he told me if I got with anyone else he would never get back with me. We didn’t have any contact for 2.5 weeks, although I randomly bumped into his friends a few times-I was really proud of myself that I acted really calm around them, pretended like I was fine & didn’t ask them any questions at all about the way he was feeling. They even asked my friends whilst I was at the bar what was going on between me & my ex and asked how I was doing

 

A few days after I saw his friends I got an email & then a text asking how I was and if he could come over. I reacted quite coldly and was like ‘um yeah I guess so’ So he arrived that night & I didn’t go to hug or kiss him as I felt it wasn’t appropriate esp as I felt he was about to end it. He lay down on my bed next to me, very relaxed and we chit chatted then I asked him what he wanted to talk about, he said he had been thinking all day at work what to say but now didn’t really know. He then proceeded to ask me what I was feeling & did I miss him. To protect myself, because I am very proud I said ‘um yeah I guess so, not so much at first but this last weekend definately’ He acted very taken aback but I also did say I still wanted to make it work (we only saw each other 1-2 times a week as he has a full time job & massive study schedule, and that I would make more of an effort to come over to see him in the week (which I hadn’t before) But I also kept on saying ‘Im really confused at the moment’ (Im not-I want to be with him but I have a hard time being honest with my feelings because I don’t want to set myself up for rejection) He then said that he didn’t want a girlfriend and was enjoying not having to plan out his weeks according to having to see me. But then he got really defensive saying ‘I knew you didn’t miss me the moment you opened the door and didn’t hug or kiss me’ I felt like I was being tested or something and I told him so. So anyway then he just started to say I love you but im not in love, I didn’t miss you as much as I thought I should have and that if he looked on fb and saw me with another guy he wouldn’t be jealous! Which I think is a bit over-dramatic and uneccesary.

 

So anyways ultimately I just said after that there is no going back, you have said that now, I guess we are done. I then stupidly started saying that maybe we never really love each other in the first place and it was infatuation etc just because I didn’t want to show my pain. I didn’t cry at all-as he was leaving he said he still wanted to be in contact & be friends and I said I don’t want to have contact at the moment and he started to get teary and said he had to leave before he lost it.

 

The next day I sent him an email saying thanks for coming over and ending it in person, that I didn’t think it was fair for him to blame me for not making the effort –He had said ‘ I told you you were the one and I wanted to have kids with you and I felt like I got nothing in return’ which ISNT true! I then said I didn’t know if I believed there wasn’t someone else closer to home involved but as we are done now who we get with is none of the others business. I then said this break was the right thing to do and reconfirmed that I no longer wanted contact for the time being. He responded an hour later saying that he felt like he had been nothing but truthful and I had to know there was no one else involved because he would hate for me to think he chose someone else over me. He said again how much he ‘really wanted to be friends’ and to contact him if I ever needed anything because he still cares for me alot and wants me to be happy and that he had enjoyed the last six months and didn’t regret anything. I responded with a short email saying ok, please respect my wishes and don’t contact me and for him to take care. I haven’t contacted him since-its been nearly two weeks-I miss him so much. My Mum & Dad seem to think he came over to work things out and because I was cold & didn’t express how much I missed him and acted though I didn’t care that I bruised his ego and he ended it. Hes a really straight down the line guy but very insecure (his last gf cheated on him with a workmate and I sensed he was getting worried I was going to do the same-of course I wouldn’t) To top it all off now one of my best friends is going on a date with one of his best friends (which my ex encouraged) which makes things harder! I was thinking of contacting him after 3 weeks and just saying hi and asking him how he is (no talk of the break up)

 

Is this a bad idea? Does anyone agree with my parents? Or is it false hope?

[EthanH]

ok.

 

Phew! I'm going to give you my honest opinion on this... so if I say something harsh, sorry, but I'm only being honest.

 

The main thing which screamed out at me throughout your whole post was how you made a MASSIVE mistake by not just being honest. You played games by being proud and acting in the OPPOSITE way to how you felt. Acting cold to someone, acting like you don't care etc etc, what do you really see is the benefit of that? Couldn't you see that if you did that, it was going to change his mind on things (his decision was based on how he felt AND how he saw you acting)... So from this, learn the lesson, act how you feel, and that way you will always be sure that anyone reacts based on your real feelings (the confusion as to what your parents said, that he may have been acting on the basis of your false actions would never occur)... saying things like that you didn't miss him when you did, is just stupid and counterproductive.

 

I think you need to think about why you felt the need to act...what were you scared of about being honest?

 

As for his actions. I think first and foremost, he was totally wrong to give you the ultimatum he gave you, and that you accepted it was totally wrong. He controlled you. He said that he wanted a break, but that you couldn't get with anyone? He sounds too sure that you would do anything for him! He had all the power, and thus it is little surprise that he came back and said he didn't want to be with you anymore, it sounds like the relationship was totally unbalanced.

 

IF you want to somehow get him back...(I'm not sure, but the fact you ask the stuff at the end suggests you do)... then don't mess around...just be honest with him... stop hiding your feelings, and if you do contact him and he says he still doesn't want to be with you, then fine, at least you know you gave it everything. If you like this guy, stop playing games...or you will regret it.

[devastated83]

Thanks for your reply-I know that I probably shouldnt have been so cool about the whole thing and agreed with him but I honestly feel that begging is so undignified and I tried that on the day he first said he wanted to go on a break. Im sorry but I believe that there is no way someone will ever come back to you if you act needy, insecure and like you can't live without them. I can live without my ex, Im doing it everyday and for the moment I accept it is over and I have been going out and having fun (I was never ever needy toward him, In fact I usually waited for him to contact me at the beginning of our relationship and the night he broke up with me he said that part of the problem was that I was the complete opposite-he said "once your in a committed relationship you dont need to play hard to get anymore"), but I still love & miss him and I think he is a great guy. I realise that my game playing is an issue. I just want somebody to let me know-from the way my ex reacted do they think he still has feelings for me & is it worth me contacting him to say hi?? I just feel that the fact he asked me straight off what I was thinking and did I miss him and got mad when I was like 'sort of' and cried even though I wasnt must mean something?