girl2001 Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Hello everyone. I am new to this forum so please bare with me. I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now. We have had a good relationship overall, we have our problems as all couples do. We have lived together for over a year now. We have a lot of mutual friends who we socialize with. After we will hang out with some friends my boyfriend will often times tell me that I reacted or acted in a negative way. Like we played monopoly the other night with some of our friends and I got a tad competitive. I tried to get my one friend to trade with me and told her we may lose the game if we didn't. I saw her look a little annoyed and she said no. I dropped it then after that. After our friends left then my boyfriend told me that I pissed our friends off and they were probably really upset with me. He said I was acting silly because it was just a game. Am I just being oversensitive? Or is he in the wrong here?
Rorschach Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Hello everyone. I am new to this forum so please bare with me. I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now. We have had a good relationship overall, we have our problems as all couples do. We have lived together for over a year now. We have a lot of mutual friends who we socialize with. After we will hang out with some friends my boyfriend will often times tell me that I reacted or acted in a negative way. Like we played monopoly the other night with some of our friends and I got a tad competitive. I tried to get my one friend to trade with me and told her we may lose the game if we didn't. I saw her look a little annoyed and she said no. I dropped it then after that. After our friends left then my boyfriend told me that I pissed our friends off and they were probably really upset with me. He said I was acting silly because it was just a game. Am I just being oversensitive? Or is he in the wrong here? He has yet to grasp the importance of personality types, nothing wrong with being an extremely competitive person, as long asyou realize that you may infact put some people off. As a for instance I use to play card/board games with another couple when me and my ex were still together. My friends wife would always get super competitive and use her husband to win. saying things like 'I won't have sex with you if you don't...' or just getting really annoyed when she was losing. i got mad at the first couple of times but eventually I realized it's just a particular personality type. What your boyfriend could do is better learn about personalities and learn to better relate to them, that saves alot of stress. What you can do is realize when you're going a little overboard and hold back. I don't think either one of you is really 'wrong' but I'd say your BF was pretty out of line bringing it up the way he did.
Author girl2001 Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 Thank you very much for your reply. You may be right that he has to understand different personalities. I can be sensitive sometimes, I grew up with very critical parents who were always making me feel bad. So maybe I am more sensitive to his remarks then another girl would be. I have told him that this bothers me (his comments about behavior) but he seems to still do it. We got in a fight about it last night but made up this morning. I guess I just don't know how much of this is my own issue or his?
Rorschach Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Thank you very much for your reply. You may be right that he has to understand different personalities. I can be sensitive sometimes, I grew up with very critical parents who were always making me feel bad. So maybe I am more sensitive to his remarks then another girl would be. I have told him that this bothers me (his comments about behavior) but he seems to still do it. We got in a fight about it last night but made up this morning. I guess I just don't know how much of this is my own issue or his? Over this particular issue it's hard to say (I'd have to have actually watched the monoply game to see if you were truly out of line). But if you were out of line then it's both of your faults, certainly your BF could have brought it up in a more tactful manner, but maybe you could have played monopoly a little more tactfully as well
dazzle22 Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Thank you very much for your reply. You may be right that he has to understand different personalities. I can be sensitive sometimes, I grew up with very critical parents who were always making me feel bad. So maybe I am more sensitive to his remarks then another girl would be. I have told him that this bothers me (his comments about behavior) but he seems to still do it. We got in a fight about it last night but made up this morning. I guess I just don't know how much of this is my own issue or his? My ex was like this...this goes ON and ON and is the pattern of how he will be. Nothing was ever right. Not my humor, not how I dressed, you name it, pick, pick, pick.... Now here is something you really need to consider. You have CHOSEN this guy because he reminds you of 'home', your parents, what feels comfortable, you know.... It feels psychologically 'right' for you to be with a person like this. But don't feel bad, we all pick our lovers this way when we are young, until we become self aware of the repeating, self-defeating pattern....
ADF Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 It is not your BF's job to tell you how to behave. You're not a child, and he isn't your parent. Your friends aren't children, either. If you behaved in a way that annoyed them, they should have said something. If they ddin't, that's on them. This guy sounds pretty controlling to me.
lsb Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 I think by him saying that your friends are pissed off and upset at you was wrong. He has no way of knowing that and even if he did, he really has no reason to say that. I think, for some reason, he was upset with you. As if you are supposed to act a certain way. Or he could have been upset about something else. You may want to ask him, what that was about?
boogieboy Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Strike 1. you noticed your friend was irritated at you before your bf said something strike 2. He said they were irritated by you. IF you could see yourself that your friend was irritated at your behavior then you need to look into that, you dont even have to worry about your bf's reaction. You might have to look at the way you act with your friends, ask THEM how they thought your behavior was that night. If they say something negative, your bf was right, and you need to learn to take critizism about your behavior.
Author girl2001 Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 I have not had time to right lately, sorry! Anyway, thank you so much for the responses, you are all being very helpful. We had another argument this morning which is very rare for us. Today was take your family to work day at my bf's job so he invited me to come see where he works. I was getting ready for work this morning myself and he said "ya know, you could come home after work and change first so you would look nice." So I said it would be inconvient to do so, it would take me longer. Then the low self esteem girl that I am said "so I don't look nice in work clothes?" He got upset at that comment and said I was being paranoid. Long story short, we started arguing and I told him that I was feeling that he was being overly critical and hurting my feelings. He said that I do the same thing to him, giving my opinion on his clothes. Is that the same thing? I don't know. I'm starting to get confused whether or not it is him who is being too critical/controlling or am I taking this too personally and overreacting because I have low self esteem?
Rorschach Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Your boyfriend is just really tactless. I think what he was thinking is that he wanted to show you off to all his work friends, and he knows that if you were wearing something special you'd look even better so he could brag about how hot you were, but when he tried to say that it came out all backwards.
Author girl2001 Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Your boyfriend is just really tactless. I think what he was thinking is that he wanted to show you off to all his work friends, and he knows that if you were wearing something special you'd look even better so he could brag about how hot you were, but when he tried to say that it came out all backwards. okay, so you don't think he is controlling? I personally don't think he is, I mean he can act like an idiot but I think everyone can at some point. He is never bossy or talks down to me. I guess it just confuses me when he says things the wrong way. I get all paranoid that he is going to turn into this hypocritcal controlling guy. I love him and want to marry him someday when we are ready. So I want to try and work this out because we have been together for a long time.
Rorschach Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Just from the two examples I have I wouldn't say he is controlling. I'm hesitant to make an absolute conclusion since I don't have all the information you do. But it seems to me like he just wanted you to look your best when you met his coworkers and didn't mean to offend/control you.
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