redmelon Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 ugh, it hurts today. my brain is consumed with replaying the whole awkward mess and dissecting every word and expression. so much for indifference. i still care...and it's simply terrible.
bluz73 Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 ugh, it hurts today. my brain is consumed with replaying the whole awkward mess and dissecting every word and expression. so much for indifference. i still care...and it's simply terrible. Ugh I am sorry..I hope I NEVER run into my ex and have to deal with reliving the mess again also. It sucks cause he lives in my town. Did you two talk at all that made you think or was it merely seeing the person? Im so scared of this happening to me
Odyssey Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 i know exactly how you feel . . .emotions come flooding back again. hope it was brief. (take care of yourself)
onewillburn Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 There have been many occasions recently where I think I am going to run into her, but I am at such a place mentally these days that I honestly think of her as somebody leagues below me. That sounds arrogant, but it's just the honest truth of how I feel. I feel like I have evolved so much beyond who I was when I was in that relationship. From the things I have heard, she has not. And, even if she has, I'm just...I feel on a different plane. Like I am this giant and she is just this small, inconsequential being. The vindictive and pathetic things she has done since we broke up have only supported this idea and revealed to me the true kind of person she is and that is way far below the person I am growing into. I wouldn't be nervous at all if I saw her. I might be a little caught off guard, but due to various different events in the past year, I've almost mastered the art of the confrontation and self-control. And being almost entirely indifferent to her existence helps (though I stress the word "almost", there are still bumps in the road). Like, what did you even talk about? I would literally have nothing to say to my last ex and that isn't even out of bitterness or anything. Updating her on my life would feel like an empty and pointless conversation just for show. I have no reason to want to impress her or make her jealous. I don't miss any part of her personality. I have...no use for her in my life in any way. It's good that you can admit to yourself that you still care, though. In time, you will get to that point where it wouldn't matter if you were stuck in an elevator with this person. Are you seeing other people at all?
Author redmelon Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 Thanks for the replies. We did speak briefly. He was definitely "on" something. This was at a show in our area. So, the things he said weren't very imaginative or interesting. For example, "I remember those earrings..." He wanted a hug and told me that it was great to see me through bloodshot, dilated googly eyes. He looks exceptionally thin and the bags under his eyes have never been bigger. I think it's coke, as he has been a fan in the past, and actually jeopardized the relationship by lying about using at one point. Lovely, I know... This encounter showed me he hasn't changed. It showed me that he has the maturity of a middle schooler. It should have been enough to reinforce all the decisions I made, but I still felt sad and totally overwhelmed in that moment. I felt pulled toward him, and I felt weak. It is slowly lifting since the weekend, but I have had to take my anxiety meds for 2 days now, haven't taken them at all for many months. I just didn't expect that it would have such an impact. I know it takes me longer than the average bear to get through heartbreak, as I think and analyze and obsess too much. I just feel shocked in the knowledge that I am not nearly as far along as I had thought.
Odyssey Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 OP, you can spend hours, days, weeks, even months analysing a situation trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, should've, or would've happened. Or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the f*ck on. It's better that way. Less stress... ...the way i see it, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who couldn't give up on them. He gave up. Stay strong. Stay nc...you'll pull through.
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