Cure for jealousy, i hate it, but can't help it!!

[amerikajin]

Monkey,

 

Here's the deal, dude. The thing you have to remember about every woman is that they have an interest level in a guy.

 

At first, when things are going well, it's often around 80 percent, and from there it can go higher or lower depending on how you play the situation.

 

At 80 percent, where most dating relationships begin, she's curious about you and shows a genuine interest. She's laughing at your jokes. She wants to spend time listening to you talk. She wants to call you. She wants to know your future plans. She wants to know what makes you tick.

 

What happens in a good, strong relationship that eventually leads to marriage is that the interest level really goes up into the stratosphere - 90 percent or higher! That's when she just can't get enough of you. She starts thinking about future plans. A house. Kids. In-laws. When you're here, your s*** doesn't stink.

 

What happens in most relationships though is the other scenario. The interest level drops. In a relationship like yours, where two people go out for a period of time but never got married or make a commitment, the interest level hovers around 80 for a while. Obviously, she found you interesting enough to keep talking to and to overlook some of your quirks. But eventually, if you fail to move up that hill, time will gradually pull you down. She starts thinking that this isn't going anywhere, and even though you've not changed your approach, this is, in her mind, a strike against you. It's kinda like the sales guy who keeps talking and talking to the prospective buyer but never quite closes. Eventually the customer sees the clock, realizes he's hungry and goes home for dinner saying "I'll be back tomorrow"....and by now we know that he doesn't come back.

 

In shorter-term relationships, the interest level drops faster, like within the first few dates. The guy says and does all the wrong things and it doesn't take too long for the girl to figure out that she's moving on. If you're in the 50-80 percent range, you're still dating, but you're dating someone who is still comparing you to other guys out there, and you're in danger of being "49ed."

 

"49ed" is when her interest level drops below 50...and there's no recovery from that.

 

Unfortunately, I'd say you're in 49 territory, and I'm sorry, but you've got to move on. She ain't comin back.

[monkey]

Amerikajin, when we met i was a hippy that didn't care too much about the future & had a bad long grungy haircut, now i'm clean, i stopped all the bad influences in my life, i'm optimistic about my career & a much better person.

 

We went together to start a life in the USA, to both work & live. I had a good job lined up. So this has **** all to do with improving myself in that sense.

I GOT ILL & she helped me & it affected her, now she needs to get better.

In 15 months, i have improved in all walks of life 100%, i'm a much more attravtive person now than i was then. Geez, when i met her, i was not offering anything, but now i'm so much better, she says the same, but this anxiety problem freaked her.

[amerikajin]

>>>when we met i was a hippy that didn't care too much about the future & had a bad long grungy haircut<<<

 

She may have thought you were easy-going, mild-mannered and generally fun to be around. She may have been attracted to you for those reasons.

 

>>>We went together to start a life in the USA, to both work & live. I had a good job lined up. So this has **** all to do with improving myself in that sense. <<<

 

I didn't say anything about improving yourself. I only talked about interest level. She may have never seen a future with you. You may have been just a really cool boyfriend. There are many different kinds of angles this could have, and you'd probably have to get a female to have a one-on-one with her in private to really pull the truth out of her.

 

>>>I GOT ILL & she helped me & it affected her, now she needs to get better. In 15 months, i have improved in all walks of life 100%, i'm a much more attravtive person now than i was then. Geez, when i met her, i was not offering anything, but now i'm so much better, she says the same, but this anxiety problem freaked her.<<<

 

Attraction and interest level are strange things, Monkey. You may think that a promotion and getting on the straight and narrow are what your gf was looking for, but the fact is she wasn't attracted to that guy you became, she was attracted to the guy she left England with. The question you have to ask is "Why?" Once you get that figured out (good luck), then you have to ask yourself a question that only you can answer: do I really want this kind of woman?

[monkey]

I know your intentions are right but she realy hated my hair & my clothes, i always wore black & the end product i turned into was a lot more like what she wants, she doesn't drink & hates the places i used to go, she made me realise that what i was doing was counterproductive in my life & i thank her for that.

She said she was attracted to me because of my heart & warmth. But i had to get that hair cut & in a way i agreed, i just was a pretentious rocker & it looked awful.

She saw a different side to me, but your right, i was always fun & a little crazy & mabe she liked that & this anxiety prob has freaked her & seen a different side to me, but i'm fixin it.

[amerikajin]

>>>I know your intentions are right but she realy hated my hair & my clothes, i always wore black & the end product i turned into was a lot more like what she wants, she doesn't drink & hates the places i used to go, she made me realise that what i was doing was counterproductive in my life & i thank her for that. <<<

 

She hated all of those things about you, yet this is exactly how you were before she ever knew what your voice sounded like or anything else about you for that matter. Even through it all, she was still interested enough in you to overlook those things for a while. Now, over time, it's quite possible that those seemingly trivial matters would have contributed to a fall in the interest index. But the thing you should remember is that it is her interest level - her overall perception of you - that declined over time. I don't think this illness by itself caused her to lose interest in you, but her interest in you had dropped just enough that when this happened, it put her down into the danger zone - "49 territory". In other words, you didn't have the margin for error that a successful husband might have.

 

>>>She said she was attracted to me because of my heart & warmth.<<<

 

No, that's not it at all. There are lots of guys out there with heart and warmth who are sitting at home on a Saturday night without a date. Women will tell you cr@p like that because it somehow reassures them that they're good people when they hear themselves say it. The truth is, she was attracted to you because at one time you were this mystery she had to figure out. You weren't a scary mystery, but an intriguing one. But once she peeled off the layers, as is so often the case, she decided that she'd learned as much as she wanted to know. I'm not saying that to piss on your parade, or to dash your hopes, I'm just trying to be realistic with you. It's happened to me and a lot of other guys who were all sure we had a good thing going just like you.

 

>>> But i had to get that hair cut & in a way i agreed, i just was a pretentious rocker & it looked awful.

She saw a different side to me, but your right, i was always fun & a little crazy & mabe she liked that <<<

 

You did all of those things she supposedly wanted, thinking they were going to raise her interest in you...yet you're still single. She liked the guy she first met, a guy she didn't know but wanted to know better, someone she wanted to explore. Unfortunately, I think she's telling you that the journey's over.

 

>>>& this anxiety prob has freaked her & seen a different side to me, but i'm fixin it.<<<

 

I'm afraid there's nothing to fix. She fixed it already.

[monkey]

If every relationship is a mystery to sort out thaen why are there so many couples together for long periods, after the honeymoon period.

Mabe my anxiety prob is another mystery she can sort for me.

Interest levels are for certain kinds of girls that always need that, shallow people that easily get bored, but i know her & she's not like the typical good time girl.

She's Hungarian & not at all interested in things that the average western girl is.

If all relationships were based on peeling off the layers, there'd be no point in people getting married because no-one would expect any kind of long term future.

I'm still the crazy idiosyncratic unpredictable nutter she first met, there's definately lots more in me to explore, the secret of a relationship i think is never to be routine & always have something up your sleeve & she knows that about me, i just feel space is required, like a refresh button of a relationship.

She never wanted me at all in the first place because a relationship may interfere with her plans.

I shall have more intriguing things in the future after our seperation, i'm in the transformation period, like a good rock group, constant reinvention

[amerikajin]

>>>If every relationship is a mystery to sort out thaen why are there so many couples together for long periods, after the honeymoon period. <<<

 

Mystery is what starts the relationship, because mystery is directly related to interest. Mystery adds to the interest level in a woman, at least initially. Respect (her perception of your general strength), compatibility, and thrill factor are what usually keep the relationship going.

 

>>>Mabe my anxiety prob is another mystery she can sort for me.<<<

 

That's usually not the kind of mystery a woman wants to sort out. Romantic love is conditional.

 

>>>Interest levels are for certain kinds of girls that always need that, shallow people that easily get bored, but i know her & she's not like the typical good time girl.<<<

 

That was your first mistake, assuming she wasn't like other girls. You're giving her too much credit.

 

>>>If all relationships were based on peeling off the layers, there'd be no point in people getting married because no-one would expect any kind of long term future.<<<

 

All relationships are about peeling off the layers to see what they like about someone. Eventually, they finish peeling off the layers to the point where they either decide they like what they see or they keep on shopping for something else.

 

>>>I shall have more intriguing things in the future after our seperation, i'm in the transformation period, like a good rock group, constant reinvention<<<

 

I'll say this: you've definitely got the right attitude. Confidence is attractive. Your strong will to overcome your challenges is attractive to a woman. Hopefully, it will be attractive to her, but if it isn't, so be it. It will be attractive to someone else, then.

[monkey]

i don't want anyone else.

i want to give her space & prove to her my transformation.

she was wanting me to change this for ages, now i am doing & doing everything in my power to, she seems to have had enough.

good things come to those who wait

absence makes the heart grow fonder

time heals

how many more sayings are there

[amerikajin]

Whatever changes you make in your life should be to your benefit, not someone else's, and that includes girlfriends. You shouldn't change just because a woman wants you to. Changing won't necessarily make you more attractive in her eyes.

[monkey]

Its's all so hard to understand, she hated my medical problem i had & this is 95% of why she needs space & the reason i'm here working so hard on my transformation, she always told me to be positive & never say never, which i am doing about us & yet she says she won't want to be with me in the future!

She knows this wasn't my fault, this anxiety problem & that it is something i never showed her before & that it isn't the real me, so why can't she tell me she'll see me in the future as friends to see how it goes, i mean if i'm different, how will she know how i'll feel?

Do you think people speak with there current emotion, i know i say things i don't mean when i'm angry?

I did overemail her initially when i returned because there was so much in my head that needed to come out, questions that i bombarded her with. She said she wanted to be nice & speak about what were doing etc & not the future, does this give you the impression that she can't talk of the future because no-one knows it, therefor a contradiction in her words.?

The no contact rule, when she said one a week & then saying she doesn't want to give me hope, she needs time to forget the difficult month we BOTH had, remember i hated it also, i was the one with the panic attacks! Do you think she will contact me if i leave it or should i continue the "1 a week" as we said, there was never a no contact rule, it was just the content of the mails.

Why we can't just arrange to sit round a table & iron this **** out is beyond me, ok were 6000 miles away now but at end of month she may be coming to europe, its so much a nightmare, she cares but not the way i do, all i need is this chance she promised.

[amerikajin]

Romance isn't rational. You can't just sit down and iron it out. If she's not interested, she's not interested. Period.

 

If she had a really high interest level in you to begin with, she would have stayed. Generally speaking, though, an anxiety problem isn't attractive to women. Please know I'm not saying that to be mean. It's just a fact. It's the exact opposite of what a woman wants and needs. She's looking for comfort and confidence. As far as she's concerned, there's nothing to iron out, and the distance between you makes it very unlikely you'll even get that chance.

 

However, you do have at least one last shot, and here it is: stop pursuing her.

 

You can keep in touch with her occasionally, but I'd generally let her initiate the contact from now on. Starting tomorrow, send her an email and tell her that you respect her space and that you think it's best if you tend to things in your own life for the time being, that she's welcome to drop a line anytime, but that you're extremely busy right now.

 

She'll surely send a "Hi, how are you?" e-mail from time to time. When you get one, wait a few days before responding. And when you respond, ALWAYS be upbeat. Don't even mention your struggles or problems at work. She doesn't want to hear that. Only focus on the positive things that are happening to you. A new job. New friends. A fun weekend. ONLY positive things!!! Once a week? No, more like once in a while, say every two or three weeks. I can't guarantee it will win her back, the odds are against you in fact. But it just might work. She'll sense and respect the fact that YOU are the one who is taking control here. Right now, you look just plain needy.

 

This is your ONLY chance to win her back, which is not a guarantee, either. If you do it any other way, though, you'll lose her for sure.

 

You'll probably laugh this off as some kind of childish game, but the truth is, the games work. Dating requires technique.

[monkey]

Ok thanks, i know your right, i just miss her & the life we went to begin. I'll not contact her, i'll do as you said at the end of the week.

I wouldn't hesitate to help her if she had the same prob, thing is she's not like the average western club going good time girl, she's very motherly & plain clean living, so un-English. I know many girls who wouldn't have even helped me at all. I tell her that i never wanted this, like what if i had cancer, would it be the same then. If she got ill & i leaft her, i'd be considered selfish! I was always told a relationship isn't about perfect partners, but a triumph over imperfections.

 

I just hope also that the things she said were because she was annoyed, we all say things we don't necesarily mean when angry, i mean she wants to see a different me, but knows she won't want to be with me, i mean, that don't make sense to me!

I'm gonna back off, big time & wait for her. I guess i've no choice, but what if she says 1 a week.?