3 D days - 1 ow

[wifeandmum]

October I caught him by seeing a receipt for a flight he purchased for her. About 6 weeks later I found an email he'd sent her and found out he'd been in touch with her just a week after D day. In March a friend of mine told me she saw them together and we had our third. I'm almost positive he's in contact with her again.

 

He sought her originally and then contacted her the 2 times after. I've tried so hard. Neither of us want to do counselling, we'd rather sort it amongst ourselves. He's told me everything because when I've confronted her she's verified it all. I've seen hundreds of their emails and have seen them both profess their love.

On D days he tells me she's a horrible mistake and he's sorry. My gut is telling me I'm in for the next one. Help.

[norajane]

Well, how many d-days do you need before you understand that his actions show he has no desire to end his affair despite whatever he may be saying to you?

 

What is your breaking point?

 

You say you don't want counseling and would rather sort it out yourselves. Is that working? What have you sorted out so far?

 

The bottom line is he has shown you that he won't stop seeing her behind your back. And you can't make him stop if he doesn't want to. So all that's left for you is to decide if you want to accept his affair or get out of this marriage.

[wifeandmum]

Well, how many d-days do you need before you understand that his actions show he has no desire to end his affair despite whatever he may be saying to you?

 

What is your breaking point?

 

You say you don't want counseling and would rather sort it out yourselves. Is that working? What have you sorted out so far?

 

The bottom line is he has shown you that he won't stop seeing her behind your back. And you can't make him stop if he doesn't want to. So all that's left for you is to decide if you want to accept his affair or get out of this marriage.

 

We've been married almost 25 years and I can't bare the thought of going through a divorce. I don't know if I have a breaking point I'm that frightened of it. I want him to stop and come back into the mariage. I've been thinking of counselling for me and after seeing my words written and your response I pretty well know I must.

[norajane]

We've been married almost 25 years and I can't bare the thought of going through a divorce. I don't know if I have a breaking point I'm that frightened of it. I want him to stop and come back into the mariage. I've been thinking of counselling for me and after seeing my words written and your response I pretty well know I must.

 

Going to counseling yourself won't cause him to change anything, nor will he be working on the marriage. At best, counseling will help you clarify your feelings and fears and may help you decide to kick his ass out. He's the one who needs counseling to figure out why he's so willing and able to hurt you in favor of his selfish desire to have another woman.

 

What you have been doing is not making him stop and come back to the marriage. You keep accepting him no matter how many times you catch him lying and sneaking around behind your back. That's why he feels comfortable in continuing to do it. No consequences = no change.

 

Maybe you kicking him out of the house would make him wake up and realize that he needs to make a decision or he really risks losing you. Right now, there are no consequences to his actions.

[2sunny]

there's absolutely no reason for him to stop seeing her when there is no penalty for him seeing her.

 

doesn't matter if you're married 25 days or 25 years. if nothing changes - you will have the same scenario for another 25 years... is that what you want?

 

if it's not what you want - YOU need to do something about it... what are YOU going to do?

 

by the way - he won't stop seeing her - his actions have been clear about that. and his words have not been honest.. he's only willing to tell you what you want to hear - meanwhile doing whatever he wants as long as you don't know about it. words must equal actions - otherwise it is known as lies, untruths, half truths, cover up, and betrayal... whatever you want to call it, it's not anything that looks like the truth.

[skylarblue]

Yeah, my gut is telling me you are in for another one too. No doubt. You can probably pick your own dday since they probably never stopped and are currently seeing each other…Why wouldn’t you want to seek MC? I can understand why he wouldn’t. He doesn’t seem to concern about his M since you’ve had 3 ddays. And if that’s the case, it’ll never work. It seems obvious or at the least extremely unlikely that the two of you will be able to sort it out yourselves (unless sorting it out means D). I think you are setting yourself for repetitive and continuous pain.

 

BTW…What does sort it out mean? How do you plan on doing that?

[whichwayisup]

Another option is, if you don't want to divorce, tell him you're thinking of an open marriage. He should be OK with that, yes? Even more so since he's quietly continued the A behind your back after 3 D-Days.

 

He may not want to marry the OW, he probably just wants to keep her on the side, and reap the benefits of staying married. Selfish, ofcourse!! But, since you both refuse counseling, and you're not sure you want to divorce, start over after 25 years of marriage, then an open marriage IS an option to think about.

 

Keep posting.

[OFGnomore]

October I caught him by seeing a receipt for a flight he purchased for her. About 6 weeks later I found an email he'd sent her and found out he'd been in touch with her just a week after D day. In March a friend of mine told me she saw them together and we had our third. I'm almost positive he's in contact with her again.

 

He sought her originally and then contacted her the 2 times after. I've tried so hard. Neither of us want to do counselling, we'd rather sort it amongst ourselves. He's told me everything because when I've confronted her she's verified it all. I've seen hundreds of their emails and have seen them both profess their love.

On D days he tells me she's a horrible mistake and he's sorry. My gut is telling me I'm in for the next one. Help.

 

What kind of help are you looking for??? Please define "help". 3 d days, I think you know the routine here. I assuming you came here for honest opinions and it seems like the truth terrifies you in the little I've read about your situation. You have 2 choices: 1. Put up this guy and deal with the cheating. At this point is is clear that your husband is not sure how much he loves you or what your marriage means to him or he wouldn't be involved (behavior) with another woman. Regardless of his claims of making a mistake (words). Focus on his behavior. He may not want to lose the marriage (and go thru the hassle of a D) but he clearly doesn't value, cherish your marriage or you. Accepting this will hopefully give you the impetus to change your situation 2. Give him an ultimatum and be prepared to follow through.

 

Honestly, after 3 busts with the same woman, I'm not sure why you think this man is worth it.

 

Trust your gut and good luck.

Edited April 19, 2010 by OFGnomore
clarity

[OFGnomore]

Another option is, if you don't want to divorce, tell him you're thinking of an open marriage. He should be OK with that, yes? Even more so since he's quietly continued the A behind your back after 3 D-Days.

 

He may not want to marry the OW, he probably just wants to keep her on the side, and reap the benefits of staying married. Selfish, ofcourse!! But, since you both refuse counseling, and you're not sure you want to divorce, start over after 25 years of marriage, then an open marriage IS an option to think about.

 

Keep posting.

 

Why should she tell him something she doesn't want? No where has she indicated she wants an open marriage. It seems like cloudy communicating and game playing to me. From what her post says, she wants her H to stop his affair with the same woman and be back in her marriage (I'm assuming monogamously). But there is no way she's getting that outcome when she's done nothing to change the dance steps so to speak and her H cares so little about her to honor her at all (please, please, please don't tell me her husband loves and cherishes her - how many times have you screwed around on someone 3x with same person when you love, respect, and cherish them? Just stop the nonsense!). I'm going to assume that after 25 years, he knows she's pretty dependent on him and she's going no where. It's sad that he'd keep abusing her this way though. Doesn't sound like a a keeper to me.

Edited April 19, 2010 by OFGnomore
typos

[whichwayisup]

Why should she tell him something she doesn't want? No where has she indicated she wants an open marriage.

 

I just gave a suggestion, that is all. Please don't jump at me for offering her another option.

[Owl]

What consequence has he suffered for each d-day? What have you done to make him want to end the affair?

 

If he's not truly faced any 'consequence' for cheating...he's got no real reason to end the affair and change. The pleasure of keeping the both of you in his life outweighs any negligible negative impacts the situation is creating for him.

 

In other words, the pain of the affair needs to outweigh the pleasure of it before he'll take steps to end it.

 

Have you exposed his cheating to his family, friends, etc...? Have you asked for their assistance in convincing him to stop what he's doing? Have you set clear boundaries with clear consequences for what happens if he contacts her again?

[wifeandmum]

I gave him boundaries that I was going to leave him. I can't. I don't know how to be alone and I don't want to be. But I also don't want to have a crowded marriage. I want him as he was. I want the man he was over a year ago. The worst part is he was looking for more exciting sex-since menopause it hasn't been a big deal to me. He was looking for someone and he stumbled across her. It's bad enough he was looking for sex but to know he found love.

 

I've only told 1 friend about it. I can't do that to him. I can't treat him as poorly as he's treated me.

 

I give the perception of strength to everyone and probably once even to him. He knows better now. He won't leave there's too much to untangle with finances and his status means everything. Well in complete honesty it means a lot to the both of us. I can't live like this but I don't have the strength to change it alone. I have seen my GP today and have a referral for counselling coming through. She also thinks I may need some mild meds.

 

Thank you all. I'm so sorry to burden.

[2sunny]

I gave him boundaries that I was going to leave him. I can't. I don't know how to be alone and I don't want to be. But I also don't want to have a crowded marriage. I want him as he was. I want the man he was over a year ago. The worst part is he was looking for more exciting sex-since menopause it hasn't been a big deal to me. He was looking for someone and he stumbled across her. It's bad enough he was looking for sex but to know he found love.

 

I've only told 1 friend about it. I can't do that to him. I can't treat him as poorly as he's treated me.

 

I give the perception of strength to everyone and probably once even to him. He knows better now. He won't leave there's too much to untangle with finances and his status means everything. Well in complete honesty it means a lot to the both of us. I can't live like this but I don't have the strength to change it alone. I have seen my GP today and have a referral for counselling coming through. She also thinks I may need some mild meds.

 

Thank you all. I'm so sorry to burden.

 

well you have left yourself no choice but to ACCEPT that you will now be living the rest of your life with a cheating husband. one that knows that you aren't going to hold him accountable for his actions and one that gets no consequences for hurting the woman he said he would love forever.

 

IF you are unable to bring yourself to give him no consequences - he will never change the situation.

 

i have never seen such a sad and weak stance from a wife here on LS. come on girlfriend - get a REAL boundary and stick to it. throw him out and take half the money you both earned over the years. show him that there are consequences for hurt and betrayal - otherwise you just gave him a free pass to treat you like $hit and you have no one to blame but yourself.

 

a boundary means that you are willing to stick to a certain set of standards and guidelines. it doesn't mean he gets free reign to treat you with such disregard and disrespect, meanwhile standing there like you enjoy it.

 

life is too short to be mistreated this way. would you want this for your daughter? i bet not.

 

to do nothing is simply not enough.

 

 

if i can do it and move forward and be happy after 20 years of marriage - so can you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Here: try reading After the Affair, even though it isn't after. That may help you deal with what you are going through. I know that the fallout can be very traumatic and that you feel really kicked in the head and can't sort things out right now esp since things aren't stopping.

[Owl]

The other posters have pretty much stolen my thunder ( ).

 

They're right...a boundary with a consequence that you're not going to enforce is WORSE than no boundary at all.

 

He has absolutely no reason to change right now...NONE.

 

Why would he??? Look at it from his angle...he's got you FIGHTING to keep him...he's got OW probably doing pretty much the same...both women fighting to meet whatever 'needs' he has...and no one putting any REAL pressure on him at all to change the situation.

 

You really do need to take a stand...or choose to live with it and accept it.

 

Anything less than either of these is going to leave you miserably unhappy, and him tickled pink with being able to keep this going (heck, he might try going out and getting ANOTHER woman to meet his needs as well...what is there to stop him???).

 

STOP PROTECTING HIM FROM HIS CHOICES AT YOUR EXPENSE.

 

Go back and re-read that one more time.

 

Take a stand...actually fight for your rights. Don't bluff and act strong...BE STRONG.

 

Tell him to end it, now. Tell him that he's got the choice...you or her, but not both. Don't threaten him with a "what if"...but have already in your mind and heart that if he doesn't do so...you're going to expose the affair to his friends and family.

 

Exposure means letting him deal with the consequences of his actions, and nothing more.

 

You don't go to these people screaming at them them telling them to rip him apart.

 

You go to them, point blank explain the situation, and let them know that you're fighting to save your marriage, and ask them to talk with him and see what they can do to get him to stop and see what he's doing. Make it clear that you're not being spiteful...you're asking for help.

 

Affairs thrive in darkness...and typically wither and die when they're exposed and out in the open for everyone to see.

 

Don't be his doormat anymore.

 

When he comes to you angry about exposure...ask him what you did wrong? Make it clear to him that you've asked them for help...and that it's not YOU that is in the wrong here, but that he's simply dealing with the real life repercussions of his choices and actions.

 

If you can't do this...if you are just going to sit back and let him continue...then realize that you're telling him with your actions that you're ok with his choice to cheat. That you're going to accept this from him...and could potentially even accept worse in the future.

 

If you don't draw a boundary and enforce it...he's going to treat you like a doormat.

 

I'm going to say this one more time:

 

STOP PROTECTING HIM FROM HIS CHOICES AT YOUR EXPENSE

[2sunny]

if you are that weak i agree with allowing others to put the pressure back where it belongs - on him. he did this - he needs to see how his behavior affects more than just you and him and the kids.

 

allow others to understand his actions. let him know that you are unwilling to lie for him. let his family and friends know the truth. they will talk with him about he's been behaving. they will be supportive if you ask the right ones to help.

 

why is it so important to hold a status in your community? you mean that he's willing to save face at YOUR expense? that's back wards. he should hold you in high regard. he didn't. he knew when he kept in touch with his OW that he could have consequences... now he will only be more motivated to change his tune if he sees how it can harm his reputation. full exposure - threaten him with it. scare the crap out of him if you need to. and follow through with it all if he doesn't at least try to stop hurting you at every turn.

 

if he doesn't stop - YOU can learn what happy looks like on your own - i promise. to never wonder again is a beautiful thing. to spend every day wondering and checking up is nothing but a nightmare. wasted energy that never brings a happy day.

 

who is the OW? how does he know her? can you expose things on her end too, if she is married as well? if they work together, go to HR and tell their bosses what's going on. tell hubby all of what your plan is! start taking your power back instead of handing him your self respect every day.

 

then - YOU will be proud of how strong YOU really are instead of just pretending every day. then YOU may have a husband who respects you instead of treating you like dirt under the rug.

 

this is about YOU taking care of YOU. if you're not willing to take care of YOU - then why would you think he would do that?

 

take your power back - an do it NOW!!!! to wait only makes it harder.

 

pack a small bag and tell him he's not welcome home any longer. he can pick it up from the front yard. change the locks. who cares where he goes. don't even ask for now. do not lie and cover up for him. tell the truth. the lies keep the affair fueled. tell your kids the truth. Dad isn't perfect, he is human... but I'm unwilling to tolerate his behavior. they need to know that. they may be the best help if they know the truth.

 

without the truth out in the open AND a solid boundary - you've got nothing but a life sentence of sheer hell - and that is not good enough for anyone.

 

you deserve so much more than you are willing to give to yourself - now get going!

 

get going now!!!!

[OFGnomore]

First, please don't use the word boundary. Boundaries are what cannot be crossed. More accurately you have given your husband empty threats.

 

I think IC would do you quite well. It seems like you do not know what you really want. Married to your H you can't have status and fidelity, at least currently and honestly it seems highly impossible with this cad. I'm sorry but after 3 busts, its looks grim that this guy will change at the core to become a man of character. You want the man he was a year ago? What was he before a year ago? Are you telling me all the busts and the cheating took place in the last year and before that he was a faithful man of character.

 

I've seen you're plight many times where I live. I live in an affluent area and many women here are bound by "the golden hand cuffs" - status and monetary comfort but you know what, they can whine and complain about their husband's cheating, and a lot of these men do, but at the end of the day, it's a choice. Please don't ever think you don't have a choice. You do and your making a choice every day you stay in this hurtful situation. Your actions say, status and comfort mean more than your husband's fidelity. Your need to "own" your choices in this sitation. And what I've seen for these women who turn a blind eye and more often than not, the guy leaves when the kids leave high school. Whether you want to see it or not your H's behaviour is SCREAMING the truth at you.

 

I'd seriously get job.

Edited April 19, 2010 by OFGnomore
typos