What now?

[Babyface]

After having recently discovered my boyfriend had an affair with a work collegue for two years, during which time he took her on holiday abroad, a week before taking me away for new years. I thought he had gone to visit his dad in Canada that week before, but when the affair came out, I had learned that that was not the case.

 

Due to the future plans we had made, and stress we overcame beforehand I decided I would take him back on the condition that he cut all ties with her and is honest with me about relationship issues.

 

Unfortunatly the first condition was breached as they are business partners and have to remain so for another four months, after this they will cut ties completley.

 

He has assured me that he has no feelings for her and the affair has terminated, which I believe, and in an attempt for her to move on and forget about him, he set her up with a friend, something I don't quite agree with and feel awkward about it.

 

This bothers me for a number of reasons, we should she have the freedom to move on and be happy, when I feel like I'm left with the stigma of the affair?

 

There are alot more issues that mount upon the affair, some of which were caused by the affair itself.

I know after this things wont be the same without alot of hardwork, and I'm prepared to put the work in, but how do I cope with it, and how do I make him more aware of how this situation is impacting me?

 

Since the affair and in the stress of trying to maintain normaility I feel like I've become more aggressive, stressed and paranoid and worried that these emotions would further harm the relationship.

 

You'd think after the affair put the effort in to make me feel like I'm the only one for him, but when we argue he constantly brings up that he could be happy with anyone else, yet it's always me he turns to.

 

It's also his dream to have a successful future together, a nice house, kids, and generally a happier lifestyle with me, all of this he initiated, yet he feels to see how much he contradicts our future together.

 

Adding to this, he constantly belittles and lacks respect for me, feeling like I have to earn it, but let it be known that I'm not the type to sit there and allow the belittlement to go on for long, thus causing further outbreaks and arguments.

 

I don't deny that there is room for change on both sides, everyone feels this way about themselves at some point, what I don't understand is how, when he agress with this, he constantly takes the same arrogant stance everytime a petty argument comes up.

 

Any help/advice you could give would be much appreciated as this is an issue that plauges me daily, even more so as my supervisor at work resembles the girl he had an affair with!

[scshlady]

From the point of view of someone who is not in the midst of the turmoil you're living in, it seems that you might want to step back and take stock of the situation you're in. You might ask yourself some questions like, can I ever trust him again? What am I getting from the relationship? If my best friend was experiencing what I am, what would I advise her to do?

 

Best wishes as you cope and make decisions...